How Green Becomes Wood

"It was pretty bad when you called Tristan a cripple." Daizi told him, not turning her face away from him, "it made me wonder what things you might have said to or about me, if you were upset with me, and we weren't as close."
 
Xander shifted, uncomfortable, and looked away. "Yeah, I did," he admitted. He felt like he was supposed to say something more, and he felt like he wanted to say more, but he didn't know what to say.
 
"I don't know," Xander admitted. "I don't. I was... I was angry. I guess. I didn't mean to be." He sighed and let his head lean back against the couch. "I was prepared for him to be meaner. Nastier. Sleezier. Anything. So when he was legit nice, I..." He shrugged and fidgeted for several long seconds before finally admitting, "I got scared, and my mouth just said stuff."
 
"You have to work on that." Daizi told him seriously, "I know it is how you have been defending yourself for most of your life, but you need to learn not to react that way, or else you are going to find yourself saying something you can't take back. One day, someone you care about will not forgive you, and I don't want that to happen. But it deeply bothered me you were willing to use an insult like that. And not too long before then, you said those things to your father..."
 
Xander sighed and looked away. Daizi was right. He was sorry for what he said to Tristan, and he didn't want to say things like that, but he wasn't sure how not to. At times, it was like he was a passenger in his own body. Yet... there was something he wasn't going to admit to Daizi. He wasn't sure he did regret what he said to Dark. It was how he felt. It was how saw things. Especially when he thought Dark was currently still practicing certain destructive tendencies, he wanted Dark to know how he thought Dark could potentially see himself. Was it the right thing to say or the right way? No, probably not, but it was honest. How could he be honest about something that serious when he was constantly trying to police what he said? Daizi seemed to have that gift, but he didn't think he ever would.
 
With a quiet sigh, Daizi sat back on the couch, "I'm not angry with you, you know. I just worry about you. And I want so badly for you to be less..." She fought for the right word. Destructive wasn't quite right, although it was true that was. "I want you to not feel the need to be that way, anymore. And if there's a way for me to support you in that, habibi, I hope you'll tell me. Because I want so much for you."
 
"Is this kind of like the aspirations thing for your baby? Only you skipped straight to the moody, volatile teen?" Xander asked idly, still thinking about the Dark thing.
 
Xander lifted himself up enough to look at Daizi straight on for the first time since their talk began. "No one before you really felt that way before," he said honestly. "I think our mum did, in her way, but I didn't know it then. I just... I don't want to let you down. And I know I do. A lot."
 
"That's not true. Dark feels that way too," Daizi replied, setting the pillow down and turning her full body towards him, "And it's not true that you let me down. There are times I wish you had done something differently, but you've been transitioning out of years of fight-or-flight. You may not be able to tell, but there is so much about you which is so much improved from where you were before, but I don't expect you to be able to take off that old way of being as easily as if it were a coat. I've never been truly disappointed in you."
 
Xander wanted to believe he'd never truly disappointed Daizi, but it was hard. He'd spent the first fifteen years of his life as the source of disappointment for so many people, including those he loved. He knew he disappointed his deceased mother. He knew he disappointed Alec sometimes. How could he believe that he'd never disappointed Dark and Daizi? But he wanted to believe that.

"I wish I could take it off like a coat," he muttered. "Then I wouldn't be so stupid when I get stressed. I've been trying to write in the journal, and I guess that helps a little. I just don't like hurting people, but it seems like I'm really good at it."
 
"I wish you could too. But that's not an option granted to any of us, and given that, it just takes consistent effort and a willingness to change." Daizi told him, moving just a bit closer to him, since she couldn't touch him, "And you're writing in your journal. And you decided to go to horse therapy, so... You are willing to change. And you are changing. It's just slow. But that's okay, growing up is slow."
 
Xander reached out and let just his fingertips touch Daizi's arm. He let them linger as he said, "I'm sorry. Thanks for... you know, your patience. In everything." He pulled his hand away and sat back again. "I'll try to be better."
 
"I love you, too, Mama," Xander said quietly. He stood up and stretched. "I'm going to head to my shed. Do you need anything before I go?" He was still lousy at ending conversations or moving on.
 
"No, I'm okay. I'm sure Dark will be in here with Ivy in just a little bit." Daizi said, turning to listen to the sounds in the kitchen for a few moments, "Thank you though. Have fun in your shed.'
 
"M'kay." Xander hesitated a little bit before turning and walking away, hands resting lightly in his pockets. He had some things to think about, but at least it seemed other things were at rest.
 
Like Daizi predicted, not long after Xander went outside, Dark came in with Ivy. He had been trying not to eavesdrop and had been entertaining his baby in the kitchen until the conversation in the living room ended, at which point he checked in with her, and then together they set Ivy on the play mat and and started playing games with her, while Daizi tried not to hyper focus on the conversation she had had with her eldest son.
 
Alec wandered in and paused. He looked between Dark and Daizi curiously. "Why do I feel like I keep walking in on something awkward? Like the tail end of a heavy conversation?"
 
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