How Green Becomes Wood

"Does it really matter?" Xander demanded. "I'm dealing. I haven't punched anything or anyone. I haven't walked off. I haven't said anything mean to anyone. I haven't hurt anyone. For once, I haven't done anything, so why am I in trouble?"

~~

Alec shrugged. "What is, is. What will be, will be. I'm not happy, but I guess I'll be okay."
 
"You are not in trouble, Xander." Daizi replied, her voice as calm as it was when she first asked to speak with him, "But I think what you are doing is unhealthy. And I think it is negatively affecting more people than you realize. I am not asking you to forgive Alec, I'm not asking you to stop being upset with him, and I'm not going to force you to stop sleeping on the couch at night. But relying on the silent treatment is only going to make things worse."

~~

Dark sighed, looking sadly at his son. "Do you need a hug, Alec? I will put Ivy down."
 
Xander leaned back and crossed his arms. "It feels like I'm in trouble," he grumbled. "Then what do you suggest? Because I don't want anything to do with him. If I talk to him, then I will do the things listed above, so maybe this is the right choice."

~~

Alec hesitated but shook his head. "Ivy needs you more right now. She's not used to having to really share your attention and, well, existence yet. I am doing okay. I'll wait."
 
"Why are you so upset with him?" Daizi asked, her tone as even as ever, "I know about the fight. But why specifically did it upset you to this degree?"

~~

Dark furrowed his heavy eyebrows, "She needs to learn to share. I will set her down, she will survive it."
 
Xander looked away, jaw clenched. "I don't want to talk about it," he stated. "It's not... No. I don't want to go there."

~~

"Well... alright," Alec said, reluctant to make Ivy upset but also really wanting a hug. He stepped forward and opened his arms for a hug, not rushing Dark.
 
"Xander," Daizi sighed, "I love you, but I am worried for you."

~~

Dark set Ivy down on the floor, and she was confused, but so rarely set down on this part of the house, her curiosity got the better of her. Then, Dark wrapped Alec up in the tightest bear hug he could manage without hurting him.
 
"I'm fine!" Xander insisted. "I've got everything buttoned up. I'll deal. Just not with him. Not now." Maybe not ever.

~~

Alec sighed and leaned into Dark, practically nestling into him. "Sorry I'm sorry I'm so needy. But thank you for always being there. Always."
 
Daizi exhaled a slow and controlled breath. "Isn't being 'buttoned up' what got us into this?" She paused, leaning forwards, "At some point you are going to have to deal with him. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's the truth. He's your brother. He's your identical twin. At some point you are going to have to reckon with it."

~~

"You are not needy," Dark replied, placing one hand on the back of his head, ready to hold him until he pulled away first.
 
Xander shook his head. "Blood doesn't mean much when someone can be an a**hat with no consequences," he said flatly. "I'm not interested in fixing things. I am not interested."

~~

Alec squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his face into his father's chest. He hadn't realized how much he needed to hear those words. "Thank you, Ba," he whispered.
 
"And you think it is your job to punish him?" Daizi replied, "How many times do you think you got away with being an 'a**hat' without facing consequences? In your own opinion. I do not think you are one but surely everyone can act as one in their time. We can agree on that."

~~

"You are welcome," Dark replied, shifting his weight from side to side to sway with Alec, keeping him pulled in tightly.
 
"I'm not punishing him, I'm not dealing with him," Xander snapped. "If he finds it a punishment, whatever. Not my problem. He's not my problem. And I'm not interested in talking about it beyond that."

~~

Alec held on for a while longer before finally letting go. "Thanks," he said again, rubbing his face lightly. "I guess I needed that more than I thought. Um, where's Ivy?"
 
Daizi didn't flinch, and instead continued to speak in her calm tone, "Do you know how much I wish I could speak to my brother again?"

~~

Letting go of Alec, Dark stepped back, swearing underneath his breath as he realized Ivy had crawled out of eyesight. Even though he was fairly certain most of the upstairs doors were closed, and everything was baby proofed anyway, he was still full of dread.

"Ivy-Qadira," He called, hoping to hear her little jingle, as he stepped into the hall where he presumed she had gone, "Where are you, my sweet girl?"
 
"That's low," Xander said flatly. "Seriously? That's where you're going with this?"

~~

Alec turned to look in his room first, also listening for the bells. "Ivy! Where'd you go?"
 
"It's not. It's honest. This is what I know about what happened: Alec lost his temper and yelled at your most fragile friend. He left school, you went to comfort your friend who was taking it badly, to put it mildly. I understand being angry with Alec over that. I've never claimed you shouldn't be angry with him. What I don't understand is why that instant made you decide: That's it. I don't want anything to do with my brother anymore. I am never going to talk to him again, I'm done with him."

Leaning forwards, Daizi rested her arms on her legs, "You don't want to talk about it, that's fine, but it means I can only go off of what I know. Maybe I'm missing something, maybe he said something truly vile, something that would make me want to cut him out too. But with the information I know..." She sighed, pushing her hair back, "Xander, habibi, I love you, but you're cutting him out over something you've done many times over. And I don't know if you recognize how long life is. He yelled at his friend and you decided you want nothing to do with him. Now our home feels humid with the tension, and it's already starting to boil over. Have the fight. Dark and I can be there to mediate if you are afraid of saying something you can't take back. Because living the rest of your life never speaking to someone you loved with your whole heart is much, much more difficult and painful than you realize. I don't want you to feel like I'm attacking you, because you really aren't in trouble, but I'm worried about you now, and I'm worried about you in the future. Passive aggression is still aggression and I can see this unraveling and only hurting you more."

~~

Dark went down the hallway, a growing source of anxiety coming over him. He had lost his baby. He set her down and she vanished. What if she had managed to get into one of the rooms? What if a door hadn't been closed properly? What if she found something she shouldn't have found? Already, he was imagining calling an ambulance for her and having to tell his wife what he had done. Miraculously, he managed to keep his voice completely calm as he called for her in a baby voice. To his absolute distress, not only was he not hearing her, he saw the music room door was slightly open.
 
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Xander took a few deep breaths. His stomach twisted in so many knots he felt sick, but he was determined not to completely lose it to his mother. No matter how much she was bashing his buttons right now, he wasn't going to do that again. He was better. He was determined to prove that. But it was hard! For the first time, he wasn't the one lashing out, and, apparently, he was still doing it wrong!

"I'm not fighting. I'm not arguing. I'm not being mediated. I'm not doing any of it. You keep saying I'm allowed to be angry, but all I'm hearing is you telling me to fix it so I'm not angry anymore," he said, his voice shaking with tension. "I am doing the best I can with what I got. It is not my fault that everyone else feels like tightrope walkers. It's his. If he can't deal with consequences, that's his fault. Not mine. I'm not responsible for him anymore, and that includes how he feels. Why can't you accept that I don't want to deal with it and leave me alone? Why won't you accept that I don't want to talk about it? It's like you want me to yell at you because you won't drop it."

~~

"Did you find her?" Alec asked, coming out into the hallway.
 
Daizi sighed, her shoulders slumping slightly, "I don't want you to yell at me. And I don't want you to feel like you can't be angry, but--Not dealing with it isn't an option, habibi. I know you want it to be, but even if it is not today, or tomorrow, or next week, one day you will need to deal with it. Even if it is twenty years from now, eventually you need to deal with it. It's not healthy not to. It's like holding a piece of glass in your hand, even though it's cutting your palm. You aren't ready to put it down yet, okay, I get that, but it's just going to keep slicing your hand up until you finally do. I'm not talking about him, or what he needs, or wants, and I'm not talking about this home, but I'm worried for you. The cut is going to start bleeding."

~~

Dark passed one hand over his face, "No. I do not know how she is being this quiet. She is never this quiet. The music room door was open but she is not in there. The gate is shut, she could not have gone downstairs."
 
"Well, in your words, I'm not putting it down yet, and I'm not going to stop being angry just like that, so what do you suggest?" Xander demanded caustically, wishing he'd not let her in.

~~

Alec frowned, looking up and down the hall. "Then, logically, she has to be up here in either the music room or my room unless any other doors are open." He turned and walked back to his room. "I'll look in here again."
 
"I don't want you to stop being angry," Daizi repeated, her expression shadowed in worry, "I just worry... This can't last forever, Xander. And I'm scared of what will happen when it breaks. I'm scared for you."

~~

Attempt to quash the image of his wife murdering him for losing their child, Dark agreed, "I will go into the other rooms. Maybe she managed to lock herself in something."

Shortly after Alec returned to his bedroom, there was a very faint sound of a jingle.
 
"It's been like three days. That's hardly forever," Xander pointed out. "I'm fine."

~~

Alec paused and looked around in confussion. Jingles! But where? He looked more closely in all the corners before getting down on the floor and looking under the bed.
 
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