First of all, being an ambivert on lockdown.
Sometimes I act introverted, sometimes I act extroverted. That means sometimes I'm happy to be at home and play video games and browse the internet, but sometimes I suddenly get hit with that "I NEED to talk to somebody NOW". This results in huge mood swings and constant conflict between "leave me the hell alone" and "I need to see somebody right now". It really sucks.
Second, dealing with depression. (This is some really personal stuff)
The virus, shutdown, lockdown etc is bad enough without having depression on top of that. Oh, AND having a behavioral disorder that just screws me up even more (I was diagnosed with ADHD and then high-functioning autism later). I'm not on medication, I'm not seeing my therapist, can't even talk to my friends who kept me going this long. AND my mom is constantly making it worse without even realizing that, and because of all the aforementioned stuff I have a fear of confrontation so I CANT EVEN TELL HER WHATS HAPPENING.
I honestly feel really attacked whenever she talks to me about this kind of stuff, because it's all "you need to get help" when her idea of "help" is the opposite of helpful for me. Getting evaluated for mental illnesses, going on medication, all of that just increases my anxiety. I have to pretend to be happy around my family or it'll make things worse. My best friend is currently out of town and can't talk to me. The only people I can talk to now are random people on rp forums like STC...
The song
Abstract nonsense could give you a better idea of how it feels for me.
I've been lonely, depressed, and suicidal for about 2 years now. I haven't attempted to hurt/kill myself yet only because I'm still afraid of further pain. But I have attempted to run away from home 3 times in 2 different states. My grades are dropping and I'm going into high school. I have no motivation to do basically anything.
And there's this girl I really love and I don't want to upset her. Just the very idea of making her cry brings tears to my eyes. And not to mention my little brother...
Actually crying as I write this btw
I've turned back to role-playing as sort of my last resort to keep my sanity and hopefully see the end of this crisis. But I just keep feeling more unstable with every passing week, and at this rate... I don't even want to think about the outcome. I hardly sleep anymore, I've been getting up earlier and earlier. I think I might be addicted to coffee at this point too. I keep singing those really angry screaming rock songs until I ruin my voice, over and over and over because it's all I can do. While rping helps a bit, it's a temporary relief.
I just really don't know what to do.