How Green Becomes Wood

Despite how regularly the twins made a comment like that since taking them in, Dark still didn't know how to feel about it. He just barely wanted to be like him, at least sometimes. Sometimes more than sometimes. And whatever strength he did have... he needed to go through a lot of hell to develop it.

Ultimately, he looked out at the road and said, "I hope you develop your own kind of strength and never have need for mine."
 
That was even more difficult to know how to respond to. He wasn't sure if he wanted to know his own answer. Keeping his eyes on the road, Dark eventually found himself saying, "Sometimes. Not all of the time. Less than I used to."
 
"I do not know how to answer that," Dark admitted quietly. "I know I should not. Everyone who I love tells me I should not. But sometimes..." He exhaled, not knowing how to express the why, "I think I set my expectations too high for myself, and I am too stringent. I cannot be the person I want to be, because nobody could be, so when I fail to live up to those expectations, I find it shameful. I know I should not, but I can never fully excise the voice in my mind who berates me. At least not forever."
 
Alec turned to look at his father. "I'm sorry you feel that way, Ba, but... I understand it. I understand how you could feel that way. I hope someday you won't feel that way anymore, but even if you never do, I'll believe in you. I'll always believe in you. I don't know if that helps, but it is the truth."
 
"Thank you," Dark said, exhaling in his quiet, tired way, "It is not all of the time. I struggle with lot of feelings of guilt and shame. And sometimes I am frustrated with myself because I do not want to struggle with my mental health. I do not want to do the things I do when one of my disorders is particularly intense in the moment and I become annoyed with myself. It is like..." He paused and then frowned, furrowing his eyebrows, "Gollum. It is like Gollum."
 
"I understood that reference," Alec said with a slight smile. He looked out the window again. "I get that way sometimes. I mean, not anything like you, I don't think. I didn't see the kinds of things... I didn't live through..." He trailed off uncomfortably. "Sometimes I feel really guilty. Like I don't deserve to have bad mental health because my life wasn't bad enough. There was so, so much worse. It could have been worse. But sometimes, like before you made me go see Dr. Hepburn, I just feel... so screwed up I'm trapped in my own messed up thinking. And I look at you, and I know you're hurting, you're struggling, but you're also... You keep yourself going and the family going. I know Mama helps, I'm not discounting that, but you don't hurt other people with your sccrewed up, messed up rationalizations."
 
"I do not know if I can say I do not hurt others. Maybe you can say I do not hurt others anymore, I certainly, undeniably used to, but even that... Did I not hurt you when I said I cannot be happy, even though I meant I can only feel the emotion but not exist in a state of happiness?" He asked, finally glancing at Alec, "Suffering is not the Olympics. It is not something anyone can win. What would you say to someone who claimed they cannot struggle deeply because their parents are alive and they have never wanted for a warm bed? If Sloan tomorrow tomorrow you she struggles with depression, would you believe she could not possibly?"
 
Alec started to answer and then hesitated. "I guess... I would not tell her any of that, and I would try to meet her where she was. It feels different when it's you, doesn't it? It's easier to see clearly for other people." He glanced at his father. "Sorry. I didn't mean to make this about me."
 
"I will tell you truthfully, Alec: sometimes even I catch myself saying in private moments I do not deserve to be as damaged as I am. Yes, a bomb fell from the sky and destroyed my parents and my home--- but I did not like my parents much anyway. Yes, a bomb fell from the sky and destroyed my home--- but I still have all of my limbs, I still have both of my eyes. I have a scar on my cheek, that is all. Yes, I lived through war, but only for two years. Not even a full two years. And yes, my parents abused and neglected me. But even they had lines they did not cross, others are not so lucky." He shrugged, flipping on the turn signal, "I think humans all downplay ourselves into the grave, because if we survive, regardless of what we survived, we think, But it could be worse, I could be dead. And the dead still says, It could be worse, I could still be alive and suffering."
 
Alec looked over at his father. He reached over and gripped Dark's arm briefly. "I'm glad you aren't dead, and I'm sorry, very sorry, that you went through all of those things, but I am selfishly happy that you are alive and here and who you are for us. I hope that makes sense and isn't too offensive to say. I... I love you as you are. I wouldn't want you to be anyone or anything else. Gothic vampire and all."
 
"It is not selfish," Dark replied, and would have gripped Alec back were he not driving, "and I am also glad to not be dead. I may not always love myself, but I am glad I was able to live. It took me some time to feel that way, but I do. I am often struck by how much I would have missed had I died any of the times when I was close to it, or I suppose if I had stayed dead."
 
"I don't like thinking about those times," Alec said with a frown. "I know they are a part of you, and I know I need to accept them, but I don't like thinking about them. They make me feel... afraid. As if something is going to steal you away if I think about those times. If I don't, if I ignore it, then it won't happen."
 
"Those times are behind me now," Dark told him, while knowing how the scars lingered, "I will not speak to you about them if they upset you, but I can promise speaking about them will not bring me harm."
 
Last edited:
"Well," Dark said softly, "I do not suppose what occurred in my past should affect you much today, at least not in any way besides how it has shaped who I am. So if it is too much for you hear and know about, there is not much harm in not knowing."
 
"Hmm. Kind of late now," Alec murmured. Then he shook it off. "Ba? How do you know if someone is willing to put in the work?" He said it as if Dark should know exactly what he meant by that.
 
"In a relationship. Any relationship," Alec said with a slight wave of his hand. "How do you know when the other person is willing to put in the work if something wrong? With them or with the relationship itself?"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top