How Green Becomes Wood

"I don't really care for beauty standards, I've never been able to experience them from the outside. And I don't think that beauty is evil, Dark is, so I'm told, a beautiful man, and he's my best friend, I love him more than I've ever been able to express in words, in any language. He's got my whole heart in his hands. I think beauty and morality should be entirely seperate." She shrugged her shoulders, and inched closer to her husband, "and I think it's more valid for me to want you to respect how I choose to exist in this world than it is for you to try to get me to completely reorient the way I think of myself."

"I've walked in this world for over three decades, and I think it's important you understand that my body has consistently failed me. My eyes don't work, my uterus doesn't work, and my face is weird. And I've had to bear my burdens on each of those fronts, and come to terms with each, and I have done. My disability doesn't bother me, most of the time, and my face, well... Like I said, I don't have to see it. And it's freeing, I get to just be a person. If I had my way, I'd have no body at all, I'd much rather be a cloud of vapor. Or, I suppose I'd rather be a cloud of vapor that could take on a physical shape, when the mood struck. Why is it so important to you that you convince me to accept what you see as beauty? Why can't you just accept me as I am?"

Underneath the table, her hand had been on Dark's thigh, not doing anything untoward, but nonetheless there. And he asked, after she had finished speaking, "Do you ever try to convince the beautiful that they are in fact ugly? And, for what it is worth, when it is said people find symmetry beautiful, it specifically refers to faces, and also I believe attractiveness and beauty are also separate." He did find it a bit strange this fourteen year old kid was adamantly fighting to call his wife beautiful and even attractive. At a few points in the boy's monolog, he thought to himself that, were Alec an adult they met at, say, a bar, he probably would've told him to back off. But, Dark also couldn't remember if he had ever heard Alec talk so much, so he didn't want to shame him into silence.
 
"Lots of people have pointed out exactly how ugly beautiful people can be," Alec said almost quietly. "It happens all the time, just as attractiveness and beauty can be separate, they can also be the same. You keep saying that I should accept you as you are, Daizi, but you can't seem to understand that I am accepting you as you are. You are the one who refuses to accept my acceptance of yourself unless it fits neatly in your box, which is kind of ironic considering how boxless you try to live your life. I'm not sure why. I can guess, but I don't have enough experience to fully understand. I'm old enough to at least understand that some things you really do have to wait until you're older to understand. If I were to guess, and I have, I think that all this is tied to one thing: you're punishing yourself, Daizi, and by refusing to allow others to see you as anything other than what you see yourself as is your way of doing it. I don't know why, and I'd guess even if I did know, I wouldn't understand it. I don't understand why you insist on punishing yourself, and I don't understand why you can't accept the way other people see you. I can't see you with anything other than my own eyes, and my own eyes say you are like a dark, ethereal beauty, and I can't lie to myself just because it'll make you feel better."
 
"Punishing myself..." Daizi repeated, and beneath the table the unknowingly dug her fingernails into her husband's flesh, "which of course suggests that feeling confident and choosing a label society says is bad is inherently a Punishing act. I think it's an act of strength. You're not a woman, or at least you do not live as one, so you cannot understand the pressure women face to be beautiful. Above all other things, we must be beautiful, we must be attractive. We can't simply be. But I've rejected society's demand for feminine perfection, I create my own. You may keep beauty, thank you, I'll align myself with the likes of Medusa." She stretched, and stood, "But I'm weary of debating the validity of my face. I'm going to go feed my dog, in the meanwhile, why don't you try to convince Dark he's actually ugly," She was about to leave the room, thinking about how this kid seemed utterly unable to believe that she was not self-flagellating when she called herself ugly, she genuinely liked and found strength in the term. To her, she had reclaimed it, and it meant more than beauty ever could, because if she was already breaking the rules, she was free to live her life as she pleased without pressure to attain the unattainable. But then she started thinking about all the things Dark had said, so as she stood in the doorway, she turned and said, "Dark, darling, I think after Enkidu is fed, I'm going to take a bath."

"Okay," Dark replied, turning back to see her, and fully understood her subtext. After she left, he said, "I do not know if you are someone who has interests in forming romantic relationships, it is fine if you are not, but if you are, it is generally better to not tell them they are incorrect, and in fact punishing themselves, over something they view as part of their identity. At the end of the day, it does not matter if you think she is beautiful, she does not like the word when applied to herself."
 
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"At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what I think because neither of you are listening to me and hearing what I am actually saying," Alec stated, an uncharacteristic edge to his voice. "And you are wrong to-"

"Okay! That's it, no more," Xander declared, finally stepping in. He waved his hands at Dark and Alec both to stop any further words. "Both of you. Nope."

"I'm not finished!" Alec protested.

"Yes, you are," Xander said firmly. "You are being really weird and downright creepy, so I am putting you to bed."

"I am not being creepy," Alec protested.

Xander walked over, stooped, and scooped Alec up onto one shoulder with the ease of practice despite Alec's protests. "Good night, Professor, see you in the morning," Xander said in a tone of finality before carrying his brother out of the room, still protesting.

"I am not being creepy! How am I being creepy?" Alec wheezed from his position draped over Xander's shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

"Dude, you are trying to force a married lady twice your age to admit that she's pretty in front of her husband!" Xander stated. "How is that not creepy?"

"I meant objectively from my point of view!"

"I may not have the highest grades in English class, but even I know that statement is an ox-moron."

"An oxymoron!"

"Close enough." Xander let them into their room and flipped Alec down on his bed. Then he closed the door, locked it, and used his foot to shove the rubber doorstopper in place. It was more out of habit now than any desire to keep people out. "What's going on? Why are you picking a fight with the people who just barely agreed to shell out a bunch of legal fees and foster us, huh? What's going on with your head?"

Alec sat up on the bed and hunched over, hugging his legs. He didn't look at Xander, his eyes fixed instead on the bedspread. "She... she makes me feel... threatened."

Xander threw up his hands in exasperation. "You could have mentioned that before we said yes to staying!" Then he frowned at his brother. "What do you mean she makes you feel threatened? Did something happen that I don't know about?"

Alec shook his head. "No, nothing like that. It's that, I just... she makes me feel like I could relax, like I could be safe, but I'm not ready for that! I don't trust them yet, but she makes me feel like I could. It has to be some kind of trick, but I'm positive it's not."

"Oh." Xander sighed and ran a hand through his short, badly cut red hair. "So you don't like her, that's the problem?"

"No, the problem is that I like her too much, and I kind of want her to like me."

Xander froze and looked sideways at his brother. "Uh... like her?"

"Yes." Alec glanced at Xander and caught his look. His own expression turned to one of utter revolution. "What? Ew! No! Not like that! Gross! No, I mean just regular like, sicko!"

"Hey, I wasn't the one trying to go all philosophical about beauty," Xander snorted. He plopped down on the edge of the bed. "What was with that, anyway? I can't remember I saw you actually go head-to-head with someone like that. That's my job."

Alec sighed. "I just... I don't know. I still firmly believe she is lying to herself as a coping method and the professor is letting her out of respect and love."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Xander asked uncertainly.

"Lying is never a good thing," Alec said firmly. Then he shook his head. "The thing is, she's so adamant she doesn't have labels, that she's embraced different things, but she has labeled herself as ugly, and in defense of that, she's changing the definitions! Ugly doesn't mean bad, it just means unappealing, which isn't bad. Onions are unappealing when you chop them, but that's not bad. Beauty doesn't mean good, it means finding something appealing! It's like saying because you don't like onions, no one else is allowed to like onions either. Refusing to allow other people to call you beautiful no matter how you see yourself is self-sabotaging and selfish."

"And where is your degree that you diagnose that so emphatically, doctor?" Xander asked mildly.

Alec hesitated and looked at him in confusion. "What?"

"Just saying you seem awfully sure of yourself for someone who's known her a grand total of three weeks," Xander pointed out. "You're usually pretty good at figuring people out, I'll give you that, but you're only fourteen, you've known her less than a month, and she has a perfectly decent husband who seems to actually pay attention to what she wants. D'ya think you might be going on a bit extreme?"

Alec returned his gaze to the bed. "Maybe. But no one deserves to feel unpretty with themselves, no matter what other people think," he said softly. "It's lonely."

"Well, like you said, Professor sees her as being pretty in his own way, even if they don't like using the words for it," Xander pointed out. "Obviously he finds her attractive or else we wouldn't have found them sneaking around the house. It was worse than high school locker rooms. Can't that be enough? At least for now? To know someone else sees her like how you want them to? Or at least close enough."

Alec nodded slowly. "I guess so."

"Besides, it's not our problem to solve, anyway, so I don't know why you're so insistent about trying to solve it," Xander shrugged.

"Because no one likes to see things not how they want to see them, and if she doesn't feel totally relaxed around us and doesn't like us too much, then it won't hurt her when we leave," Alec said, his voice even softer.

Xander looked at him for a moment. "Well, that's not going to be for a while yet, and aren't you the one who says we should enjoy the moment while we have it." He smiled and pulled Alec in for a hug. "It's going to be okay. I promise. We'll just take this one day at a time and let the professor and his witch solve their own problems."

Alec burrowed into his brother's arms, seeking safety. "Okay," he agreed. "I'll say sorry in the morning."
 
Dark let them go without much complaint. The conversation was strange anyway. Although he was proud that Alec seemed to have found his voice and was prepared to battle over his beliefs, Dark did wish an aspect of his wife's identity wasn't his hill. He didn't know what Alec was going to say he was wrong for, but he did not particularly care. If he was honest, despite what he had said, sure, he thought she was beautiful, but it didn't matter, because she didn't like being called that, and since she had to live with it all, every kind and cruel statement ever said about her she was the one who had to bear it, he would say what she found to be a lighter burden. But also, when it came down to it, when he reflected on why he thought she was beautiful, it had nothing to do with her face, and he knew that when she called herself ugly, it had everything to do with her face, so ultimately, at least in his view, Alec and Daizi were having a different argument from one another.

He scratched the back of his neck, finished his glass of wine, took a few moments to look at their wedding portrait hung on the dining room wall, and then brought the dishes into the kitchen, since everyone else had left in a hurry.

"That was weird," He said. Daizi was sitting on the counter while their dog munched his dinner, "Are you okay?"

"Me? Sure, it's been a strange day, but... You know, if some kid wants to fight me for the sake of my own honour, let him. I've had worse," She shrugged, slightly swinging her legs, and then a slow smile spread over her face as she gestured her man to come closer, "and anyway, it was worth it to hear you defend me like that."

"Yeah?" He came closer as beckoned, and she draped her arms over his shoulders as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

"Mmhm..." She exhaled, "I could listen to listing all the ways I'm better than beautiful all day."

"Really?"

"Or all night." She grinned as he leaned in to kiss her, safe in the assurance both twins had gone upstairs. It was only when Enkidu whined at their feet to alert them that he had, in fact, finished eating and was, indeed, ready for his walk that they broke away.

Dark stared down at his dog and dryly said, "there is always something," as Daizi lightly hopped off the counter.

"Go walk him," she said, "I'll be upstairs, we still need to celebrate my invitation to that conference."

"I love you," Dark said, and he smiled--really smiled, as he went to fetch his coat. The knowledge she would be upstairs in their private bathroom, drawing a warm bath, was the only thing giving him the strength to venture out into the cold January night, and she knew it.


"I love you too." And it really felt, even with the millions of events that transpired that day, that everything would turn out just fine.
 
The twins got up early the next morning, managing to get up before Dark or Daizi - a feat that they hadn't thought themselves capable of. They started fussing about in the kitchen, hunting through cupboards and the fridge as they laid out bread, eggs, flour, and half of the spices in the spice rack [or drawer?]. Gradually, the chaos spread across the majority of the counters while something resembled French toast, eggs, and sausage. Xander took charge of the eggs and sausage, his hair ruffled and the apron on inside out. Alec, meanwhile, with his lower lip held firmly between his lip, tried to figure out how to turn sloppy, egg-soaked bread into fried crispness and deliciousness, preferably without the pieces of egg shell.

For the first time since he'd arrived, Alec had chosen to dress in what other people would consider to be "Proper" attire with a long-sleeved black shirt, black pants, and a clip-on black bowtie. Even his white socks matched, though hidden by the pant legs one was only ankle high and the other calf high. He'd done his best to tame his red hair as it hung about his face in uneven strands.
 
Daizi woke up right around her normal time, but finding it another cold morning, she was in no rush to disentangle herself from her husband, who slept as if dead. Still, because unlike the rest of the house she had somewhere to be, she reached over and with the utmost end of her fingertips tapped the button on her clock that read out the time. Deciding she still had time--afterall, it was Dark's day to make breakfast, she snuggled back in until he began to stir.

He sat up, rubbed his eyes, and seeing his wife, asked through a yawn, "How long have you been up?"

"Not long, maybe twenty minutes."

"And you are still in bed?"

She sat up and pressed herself against him, "It's cold out there and warm in here, and anyway it's unfair that I have work and you all don't."

"I will have work again soon," Dark replied, and believing he still had breakfast to make, forced himself from their bed and dressed himself while Daizi pulled on another one of his shirts and wrapped her robe around herself.

And that was the entire reason why they came downstairs at the same time. Dark froze in the doorway when he saw the twins, because on one hand, they were making breakfast and he was touched by the gesture. On the other hand, his lovely, clean kitchen, utterly destroyed, and he was attempting to figure out how to express his gratitude wholesale also suppressing his desire to comment on the destruction.

Daizi, unable to see the mess (and not really being someone who would care if she could see it), smelled the food, and said, as surprised as her husband, "Good morning... Are you both making breakfast?"
 
Xander muttered a few creative words under his breath as his attempt to flip the egg ended up in a yellow mess as Daizi's sudden exclamation surprised him. Not that the other four eggs he'd flipped looked much better. "I hope someone wants a scrambled egg," he said, poking at it with his spatula.

"Yes, ma'am, we are, I think. I hope," Alec said. He carefully set the latest soggy square of sadness down on the skillet and cleaned his hands before walking over to Dark and Daizi. He cleared his throat, stood tall, and did his best to look as solemn and serious as he could. "Daizi, I owe you an apology," he recited his rehearsed speech. "I felt that you were trying to force me to accept your worldview, and in retaliation, I tried to force you to accept mine. I would like to state that I find your physical features appealing, not in a creepy way, but like someone remarking on a nice flower or a kind-faced dog. However, if you find such statements offensive, I promise to not use those kinds of words again and to keep those thoughts to myself. Of course, you are right in saying that the inside is what counts more, and what you have is very much not unappealing. I hope you will forgive me because-"

"Oi! While you're making like a hot-air balloon, your toast is burning!" Xander snapped as a tiny plume of smoke started to rise from the French toast skillet.

"I'mverysorrytooffendIhopeyouwon'tholditagainstme!" Alec finished in a rush and rushed away to flip the toast piece.
 
"Thank you for apologizing," Daizi replied. It was a good thing she was a morning person, because otherwise it would've been far too early for this conversation, "I hope you understand that it's something very personal for me, because it's not something I can really... debate, since I am the only one who has gone through all of my own experiences. And I won't hold it against you, I promise."

Since the apology didn't really have anything to do with him, Dark attended to it but did not say anything about it. After Alec ran back to his toast, however, Dark moved towards the counter, and looking at what was out on it, and at the toast, he asked, "Thank you for cooking, it is a very nice surprise... What did you use in the French toast?" He tried to seem simply serious but not incredulous
 
"Thank you, Daisy," Alec said with a quick smile, sounding a little harried as he tried to figure out what to do next now that he had five pieces of toast ranging from golden to a bit well-done.

Xander handed him another plate and started dishing out the sausages and eggs. "Let's see, salt, sugar, pepper, cinnamon, nutmeg, and the one called Old Bay," he said, glancing toward Dark and the pile of random spice containers, everything from allspice to parsley. "It's the same color as cinnamon, so it has to be about the same, right?"

He was actually joking about the Old Bay. It was one of the three spices he actually recognized. Old Bay was primarily for seafood, and certainly not French toast, but seeing Dark's uncertainty, Xander wanted to pull his leg a little.
 
Old Bay. Great. Oh, but they tried, he could tell that they tried, and they had already expressed they didn't know how to cook, so he needed to be positive and not make them feel badly about themselves, but he also couldn't let them just be wrong, so he said, "Well, no, colour does not necessarily correlate with taste, but it is a fair hypothesis."

"Ah it'll be grand," Daizi said, and went to pick out that morning's tea, trying to figure out what would be nice with Seafood French Toast, "it's experimental."
 
Alec snickered softly. "There's no Old Bay," he said. "Why don't you sit down? We'll bring the food to you!"

Alec left his toast long enough to wipe down the seating area of the island, leaving plenty of smears as his dishcloth got overwhelmed with egg mess. Xander shooed him back to his place and took over, wiping the area down till it looked like nothing had happened. It was a shame the rest of the counter and the stove area did not look the same. Still, they managed to get four plates dished up evenly with two eggs, three toast pieces, and four sausages each. They had overestimated how much they would need. The French toast looked anything but perfect with some being burnt on one side and nearly raw on the other and all of them heavily soaked in egg. Still, they were eatable, especially with the syrup and powdered sugar the twins put on the table. The eggs were a bit wonky and not a bit runny, but the sausage, as it happened, actually came out perfect.

"I guess we're ready to eat," Xander said.
 
They sat down as requested, relieved that there was no Old Bay used that morning, and Daizi, somewhat awkwardly, apologized before lightly touching, with her hand, all of the food so she learned exactly where it all was on her plate. After determining there was certainly more than she could eat, she gave two of her sausages and one of her pieces of toast to Dark.

"Thank you very much for this, it is very kind," Dark said, as his wife repeated the sentiment.

After they had eaten a little, Daizi made sure to say, "I can't believe you told us lies, I should put a curse on you both," She chuckled, "You said you couldn't cook." Obviously it wasn't perfect, but it was edible, and by no means were the eating only from politeness.
 
Xander snorted, taking the joke for what it was. "I suppose if you call this cooking," he smirked.

Alec blushed. "I only followed Xander's instructions."

"I just followed what I remember Dark doing," Xander shrugged. "I guess this is what happens after a recipe goes through a game of telephone."
 
"No, it is good, really," Dark said, "really, you just need practice. Nobody is incredible at something the first time they do it."

"And you knew not to use Old Bay in it, so that's a great start," Daizi chuckled.

"Our friend Cooger, you remember him, I am sure, he can grill really well, but he still mostly just eats ready-made meals, so you are already doing better than he is."
 
Xander smirked a little, surprised at how pleased that statement made him. He did something better than the homesteader! Although he thought part of the reason to homestead was to live off the land, but he had never been sure what that actually meant. Maybe ready-made meals was living off the land.

"It was the least we could do," Alec said. He reach up and tried to tug on something that wasn't there.

Xander rolled his eyes. "Would you stop doing that?"

Alec made a face. "I can't help it! I feel so... naked!"
 
"Why do you feel naked?" Daizi asked, "to me you look exactly the same as you always do."

Dark turned to his wife and dryly asked, "That joke never gets old, does it?"

"There are very few perks to being blind, I've gotta take what I can get." Daizi laughed. She has stopped wearing sunglasses around the twins about two weeks before, since after a week of having them she couldn't be bothered to dress for their comfort anymore.
 
"Good thing you can't tell that I actually am naked!" Xander quipped.

Alec sighed and rolled his eyes. "No, I mean... I am only wearing one layer." He frowned and picked at his shirt. "I feel so exposed!"
 
"Unfortunately, Xander, I can, and it is a very uncomfortable choice for us all." Dark replied, in a very serious tone.

"If you feel naked because you're not under as many layers as normal, you should just go and put some more on," Daizi suggested, and then, after a brief pause added, "But of course then it'll feel very metaphorical."
 
Alec smiled, but he didn't change until after the entire kitchen had been cleaned up and any leftovers put away. Only then did he retreat back into his normal colorful attire. Xander, meanwhile, argued with Dark about the benefits of walking around the house naked. Thankfully, he was joking.

The days turned into weeks, and, gradually, the twins relaxed and settled into the routine of Dark and Daizi. They didn't do much by way of cooking, but the place was a lot cleaner as they both cleaned up after themselves meticulously. Xander kept the walks cleared of snow and even cleaned off the car when needed. Alec took charge of the laundry and looking after everyone's clothes. They took turns with the dishes and a few other smaller chores. Neither of them seemed to want to have much to do with the dog, though Alec did occasionally stalk the dog and watch it from a distance.

The school days started up again, and not much really changed at school, at least, not at first. both of their grades did inch up a little, because though Alec had always been a better scholar, neither of them managed to get more than a C plus for most of their classes. The one improvement was that Xander actually managed to stay out of detention for all but three times when he mouthed off to a teacher. All in all, things seemed to be looking brighter.

Except that at the bottom of their bed, one backpack had been mostly unpacked, but the other still sat ready to go.
 
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