How Green Becomes Wood

"That sounds great," Dark replied, and began to make his way through the aisles, before stopping to peak in at Alec. He smiled slightly to see the look of pure amazement on his face, and then went about his purchases, doing pretty much exactly what Daizi said he would: He tapped on various types of wood, he looked at paint swatches, he mumbled to himself. He spent a bit more time reading ingredients on the paints than he normally did, but not to a strange amount. Every so often he took a folded up sketch from his pocket before tucking it away again, nodding to himself.

~~

"Good," She replied, stepping through the doorway. She was barefoot, but knew her garden well enough that she was confident she wouldn't accidentally step on something painful, "We have ivy growing up the side of the house because when we were in high school, at that fancy boarding school, my dorm was on the second floor, with this trellis covered in ivy beneath my window, and Dark used to climb it to sneak in to see me, just so we could talk, since I almost never had a roommate. I love ivy," Daizi hummed, "I love vines, they seem to have a mind of their own, they're so desperate." She led him through the winding path. It was styled after an English garden, so it was somewhere between wild and tended, with places to hide. Interestingly, despite the work she did, she never pulled the dandelions, which coloured the green grass and grew at will. Daizi longed to ask him more questions, but she swore there would be no tricks, so she refrained, for now, and instead told little stories about the plants, "We grow lavender and chamomile, but they're not blooming yet... And our weeping beech tree is lovely to sit under, I like to go there to read when it's warm enough. We planted it after visiting Petit Trianon by Versailles, there's one there Dark and I sat under for probably twenty minutes."

Eventually, she came to a pretty swing bench and sat down on it, "Come sit by me," she requested. From that spot, much of the garden could be seen, but none of the other houses could be, so it made the garden feel entirely isolated, "I can make tea, if you'd like. I know months ago you said you weren't interested, but I think it's nice."
 
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Alec eventually made his way to the model room. That was a whole new kind of delight! He'd never really looked at models before, and they looked rather fantastic. Some of them were massive! Ships so big rats could sail them, planes the size of ceilings, and cars small children could probably drive! Or, at least, mice. He glanced at a price tag and almost fainted. Then the started looking at some of the smaller ones. They were much more reasonable, and actually looked rather interesting. Maybe he could give one a try and see what Dark liked about them. The biggest problem was which one to pick. He started picking out the ones he liked and lined them up on the floor. Then he sat on the floor and slowly looked them over, putting them back one at a time as he decided against one or another.

~~

Xander followed her, glancing at the plants as she spoke, but he was too tense to fully take it in. Part of him wanted to relax. It was a rather nice evening, and the flowers did smell nice. The dandelions gave the grass a lively look, and there was so much visual interest. Yet every time he started to relax and enjoy himself, he'd remember where he was and who he was with and would tense again. She'd done nothing but make small talk for a while, but surely that would change.

Then it did. She asked him to sit. He considered saying he'd stand, but instead cautiously sat at the very end of the bench. "No, thanks," he said, keeping his voice low. "I don't need anything."
 
When Dark had finally finished gathering all of the things he needed, except for placing the special order, because he would do that when he paid, he went into the model room and found Alec sitting on the ground juggling boxes of models, "Do you like them?" He asked, and squatted down beside him. He lifted one of the boxes and nodded at it before setting it down, "I never really got into building models, I think because I was always so busy doing carvings, which is sort of the exact opposite, I take things away to make the desired shape, here you add things, but my work shed is good for assembling them, I suspect, because I have a variety of magnifying glasses, so you could see the little pieces."

~~

"Are you sure? Okay," She replied, matching his volume. She leaned back, rocking the swing slightly. It was built so Dark could enjoy it, so it was rather high off the ground compared to standard swings of its kind, but it didn't creak and was fairly comfortable for what was, essentially, a wooden bench, "I love drinking tea out here. It's very peaceful. I would've brought some out with me, had I thought about it, but I'm not going back inside just for myself. Or," she chuckled, "the two of us, I guess. But she's kind of a freeloader, isn't she?" She smiled towards Xander, knowing perfectly well he wasn't at ease. But she wanted him to be, and part of that was once again testing how he really felt about her talking about the baby, again, because she didn't want him to feel like they had to dance around it. She hoped joking casually about it would demystify the whole thing, even if they had, within the past twenty minutes or so, discussed the worst case.
 
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Alec looked up with a shy smile. "I thought maybe I could try one, just a little one, to see what it's like?" he said softly. "I have enough allowance money to get one of these, but I can't pick." He looked down at the boxes still surrounding him. "I wish Xander was here. He's much more decisive."

~~

"I guess," Xander said uncomfortably. He finally had to move all the way back on the bench to sit properly with his feet dangling. He could almost touch the ground but not quite! It was a rather frustrating situation. "I don't get kids. Yeah, I know, I am one, but I still don't get them. Glad someone's excited or we'd die out as a species."
 
"Well, if you narrow it down to two," Dark suggested, "You could buy one, and then I could buy the other, and then we could build them together, if you would like." After he said it, he realized he sounded like such a... dad, which was weird, but he and Daizi had been on a quest to expand their horizons and, more recently, they had embarked on a quest to get to know the twins independently of one another, and starting a project with only one was a way to do it.

~~

"Honestly, I've never really understood kids either. Like, kid-kids. Which is why I was so surprised when I realized I wanted to be a mother. And you should see Dark interacting with a toddler," She laughed, "We were once at a party with one, and he actually went pspspspsps like he was calling a cat." She didn't say it out loud, because it didn't seem like the right thing to tell a teenage boy who wasn't fully comfortable with the concept of love, but the thought of Dark singing their baby to sleep or feeding her or bathing her made her heart flutter, "I think this kid is going to be cooler than the standard kid, though."
 
"You mean, you want to do this together?" Alec blurted. "Oh, I wouldn't want to waste your time! Or get in the way, really. I was just interested. I don't want to cause trouble or anything." And yet, that sounded like such a wonderful idea! So domestic and day-time television. The thought appealed to some part of him, deep down, and as he lanced at the boxes of models, he knew exactly which two he would get for a duo project with Dark - a small DeLorean DMC-12, and the quirky little Lotus Esprit S1. Both small cars, neither particularly popular for the modern driver, but highly recognizable for cinema snobs. Still, he dared not presume, even though Dark had been the one to suggest it.

~~

"Yeah, once it gets passed its alien phase and all the pooping and barfing and all that. Sounds like a dream," Xander said dryly. He shifted uncomfortably. "Well, if that's all you wanted to talk to me about, I should probably go do... stuff."
 
"Hey," Dark said, in a gentle voice but a firm tone, "Have I ever offered something to you I did not mean? If I thought it would be a waste of my time, I would not have offered. If you do not want to do it, that is totally fine, but do not say no on my account." He picked up the DeLorean, "I really enjoyed Back to the Future, it was one of the first movies I saw in English, and I barely spoke it at the time, so I did not understand much of the plot for years. It is a shame about Michael J. Fox, though."

~~

"No, hey, Xander," Daizi said, turning to him, "you have to cut me some slack somewhere. On Monday you snapped at me for being too afraid to talk about the baby, and now that I am, you already want to scurry away. I'm trying to meet you where you are, and I have--no idea where that is. I just want to be able to talk to you and your brother without it being explosive or weird." She was speaking calmly, and clearly wasn't angry with him, but she was somewhat hurt. She didn't show it much, and she tried very hard to not show it at all, but she couldn't deny it felt pretty bad that it seemed like neither twin really wanted much to do with her, regardless of what she tried.
 
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Alec looked at Dark with a tiny smile and picked up the Lotus. "I like this one. I never saw all of The Spy Who Loved Me, just a little bit, but I loved the part when it went underwater. I know a real car can't do that, but I also just really like how strange it looks. It's so unconventional. I would do this one if you wanted to do the DeLorean. Two unique cars side by side." Done by two unique individuals, not that he could say it out loud.

~~

Xander looked down, shoving his hands compulsively in his pockets. "I don't know where I'm at, okay?" he said sullenly, but he wasn't angry at her. Not really. "It's just... it's totally weird, and I want you to feel whatever the hell it is you want to feel, but I... I don't like thinking about things. It's just... I don't want to talk about it. Sorry."

Because every time he thought of a baby growing inside of her, his stomach twisted in a queasy knot. And every time he tried to think of the tiny thing as a person, all he could remember was that it hadn't worked before, and the likelihood was it was going to die. It was going to die, and Daizi would be hurt. Really, really hurt in every possible way there was to hurt. How could he be excited about that? And, yeah, maybe she had a point about self-fulfilling prophecies, but statistics didn't lie.
 
"I never was a big James Bond fan, or a particular car afficienado, but I can say it looks neat," He stood up, brushed off his pants, and then asked, "Alright, are you ready to check out? Or do you want to look around some more?"

~~

Daizi scooted towards him on the bench, although she did not touch him, "That's okay, you don't have to know... But, maybe, since you don't, you could try to not yell at me over it?" She was referring to Monday again, "because when I wasn't talking about it with you or Alec before, I still spoke about it with Dark, and we still, privately, celebrated the big moments. I just didn't want to make you and your brother uncomfortable, and I guess I was right to presume it would."

She swallowed how awful it felt to seem disgusting in their eyes--regardless of what the cause of them preferring to not be alone with her actually was, it was how their penchant from hurrying away from her, especially if they were alone together, felt--and swallowed the fear that as things progressed and she increased, it would only get worse, because she wanted to stay committed to letting them feel however they were going to feel about the pregnancy and the baby.

"I hope you at least appreciate that I tried to listen to you, even if it didn't work out," She mumbled, wringing her hands like two rags, "and I hope you don't yell at me again for repeating this sentiment, trust me I hate beating this dead horse just as much as you, but I am sorry. I don't regret it, and I'm ultimately happy, if terrified, about it, but, I--I'm sorry it happened now, and I'm sorry it makes it hard on you and your brother," She took a quick breath, "Both things can be true. Both things are true. I'm happy for myself and Dark, but... Hm." She leaned back on the bench and crossed her arms, pinching the back of her left arm with her right hand so it couldn't be seen, and forced herself to smile at Xander, "Anyway, you can go inside if you want. I promised no traps, right? I won't force you to stay."
 
"I'm ready," Alec assured him. Then he paused and looked around with a frown. Wait, he should get something for Xander! But Xander didn't care much for arts and crafts. Then, as they walked toward the front, he spotted it. A tiny leatherworking kit with everything needed for one complete project. It looked like a wallet, and the tools were good enough quality that they could be used for other projects. He picked it up and turned it over in his hands, looking at it in awe. This would be perfect! But it was just a little too expensive for him to get it and the car. If he hadn't already agreed to do cars together with Dark, he would have put his back. Instead, he regretfully set the leatherworking back on the shelf and turned away. Maybe another day.

~~

Xander looked down at lap. "I just..." He puffed out a sigh. "I didn't like seeing you seem like you were punishing yourself. Like stuff was your fault. That, or pretending like nothing was different because of us. It doesn't matter how I feel, or at least it shouldn't. Doesn't matter if I think it's weird. I just want you to want it. You know? I just don't know how to deal with it. Didn't then, don't now. I was barely getting the hang of things as they were. Don't even know how to deal with someone going out of their way for me who isn't Alec. You know?" He fell silent, feeling like his words were getting all mixed up.
 
"Oh, what is that?" Dark asked, seeing Alec pick up a box and then set it down. He picked it up himself and turned around to look both at the pictures and what the box said, "Am I misremembering or is Xander interested in leatherworking? He would probably like this," He figured Alec had also thought about Xander when he saw it, but also had a rough idea of what the teen could afford, since he was the one who gave him an allowance, so he said, "Since I am buying one of the model cars, I suppose it is only fair we bring him home something too, right?"

~~

"It does matter what you think," Daizi said, not taking pauses to allow for argument, "that doesn't mean if you told us you hated the fact we're having a baby and that you didn't want us to that we'd just go, 'okay' and get rid of it, but if you told us how you felt, we'd be able to talk to you about it, and even if we couldn't resolve all of your anxieties, we would hopefully be able to help make you more comfortable." She tucked her hair behind her ears, which she was able to do now that, with the lessening of her morning sickness, she had started wearing her hair down again. Then she turned fully towards Xander, tucking her legs beneath her on the bench.

"If it helps at all... We don't know how to deal with it, either. We were only just getting the hang of things, too. Dark and I have only just been pretending like we know what we're doing. We may have learned how to accept people caring about us, but there's a lot we're still working on. That's part of why we both go to therapy, because there are somethings we can't work through on our own."
 
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Alec gave Dark a small smile. "I can almost pay for it, too. I think he'd really, really like to be able to try leather working before getting an entire workshop of tools and then finding out he doesn't like it at all."

~~

Xander didn't say anything at first, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye. Lots of people had said how what he thought mattered, but it had always been proven to be just that: words. Daizi seemed to genuinely believe it, and seemed to want to follow through on the statement.

"It's not that I don't want you to have it," he said slowly, "well, maybe occasionally I do, but it's selfish and mean and I only think it because, well, it's been kind of nice getting... attention. But, babies need loads of it. I'd never want anything bad to happen, but it just seems like it probably will, and it'll put you through hell, so I guess I just... I don't understand why you didn't make it so this couldn't happen again after finding out that it doesn't work so well. But that's just cause..." He looked down. "I don't like seeing you hurting, and maybe cause it's not mine, but it don't seem worth it. To me. But nobody's ever made kids worth dirt to me. So I can't get it even if I wanted to."
 
"Well, how about you pay for what you can, and then I will cover the rest. You do not have to tell Xander I helped, if you do not want to." Dark suggested, and then sighed, glancing around the store, "We should probably look around for something for Tarot, though, or stop at a bakery or something on the drive home. It would be unfair to not bring her something."

~~

She was very glad he was speaking openly with her, although to the turn of the conversation was less than ideal, "Birth control is not...100% effective," she said slowly, although if she was being honest, she and Dark were a lot less careful than they ought to have been, "and I suppose one or both of us could have underwent an operation to prevent any more pregnancies... But those aren't 100% effective either, there are thousands of stories of a vasectomy reversing itself, and really the only way to be entirely certain there would be no unexpected counting of debts would be to remain celibate which I would rather di--" She stopped herself, "which is unrealistic, or for me to have found a doctor to give me a complete hysterectomy, which would hormonally plunge me into early menopause, which would be awful," Daizi explained. She didn't add how, also, part of why they didn't choose those paths was because doing so felt like admitting defeat, and neither of them had been ready for that, "and then once I was pregnant, the night I told Dark, before I had even taken a test, because I can't do that on my own--I don't even mean emotionally, they don't make pregnancy tests I can read--but I knew, and that night we realized that if you become pregnant and don't want the baby, you have options, but if you want the baby but know they might not live, then, all you have to decide if you'd rather wait and see if it lives or..." She took a deep breath and then sighed heavily, "book an appointment to just be done with it. And not everybody would feel the same as I do, but to me, either way would be agonizing, and either way you and Alec would see me hurt, and Dark hurt, so we decided to take the path with branches."

God, if this baby lived, Daizi hoped this conversation would never be relayed to her. In that moment, she really wished she was further along and could feel the baby moving so she could have that gentle reminder there was still live inside her, "And I suppose I just have to hope it is worth it, in the end, if she lives. I think it will be. I think about hearing Dark rocking her to sleep or her coming into our bed after she'd had a nightmare, or, recently," This, she knew, was risky, but wanted to say it anyway, "You and Alec playing her. I keep imagining you trying to teach her to fight and Alec dancing with her like danced with me, except then he's leading, and that seems worth it to me. Because I hope, if she's born, eventually you'll grow to tolerate her... and as for attention, well, babies sleep a lot."
 
"Oh, yes! She would not like that at all," Alec agreed. "But what would she like? Perhaps something in the shape of a flower?"

~~

"I really didn't need to know about your sex life," Xander muttered, blushing hard.

He listened to the rest of her speech and nodded. "That makes sense. I mean, really. It's hard to take chances, but sometimes taking the branching path offers the best options. I guess... I understand that." He shrugged. "And maybe we will get along with the thing. But I'm hoping it's a boy." He gave her a crooked smile then remembered she couldn't see. "Because I know how to deal with boys. That's all. Wouldn't want her to learn any bad habits."
 
"Maybe," He said, "Something that either is tactile or smells nice." He wandered around the store with Alec, secretly trying to figure out if he was spending too much money, but figured it'd work itself out. As he walked around, his eyes finally settled on a shelf in the shop he hadn't really taken note of before.

"What about something from here?" He asked, and pointed out to Alec an entire shelf for fairy gardens: it was full of tiny houses, little fairies, birds, bugs, and mushrooms. All very tactile, all very whimsical.

~~

"Hey, you were the one who brought it up," Daizi laughed awkwardly, also blushing, "I was perfectly content not bringing up how it happened!"

Still chuckling slightly, she settled back down, and with a shrug said, "I guess there are just some things in life that, you just have to trust will work out. And maybe they won't, but... We don't know the ending," She smiled at Xander when he said they might get along with the baby, 'Regardless of if it's a boy or a girl, I think they'll probably learn a few bad habits from you, but that's okay," She sighed, shutting her eyes tightly. She was silent for a little bit and then said, "The one thing I can say about this baby, compared to all the others, is I really feel it this time. It's like this metaphysical burning, it's not real, it's like a soul burning. I think that's why even though I'm terrified, absolutely every day I'm terrified, I can have faith."

Then she opened her eyes, and laughing again said, "The baby will probably grow to be taller than you, you know."
 
Alec's eyes lit up. "Yes! Oh, please, yes, that would be so perfect! Let's get something that is sturdy so she can feel it as much as she likes without worrying she might bend anything or hurt her fingers. Her touch is so light, but some of those little wires would bend at a touch."

~~

"I'll still teach it to wrestle and win every time," Xander said promptly. He looked at her a moment then reached out and patted her awkwardly on the shoulder, barely touching her but meaning well. "I promise to try harder. Mostly, I just leave 'cause I know my mouth is usually ahead of my brain, and I figure it's safer that way. But I'll try to react better. It's just weird. Not really so bad anymore. Just weird." He didn't know what else to say, so he dropped his hands and twiddled his thumbs, glad she couldn't see that.
 
"Hmmm... that is a good point," Dark said, and looked through the different options, and at last held one up and showed it to Alec. It was a fairy with big luna moth wings and stripped tights sitting on a mushroom, resting her head in her hands. The colours weren't as vibrant as some of the others, but her dress was pretty, "What about this one?"

~~

She put her hand over his when he patted her shoulder. It was instinctual, because if she had thought about it for a moment she wouldn't have done it, knowing he hated to be touched. Considering this trait of his, and her disability, it was a rare moment where she could learn a bit about how he looked. Still, she only touched him for a moment, "Thank you for being willing to try, I know it's not easy. And you're right, it is weird. It's weird for me, too."
 
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Alec took it in his hands, closed his eyes, and ran his fingers over the fairy. "Yes," he said, handing it back to Dark. "I think the shape feel really pleasing and interesting. It's perfect! Don't you think-" He started to turn to look over his shoulder for his brother then stopped himself. "She'll agree?" he adjusted, trying to recover his blunder as smoothly as possible.

~~

"I can't imagine, but I can guess," he agreed. He twirled his thumbs a bit more. "So. What now?"
 
Dark was a bit confused when Alec looked over his shoulder, but then he realized who he was looking for, and chose to not draw attention to it, instead choosing to say, "I think she will love it. And now we should go, before we end up thinking of more people we should buy presents for." He vaguely smiled, and at last brought Alec to the counter to check out, and was finally able to place his order for the special wood.

~~

"I have no idea," Daizi replied, "I kind of just want to go to bed. It was kind of exhausting, wasn't it?" She chuckled, "But, I think it's too early. Maybe I will go inside and make some tea after all. Thank you for being honest with me tonight."
 
Alec returned the smile, but a tiny worm of guilt turned over in his stomach. He had talked Dark into spending so much money! Dark had only wanted wood, and that cost enough. Maybe he shouldn't have come. Maybe he should put things back. Maybe he should suggest a good reason not to get these things, but it was too late. Dark was already ordering and paying. He looked at the cars, the leatherworking kit, and the fairy and tried to console himself. Xander would e excited, and Daizi would love the fairy! And he was looking forward to doing something with Dark. If only it didn't cost so much!

~~

"Sounds like a plan," Xander agreed, standing a bit abruptly. "Um. You're welcome. For talking. I guess. But that is actually your fault since you wouldn't stop asking for it." He figured she could tell he was joking as he walked back toward the house.
 
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