How Green Becomes Wood

"Oh... oh," Daizi murmured, turning her back to the door as Alec stepped in so she could dry her eyes and stuff everything down, "Yeah, I'm okay. She's just a little fussy this evening." The way she had turned left Ivy's tiny blubbering face towards Alec, she had two fistfuls of hair and a crumpled, tearful face while Daizi continued to bounce and rock her.
 
Alec frowned at the scene and pulled the door fully open. "Mama, what's wrong?" he asked uncertainly. What had happened between now and when they'd ridden in the car? Had she gotten some bad news? Had she had a hard day but had tried to hide it for Xander's sake? Or... a sinking feeling crept in... had been something he said? "Mama, is it what I said in the car? About adoption?" he asked uncertainly, stepping closer. If it wasn't that, he hated bringing it up again.
 
She took a breath, still with her back turned, and blinked quickly to try to keep from crying again, then she turned to Alec and gave him a wan smile, "No, it's nothing. I just," she swallowed, "I'm really happy for Xander. It's such a big day for him, and I'm very proud, and it's making me a little bit emotional." Her voice was light but tightly controlled, "and she's upset because she saw me crying."
 
Alec frowned, studying her. He didn't know why, but he didn't quite believe her. He walked over and put a hand on her arm, sliding his hand down to cover hers. "I shouldn't have said that how I did," he said softly. "I'm sorry. I didn't think of how it would affect you." He took a deep breath. "I miss our Mum still. Sometimes, I miss her so much it hurts, but when I look at you, at my Mama, I feel... soothed. You don't replace her, you're different, but you are my mother. I don't care if we don't share blood or names, I would actually physically fight anyone who dared say anything different. You're my mama forever."
 
"I know," She told him carefully, although she fought to keep the expression on her face from looking pained, "I know." Daizi ducked her head to the side and then rubbed her face against Ivy's cheek, still trying to settle her and herself, not knowing what else to say to him because she felt absolutely shattered inside but at the same time, she didn't want to put any of it onto him, because it wasn't his fault. Knowing he didnt want to be adopted by her was beyond painful, but she and Dark had both promised to respect their decision and take their lead, and she wasn't going to make him think she was going back on that promise.
 
Alec squeezed her hand lightly and tried to think of how to put what he felt into words. "I love this family," he said at last. "I love being a part of this family. I love every single loving, chaotic second of it. I feel this is where I belong and who I belong with. At the same time, I have this idea in my head, whether it's right or wrong, that if I accepted being adopted by you or anyone, I'd be disrespecting the blood family I do and did have. Not you-know-who, he doesn't count. I mean our mum and our aunt Ciara. Aunt Ciara made a lot of mistakes, and I think she really is trying to atone for them or something, and I respect that. Our Mum... well, I won't pretend our childhood was great. It really wasn't, but she was doing her best, I think, or at least what she thought was her best. She loved us, and we did have some good times. She's dead and gone, and I don't believe she knows what's happening on this mortal plain, but even if I was wrong and she does, I can't live my life doing what I think she'd want for me to do, but at the same time, I don't want to lose that connection to her." He heaved a sigh. "I'm sorry I hurt you."
 
Daizi leaned forward and put one hand on his face, then let go, and ran he fingers through his hair a few times before leaving her hand at the back of his neck, more firmly than usual, out of desperation, not to cause pain, "You don't have to explain yourself," she told him, fighting with every ounce of her strength not to let her tears fall, "It is your decision, and whatever reasons you have for not wanting it are enough. Okay? That's enough." She rubbed her thumb behind his ear, "It doesn't feel right to you. I understand."
 
Alec stood completely still, letting Daizi do what she needed and fighting back his own tears as he watched Daizi's face. "I know I don't have to explain, but I want to. I need you to know that it's not because of anything lacking or, or, really anything else. You are really an amazing mother and woman. I couldn't possibly hope for anything or anyone better than you and Dark and Ivy. I just have some weird baggage that I haven't figured out what to do with yet. I love you, Mama. I really, really do. You make me feel like I'm home."
 
Her chin trembled as she did her best to fight everything back, "I love you, so much." she told him, her voice coming out frail, "and I am never going to try to guilt you or shame you or coerce you into changing your mind. But I think, it feels just like how it would have, if you had come to me, and said," Daizi took a deep, trembling breath, "and said you wanted us to adopt you, and we had said that we love you, and that we love that you want to be adopted by us, but it didn't feel right. And I--I understand, why it doesn't, even before you explained, I understood. I know that I'm your second mother, and I know that I always will but. I only had Omar, and I never got to hear his voice, or listen to him breathe, so even though I'm not your first mother, you and Xander, you're still my--" she cut herself off abruptly, letting go of Alec and touching first her fingertips to her chest, then her knuckles, before recognizing the feel of her necklace chain and holding onto her wedding ring which still hung from it and squeezed her eyes shut, holding Ivy as tightly as she could with one arm.
 
Alec stepped forward and hugged Daizi as best as he was able, Ivy and all. "I promise to be the best son for you I can possibly be," he promised in a whisper. He said nothing else, not knowing what else he could say. Daizi was right. The refusal would hurt no matter what he said, but he stood by the fact that it just didn't seem like the right choice. Maybe he would change his mind, but he wasn't sure. He just didn't know.
 
After everything she and Dark had done to affirm and reaffirm Xander and Alec were completely and undeniably their family and just as equally their family as Ivy was, regardless of any blood difference, it had never occurred to her for a moment that there was a difference to them. And she did understand, she really, truly did, it wasn't just words she was saying to try to make him feel better. But understanding didn't make it easier. He called her his mother, and she believed he felt that way, and he knew he loved her, but he didn't want paperwork affirming it because she wasn't blood.

And it was more complicated than that, of course she knew it was more complicated than that, and even as she sat in his embrace she was chiding herself for even trying to simplify it the tiniest bit. But that awareness didn't couldn't alter the pain of knowing that she was his mother but. She was his mother, asterisk. There was a difference there, a gap, and nothing she could do would change that.

She wished desperately he hadn't seen her before she had come to terms with it, because she didn't want him to feel guilt, she didn't want to know how badly this hurt, but that wasn't an option, now, so she forced herself to release her death grip on her wedding ring and hug him with her free arm, to make sure he knew nothing he said had changed anything about how she felt for him.
 
Alec slowly pulled away, giving her shoulder a light pat. "I was supposed to be asking you if Chinese food was okay with you, but I think they probably ordered by now. I'll head downstairs."
 
"Dark probably did his best to convince Xander to wait," Daizi told him, hugging Ivy tightly as soon as Alec let her go (for her part, Ivy was still confused about what was happening, but wasn't crying anymore, since her mother wasn't), "but he knows what I'd want anyway. If you're lucky, Xander knows your order." It felt terribly wrong to chat like nothing had happened, but there was nothing to do about it, and she needed him to know she wasn't upset with him.
 
Daizi pulled away from Ivy slightly, wiping her baby's teary face with her thumb and took a deep breath. She really, really didn't want to give Ivy up, because she did find it comforting to hug her daughter... but she knew the moment that door was shut, she was going to start crying all over again, and she didn't want to continue to stress out Ivy. And her shirt was already damp, she already needed to change. So, although it was the very last thing she wanted to do, she gave Ivy a big kiss, and spoke to her warmly with the biggest smile she could muster, and handed her to Alec. "I am sure she would love to see her Baba."
 
Alec took Ivy with a smile. "See you soon," he said softly. He turned and walked out, giving Ivy a little bounce. "Come on, Ivy! Let's go see Baba! I'll pretend like I'm going to give you to him and then keep you for myself!" He kissed her cheek, his smile fading as he walked downstairs and went to find Dark. Internally, he was still kicking himself.
 
Ivy looked at him and then briefly over his shoulder at Daizi as they left the room, but she didn't have object permanence yet, so she easily moved on, blowing raspberries and babbling until she saw her father and her face brightened up.

"Oh, hello, Hummingbird!" Dark greeted her, "I was wondering where you all had run off too. How is my darling girl, hm?" He walked up to Alec but paused looking at his face and his eyes flicked towards the stairs, noticing how Daizi didn't come downstairs after them. When his eyes flicked back to Alec, his eyebrows knitted together, silently and subtly inquiring.
 
"She says she's fine with Chinese. Also, I made her cry and hurt her feelings without meaning to," Alec said quietly, bouncing Ivy gently in his arms. He saw no reason to even try to hide it from Dark, knowing that Daizi would tell him all about what had happened.
 
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