How Green Becomes Wood

Alec heaved a sigh. "I wanted to, but it never seemed the right time, and I was trying to be supportive before I 'told him he was was doing it wrong,' or however he puts it."
 
"Habibi..." Daizi said gently, sitting like she often did with her legs tucked beneath her, "If you don't tell someone they're hurting you, they don't know to change their behavior. You said you aren't a mind reader, but... nobody is."
 
"But it's impossible to tell him anything!" Alec blurted in frustration. "Unless you are agreeing with him that something is horrible and validating his feelings, all he does is shut down and say how nothing he ever does is good enough! Or that this is why he doesn't make friends! Or that no one ever really understands! No one listens! How are we supposed to listen when he doesn't talk, or when he does talk it is always something downer? Always! Or at least it leads there. And then he gets upset at himself for being a downer. I'm all for listening, and I have listened to him! I sat with him in that stupid closet that one time and talked to him other times and helped him out with his Xander friendship troubles, but nothing I ever do is good enough, either. It's exhausting because it feels like no matter what I do, it's going to end up frustrating him, and that's frustrating to me, and we get nowhere ever! Can't have a serious conversation with him. Can't have a fun conversation with him. I'm just... so tired."
 
Dark and Daizi sat in related but not identical silence. Dark wanted to tell Alec that he should just stop hanging out with Milo, then, if he didn't like Milo. Daizi wanted to point out that he should have just said, 'Milo, you are hurting my feelings.' They both wanted to remind Alec people were complicated, and not everybody has access to the same support system.

Finally, Dark asked, "When you try to talk to him, when you try to tell him anything, do you tell him about your feelings?"
 
"I never get that far lately because Xander keeps interrupting me or stopping me from saying anything at all," Alec sighed, rubbing both hands over his face. "Milo's Xander's friend. Always has been, always will be, and it was dumb of me to try to butt in. It's my fault. All of this. Milo is oblivious and causing pain, but so am I. And I didn't want to not hang out with him because that was one of the first things he said, how people leave eventually after they get to know him. I wanted to prove him wrong. It was stupid. So stupid. And then I got stuck, and Xander wants to protect him, and I'm just... a third wheel."
 
"You could always text Milo," Daizi offered softly, "and you could tell him how you feel without anyone else being there to hear it or shut you down. You'll also be able to really think through what you want to say, so you can be certain you're not saying anything that you'll regret." It would've been helpful if Alec had brought this to them before screaming at another student and walking straight out of the school, but she wasn't going to mention that, "You don't have to make up and choose to be friends with him, even after talking it out: You have friends Xander is not close to, who he does not really talk to but you do. It's okay if he does too."

As Dark sat, watching Alec, he wondered if he knew what Milo had done immediately following the fight, and wondered how, or if, it would change things, if he knew. But he didn't feel like it was his place to share it. Instead he told Alec, "It is not all your fault. And it is not stupid to try to show someone dealing with such severe mental health problems you want to stick around for them. He could have been a better friend, too, but you are both learning to do this for the first time."
 
"I just thought... think... that Milo is cool. And that he's in a lot of pain, and some of it is self-imposed. I just wanted him to see that the world doesn't have to be awful. Instead, I made it more awful," Alec said, wilting. "And I just... I couldn't take it anymore. I'm okay with not being friends with Xander's friends, I really, really am, I just didn't want to prove Milo right by saying we don't vibe. And if he wanted to stay miserable, I don't like it, but that's his choice, but why does he have to hurt Xander while he's at it? And why does Xander just sit there and take it? Why won't he say anything? I can see when stuff Milo says hurts him, but he won't say anything, and he won't let me say anything. And it just... it all built up, and I thought I was doing okay handling it, but then I was having a bad day yesterday and couldn't take one more thing." Alec hunched over and hugged himself. "I wanted to try to be supportive to Milo before I told him how I felt so that maybe, maybe, Milo wouldn't think of me as always picking on him or telling him he's doing things wrong, but I didn't... I didn't have time. Before I just... exploded."
 
At first, both adults were ready to ask questions about how Milo was hurting Xander, but as Alec continued, something else caught their attention. Sitting forward in his seat, Dark asked, in a soft, kind voice, "Alec... Is Milo still alive? Because if he is... there is still time to explain yourself. Later than you perhaps should have done, but it is not impossible to do so now. That is the reason people continue to live, so they can keep working towards a resolution."
 
Alec bit his lip but nodded as he made himself sit up more. "I should at least try. I don't think he'll ever want to even attempt friendship with me, and I don't blame him, but I should at least try to say sorry. Maybe explain. But mostly say sorry."
 
"Leave it up to him how he wants to react," Daizi advised him, "Know what you want out of the conversation, and stick to it: if you do not want to be his friend, and he wants to be your friend, do not let him pressure you into maintaining that level of relationship, but just focus on what you need to say."
 
"I don't know if I want to be friends or not," Alec confessed. "I'm not sure we're good for each other, but... I guess I can see how that goes. Do you think a text apology is really okay? Or should it be face to face?"
 
"What I would do is text him that you are sorry and ask if he is able to meet in person to speak fact to face." Daizi advised, "that way you are not cornering him in the hallway at school, and if he does not want to have a fully conversation, you still apologized, even if it may not have been to the full extent of what you would have said in person."

At his grandparents house, Milo lay alone in is dark room. The curtains were drawn shut, and both his grandmother and grandfather had still gone to work, so he was lying home alone, going over all of yesterday's events over and over in his head, and, when feeling particularly spicy, to the events of the past week, and the past year. Again, and again, and again. The birds were chirping. He had let them out of his cage, and one was standing on his shoulder as he lay still in bed. They were chaotic little creatures. But he kept hearing the way Alec spoke about them yesterday, the pair of birds. And he thought about when he was upset about the fact they'd die. And his conversation with Xander in the closet. Reaching over, he grabbed his phone, and with one hand texted Alec, The birds are the best part of living with my grandparents. Like. The best part of living in their house. Not the best part of being in this town. Just their house, specifically.
 
Alec took a deep breath and nodded. "I'll do that," he agreed. "I'll text him today. So I don't have time to let myself chicken out of it." He rubbed his face again. "I just... I know I wasn't supposed to leave school. I know I should have at least contacted you. I know I could have done a lot better. Staying felt... I thought I was going to scream and keep screaming and never stop. I didn't call you because... because I didn't want to face it yet. What had just happened."
 
"You are always allowed to tell us you do not want to talk about it yet," Dark reminded him, "the more you act out, and the more you try to push us away, the more we are going to worry and try to figure out what went wrong. And if it helps to make sure we do not have a repeat of yesterday, we could--" he gestured to nothing, "Set up a... codeword, or something, so if it is really a situation you do not want to talk about it, you can say it, and your mother and I will agree to drop it until you are ready."
 
"Whatever word you prefer," Dark told him, "but probably one we do not use regularly."

"I believe you can do the work to make sure it doesn't." Daizi told her son, "and we do forgive you--" she paused for a moment until Dark expressed his agreement, "We just... It is difficult for us when we get the call and you are not where you are meant to be. We are glad you had someone you trust come and get you, rather than just keep walking, but... until you did, anything could have happened to you, and we wouldn't have known where to look. That's why we're serious about it."
 
Alec opened his eyes and looked between Dark and Daizi. Then, out of nowhere, he started crying. "Sorry," he sniffled. "It's just... just... I can't believe it sometimes. I see it right here in front of my face and you prove it over and over, but even after almost two years, I just think... 'How can this be?' How can it be possible that someone... someone actually worries and cares and misses me and needs to know where I am?"
 
As soon as he began to cry, Daizi sat beside him, putting one of her arms around him, "I know, baby. I know it is such a difficult, difficult thing to learn. But we do worry about you, and we do care about you, and that is never going to change."
 
Alec leaned into her, trying and failing to get himself to stop crying. "We were loved, but no one looked for us, ever. No one checked up on us as long as we showed up for dinner. I keep thinking I'll wake up and all of this was a dream. That your love didn't happen. Or maybe I'll mess up so badly you won't forgive me. I know in my head that all of that isn't true, but sometimes my heart just gets so scared! I never want to lose you. I never want to lose love!"
 
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