How Green Becomes Wood

Dark thought about taking the time to explain just how dedicated Daizi was, in ways the twins may not have noticed, but it didn't seem necessary, or particularly kind. "That may be how you mean it," he told him. "But it is how it feels to hear it." He paused, trying to figure out how to explain it without divulging too much or seeming like he ignored the rather lovely explanation Xander had provided. But although he appreciated it, and he was glad to know his perspective on it, it didn't shift the negative feelings he had about it much. "Do you remember when you first came here? And you had to adjust, learn your place, and... figure out who you are, in it?"
 
Xander finally glanced at Dark. "Are you about to explain about how no matter how I mean it, the words don't sound nice to you and hurt your feelings?" he asked bluntly but not unkindly or with any sort of annoyance. "Yeah, I can get that. I just wanted you to know for past reference. I'll try not to use it in the future, but, you know, it might slip." He gave Dark a lopsided smile. "I had my speech, though, so if you want to tell me how it made - makes - you feel, I'll listen. Um, yeah, I remember how it felt. Pretty damn scary." That was something he would not have admitted even a few months ago.
 
"I was just going to say... I wonder if you realize it is just as vulnerable on the other side." Dark said, meeting Xander's gaze, "There are more books written. But they are all guides, and never have the answers to the questions you are asking, and... It is scary for us, too. It has been scary for me. I can talk to you and Alec, when there is an issue. Or if I am concerned. I cannot ask her. One day, but not now. And babies can die from little things. Or seemingly nothing at all. I already saw one of my children dead. There is nothing I could have done. But she looks like him. It is scary. It stays scary. I have to manage it how I can."
 
"I'll never understand how that feels exactly, but I understand fear like that," Xander said slowly. "For what it's worth, I'd say that from the outside, it looks like you're doing a damn good job. For real. Probably doesn't help."
 
"Imagine having that fear, and you cannot put it down, and are told, regularly, you are weird and obsessed for managing those feelings, and trying to do something you have no reference for, well." Dark watched Xander carefully and then looked back out the window, "And the person who tells you these things is, themselves, someone you carry these concerns for. I think I second guess enough on my own."
 
Xander shifted uncomfortably in his seat, a frown creasing his brow. Did Dark really have to rub it in? He got it! Repeating it with extra nuance is just underlining the fact that he'd been a jack*** to him. Was Dark looking for a specific reaction from Xander? Was he twisting the knife for them both to make it memorable? It just made Xander want to leave. He got the point! It was important! Xander had just been trying to explain why he said what he said, and he'd already agreed that it wouldn't happen again. Dark had explained his side of how f***ing traumatic it all was, and Xander wasn't stupid enough to think he could possibly ever actually understand what Dark went through unless he went through it himself. What more could Dark possibly want from him? Did he want Xander to start living with the same constant fear that Ivy was going to drop dead at any second? Or what? He didn't know what Dark wanted from him with that extra explanation. So he said nothing and stared out the window, caught in a mixture of shame and anger and confusion.
 
"You said you would hear my speech." Dark said, looking back at him, "That was it. Most of it. The parts you needed to know. I am not upset with you. I appreciate your perspective on it. But that is my speech."
 
"I just..." Xander sighed. "I feel like I'm getting somewhere sometimes, like at least now I know when I'm being an a*, and I know I when I hurt people, but then... I dunno, I guess I just want to say my bit and run because whenever the other person gets the chance to speak, they get to tell me that I was even more of an a* than I initially thought. I know that doesn't make for a proper apology, but why does trying to fix something always have to hurt so f***ing bad?" He wasn't necessarily angry, not even at Dark, just frustrated. He'd thought this, at least, would be a simple thing, and then it turned out to be deeper than he thought.
 
"I do not think you are an a**. And I am sorry I made you feel that way. It was not my intention." Dark told him, keeping his gaze fixed on Xander for once, but sighed heavily, "This may not help. It probably will not. But you explained yourself, which I appreciate. But you did not apologize. You skipped those words--I do not mind, I know what you meant, and I did not think you needed to apologize to me in the first place. But in the future, as you grow, it may help to hurt less if you do say those words."
 
Xander hesitated, rubbing the back of his neck lightly before letting his hand fall. "Didn't mean to make this about me," he murmured as an aside. "Um. I am... sorry... that I wasn't..." He waved a hand vaguely, trying to find the right words in the mess of his brain. "More aware of what the words I said... what kind of impact they had on you. I was stuck trying to make you see things my way instead of, you know, meeting you. So. Um. Sorry." He looked down, feeling awkward and unsure of himself and hating the feeling.
 
"Thank you. I forgive you." Dark replied, "I am sorry I did not tell you how the comments affected me." He nodded, and looked back out the window, grabbing his knee because Xander didn't like to be touched, so he could not squeeze his shoulder.
 
"It's alright." Xander glanced sideways at Dark. "It's not like either of us are exactly talkative." He looked out the window and fidgeted with his fingers. "How do you... not get upset when someone says stuff that makes you upset? Even if it's true what they're saying."
 
"Who says I do not get upset?" Dark asked, "I do not get upset at people, mostly. I do not get upset at you, because I know you do not mean to upset me. I do not get upset with my students, because they are foolish, and they do not upset me to begin with. If I know someone is trying to do me harm, then I can be upset with them. But that does not mean I am always unbothered."
 
"Guess I just jump on the defense too fast," Xander admitted. "That, and I get caught up in my own washer of a head." He glanced sideways at Dark, envying the other's calm control. He knew there was a lot more to it, that still waters ran very deep and very turbulently, but it was times like now that he wished he could be more like his foster father.
 
"It comes with time, also." Dark added, looking into the middle distance, "I used to be more reactive. It did not help me. And I knew it did not help. But I did not know how to be different, and for a long time I did not want to be different. But I came very close to dying. And that changes a lot about you."
 
Xander looked sideways at Dark. "No offense, but I think I'd like to skip the near-death part," he said cautiously. "I think I'll just stick to trying to figure out what I can from a decent example."
 
"I would rather you skip it too." Dark agreed, still looking out the window, not missing Xander's subtle praise, "Being around good people helps. Being aware of whose opinion matters to you does too. And when they do: I do not particularly like many of my coworkers, but if they gave me constructive criticism about my performance, it would matter to me. It matters less when they provide comments about my home life."
 
"Makes sense," Xander agreed with a nod. He sat in silence for a few moments. Then he pointed out the window. "There's, um, what did you call her? The fox. She's back sniffing around."
 
"I've only seen a couple. It's always weird seeing them in town. People always talk about them as wild animals out where people don't live, but they seem to be just fine with cities," Xander remarked.
 
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