Gwazi's Non-Sensical Blog

[Gwazi Magnum]

WARNING: Non-Sensical
The following images and/or content may remove the Sanity points of some viewers, and is not at all close to what most writers would call creative writing! Viewer discretion is advised!
______________________

So basically back on the old site I had a series of 'blogs' essentially where I would post random stuff when I was particularly bored and felt like getting a "WTF" reaction from people. Figured I might want to move them over here... For safe keeping. :3

Spoiler: The most Blogity Blog of the Bloggiting Blog's Blog

This is a Shit Post. :3

Zip Zop Zippity Zoppity Boop!

What is this stuff?
I don’t know.
We should get some ale Jim.
Jim? This is Tim!
Whatever Kim.

You want some healing potions?
What about mana potions?
Fuck you! You’ll take Spells per Day and you’ll like it!
B… but… My rechargeable mana…
FUUUUUCK YOOOOUUU!!!!

If one takes a Wizard, and Multiclassed with a Druid, what does one get?
Someone who can’t fight, has weak spells and no focus.
But they turn into an adorable chipmunk.
I heard you didn’t like Pathfinders Complexity!
So we made you a 4th edition where you can MMO your tabletop!
I heard you hated your Grindy tabletop!
So we made you a 5th edition so simple a 3 year old can play it!
But if you don’t play a Fighter then you’re a Scrub.

Step 1: Kobold
Step 2: Dragonwrought
Step 3: Make Venerable (+3 Mentals)
Step 4: Chaos Shuffle
Step 5: Infinite Epic Feats

If one cackles in the night.
And then spreads Jam and Mushrooms.
Then toasters turn into Goats.
And everyone goes to play Duck Hunt.

Sugars and Spice and everything nice.
But Spice isn't nice, Spice is bitter and Old.
Just like Old Spice!

Yo Bob! We need to go rob Rob!
Why Rob? That's not a nice Job at all Cob!
Because Bob! If we rob Rob then we'll need no job, and we can retire as Bob and Cob!
What if I want a job Cob?
Then you've just robbed by trust in you Bob.

*Hums 'Pop goes the weasel!'*
Take the clock and put on a bomb!
And turn on the ticking timer!
Better go and run for your life!
Bang goes with Pizza.

Yea that's right, I just blew up your Pizza!
What you gonna do about it?

Shit...

I must now devise a way to defeat these turtles so this Blog can continue!

But what could their weakness be!? I must exploit it!

But what could that ever be?

Aha! I shall start Turtle Tip!
MUA HA HA HA HA!

Wait... What are they doing?
They're taping a turtle onto a turtle!!!
THIS IS MADNESS!

Wait... Does this make me a Spartan?
Or a Persian?

...

No! I can do one better!

Say hi to Steve!
He shall be our vanguard against this threat!

But to stop this threat we need to do something clever...
Something that would disrupt their forces... Like destroying their supply line!

Or we can just fart fire at them...
Wait, isn't that fire coming AT us?

Bah! It doesn't matter!
But now I think it's time everyone just sits back and relax...

What?

No...
That's not...

Just go back to being Johnny Drumpf.

Ok, clearly I need to set an example of how to relax!
It looks something like...

No...

No!

NO!!! >:C

You know what!? I'm doe for today...
Take Batman Riding a Unicorn on a Rainbow over a Purple Ocean and call it a day.

Spoiler: The most Blogity Blog of the Bloggiting Blog's Blog 2

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

So apparently there's an image limit per post... So here's a 2nd post!

Spoiler: The most Blogity Blog of the Bloggiting Blog's Blog 3

This, this an apple.

This is your apple on drugs!

This is your apple on Pi!

This is your apple on shitty software.

Speaking of software, software is an interesting concept... Not computer software. Human software.

What truly is, human software?

Are humans skills and capabilities determined from birth? Are we all hardware?

Or does our software matter? Can we upgrade our software better? And become a much more talented and productive members of society than we allow ourselves to believe?

Is the key to success really as simple as how we choose to approach life, and it's challenges?

Well if so, I'm certainly no where close.

Now, look at your lady.

Now back at me!

I'm on a tiger

Now look at...

Wait... What?

But I don't wanna...

What was the moral of this story again?

Oh, right. Apples!

Don't do apples kids!
Cause apples keep the doctor away...

And do we really want that?

Well...

Ok, maybe we do.

Here's Captain Jack instead.

Now stop procrastinating and go to bed!
Which I totally am not doing now.

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

Or... 3. :/
Damn Bloggity #3, you're image intense.

Spoiler: Blog and Hookers!

So there this is little girl, she looks like she's just a little tyke right? WRONG! She's is actually...

*Cue music*

She is an ancient and majestic spirit from the lands of suzuki-honda-civic-nagasaki-teriyaki-filthy-frank-wasabi-naruto! And she had a most sacred duty among her, to be the link between worlds and keep the kingdoms of the emperor, heretics, shit posters and mongrels in line! But then everything changed... When the mongrels attacked! And the spirit never came... people assumed she was gone, maybe she died, or was frozen for 100 years.

No, she just bumped her head on a starfish, made out of apples. So she kind of lost her memories and now think she's a space cowboy pirate. Though now she had a new destiny, to become the best apple tosser in the world. But she quickly scrapped that, cause apples were boring, why not toss GOATs instead? But not just any GOATs, GOATs with chickens for feet, and not just any GOATs with chickens for feet, but GOATs with chickens for feet and cats as earings. And not just any GOATs with chickens for feet and cats as earring, but GOATs with chickens as feet, cats as earning and halflings for a tail.

THAT was far more entertaining! So with her weapon of choice in hand, she wandered off to become the best GOAT with ***** thrower the world was ever seen, like no one ever was. But where ever success goes, enemies soon follow, and this was no exception. Here she ran into the villainous team Milkshakes! Sporting their unibrows, Santa Claus breads and Hitler mustaches and always, ALWAYS wearing Green! Their mission?

*Cue more music*

To protect the world from shit posts! To unite all people within our derpbates! To denounce the evils of literacy and snobbery! To extend our reach to the RPs above! Timber! Bear Glove! Team Milkshake blasts off at the air speed velocity of an unladden swallow! Be France now or prepare for a Blitz! Yup, that's Autism!

So she knew what she had to do... She picked up her trusty GOAT and threw it right at Team Milkshake! Once the GOAT made contact she followed up with a charge, quickly she approached them ready to strike her final...

Glomp!

It seemed her head injury was worse than she thought! She assumed there could be no evil! So she embraced them in a giant hug and declared "Welcome Team Milkshake! Would you like to...". But then she stopped... Because Team Milkshake wasn't in her arms! They were on the floor, with gunshots to the head! But if they were dead... Then who was...

Dea... Deadpool? What are you doing here? "Sorry Gwazi! But your whole 'Naive Everygirl' fit in was gonna kill her! Can't have your protagonist dying can you? This isn't Game of Thrones or Negan killing Glenn in The Walking Dead you kno... Oh... Did I spoil that for you? Woopsies! Gotta go!".

And then Deadpool vanished... And then showed up again "Also, I want the GOAT" and so he took the GOAT and vanished. But now our main heroine was without her GOAT... Her destiny ripped away from her in a single 4th wall breaker. But that was ok, because her time with the GOAT was over and it was time to move on with her life. But not alone, for the GOAT left her with one important lesson...

Spoiler

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So remember to vote for me in the upcoming competition! And remember, if I don't win... Then the contest is rigged!

Oh yea... You wanted Hooker's didn't you?

Here you go you sick bastard.

 

[Gwazi Magnum]

Spoiler: Blogs and Holidays

Once upon a time there was this boy, and he was named... What? What do you mean I get bonus points for making the character an animal? I don't think that's very PG-1... Oh, THAT kind of animal! But... People are already animals! >.<



Ok... Once upon a time there was this Black, Gay, Polygonsexual, Trans Demi Pizza-Wolfkin Attack Helicopter, who we shall call... Anchovies. Anchovies was a animal in the bedroom. In fact, she never left the bedroom, for she was always doing something on the Internet. One day she was writing away on his blog, complaining about the winter... For winter was evil, and racist, because it was white, and always exercised it's ability to come. "Winter is Coming!", "Winter is Coming!" they say! Well not everyone is able to come you sex privileged normies!



*A-Ringa-Ding-Ding!*



AND THERE WAS THE DOORBELL!!!





Oh boy! Another non-tumblrised family member... Though, as soon as the doorbell went Achovies mother began to yell at her to answer the door, and so reluctantly she made her way to the door, opening it to find...

And it was Uncle Blue Beard! Gosh! He had such a way to make things so blue at parties! Upon entering the house he gave his usual grin and said "H-Hello there Anchovies! Isn't it such a nice day for hollering and scream... I mean cheering!?".



But no, it was not a nice day.

It was a bad day!

Wait... That's depressing!

What's the reverse of bad?

Dab! It was a Dab! Day!

So Anchovies simply dabbed, flipping her hair back as she did and exclaimed "No! It was a Dab day!" and immediately rushed into the kitchen, for she was developing a hunger for food! Though, upon entering the kitchen, she heard a loud bang! The Christmas Holiday Turkey had just fallen on the ground... And that her cat, Sir Woof, jumped down to begin eating it.



Though it didn't take long for uncle Ronald to enter the kitchen... This wasn't good, Ronald hated cats. Anchovies swiftly attempted to stand between the turkey and him, to prevent him from seeing it, but it was too late. Upon seeing the source of the noise Ronald immediately began to rant "Now this is horrible! Just, horrible! These cats are always getting inside! Taking all our food! You know what we need to handle this?" he asked, but never waited for an answer before continuing "We need to build a wall! Just over there!" pointed towards the kitchen doorway "That way, the Cat will never be able to get in!". Anchovies simply tilted her head sideways, confused... "But... Wouldn't we also not get in the kitchen then?". To which Ronald simply scoffed and bolstered "Anchovies, listen to me. Ok? I'm a great builder, in fact, I'm the greatest builder you'd ever seen! I can make a wall so great, that we'd able to open and close it on a whim! We'll call it... A door! That, is, genius!". Then, looking at the cat he stated "But for now... I can handle this by grabbing it by the pussy!" and then he picked up the cat. Who immediately begin clawing at him, to which he rolled his eyes and said "Cats love me, what can I say?" before leaving the kitchen with the cat in hand.



Leaving Anchovie alone... In disgust... Did that man just human-handle an animal! Disgusting! Triggered, she cleaned up the Turkey before... Wait, what was that? Was the turkey... Squaking?

Dear God! O_O

But.... How!? Anchovie wondered, what would resurrect a Turkey!? She quickly fled the room, terrified that if the Turkey were to chase her she would be touched by decaying meat, and no longer qualify for her level 3 vegan powers! However, dead Turkeys were slow, and she quickly made it into and shut the door of the living room long before it could catch up.



But inside? There was something else afoot... She couldn't put her finger on it... But, there was a kind of...

screeching. Slowly turned her head to see the source... But, it was just Ronald... Except... It wasn't, cause he was...



*Gasp!*



HE WAS WEARING A FEDORA!!!



And, he, tipped it! Quickly Anchovies turned tale and booked it out of the room, just hearing the mere whispers of a "M'lady..." behind her! But as she left the room she suddenly ran into something, it was Uncle Blue Beard! He had a frantic look on his face as he exclaimed "Hurry Anchovies! We must go! To the basement!"

And before Anchovies could even respond she was grabbed by the wrist and dragged off!



Once in the basement Blue Beard made sure the door was shut, before turning to Anchovies and explaining "There is a terrible secret! Or you could say... a Mystery!" before turned to wink at you, the reader. "Have you ever wondered why bizarre things happen in this house? Like why are there still non-vegan foods in the house? Why people saying Merry Christmas instead of Happy Holidays? Or why the only program you got into was woman studies?". Anchovies shook her head, shaking in place as she responded "N-no...?".



"Well! Let me tell you! You may think it's for rational reasons! Like not everyone wants to give up meat! That some people celebrate Christmas and just want to wish you well! Or that your grades were so bad you couldn't get in anything else! But NO! That's not it! The truth of the matter is... It's THE PATRIARCHY! And your family practices it! But thankfully I have a ritual to solve this!" before once more winking at you, the reader.



He then opens a bag of holding he just happened to have on him... And outside of it he takes out two fedora's, a taco bowl, and 1 dollar and 78 cents! "We must set up this Taco Bowl on that Altar! And then while we each wear a Fedora we both must chant "Gaming is sexist! Atheism is sexist! Jordan Peterson is Homophobic! Give me money!" three times! And then I must throw a dollar into the Taco Bowl, and you must throw 78 cents into it! And once we do! This house will be finally become... A Safe Space! Do you understand!?".



Anchovies nodded frantically, so scared she was at a loss for words! And so the two quickly ran into the Christmas Tree Altar and set up the taco bowl, and then simultaneously began chanting "Gaming is sexist! Atheism is sexist! Jordan Peterson is Homophobic! Give me money! Gaming is sexist! Atheism is sexist! Jordan Peterson is Homophobic! Give me money! Gaming is sexist! Atheism is sexist! Jordan Peterson is Homophobic! Give me money!" and then right at the end throwing their money into the Taco Bowl!



All the sudden the two were hit with a massive wave of reblogs flying out of the taco bowl!

Spoiler

And then once the flood subsided... There was quiet... Anchovies look over at Blue Beard and asked "Is... Is it over?". Bluebeard giving a soft smile placed a hand on her shoulder and said "It nearly is... All you need to do... Is walk out that door", his other arm extending to the doorway they came in from. Anchovies, wiping her tears away nodded and said "Alright... Thank you", and then, standing proudly, made her way towards the door. And when she opened the door what she saw was... A Dirty MRA!

And the Turket was on his head! Who then lunged at Anchovies... And killed her! And as he died, the last sound she heard was Blue Beard hollering with laughter and then saying "Silly Girl! Don't you understand?".



Nobody likes Anchovies on their Pizza.



Edit/DLC Ending

Oh yeah, she also lost her vegan powers from Turkey contact. So she then proceeded to explode into a pile of coins.

Spoiler: Blogs and Warriors

Yea, so we're on a timer here folks!
TICK TOCK!
TICK TOCK!

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My name is not important! All you need to know is that I'm a Soldier, fighting against the ultimate evil. We based somewhere known only as Sargoy. Specifically, the floors are a bunch of tiles, tiles of four different images.

Spoiler: The tiles

Quite an odd place to be based on if you ask me... But I didn't make the rules. Anyways, this is a war... And never has there been a war without a Nazi Speech.

Which was fitting, since according to our enemy, we are 'literally Hitler'. And beyond the distance I could hear the enemy. Their screeching, their reblogging, their "Not my president" chants were coming closer and closer. And I had only limited resources to hold them off... A few turrets set up to help widdle them down, and then my trusted gun to mop up whoever was last.

And then suddenly it was time! I rushed forward, ready to engage my enemy for one final battle, in the fight for my life! Only to realise once it was too late! These weren't the enemy at all! These were... some sort of Pig Men! Looking like they just came out of some sort of lab!

And then, I saw it! These were no mere pigs! For among the pig faces was the face of my brother, one who I thought was killed in an earlier battle! But here he was, twisted and mutilated almost beyond recognizability, into a mutant! Who knew only how to kill!

And thus this day... I died. And the Patriarchy fell.

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SHAMLESS AD!!!

This story was based completely roughly off of a video game called Sargoy. Which is basically a 3rd Person Shooter meets Tower Defence, where you pick a character and then fight off against waves of enemies. The characters being a number of YouTubers, selection currently being:

1. Shoe0nhead
2. ArmouredSkeptic
3. Sargon of Akkad
4. ChrisRayGun
5. Harmful Opinions

And I've had fun with it. It's a very shit posting and triggering kind of game. So if you shit post a lot like me, and aren't easily offended, I suggest it (I mean, it is free and all).