How Green Becomes Wood

It was impossible for her to hide how much the words hurt her, and she stopped walking as she listened because doing both at once was beyond her capabilities. She couldn't walk when she was pretty sure she was about to be sick. She crossed her arms tight across her chest and dug her fingernails deep into her arms, "You could have just said they were being homophobic." She murmured, trying to remember there was grass beneath her. To some extent she was glad she knew, it was better than the anxiety of not knowing, but not by much. "I don't blame you for punching them. But it was stupid you got suspended for me. And then kept it a secret from me."
 
"You asked," Xander said bluntly. He looked away to hide the fact that he didn't like seeing her in pain like this. "Of course I kept it from you. Why would anyone want to tell anyone else stuff like this? It doesn't help anything."
 
"It's not really your decision to make," She said, "I mean it was, I guess, but... I still found out, didn't I? I found out they were saying something about me, anyway. And it just..." She furrowed her eyebrows and leaned back against the fence, "You shouldn't get to decide what I'm strong enough to take. You don't decide what I'm helped by." She cast her gaze down at the grass and ran her sleeve over her face, "What if I had made friends with them? Or friends with their friends? I was part of it before you were, I just didn't know it. I had a right to know. How would you feel if our situation was reversed?"
 
"Look, I'm sorry you found out the way you did, but you weren't supposed to find out at all because all it would do is cause you pain. Like it's doing right now," Xander said sharply. He turned away, took a deep breath, and let it out slowly in an effort to calm down. "There's no way you'd ever be friends with those jackasses, and if our situations were reversed, I wouldn't do what you're doing now because I'm not you. I think that sometimes ignorance is bliss. And I didn't 'decide' what you were 'strong enough' to handle, I 'decided' how much pain I, personally, was going to deliberately inflict on you. Maybe it was the wrong decision, but I don't exactly have the greatest of track records when it comes to good decisions, do I? I didn't think either of them would ever have the guts to tell them the real truth to anyone, let alone you."
 
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"Okay, but--" She slid down against the fence and sat on the grass, keeping her knees up, "It meant you and Alec were talking about me too, right? The two of you had to decide what was best for me, and if I had known..." She looked her head back up at the sky, "I could have decided if I was going to accept his apology, I could have been prepared... You didn't need to come to me listing all the slurs they said about me, but you could have warned me. I'm not even mad at you because I know you were just trying to protect me but... For godsakes you got suspended for me, and what happens if someone else starts saying the same shit?"
 
Xander heaved a sigh and moved to squat down an arm's length away from Sloan, arms resting on his knees as he stared off in the middle distance. "To be clear, Alec didn't have a say in what I did or didn't do or say. He thought maybe I should tell, but he wasn't going to say anything unless I said he could or should. And you should know by now that I don't do things by half. I warned you you wouldn't like it, but i'll keep in mind how to handle this the next time a friend of mine is getting talked about even in a roundabout way." He glanced at her. "I don't mind getting suspended for something like this. It's worth a lot more than all the other trouble I've been in over the years. But I promise to try to use my words next time first."
 
"Yeah, but I don't want you getting expelled over me." Sloan said, still looking up, "Its a suspension this time, but the next time people say something like that, and why wouldn't there be a next time, it's not like those are the only two kids in the school who say those things, and it's not like the rest of the school will start watching what they say because they don't know why you fought the first two, and if this happens again, what do you think would happen?" It was a bit of a slippery slope fallacy, but she either didn't realize it or didn't care, "It's a hydra and I don't even know how long it's been going on for." Finally she turned her head and looked at him, "But if I didn't know it was happening, and I encountered it myself, it'd feel so much worse than hearing it from my stupid friend who makes stupid choices to help his friends," she might have smiled a little bit if she wasn't upset, "and that's the why I needed to know."
 
"Fair enough," Xander agreed, accepting the "stupid friend" comment in stride. "But I don't think you have to worry too much. It's one step at a time. Most of the other kids aren't stupid enough to say things like that so loud literally anyone could hear them, but from now on, I promise to get permission from you first before I smash anyone's faces in."
 
Sloan fell quiet for some time, just watching the clouds and trying to figure out her feelings, but there were just too many and it was overwhelming. She couldn't even really blame him for trying to keep it secret from her, but it still hurt that he had, and it drove her insane he got suspended for her but didn't tell her why. And she felt ashamed, wondering what her mother would say. "He thought you were my boyfriend." Was all she said when she did finally speak again. "I told him you weren't. I don't know if he believed me."
 
Xander snorted, actually smirking at that. "Wow. Anyone with eyes would know that's not true. You are way out of my league. I must be your charity case. That, or you got a thing for bad boys."
 
Finally she half chuckled, "I don't know. I don't think I believe in leagues... and I think out of anyone in our friend group, we'd probably be the most believable fake couple."
 
"Hmm, yeah, probably," Xander agreed with a slight nod. "You and Peter might be able to pull it off, maybe, but I dunno." He shifted his weight a little. "I am sorry you found out the way you did. That wasn't supposed to happen. I'm not sorry for... most everything else."
 
"Thank you." She replied softly. "I just... I don't understand. I mean, I do understand, people are awful and irrational and mean for the sake of being mean. But I try really hard to be nice to everyone. And this is still the notice I attract."
 
Xander shifted to look at her. "Are you serious?" he asked, genuinely puzzled. "Dude, this is not the only notice you attract. These were two stupid dudes, one of which was just a follower and the other of which has a reputation with the girls, if you know what I mean. Their words hurt, yeah, but their opinion doesn't matter. You're never going to win with everyone, but you've made one hell of a try, and you've nearly succeeded. I'd say half the school at least likes you to some degree. The other half mostly falls into some category of too busy to care. People make shit up about the most random of things. My foster father has something to do with camel smuggling, after all."
 
"I can't wait until I graduate. There are so many people who come back to visit their old high school, but I am never going to come back. Not even if they pay me." She said blandly, resting her chin on her knees, "I shouldn't have joined Student Council. I don't think I'd be half as known as I am if I hadn't. It better help me with my college apps or I'll regret ever joining at all."
 
"Don't worry. Soon it'll be nothing more than a blip on the map of your existence," Xander told her. "I don't know if things'll get better, but at least they'll be different."

Meanwhile, Alec arrived home from school and started looking for Xander immediately, Daizi and Ivy second. "Hello? Anyone home?" he called, trying to push down the rising anxiety. Xander was likely in his shop, right?
 
"Yeah..." She said, shutting her eyes. Really, she just wanted to cry, but for some reason didn't feel all that comfortable crying in front of Xander. It was better to just wait until she went home where she could lock herself in her bedroom and pretend at dinner like nothing at all had happened at school.

"Welcome home, habibi," Daizi called from the living room, "Xander went out for a walk, so it's just us two. How was school?"
 
Xander turned to look at her out of the corner of his eye. After a moment of silence, he said, "It'll be okay. You got me watching your back. One day at a time, we'll both get through it."
 
"I know," Xander said bluntly. "Trust me, I know." He pushed himself up. "And I get that it fuckin' hurts to do it, but at least it's not secret from everyone in your life. Come on. We should start back."

"Oh," Alec said, confused and disappointed. Why wouldn't Xander wait for him? "Um, school was fine. Different and a little weird, so pretty standard for High school. How about your day?"
 
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