How Green Becomes Wood

"I am sure she will be glad we are home. I feel bad leaving her behind. I am pleased to have had time with only the two of you again, but I worry for her." Dark said, taking his keys from his pocket as he headed to his car.

~~

Wasn't keeping the kids fed, changed, and not severely injured the bare minimum? It didn't feel gold-medal worthy. "Honestly? I don't know. I really don't. I mean, I--I'm not delusional, I can understand how it would work. I just..." She tipped her head back, "I don't know. I guess I don't want to... need that. My husband is doing great. For a minute it was hard when he was still working, but he figured it out. I feel like every solution I find is just a problem for some other part of me. And I feel so... whiny... about all of it. It's embarrassing. It snuck up on me too quickly to navigate better."
 
"Maybe we should make more effort to get her out more often," Alec said, climbing into the car when they got there. "We should take Daizi out on special days!"

~~

Lex rubbed her chin. "I know what it means to not want to need something, but think of it like this: if it was something like needing to eat an orange, or being allergic to peanuts, you and your family would work with you to try to make it happen, right? This is no different. It's just extra layers." She smiled crookedly. "More or less. Simple in talking about it, not so easy to practice, right? So, take it one day at a time, one step at a time, and accept that it's life. You're going to step in something smelly now and then, but it'll wash off eventually. And you aren't whiny. You're just a mom that's got a special set of circumstances. Whiny would be if you don't have any intent to do anything about it."
 
"I would like that," Dark said, "I would too. And you both should invite her places without me there. It must have been before Ivy was born she went somewhere with you two but not myself. It is not fair to her, I do not think."

~~

Daizi smiled slightly, but she wasn't sure if any of this had actually helped. It just felt like the only way to balance everything was to give up even more of her freedom. Everything required lists and plans and schedules and she was already full up on lists and plans and schedules. From that perspective, she thought maybe she shouldn't be surprised at how much better Dark seemed to be coping now that he wasn't working a paid job. She just really, really, wanted to feel like the person she remembered being. She was just so, d**n, tired. It was like that incident with Xander had shaken one thing loose, and now everything else was falling down after it, and she didn't want to be the person who needed fixing. Being the person people felt a pressure was one of the absolute worst feelings in her life, and paradoxically, she wanted someone to tell her the answer. Yet every answer she got just made her want to scream about how they didn't get it.

Ivy was watching her mother carefully as she sat in her lap, and seeing the expression on her face, tugged at Daizi's shirt, squeaking and babbling up at her. Even with everything on her mind, and even behind a pair of sunglasses, Daizi's face softened considerably at the noise. "What is it, Hummingbird?" She asked, standing Ivy upright on her feet, "Are you missing your toys?" She took a deep breath, hugged her baby tightly, and then said, "I was doing alright for awhile there. I know I will again. Probably around the time this bruise heals. There are just so many expectations. It's exhausting."
 
"It's easier for you two to go alone since you two can drive," Alec pointed out.

"You could get a cab, or I can drop you off," Xander replied.

~~

"Then take a break," Lex said simply. "You of all people have earned it. Maybe all my advice is crock. Maybe no one's advice really helps. Maybe it's all just more junk you don't want to deal with. So don't. Take a break. Get the kids and the husband set up for a few hours without you and go do something relaxing just you and let yourself rest." She stood up from her chair and sat closer to Daizi. "The one thing I know for certain: You'll be alright. Like you said, it'll heal like your bruise."
 
Dark looked firmly at both boys, "I am not talking about splitting off in pairs. It cannot always be myself and Xander and Alec and Daizi. Nor should it be. If the three of us can go to a skate park together, there is something the three of you can do. I can stay home with Ivy."

~~

Ivy held as tightly as she could to her Mama, babbling cheerfully as she stood, with help, on her lap. The love this tiny person had for Daizi was immense and anyone could see it, and it made it all so much harder. Daizi couldn't even think of anything to say back to Lex; her face felt hot and her throat tight. "I guess I thought it'd be simpler."
 
"I didn't mean every time, just that it's a lot harder if it's just me and Mama ever," Alec explained, frowning at Dark's stern reaction. "Of course, we're going to mix it up and not always do the same thing with the same people." What brought on that? It seemed too harsh.

~~

Lex glanced at Ivy. "Parenthood? Ah. It sounds simple, doesn't it? But it never is. It's always a lot more complicated than we'd like, but sometimes we get more than we ever could have hoped for. The love of a child is something else, isn't it?"
 
Dark paused for a moment and then said, "I apologize for misunderstanding you. To me, because you had not addressed doing something the three of you, it sounded as if you were dismissing the idea off-handedly, rather than bringing up a different situation. In the case of yourself and her: there are rideshares, taxis, and the new service Peter began. There are many options."

~~

"That... but also ignoring all of the external judgement," Daizi corrected, rubbing Ivy's back, "But... I don't think anybody has ever loved me in the way she loves me. That's uncomplicated, even if nothing else is."
 
"Oh yes! That thing Peter started! I'd forgotten about that," Alec said eagerly. "We could totally do that!"

~~

Lex smiled at the pair. "That child is utterly infatuated with you, Daizi. It's a beautiful sight. Your boys love you, too, and they trust you. That's impressive with a teen to see them look at a parent and be able to see they trust the parent. Daizi, just remember, there's no one right way to do anything, meaning you are going to find what works for you and your family, and you are going to mess up sometimes. That's okay. Your love for your children, all of them, is going to help you make it right whatever wrong you do."
 
"You have many options." Dark replied simply, accepting it was more important they make Daizi feel included than it was to plan anything specifically. Still, it did feel important to him it not only be Alec to do things with her.

~~

"People made fun of Dark and I for holding her during her naps rather than setting her down immediately, but it made her feel so safe. She'd wake up and know exactly where she was. The twins made fun of Dark for being obsessed for a long time, really until he couldn't deal with it anymore, and I'm sure they think the same things about me, but we want her to be secure. It's not like we don't set her down, Dark and I leave the house without her, and we set her down to play while we do other tasks. We're not crazy." Daizi sighed, taking Ivy's little hands in her own, "I try my best not to care what people think about me. But I don't want it to fall back on them."
 
Alec nodded happily. "A whole world is out there waiting for us! We just have to go grab it!"

~~

Lex nodded. "It's hard not to care, and I guess we do have to care a little bit what others think, but not so much it runs our lives. You should hold her as much as you want as long as she's still allowed enough space to develop, which obviously she has, so you're more than good there. Is it possible that the boys maybe fun because they didn't know how else to handle unknown emotions? Not saying it excuses them, but it helps to know where someone's coming from if you gotta correct them."
 
Dark nodded in agreement with his son, but glanced at Xander, curious as to why he hadn't expressed much of an opinion about spending time with his mother.


~~

"I'm not sure. It's not really something I've tried to get to the bottom of when it can be really upsetting to hear. We had--" Daizi stopped herself, deciding she didn't know Lex anywhere near well enough to get into her history with infertility, and how that affected her attachment to her daughter. She wasn't ashamed of it, but it only belonged to her and Dark. "There are some things we just need to do. I think Dark has spoken about it with them more. And, apparently, Cooger once did, which didn't go over well, from what I heard."
 
Xander hadn't said much because he was listening and thinking. He still didn't think he and Daizi had much in common, but maybe he could try to do something with her that she liked and he could tolerate? They'd both liked the parasailing thing, but he didn't imagine that would be easy to do again considering where they lived. Rollercoasters and things like that were similar, but those came with fairs, and that was a family thing. Still, maybe there was something he could find. Maybe he'd look. For now, though, Alec was excited about the prospect, so maybe he could get some ideas just by listening.

~~

Lex winced. "Ouch. I'm sorry to hear that. That's really rough." She sighed and leaned back. "I'm not good at trying to find out what's wrong with Toby. I always turn it into an interrogation even when I know good and well that's not the right approach. What if... well, when he was really young, a therapist told us both to keep a feelings jar for the day. I think it was supposed to be more for him than me, but we were both supposed to write down what we were feeling and why throughout the day and then read them over in the evening and talk about it. I dunno if that's something that would even remotely work, but maybe it'd give them and you a daily outlet for feelings? It's a thought." It was the most hesitant Lex had ever sounded as she tried to give a bit of help while also attempting not to cross any boundaries.
 
"I don't like Alec and Xander feeling responsible for me," Daizi replied with a shrug, "People always feel responsible for me, they treat me like I'm fragile, and even though I know they don't think of me like that, I always worry about sharing too much or making them... I grew up feeling like it was my job to manage my father's emotions. I know what that's like. Xander is already someone who wants to protect the people who cares about, and I think Alec is very anxious about me too, and with my own differences... It feels precarious."
 
"I can't say I've run into that problem, but I can imagine it's ridiculously annoying to be treated like a... a hot house flower," Lex mused. "But at the same time that they aren't responsible for managing your feelings and emotions, aren't you not responsible for theirs? I mean, as parents we do our best to try to guide and teach and stuff, but at the end of the day, the best you can do is try to show that you aren't some orchid and they are going to have to learn to deal with it. You can only reassure so much and so long before you start screaming."
 
"I worry about them looking back on this time and feeling I put too much responsibility onto them." Daizi replied, and then after a few moments of fiddling with Ivy said, "I didn't have a mom growing up. It makes things a lot harder to figure out, especially because we didn't really have... time to plan."
 
"I guess the real question is, are you putting responsibility onto them, or are they taking it upon themselves?" Lex asked. "Having a good mom helps, it gives you a guideline, but at the end of the day, you aren't your mom, and your kid is a completely different person. It's rough, but it helps to want the kids."
 
That was a question Daizi had never really considered before, and she sat back slightly to think it through. It wasn't something she had an answer to, but it was something to think about. "I hope one day some of my friends will have children after me so I don't feel like I don't have so much to get caught up on."
 
Lex chuckled at that. "I'm afraid you can't look to your neighbor for that one, but I bet at least one of your friends will grant your wish! Especially seeing little Ivy here. She's a pretty good argument, aren't you, cutie?"
 
"I think she is," Daizi couldn't help but grin, " She's also a good argument for not having any more, though, because nobody can hope for a cuter baby." Ivy turned and babbled up at her, grinning. "Two of my friends are getting married in September, so we'll see what happens there. But, well. I'm sorry I came in here and dumped all of my problems on you. It wasn't my plan."
 
"That's alright. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who doesn't have a horse in the race," Lex assured her. "Besides, I got to see a cute baby without worrying about changing diapers, so that's a bonus for me!"
 
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