August 23 2013---
Journal Note By Leo Breshuni
The week I lost her, my mother, I spent no time bawling, lurking in the shadows of my house, sliding along the floors and emotionally breaking into pieces of dust-no instead, I had done what she would have wanted me to do, definitely her choice. It was all pain and agony after I was born,
I was a constant irritation, a parasite-
monster, you had to deal with in the long run. I knew it from the get go, always telling myself I would behave next time, but when it came to times I hadn’t gotten my own way, my own choice,, I never truly behaved, I would shout, scream, yell-I was practically a monster, and I could never admit it before she died. I was pathetic, lazy and short tempered, and I was such a cow when it came to times of what she wanted too. , For all her support, her kindness, what she had done for me, truly, I unintentionally became a half witted brat,The day she died, December 14’th, 2007, I was 12, playing at a sleepover with a few of my friends. Before that day,
I had been in an argument with her, again. We were like male lions over territory, snapping and roaring at each other, leaving my father and younger brother to their bleeding ears in the kitchen. We had been shouting so much, the whole street probably heard my conceited, and obnoxious hollers. I picked up my phone to call her the day after, my hands almost shaking I was too embarrassed to call. Even though
I resisted, I called anyways, it
was the polite thing to do, yet, at the same time I needed someone to pick my skinny butt up. Standing in my friend’s driveway, calling her numerous times, without any answers, or responses over text even, I knew something had gone wrong, something was up, and I needed to find out why I was
neglected, I was jealous if she would pay attention to anyone else,
I was attention hogging and loud if she even thought of someone who wasn’t me. This fear, this feeling I grasped, it blew me to my bicycle, literally, and out the door to snag her.. Every time we had an argument, at least a day later or two, we’d bawl together, forgetting the past, knowing though, that the future would be exactly the same. I was racing on my bike, hurrying, I remember almost getting hit by a truck on the way back. I was skidding around the corner, hurrying up, I knew that my actions were such an exaggeration, but when
I arrived, I did find something, something so horrifying my legs stopped suddenly, the bike just rolling on its own. There, on my lawn lay my mother's deranged body, arms and legs sprawled, laying across the dirt in front of our house. People began gathering when I yelled out for her, I looked up at the sky asking for answers, what had gone so wrong? Then I knew, no one had physically done this to her. No one had pushed her, thrown her, hit her-mentally, she wasn’t capable of bearing me… me. Crowds began forming now, everyone blown away by her fall, she had had
leapt off the balcony, off
the roof most likely, hitting the ground and breaking her neck directly into a snap. I fell to the floor beneath her, on my hands and knees, the tears welling up in my eyes, and suddenly, I pushed away, and staggered up the stairs to my room. Everything was darker now, my entire life had crumbled before me, her blood stained across my shirt from holding her, my mouth ready to break and crumble, my heart aching, spilling out as the locks and cracks fell into my stomach like glass- ,. But there it was, the moment I had been so lenient of, the blip I had been wondering about for so long, was this, and this was no blip, this was more than high school drama and it was my fault, my misbehavior that killed her, I am a murderer… The next week, I laid in bed, I could not move, I was so rigid, so stiff, resisting the urge to cry, and weep-my hands being thrown around as I screamed and yelled out for her- strangely, this was nothing of what I did, instead, I went outside, and watched a tree for at least two hours, I sat there, the breeze barely blowing my auburn ponytail. I laid down, then, resting my head along the grass as if listening to it’s heartbeat, when suddenly the fun arose as I giggled and laughed, Molly, my chocolate Labrador, my only Labrador, my only dog,
and now, the only company
I would honestly ever get, was licking my face, so unaware of what had been happening, and she knew that my tickle spot was by my right armpit. That was it, the fun of the day, we had ran along the grass, the grass my mother fell on, the mother I should have loved more. . After this day, I had learned my lesson, the grief couldn’t stay put for long, now could it? I accepted it, I
accepted her death and learned to control myself, I thought community, not self, I thought right, and not wrong, I thought differently, I thought by changing the rest of my story, myself, I could become a better person, a better human being. My mother, I feel awful for letting her go, for letting myself let go, losing control and do the things I knew were out of order, and childish, and for everything that she had done, what she had done for me, our family, the money she earned and spent for our presents, clothes, almost as if she earned it, to set it all on fire-s he loved us, and she showed
it, she tried so hard to perfect and fill our lives but what could I do now? Me? What could I do for her
now? This was more than a lesson, it was torture, what I must have then put her through the screaming, the talk back, the attitude, the put downs, I was basically evil. I can do what she has always wanted, become the better person I always should have been, it’s the past now, it all began with pain, and it all stopped because of it, and now, never would
I have known before, that pain, was how it began, and pain, is how it all
ceased
to exist.
I was a Monster,
I was Neglected
I Leapt Off the Roof.
And I accepted it Now.
I Cease to Exist...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
(This is not a poem,
Mother's simple thoughts

). (Next month I'll do better lol, I saw this yesterday, I did it at eleven PM and I won't be able to have my computer for a while

XD).