How Green Becomes Wood

Nice to them, children's blood is too sweet for me, Dark sent back, watching his "hell-hound" running in his sleep down by his feet, Do keep me updated with what they say. Their questions intrigue me.
 
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I will do my best to be.

Dark tossed his phone gently down onto the coffee table and then wrapped his wife and daughter up in his arms. They should already be bringing her upstairs and putting her to bed, but it had been a nice day, and a lovely evening, and he just wanted to hold them both. His baby girl... "She speaks Arabic."

"I'm so happy," Daizi breathed, resting her head against his chest, running her fingers along Ivy's back and her thumb against her tiny hand.

"Me too."

With a sigh, she shut her eyes, finding peace in the steady beat of his heart and the gentle breaths of her baby. After a few moments, she said, "We need to talk to the twins about Tara. At the very least they need to know it's okay if they want to stay home on... the day. And to know... what they need. If they know to tell us."

"I know we do," He rested his cheek against her hair, "I know."
 
With the distraction of their parents and little sister gone, the twins soon started snipping at each other again. They finished cleaning the kitchen and then went up to their room where they tried to focus on their homework. The arguments continued and escalated a little, but they never got to the level of actual yelling matches.

Eventually, they tired themselves out. They sat on the floor leaned up against the wall and each other. Agitated, grieving, anticipating, and frustrated as they were, they still needed and wanted the support of each other. They didn't say a word to each other, but they both recognized that they were using each other as an easy way to let off a little steam rather than attacking their friends. It might not have been the best tactic, but it was working for now. Not for long, but for now.
 
Eventually, Dark and Daizi pried themselves off the bed and lay their daughter in her crib, lingering for a few moments longer. Their daughter. She was caused them so much stress, woke them up randomly, and took over most aspects of their lives. But god, they loved her. And now she had said her very first word.

During the weekend, they suggested to the twins they visit the apple orchard, but understood if the twins were too tired emotionally to do so. Although they didn't yet sit them down to talk about Tara, they made it perfectly clear they were aware adoption wasn't the only thing coming up, and made an effort to make more of the twins favourite foods.

After school on Monday was therapy, and once more Cooger came by to babysit Ivy. It didn't seem worthwhile to bring her, 'zahra' wouldn't add much to the session, and keeping her awake just so she'd sleep during it was overwhelming. Leaving her with Cooger was better for all of them, and soon enough, the four of them were in a waiting room.
 
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The twins did agree to an apple orchard because it was that or sit around moping in their feelings when they weren't busy in their hobbies or jobs (not that they actually vocalized that part). The orchard was a good call, keeping them distracted from their internal thoughts. They weren't as involved as they might have been otherwise, but they still enjoyed themselves and made a game of trying to get Ivy to say the names of various things in either English or Arabic.

On Monday, Alec was able to talk to Emma. She was a little stiff at first, but after only a couple of sentences, she relaxed and accepted his apology. Things seemed almost normal after that. At least, between them.

After school, the twins cleaned up, washed away the "schoolness" and went with Dark and Daizi to therapy. Neither was looking forward to it, though both were well aware it was needed. It was like visiting a doctor for something that hurt. It had to hurt worse for a bit before it could get better.

"Dr. Dre will see you now," the receptionist said, indicating the door.

Dr. Dre was crossing the room as they entered, and she smiled as she held out her hand. "Welcome back. I see you are one lighter this time."
 
The apple orchard was nice. The air was bright, clean, and just a little bit cold. Together, they were able to try different varieties of apples and bring their favourites home. They also got to share hot apple cider and fresh apple cider donuts. It was a simple day, but a nice day, and although Ivy couldn't say most words, she did get the honor of pointing out when flowers existed.

After school on Monday, Dark shook Dr. Dre's hand first, and said, "Hello. We decided to leave Ivy with her Uncle, we decided it might be easier if we did not need to worry about keeping her sleeping."

"And I always feel bad keeping her awake all day," Daizi sighed, greeting Dr. Dre warmly, "She doesn't understand."
 
"Completely understandable," Dr. Dre said warmly.

Her office was arranged the same as before, and the twins found comfortable seats near their parents, leaving one of the singular chairs open for the doctor. They both greeted her politely but uncertainly, ready to pick at the emotional scars and scabs that had been bothering them. Dr. Dre gave them a few moments to settle in and get comfortable, waiting until she was certain they were ready before she spoke.

"Who would like to begin?" she asked gently. "I understand that there are a few important things happening soon in your lives. Is that what you would like to talk about? Or something else?"
 
Daizi sat right next to Dark, and immediately began holding his hand, even though for the moment, things were okay, "It's always hard to decide where to start, isn't it? We scheduled the appointment because after how hard things were last month, we wanted to make sure we checked back in, so things went on in a positive direction. And now..." She gestured with one hand, as if last meeting she didn't end up having some difficult realizations and worrying her children with how worried she was, "On Friday, we finalize the adoption of them. And on Wednesday..." She sighed, turning her face towards her sons, not knowing quite how to say those words.
 
"Wednesday is the anniversary of our mum's death," Xander said bluntly.

"Ah. That is a complicated week," Dr. Dre said with a slight nod.

"It's not that we are questioning the adoption. We aren't, not one bit, but... it's just..." Alec shrugged awkardly.

"High feelings and low feelings are conflicting?" Dr. Dre asked.

Alec nodded. "Like hot and cold air fronts colliding into a tornado." At Xander's surprised look, he said, "I pay attention in science class."
 
"And we expect that," Dark said solidly, "We are not hurt by them feeling that way at all, to be clear. But, with the problems we all had a month ago, and these emotions: we definitely felt like it is helpful to address it, so it does not fester."

Daizi nodded, "Things are hard, and we want to help them be easier to carry."
 
The twins glanced at each other and seemed to hunker in a little.

Dr. Dre watched them for a moment, and when they did not volunteer to speak up, she asked, "The idea of your parents carrying the load seems to have some sort of meaning to you both. Will you explain it to us?"

Alec slowly spoke up. "It is difficult to share... to share that load. I know they are there for us without one bit of doubt, but... I don't want to share things about our Mum with Mama."

"What about your father?"

"Ba is okay. Ba can handle it."

"But your mother cannot?"

Alec glanced toward Daizi briefly then down at the floor.

It was Xander's turn to speak up. "Mama has a tendency to blame herself for a lot of things and feel guilty about being happy she gets to have us because our Mum died. We don't want her to feel bad about that. We don't want her to feel anymore conflicted than she already does about a lot of things."
 
Rubbing her thumb against Dark's hand, Daizi tipped her face away, not really knowing what to say to that. It was true, she didn't like that her great delight of having them as her sons came at such a cost, and she was conflicted between wishing they could have their mother back, and being glad they were hers, but she also didn't like that they were dealing with something alone because they didn't want to burden her with it. Of course they thought Dark could take it. He was stronger than her, clearly, or at least seemed to be. Everyone knew it, or believed it.

"Well, I..." She began, brow furrowed, attempting to conjure a response from nothing, "I don't blame myself for her death, I know I had nothing to do with that. And I can't blame myself for them mourning her, I'm... not glad that they're upset, obviously, but I'm glad they mourn her. I'd rather they mourn her than not. I wouldn't want to supplant her, or seem like I'm trying to. I want to know about her. Even if I do... I guess... feel conflicted."
 
"It is a difficult thing, being what some might call a second mother," Dr. Dre said. "It can be a little tricky for both mother and children to learn new boundaries and feel okay accepting love and giving love. Sometimes in life it can be difficult to comprehend the idea of 'in addition to' rather than 'instead of,' but your family seems to be doing very well in growing in that direction. I think you are doing very well in not being a supplanter. You are... a blessing, if you will, to your children. A bonus."

"A bonus. Yes," Alec said, brightening a little. "Our bonus mother. We have the privilege of having two. Two times the motherly love." His smile faded a little. "Even if it was one at a time."

Dr. Dre gave him a moment before asking, "I noticed that you said you did not want to bring your struggles to your mother because you were concerned with her history of being hard on herself and even blaming herself. May I ask, have you brought them to your father?" At the twins' guilty silence, she continued, "If he is stronger than your mother..."

"Oh, no, he's not stronger," Alec interrupted emphatically. "I mean, physically, yes, he's stronger, but with all things... emotional, un, incorporeal... metaphorical... abstract... That kind of thing, Mama is much stronger than he is. Stronger, but more sensitive, too."

"Ba can take on a lot, too," Xander added. "Neither of them are weak. They just have different weaknesses and strengths, like most people. We just... Mama has been hurt by a lot and been carrying a lot. It's hard to add to it because she'll always say yes to taking on a burden even if maybe she shouldn't."

"I see," Dr. Dre nodded. "Have you considered that you might be underestimating her?"

"No..." Alec said slowly, drawing it out.

"Yes," Xander said bluntly. "But when you think you might maybe hear the ice cracking, you get off the water whether it was real or not."

"That makes sense, yes. However, I noticed that you steered the conversation away from your father again and toward your mother."

The twins fidgeted uncomfortably. They glanced at each other and down at the floor again. Dr. Dre gave them time but turned toward Dark and Daizi again to give them a turn to talk whilt the twins sorted themselves out.
 
"Giving love isn't a problem," Daizi said softly, taking a breath as Dark placed his other hand over hers. Of course he had her, he always had, "It never has been. And I know they love me, too. I can't say..." Her delicate shoulders dropped down and she could feel her husband's eyes fixed on her. There was something else she nearly said, but with a slight shake of her head, she switched to, "I can't say I don't know how to receive their love, because, I know. I don't doubt how they feel for me." She just wanted them safe and secure, and it pained her to know they didn't want to bring their problems to her out of fear of burdening her. It seemed an impossible situation. She worried about them because she always knew when they were struggling, but so often wasn't let into their inner worlds to help. It's not like not knowing the details made it easier. In a quiet voice, she added, "I'm not cracking."

Swallowing hard as he looked at her, Dark knew he disagreed with her assessment. At least partially. She was stronger than she was given credit for, but she was burdened more than she realized, too. It was there, in the lines of her smile and in the way she held him at night. There were so many people in both their lives who Daizi fought hard to keep floating, she didn't seem to remember her own life-vest, much of the time. And he'd be there, he'd always be there, to pull her onto the raft, but his worry was if they went down together. Holding her hand like it was the most precious thing in the world, greater than diamonds, tea, or oxygen, Dark watched as his wife's eyes shut under the weight of the temporary silence in the room. "You feel things so deeply, rohi," He murmured, feeling like there was more to say, but not knowing what the words were.

It was likely he may have stayed, caressing her hand and trying to find the correct words of support, but the way the twins avoided speaking of him pulled his attention. Looking now at their shy and uncomfortable faces, he frowned, eyebrows furrowed in concern, "Why can you not speak with me? If you believe I can take it?"
 
The twins disagreed with Daizi's assessment of herself, too, but what could they say? From what they'd seen, she held, and she held, and she held until she did shatter, and she never said no. Not to anyone. She was the linchpin of this family. They all needed her, but she took on so much without letting them try to help her. At least she had Dark, but what happened if something happened to Dark?

Dark's question redirected them, and they turned their attention back to him. Still, they hesitated.

"I don't want to hurt Ba's feelings," Alec said softly.

"It is alright," Dr. Dre assured him. "You can say whatever you need to in this space, and we will sort through it together."

Alec looked at Dark. "I don't... want to hurt you by talking about what we've lost when you never had it," he said.

"Ba never had a good family, and he's always afraid he'll turn into his parents. Talking to him about what we lost feels like maybe we're twisting a knife," Xander stated.

Dr. Dre gave a slight nod. "What about the fact that since he went through such horrors, he might have some good advice from that point of view?"
 
Looking long at his twins, Dark shook his head lightly, "It would not feel that way to me." To him, that answer was sufficient. It was true, it would not bother him to know how they grieved for their mother. Daizi spoke to him about her grief for her brother, and her other lost family members, Cooger over his grandmother. But he knew that would not be enough for the twins, not now, not where they were, "I have long ago made my peace with what I never had. What I went through does not need to scare you from talking to me about what you are going through. Our suffering is not in competition."
 
"I'm just... so confused," Alec sighed, bending over slightly and half curling in on himself. "I want to talk but... I don't want to hurt the people I talk to. None of my friends could possibly ever understand, and that's okay, and they do their best to try to be supportive. Especially Sloan and Tom. Tom's not great, but he tries. Trying counts. Sloan's great. But it still doesn't feel right to talk to them. Then Mama... Mama is easy to talk to, but I worry about her because she worries about literally everyone but herself, and Ba... Ba is intense to talk to. I want to talk, but I never know where to start, and it... it hurts to talk about our Mum and... this time... but it hurts not to talk, too."
 
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