How Green Becomes Wood

"You are welcome," Dark replied, turning back to his sketchbook and picking up his pencil. Their conversation had been a nice distraction. But now it was just him and the lamp and his sketches of mutilated genderless beings crying out as they dug through a pile for rusted pieces to make themselves whole again. Or, that is what it would be, when it was done.

He worked in the dim light for as long as he could, trying to excise this feeling from within himself, and when he kept failing to get it out, he shut the book and shambled upstairs to collapse into bed with his wife. Daizi always had him.
 
Xander's room shaped up nicely, and he was very happy to be off the couch and in his own room by the end of the week. It was a small space, simple, but comfortable, and he could fit everything he needed in the space. Thursday night, his first night in his new room, he lay staring at the plain ceiling and the white walls, and a sense of calm washed over him. He felt he could relax for the first time, something he hadn't even realized he'd been feeling. When had he gotten so tense? At least now he had his own space.

Alec spent the rest of the week trying to clean up his room. The problem was, once he'd get everything into the bins, then he'd start feeling anxious again. He'd take a few things out, and next thing he knew, half the bins were empty again. It was a frustrating circle he was trapped in. Gloominess followed him, something he was not accustomed to feeling. Strangely, he was almost glad when Friday came around, he was almost happy when the time came for his therapy session. He didn't say anything on the car ride over, quiet and reserved as he stared out the window, but he hadn't argued the trip. Just gotten in the car and buckled up.
 
It was a wonderful thing to be loved by Daizi, Dark thought as he curled against her. Everything in his mind was overwhelming and he ached to the deepest, most secret parts of himself, but she held him so tenderly and made him feel safe. He still couldn't cry. For once, he couldn't really talk about it, he didn't know what there was to say. But she held him and loved him all the same, and it's what he needed most.

His depression didn't abate, but he was mostly back to baseline come morning, and he carried himself through the rest of the week. Finishing Xander's new room was a source of pride, and Cooger was glad to be of service. As he had promised to himself, Dark had through great effort, and with help from his brother, managed to get the wardrobe down to the basement. It belonged to him. He would keep it. Although he didn't understand why Xander would choose white for the walls---surely a dark grey would be better?--- he accepted it and was glad his son finally had his own place.

Both he and Daizi recognized how difficult this would be for Alec, and did their best to remain available for him, if he needed to talk about it. Ivy was still too nervous to take any steps if she wasn't being held up. But life went on, and they were handling it as best they could. They had asked Sally to babysit again, since Cooger was worn out from the construction work, and soon enough, Dark was driving them to therapy.
 
When they arrived, Alec walked into the room, made a beeline for the couch, and flopped aggressively onto it. "I am terrified of being still," he announced, staring at the ceiling.

"I take it this is in answer to my last question. Can you tell me why you are afraid of being still?" Dr. Hepburn asked, walking around to her chair and taking a seat.

"Because... if I'm still... then it feels like I am going to fall down a rockslide down into the gaping chasm below," Alec admitted. He paused long enough to grab the pillow at his feet and hugged it. "I can't slow down. I can't sit still. I can't be still. I can't remember when it started, but the feeling of the darkness has been there in the back for a long time. It's been getting a lot worse lately, but I don't know why. I can't seem to ignore it as well as I used to. It's just... always there. Hungry. Waiting for me to trip up and fall." He took a shaky breath, determined not to cry this time. "I guess it's depression, but I don't want to be depressed. I don't want it! I can't be depressed! I like life. I do. I like all the good things in life, but sometimes... sometimes I just want to stop fighting and let it happen. Let myself get eaten and just... stop existing. I don't mean end myself on purpose, just... Not be anymore. I know it doesn't work like that, but that's how I feel."

Dr. Hepburn got up and quietly fetched the unicorn from the cupboard. She handed it to him and sat down again. "I am proud of you for being honest both with me and with yourself," she said gently. "It's not easy. Well done." She sat back and gave him a moment to hug his unicorn and breathe. "Why are you so afraid of depression?"

"I'm not sure," he admitted, fiddling with the unicorn's hair. "It's just scary to me. I don't want to be depressed, not like Ba. And I can't be. I mean, isn't that why people go to therapy? To get cured from depression? But it sure is taking a long time."

"Your father has been depressed for a long time?" she asked.

Alec shrugged. "I guess so. He says he is. You know, the whole 'can't be happy' thing from a couple of sessions ago. But he's been in therapy, um, ten years? I think? Something like that? A long time. So why isn't he better?"

Dr. Hepburn made a few notes. "Do you know much about depression?"

"People get really sad, some stop wanting to live, and I guess some people hurt themselves."

"That is the absolute basic definition, yes," she admitted, "but it is a lot more complicated than that. Let's think about depression as a sort of disease for a moment, okay?"

Alec turned his head to frown at her. "A disease?"

"This is just a metaphor. It is not really a disease," she assured him. "Anyone can be affected by depression at any time. For some people, it is like a cold. It comes about because of outside factors. Maybe they are having a hard time at work or home. They struggle for a while, but eventually, the depression resolves itself. For others, it's more like the flu. Maybe a precious pet or a dear friend or family member dies or something else tragic. Some people are hit very hard by the flu, just like this depression, but for some, they can take care of themselves and heal alone. Others might need help, like a doctor's visit or hospital stay for the flu, they might need some help for their depression, and eventually, it heals and goes away. If they don't get help, then they might get worse to the point of death. Do you understand so far?"

Alec nodded. "I think so. And I guess like the flu or a cold, the little depression might come back because you can't completely heal and never catch a cold again. But you can try to do things to help prevent it, even if nothing is 100%?"

"Very good. Now, for some people, depression is like diabetes. Do you know much about diabetes?"

"You get it by eating too much sugar?"

"For some, yes. There are two basic types: One you are born with, though you might not know it for a few years, and one you essentially create with poor diet or similar. For both types, once you have it, you cannot cure it. You can only manage it. For some, it is not too bad, and they can do quite well with diet and exercise. For others, it is much more severe and they need insulin. Sometimes, for both, they might get a sugar crash or a sugar high that- hopefully - temporarily affects them in a negative way, and they need more help for a while then they would on the daily."

Alec frowned thoughtfully at the ceiling as he played with the unicorn's horn. "So... my Ba... he might be like a diabetic depression? He'll always have it forever, but some days he'll feel better than others?"

Dr. Hepburn gave a little nod. "Precisely."

"Was I born with it? Does it matter if I was born with it or contracted it?"

"I cannot answer that just yet, and it might matter, but, again, I cannot answer it just yet. Your depression might not even be the 'uncurable' type, if you will, but we cannot know that until we begin to face it."

Alec heaved a sigh. "I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to feel this way."

"Very few people do, but ignoring it only makes it worse, just like with diabetes. Not taking the steps to try to help yourself and ignoring it can lead to some very severe problems," Dr. Hepburn told him.

"I'm gathering that." Alec raised his hands and rubbed his face. He gave the unicorn a tight squeeze, not saying anything for a long time. Dr. Hepburn allowed him to be silent in that time until he was ready to ask her, "So. What now? How do I treat myself? How do I face it?"

Dr. Hepburn smiled at him.
 
Out in the waiting room, Dark and Daizi talked a bit about their plans for tomorrow. Alec had been seeming better this week, at least to an extent, and wasn't fighting against attending today, so they didn't spend as much time in the waiting room fretting. Instead, they simply had the freedom to scheme.
 
At the end of the session, Dr. Hepburn walked Alec out. Alec hung his head tiredly, drained, but far less agitated than he had been the last couple of sessions. He moved toward his parents, stopping in front of them to wait.

"May I speak with you both for a moment?" Dr. Hepburn asked Dark and Daizi.
 
Alec tried to smile, but it didn't come out quite right. He sat down to wait.

Dr. Hepburn returned to her chair and waited for Dark and Daizi to sit. "Alec has made some significant breakthroughs in our time," she told them. "I have to say, I am impressed. He is resistant at times, but not unreasonable."
 
"Good," Dark said, both he and Daizi relaxing a bit, "He seemed much more willing to come here today than he had during the past two sessions."

"It's been a somewhat easier week overall."
 
"Good, that is good to hear. I have spoken to him about what I am about to tell you, and as you are his guardians, I can tell you that he is struggling with depression and mild ADHD. He is also struggling with nightmares that are not helping with his depression. I would like to write him a prescription for a very mild anti-depressant and see how that goes. Are you opposed to that idea?"
 
"I have no objections to that," Dark replied solidly, "Psychiatrics are necessary sometimes." He was certain he would not still be alive without them.

"Have you spoken with Alec about it?" Daizi asked, "I agree it's a good idea. I know some have a side effect of increasing the user's appetite. I couldn't stay on the one I took with that side effect, but it wouldn't hurt him."
 
"I did. He said if you were all right with it, then he would be fine taking them," Dr. Hepburn told her. She told them about the specific drug she wanted them to try and the potential side effects. "I can call in the prescription to your chosen pharmacy, and you should be able to pick it up today. Increased appetite is one of the side effects, and in his case, it might be beneficial," she remarked. "There are also a few things I would like you to try at home for both depression and ADHD. I can email you the specifics, but for this week, it mostly boils down to keeping an eye on his mood, how he responds to the prescription, and his mood in general. I am sure you are aware, but I would like to state for the record, this is not going to solve all of his problems overnight, but I do have great confidence that it will help his quality of life overall."
 
"We will read and adhere to whatever you send us," Dark promised, "And yes, we both recognize it will not be a miracle cure."

"But we're very glad it's a start," Daizi replied, squeezing Dark's hand. He was stiff and being even more reserved than usual, but he was struggling so much then too. If nobody else was, she was proud of him. "Is there anything else?"
 
"Yes, one more thing. I would like for you to make an appointment for next week, but if you feel that he is doing well and does not need it, then you are welcome to cancel it with no repercussions," she told her. "I think we are close to being able to shift it to every other week, but I do not want to rush things. If you feel he needs to continue weekly for a time, then we shall do so."
 
Daizi nodded, "We will do that and keep you updated about what he needs. Thank you."

"When does your office close down for the holdiays?" Dark asked, "So we can prepare him for that time."
 
Dark and Daizi both paused to make sure they were on the same page. Then they confirmed they had no further questions, thanked Dr. Hepburn for her time and went out to collect their son and schedule the next appointment.
 
Alec didn't say anything until they were in the car heading home. He stared out the window quietly for a long time. "I'm looking forward to tomorrow," he finally said. "Tomorrow is a happy time."
 
"I'm looking forward to it too," Daizi smiled, glad to hear him speak up, "and you're both on break now. There's a whole lot to celebrate."

"Ivy will be very glad to not have to say goodbye every morning," Dark mused.
 
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