How Green Becomes Wood

"That is all I ask." Dark told him, trying not to sound as irritated as he was. He and Daizi were both fairly relaxed parents, and although he knew that teens were always going to push their boundaries, he couldn't help but feel frustrated. Xander was sixteen. He did not get to make the rules, even if he was struggling with his mental health. Especially if he was struggling with his mental health, frankly. "Degen vew? I do not understand."
 
Xander grumbled as he hung up. He looked at the dog, who was sitting still staring at him. "I guess this is what they mean when they say you gotta pay the piper or whatever. I gotta go. See you."

Of course, the dog didn't answer and offered no sympathy to his plight. Xander pushed away from the fence knowing full well he'd gotten himself into this, but he still felt picked on and distrusted. He'd earned that distrust with people, but he was always where he said he'd be when he said he'd be. What was one time of not detailing it out? So not fair. Didn't he have enough to worry about with the shadows of his own mind chasing him?
 
As promised, Dark was waiting downstairs for when Xander got home. This time he wasn't even planning to lecture him, he just needed to know for his own sanity that his child made it home safely. If it made the teen mad at him, he would accept that, but he was allowed to institute boundaries and curfews.
 
Xander got home in eight minutes. He wanted to sit in his van and just think a moment, but he knew Dark would be waiting for him. So, grudgingly, he peeled himself out of the driver's seat, made certain the car was locked, and headed inside, hands stuffed in his pocket. He saw Dark but didn't say anything as he kicked off his shoes and stirred his finger in the salt briefly.
 
Dark looked at Xander for a few moments when he came inside, but then, satisfied, went outside to his shed. Saying anything else seemed unnecessary, at least for now. If they needed to revisit it, he would, but with Xander refusing to talk about anything, he didn't know what else to do but make sure he was home. And now he was. They could try again later.
 
Xander watched Dark go, startled. He was just leaving? Huh. Okay then. It felt strangely anticlimactic and like missing the last step on the stairs at the same time. What was he supposed to do now? He'd been prepped for some kind of lecture or a fight and Dark was just... leaving. He shook his head in annoyance and went up to his room, ignoring Alec as he was trying to sort through the laundry. He tucked himself in the corner and dug out the CD Peter had given him ages ago. He closed his eyes and tried to listen.

I know,
None of my business.
But there's something I need to say,
If you could see you
The way I see you
You'd start flying on your own.
Step aside and . . .
Let your light shine.
Let your love show
It's a short ri-

He hit skip.

People come and
People go
They take and they give
Build you up
Just to let you down
That's just the way it is
All I need is one friend
To get me through-

SKIP

Sittin' here in my problem
What am I gonna do now
Am I gonna make it
Someway, somehow
Maybe I'm not supposed to know
Maybe I'm supposed to cry
And if nobody ever knows
The way I feel, that's all right
That's okay
I'm gonna make my world a better place
I'm gonna keep that smile on my face
I'm gonna teach myself how to understand
I'm gonna make myself a better man-

SKIP SKIP SKIP

I need to talk to you
This might sound strange
And you'll probably think I'm crazy and I've lost my
Mind,
Well, okay
I'm amazing; I'm incredible
I'm a miracle, a dream come true
I'm marvelous; I'm beautiful
Guess what?
So are you.

He took the CD out of the player and snapped it in half. He got up and threw it into the trash can before turing away. This sappy, tacky, junk was so stupid! Then a hint of guilt niggled through. He turned back and fished the pieces out of the trashcan, staring at them with a feeling that he'd truly fallen down the hill and back to where he'd begun. He'd liked this stupid bluesy CD, and Peter had given it to him as a way to help, and in a weird way it had. Now he'd destroyed it. Was this some kind of symbolism for himself? He put the disc back in the trash because there was no saving it now and tossed himself onto his bed. The sound of cars surrounded him, chasing him.
 
Dark worked silently in his shed, diligently trying to make his puzzle box work. It had never stopped giving him trouble, but it was working better now than it had in the past, because he had altered his approach to it. But the entire time he was trying to think about what he could be doing differently to help Xander. There were questions he knew he should ask, but he didn't know what they were. This whole time he had been trying to be gentle, but that hadn't seemed to help. But being harsh wouldn't help, he didn't want Xander to feel punished for struggling--but at the same time, he couldn't not hold him accountable when he snapped at an unrelated person or snuck away without saying a word to anyone. Rules still apply to you, even when you have depression.

Taking a deep breath, he tested the mechanisms on his box. They would try again tomorrow. Tonight they'd cook him dinner, he'd probably not eat it, and they'd treat him with dignity and empathy. And they would try again tomorrow.
 
Xander didn't come out of his room for the rest of the evening, not even for dinner. Alec tried to coax him out, but ended up giving up and going down by himself. He helped Dark out with making dinner, but as cheerfully as he tried to be helpful, he made more of a mess than actually helped out. He was doing his best! And it was a good distraction.
 
When Xander did not come downstairs for dinner, Dark brought a plate up, set it outside their door, and knocked on the door to let him know it was there. Daizi, too, tried to be cheerful, but it was hard. Just like Dark, she was caught up with trying to figure out how to help her other son, but she was even more lost, because she loved him fiercely, but connecting with him wasn't always easy. She'd never stop trying, but when they already had distance between them, when he was like this, it was even more difficult. It'd be easier once she and Dark talked about it and got on the same page, and until then: Ivy was herself. And throwing cereal to the floor. But when everything was a mess, it was nice to know, at least for now, she would remain a happy, loving baby. It made things a bit easier.
 
Alec didn't eat much, but he managed some. Ivy was a beautiful distraction, and he spent a lot of dinner either helping to keep her entertained or cleaning up after her. He delayed as long as he could, cleaning up and putting things away, but eventually, he had to go upstairs. When he did, he found Xander's plate still in front of the door. He took it downstairs, wrapped it up, and put it in the fridge for in case he wanted it later. Then he went to the music room and practiced his keyboard work, keeping the sounds as low as he could.

After a while, Xander let himself out of his room. He went downstairs quietly and slipped out the back door into the garden. It was quiet out here. Peaceful. Full of soothing scents and sounds. It worked for a bit, but soon the noises returned and the whispers of past conversations. He started walking, pacing slowly at first, then faster, more frantically. Why wouldn't the past stay quiet? He tried to shove it down. It didn't matter. Nothing in the past mattered. You couldn't change it. You couldn't do anything about it. Getting chased around like this was stupid! But after two years of being denied, an old, festering wound would no longer be ignored.
 
Not long after dinner, they had to start settling Ivy down for bedtime. It was Dark's night, so when he went upstairs to really start working on getting her to sleep, Daizi stepped outside for her own fresh air. It was a lovely night, the mingling scents from her flowers were carried on the breeze, and she took a deep breath to take it all in. After a few moments, though, she heard distant footsteps walking around the garden. Dark was upstairs, and given the sounds she heard from the piano before going outside, she could guess who it was.

"I missed you at dinner," She said, walking towards the sound.
 
Xander didn't hear the voice. Or if he did, it was just a part of the muddled, unintelligible chaos inside his mind. He kept his eyes down, staring at the grass but not seeing it, his fists tight at his side as he turned again.
 
When Daizi stepped closer, Xander had just turned, bringing them close together. Her voice broke through with a sudden crash. Xander let out a yell of fright and lashed out instinctively. His fist struck her shoulder solidly. Suddenly, he wasn't in a whirlpool of darkness. He was standing in the garden of his home, and he'd just struck his adopted mother. He froze, face ashen.
 
Daizi yelped both from surprise and pain, stumbling backwards from the force. Placing one hand over where she had been hit, she took a few quick steps back, her face colouring with fear. She had thought it was her son in her garden. Now, as her wide, frightened eyes filled with tears she tried to fight back, she had no idea who was there. Or what they might have had with them. Or what they'd do. "I---I'm blind," She forced herself to say, her voice frail and pleading, "I didn't--I couldn't--Just let me go back inside. Please just let me go back inside."

Her hands both trembled as she held them up, fighting back the urge to scream for help and the urge to run, because whoever this person was, she didn't want to make them mad.
 
Xander's tongue tangled in his mouth as a new, agonizing pain filled his chest at the sight of Daizi's face. At first he'd been furious at whoever had startled him. Now he wished to cease exisiting right there. What had he done? He had to fix this! He couldn't fix this. What was he supposed to do? He needed to do something! He tried to force out words. Anything. A strangled squeak emerged first, weak and pathetic. "Mama?" he finally managed.
 
"Xander?" Daizi asked, a few tears spilling down her face when she blinked, and she took a few shallow breaths, putting one hand back over where he had struck, and the other she cupped against her neck, both arms crossed over her chest like she was lying in a coffin. Still shaking, she tried to understand what happened, but none of it made sense in her mind. "I just w-was coming to..." She couldn't finish the sentence. It had just been him. All along it had just been him. But that... It didn't make sense. It didn't make sense! And even if it was just him, and it was just him, that didn't change the fear she had gone through when she thought someone had broken into her garden.
 
He backed away, nearly walking into a flower bed but stopping just in time. "I didn't know!" Xander shouted suddenly. "I didn't know! You were just there, and I reacted, and I didn't know!"
 
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