I heard noise first. It was the first thing that I was consciously aware of as blackness seemed to fill my vision. I heard the screams of those around me. I started to smell the burning of something nearby and could feel the warmth of the flames as they licked through something close to me. My brain was a confused fog, unable to register what was going on around me. Where was I? What was happening? Chaos reigned as I moved my head to the left of me, then jerkily to the right. I felt as if there was something wrong with my limbs. I didn’t have control of them like I should. My arms and legs felt heavy as if I was sludging through thick tar. My vision started to regain focus, and I was able to see light. It was the fire. An object was on fire. What was it? My mind couldn’t register what I was looking at. What was it called? A car. A Jeep Cherokee, in fact. The shell of the vehicle blazed out of control, and there were people running around me and smoke heavily in the air. I hear a click. I look to the right of me. There he is, holding his gun two handed as he pressed it against the side of my head. Shock fills my system. Why? Why is my love holding a gun to my head?
“I’m sorry. I can’t allow you to continue…. What you’re doing,’ he states with conviction, pausing at the end as if he doesn’t want to acknowledge what it was he thought I was doing. “For Jessie’s sake.”
Jessie? Who is Jessie? I rack my brain for the pieces of the puzzle that I obviously had lost. A glimmer of familiarity fills my being. Jessie. Jessie running in the rain as I call after him to get back into the house. Jessie asleep on my shoulder as I carry him upstairs to his bedroom. Jessie cuddling up to me, telling me, “I love you mommy.” My son. My Jessie. Why for Jessie’s sake? What did I do? A feeling of dread overcomes me, and I turn to the man holding the gun, my love, my husband.
“Arrrgggh,” comes out of my mouth. These are not the articulate words that I wanted to convey, but ugly groans. I couldn’t seem to speak my thoughts or ask my questions. What was wrong with me? Pity filled the face of the man to whom I had given my vows. Pity and a deep sadness.
“I want you to know that I love you. I know what you did for me, sacrificing yourself for me. I will never forget you. And I’ll make sure to remind Jessie what a wonderful mother he had every day.”
Sacrificing myself? The memory cuts through my brain in a rush. The savage creatures, that used to be our neighbors, coming for John. John, my husband. His name is John. They came for him with vicious hunger. I saw others killed. Eaten by the undead. The diseased. Whatever they were. I couldn’t let them kill John. My love, my joy. I fling myself against the horde, yelling, “RUN!” as they fall on me. John reaches for me, until he sees there is no other choice. He picks up Jessie and runs.
My mind clings back to that fading scene, where John’s hand is outstretched, reaching for me. I see his arm now, outstretched again. This time he’s holding the gun, and I become aware of what had happened. What I am. What must be done. I close my eyes as the loud blast of the gun sends my vision back to darkness once again.
Note: Hey, so that was a lot, huh? If you or anyone you know feels like this resonates a bit too much, please call 988 or whatever your local prevention hotline is. Life gets different. Don't miss your changes.
I second this.