How Green Becomes Wood

"There is nothing to apologize for," Dark replied, "and I appreciate you telling me." He watched Alec silently, trying to figure out what to say. He wasn't exactly shocked, given Alec's behavior over the past few weeks, and his reaction the night they told the twins, but... having to actually confront it now felt different. Running his tongue over his teeth, he slowly asked, "Why do you not want it?" because Dark wanted to know where the fears were so he could help to address them.
 
Dark wasn't angry? He wasn't shouting or hitting things? Alec opened his eyes, daring to look at the table, but he wasn't ready to relax just yet. Now that he had opened the door to the hidden garden of weeds and thorns, he had no choice but to continue. "Because... because that is the end of us," he admitted softly. "It's the end, and I always knew it was a fantasy, and fantasies end, but I thought this one would last a little longer. I wanted it to last a little longer."
 
"We are not going to kick you out when the baby comes, if the baby comes." Dark said definitively. He sat hunched over in his chair, once more trying to make himself smaller so he seemed less imposing. He even considered pulling the lever on his chair to lower his seat, but decided it would be awkward if Alec caught sight of him slowly sinking down, "I understand why you have that fear, but it will not happen. We want you here, and we said we were going to take care of you. The baby is not going to change that."
 
Alec shook his head slowly, not willing to dare believe him. "You say that now, but when it does come, you will feel differently. She'll be yours, really yours, and we're..." He looked down at his hands. "We're defective castoffs. Handmedowns. Second-hand boys. You'll forget about us after a while because she's your special rainbow baby." His eyes burned, and he squeezed them shut, trying to force the tears not to fall. "I don't blame you. She's special. She's what you really wanted. Not us. Not... me. Why would you want us when you can focus on her? When not even our own mother wanted us? She took care of us because she was supposed to, not because she wanted to. A mother is supposed to love you no matter what, so if she couldn't, why would you? Especially when you had your real kid right there?" A tear betrayed him and slipped out, falling into the paint.
 
"Well..." Dark said, taking a long pause to think. He didn't know how to convince him that they liked, maybe loved, having the twins around. He dug in his pocket for a handkerchief and handed it to Alec, and then, at last, said, "She will want you. The baby. She will not know you are not our biological children, she will only grow up knowing you were there every day. That baby is going to come into this world, and regardless of what we do, she will see you and Xander as her family, as her brothers. Defective castoffs, Handmedowns, second-hand boys, which is not what you are, by the way, none of that will mean a thing to her. And, sure, if we just... threw you out onto the street the day she was born, she would never learn to know you, but why would we rob her of that? You are right to believe we want to give her the world, but..."

Dark leaned forward, and put his hand on Alec's shoulder, squeezing it gently, "we want you in the world we give to her, because we think you are wonderful, and we love getting to spend time with you, and we are proud of you. And to us, this baby means one more person who gets to learn how special you are."
 
Finally, Alec looked up at Dark. He accepted the handkerchief and held it delicately. "But, what if you change your mind? Later on?" he gulped, trying not to cry more. "What if we accidentally hurt her? I've never been around a baby before. What if she doesn't like us? What if it gets too expensive? I'm sure I can find work somewhere, I think."

He wanted to believe Dark. Wanted to with every fibre in his being! But he was afraid to believe. Afraid of opening a sealed door.
 
"You will not hurt her," Dark promised, rubbing Alec's shoulder, "You are gentle and kind, and we will teach you how to hold her, and if you do not want to hold her, we will not force you to. She will like you. You do not have to worry about money. Daizi and I both work," He did not use her nickname because of the seriousness of the conversation, "and yes, babies are expensive, and yes, so are teenagers, but if you remember, we receive a stipend each month for your care, and for your brother's," In truth, they had never used a cent of the stipends to care for the twins. They had privately been depositing the money in a bank account, which they would give to the twins when they turned 18, to help them set up their lives, since as far as they knew, they had no such savings account. Their lawyer assured them this was legal, because the money was allowed to be put aside, it did not need to be used each month. But if letting Alec believed that money was being used for his care, and therefore helped him not fear the expenses involved in raising children, he was willing to lie a bit, "and Daizi comes from money, so you do not need to be concerned about finances."

He moved his chair closes to Alec's and smoothed his hair, "And as for changing our minds later: Family, for me, has never been determined by who is related to me genetically. My own parents, the only biological family I ever knew, were terrible to me, and did so many things I would love to forget. My family, my real family, has always been made up of people who I choose. Cooger and I are not related by blood, and I think anyone who looks at us can see that, but he is my brother, even though there is nothing legal or governmental saying so. Daizi is my family, and I love her so much I do not know how to express it in any language I know, but legally, the only thing making us family is a piece of paper. But it is more than that. So do not worry about genetics or biology or any of that, because I never have. This baby will be my only blood relative, but that does not mean she is my only family."

Then, looking Alec directly in the eyes, he concluded, "And, I want you to think about, and remember, that we chose to take you in. And we chose to foster. And we chose to fight for you. We chose you. We looked at you, and we looked at your brother, and we liked you, and wanted you, and we said exactly as you are, with no modifications, and no ultimatums, this is who we want in our family. This," He tapped the center of Alec's chest with his finger, "is the life we choose. Whoever we may have been, we put aside, because we wanted to have you and Xander in our lives, and nothing is going to change that. Do you think if when I saw you on the street in December, if I already had a baby at home, I would have left you out to freeze? I would have brought you home, all the same, and we would have been snowed in, all the same, and Daizi and I would have come to adore you, all the same. This baby, yes she will be ours, genetically, but whoever she grows up to be, is who we get. And we do not have a say in that. But we did have a say with you and Xander, and we chose to keep in our lives, and we are going to continue to choose that, and I am so, so sorry," he put the hand he had touched Alec's sternum with on his other shoulder, so he had one hand on each, "that your mother never saw how special you are, but I see it. And Daizi sees it. And this baby will see it."
 
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A sob caught in Alec's throat. Every word Dark said burned its way through his ears, chipping away at the walls he'd carefully constructed. Dark and Daizi had been gently tapping away at it ever since his arrival, but he'd hidden behind it still even with a brick or two dislodging. Now they were falling like rain. He'd believed all his life if his own mother - the person he was told over and over again was the only one who could unconditionally love a child - hated the very sight of him, then no one could. Oh, she'd never deliberately hurt them. Not even with words other than the occasional slip of the tongue when she was very upset, but there'd been no hugs, no bedtime stories, no smiles and cheers as he slid down a slide or learned to ride a bike. There was nothing but cold indifference and blame. Blame for ruining her life. And he'd believed it. Yet, here was this giant of a man who'd only known him professionally a couple of years and personally only six months assuring him that he was cared for. That he was loved. Alec looked into Dark's eyes, and he knew that Dark meant it. And if Dark meant it, then what he spoke on Daizi's behalf was true, too. They had a place here, both of them. All three of them.

A tiny whimper escaped as the last brick in Alec's wall crumbled. He flung his arms around Dark's neck and clung to him, breaking down in deep gut-wrenching sobs, the ugly kind that hurt even as they healed. For the first time, he allowed himself to believe, to really believe and not just hope or think it a fantasy, that he had found a home here. A family. A place that he would never be driven from or wish to flee. It was safe here, and it always would be. He could relax and truly let himself be himself without needing to hide behind masks or coping mechanisms while he waited for the other shoe to drop. There was no other shoe. There was just home and a sense of belonging.
 
Dark held Alec tightly, with one hand on his back and the other on the back of his head, and he didn't say anything, he just held him close and rocked him gently. He rested his cheek against his hair, and even with his eyes shut tightly, a few tears ran down his own face as Alec sobbed. Dark had never been an outwardly emotional man, but that never meant he could not feel, and even though he did not cry often... If there was ever a time, it was when he felt the fingernails of this fifteen year old boy digging into the back of his neck and sobbing into his shoulder.

Occasionally, he'd mumble out "Sshhhh..." or "It is okay..." but he knew that ultimately, he was just going to sit there, and rock his child, until eventually he stopped crying and then... maybe they'd go back to assembling their model car, or maybe they would go do something else, or... Who knew what would happen next, but right then? In that moment? He was just coming to comfort his kid.
 
He had no idea how long he cried, but eventually, Alec's sobs quieted into damp hiccups. He sat up slowly, feeling a bit as if he were peeling away from Dark, and rubbed his cheeks. The handkerchief caught his eye, and he quickly used that before looking at Dark, feeling both lighter and a little ashamed. Boys weren't supposed to cry, after all, unless they were dying. Maybe if their wife died, but that was all. Then he caught sight of the damp tracks on Dark's cheeks, and all feelings of self-consciousness vanished. He reached up and dabbed gently at Dark's cheeks then placed the handkerchief into his hand.

"I'm sorry it took me so long," he said meekly then sniffled a little. Unlike the movies, a really good cry was not all that clean or picturesque. "And I'm sorry for getting your shirt wet."
 
"It will dry," Dark replied, and sighed heavily, before rubbing has face, even though Alec had already used the handkerchief to dry it. He carefully folded it up and put it back in his pocket, then turned very slowly back to the model car, sitting forgotten on his desk. He looked at it dumbly, wondering how on earth they would just go back to working on it. He chuckled slightly at the thought of the classic machismo attitude of 'welp, that's done, let us never talk about it again, we've got a car to work on,' and then looked at Alec, and said, "You should probably drink some water, otherwise you may get a bit dehydrated."
 
Alec gave him a wobbly smile and nodded. "I think... I don't think I'm up for painting anymore, but I should put the lids on so it doesn't dry out." He started to do just that, but the tiny jars were difficult to finagle closed. "Would it be alright if I went inside and talked to Daizi a little bit?
 
"Of course, you can go on ahead," Dark said, taking the tiny paint from him, "I can clean up here. We can come back to this another day, whenever you are ready, or just want to talk, okay?"
 
"Yes, sir. Thank you," Alec touched Dark's shoulder briefly, just wanting that last bit of physical touch, then turned to head out of the shed. He paused in the doorway and looked back. "And thank you for doing the models with me. We haven't done much yet, but it's been nice." He hurried out, following the path to the house.

Once inside, he could hear the metallic twangs as Xander tried to figure out the complicated solo piece. They'd already discussed a much simpler and easier solo, but he was still determined to try. Alec hadn't the courage to tell him that he'd been slowly figuring it out by himself and felt nearly confident. Nearly, but not quite. This was Xander's moment! His moment to stand up and look awesome! Until then, he sounded like a cat screaming down a drainage pipe with a saw band in the background. He did his best to ignore the distant twanging as he searched for Daizi in her normal haunts.
 
"You are welcome," Dark replied, and watched as Alec left the shed. Then he returned to cleaning everything up. When they had the shed built, they made sure to add running water to it, so they could have a sink, so he scooted his chair over to wash out the paint before they were ruined.

Inside, Daizi was sitting on the couch, earbuds in, folding all of the towels in the house. She didn't do most of the laundry in the house, because most of Dark's clothes were expensive and he was very firm on separating out all of the whites and then splitting the colours into lights and darks, and not only could she literally not do the sorting herself, she was terrified that if it was her job to load the washing machine, she would accidentally grab the wrong hamper and wash it to the wrong setting or add bleach when no bleach should be added, and she simply could not take the pressure of it. But, the towels, the towels she could do. Enkidu lay beside her on the couch, with his head in her lap, because he took no issues with the baby, and he wasn't really in her way, so she left him there. On the coffee table in front of her was a pile of folded towels and washcloths, and in the basket in front of her was what was left to fold. There wasn't really too many, but she had only started recently.
 
Alec wasn't sure how to get Daizi's attention when she had earbuds in. He went to get himself a drink and washed his face first, and then when he returned, he called to Enkidu. "Hey, here, boy! Can you please move and make her realize someone is in the room, please?" he called to the dog in a happy tone, happier than he actually felt. "At least shuffle some? Come on!"
 
When Alec called him, Enkidu looked over at him, and at first seemed either hesitant or stubborn, because Enkidu had deemed himself, being a very good boy, the sole protector of Daizi, especially now that she smelled a little different than he was used to. Oh, but the shorter human seemed to excited to see him, so he hopped off the couch and scrambled over, his tongue hanging out of the side of his mouth. He always looked so noble until a person wanted to see him.

But when he suddenly scrambled away from her, Daizi, as Alec had hoped, paused what she was listening to, and taking one earbud out asked, "Hello?"
 
Alec leaned over and sank his fingers into Enkidu's neck fur, scratching his neck and trying to pet him how he'd seen Dark do it. "Good boy! Such a good boy!" he praised the dog. "Thank you." He looked up while gently scratching the very top of Enkidu's head and answered Daizi's "hello." "It's me, Daizi. Alec. I just came in from the shed."
 
"Oh, hi," She smiled at him, glad it seemed to be a moment where he wanted to talk to her. Then she took out her other earbud and set her phone on the table, "is the model going well? Or did you just come in to fetch something?"
 
"The model is going well, I think. Actually, I came in to, um, to talk to you." Alec gave Enkidu one last pat then walked around the coffee table to stand next to Daizi, feeling oddly nervous even though he knew he didn't need to be. "May I sit with you, please? I can help fold the towels." It was easier to talk when one's hands were busy with something.
 
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