How Green Becomes Wood

Daizi curled up, controlling her emotions just enough to stop actively crying, but she couldn't turn towards Sally, "It doesn't feel right that we should have to just accept him at his word and be gracious and understanding, while he gets to come in and behave exactly how he likes and say what he likes, and we are pushed back on if we take issue with something. From the moment we've met, both he and the aunt just make me feel like I'm wrong, somehow. When I was explaining why I asked if he would bring anyone, he told me I'm just traumatized, like I'm crazy for having those concerns. And then today he told us to stop acting like 'saintly heroes,' and don't misunderstand me, I don't feel like a saint, or a hero, but he said it as if we are equally to blame for what's happened to these boys," lightly she whimpered, her voice catching in her throat, "it's like the universe has come in to tell me this was never meant to be, and even though it is nearly impossible for him to take them from us, all of the joy and comfort and light that we've cultivated will be slowly bled dry, it was all a mirage, all a crumbling façade painted over rotten wood. Do you feel my home? It's suffocating, and I--I know we made mistakes today, but I fear that even if everything had gone perfectly today the grace has been lost. I've been given too many and too strong messages about myself and motherhood, all of which I've ignored, and now..."

She turned suddenly and sharply to face Sally, wincing slightly, but ignoring it, "But you see, don't you? He talks so calmly and so peacefully that he makes you think you're the destructive force and he's done absolutely nothing wrong when he has. Yes we messed up today but he's been missing up for fifteen years, and all he could offer those boys was weak excuses!" She slunk back down, apparently entirely forgetting her tea, "And honestly the aunt isn't better. She's just as vague and disconcerting. They both just--maybe I'd actually be able to trust them if they ever told me the plain truth, but I can feel how much they're hiding, and they act like it's okay, because they don't owe me anything, but they owe it to the twins. Dark asked their aunt where has she been all this time, and she was offended, as if the boys weren't living on the street about to freeze to death! It's like neither of them understand how close to dying they came, or maybe they just don't care."
 
"I doubt that it is that they don't care. It is more likely they just do not understand or have not yet had a chance to process. Two new members of a family with a traumatic backstory is a lot to take in," Sally pointed out.

"Daizi, if you feel this man is trouble, then you should trust your instincts," Sally said. "That said, you also need to recognize that you are coming from a place of great emotional and hormonal turmoil. Maybe he is a bit of a creep, or maybe he's just scared and acting irrationally. It is completely unfair, of course, I am not trying to defend him, but if he's ducked out of his responsibilities before or never had much by way of responsibility, he isn't going to know how to handle it. He isn't going to know how to be a father, how to deal with foster parents or really anything that might seem like it should come naturally. He will be defensive and maybe a bit aggressive not because he wants to deliberately hurt anyone, but because he feels like he's on trial. It is not a nice feeling for anyone. Not to mention, this is only the second time you've met him, and you only met the aunt once. Did you expect them both to offer up their life stories on the first go? It might be highly traumatic, and as much as you believe the twins have the right to know it, it could be very painful to try to talk about. Again, I am not trying to justify him, just trying to understand him. Maybe once he relaxes a little, then he'll give more of himself."

She sighed softly. "Right now, Daizi, as much as you want to protect Xander and Alec, that is not your job, not quite. Right now, your job isn't to keep bad things from happening to them no matter how much you might want to, but to show them that you are always there in their corner, rooting them on and waiting with open arms when things go bad. You are their cheering team and their safety zone. When they need you, they'll come to you, but they need to lead the way forward. It's how they grow. It hurts, it hurts like hell, but it's what they need. So you keep an eye on this fellow, you prepare for what might happen, but remember, it's still a might." She leaned forward, her voice soft and gentle. "You are doing a good job, Daizi. Both you and Dark. There are no easy or even necessarily right answers, but as long as you keep the twins' best interests at the forefront of your minds, you will be doing the right thing. You are good parents. And if this fellow does turn out to be a good guy, then that is just one more person for them to love. If he turns out to be a rotter," a hint of a smile played about her lips, "well, I don't think I need to waste my breath on threats. And the twins will still and always have you. That is what matters most."
 
Daizi stayed still and silent after Sally finished talking. It wasn't correct to say her face was blank, but what exactly she was feeling was impossible to discern. She was entirely shadowed over, and it took her a long time before she spoke, and when she did, her voice was quiet, barely above a whisper, "I just can't do it. And I know the response to that should be, 'yes you can, you're strong, it's hard, but you'll get through it,' but... every time it feels like we have found solid ground it is ripped out from under us. I can't breathe. First I finally accept in myself that I will never be a mother, then Dark brings home two teenagers out of the storm. And then it's chaos. When it finally seems like everything is figuring itself out, I conceive. And then it's chaos. And then we convince the twins that we have space for all three, and we have this. I just--I can't. It's too much. Even if everything works out wonderfully, and everything is great, and we're all happy, then it's just going to be something else to tear us to shreds. And I don't care if that's weak."
 
Sally reached out and took both of Daizi's hands both of hers. "That is not weak, and it is not weak to admit it," she said firmly. "You're right, this is a lot, more than most people could ever hope to bear. The thing is, you will bear it, and you will get through it, not because you are strong, but for the simple reason that you must. It is a harsh, cold, horrible thing to say, but I am afraid it is the truth. And here is another truth," she squeezed Daizi's hands gently, "you are not going to face it alone. That, I promise you. You have people in your corner, people who are going to be here for you no matter what."
 
"Thank you," she replied, but she wasn't entirely sure if it helped her at all. But at least the response wasn't to criticize her feelings. She just felt too low on empathy to imagine what those people might be feeling, and she wasn't proud of it, but she had hit her wall, "I keep having to miss work, and my boss is very forgiving but she's bound to have a limit, and I can't use too many days because I'm going to have this baby and if she lives or not I'm going to need to go on leave..." She groaned and hung her head, "I just don't want to have to speak with him at all, that man, but I don't have that option. Everytime I read my cards lately, I pull the Tower."
 
Sally wasn't actually into tarot cards and had been raised to view them with, at best, extreme caution, but she didn't bother to say any of that now. She could guess by context what that meant. "I understand," she said gently. "And I think you do have the right to limit your meetings with him based off of what you can realistically offer. After all, the boys can't miss school, and neither can Dark. If need be, you can take turns taking the boys to meet him on your terms, but as reasonable as possible, of course. And, as a fall-back, you can always call on us or someone else you trust to go with them. Not at first, but maybe if this man proves himself not to be an immediate threat after a couple of meetings." She shook her head and bit her lip. "Unfortunately, this baby has to be your priority. If meeting him and talking to him is too much and is causing your baby distress, you must put him or her first. The boys would understand that, wouldn't they?"
 
She sighed and patted her middle, "I hope she's doing okay. I only felt her move for the first time yesterday... if it's because my stress is negatively affecting her, I..." She sighed, keeping her hand where it was, "no, I can't blame myself for being stressed, nobody could prepare for this. It's too much at once. We're not letting him know, or at least for as long as we can hide it. I just wish I could sleep until it is settled."
 
Sally smiled and gently patted Daizi's arm. "You absolutely cannot blame yourself for this, no. I'm sure she is doing well! Likely better than us. Have you picked out a name for her?" She caught herself and frowned. "Oh, yes, I'm sorry. I remember now you said you were keeping it secret."

~~

Meanwhile, Xander exited his room. He stumped down the stairs to the kitchen where he assumed Dark would be and stood waiting to be acknowledged. He had a moody expression, but that was more or less his default expression, so who knew what he was actually feeling?
 
She couldn't help but smile slightly. Her baby, and it was obvious, was pretty much the only consistent pure spot in her life. There was stress and fear surrounding her, but taken on her own, there was only goodness there, "We haven't yet anyway... Well, we decided on the structure of her name, and there's this one name I love, it's beautiful. I haven't suggested it to Dark yet, but I think he'll like it, too."

~~

Dark was still cleaning. On the island counter in front of him, all of the spoons sat shining, laid out perfectly straight, perfectly shined, and perfectly organized. Next to them, were forks. Half were completed, and laid out just as meticulously, but the second half was unfinished and sat in a messy heap nearer at hand. To the other side of him were the butter knives, completely untouched. Dark reached forward and straightened a spoon imperceptibly, and then his head jerked up and he perceived Xander, "Hello..." He murmured, his expression somehow both blank and even more intense than usual.
 
Sally smiled, pleased to see Daizi brighten. "May I know what it is? I promise not to tell, but I understand if you don't want to share. If you don't, I shall simply have to guess," she teased lightly.

~~

Xander stepped closer to Dark and gestured toward his hand. "Can I see your arm? Either one."
 
Daizi chuckled, "If I tell you before Dark, it'll ruin it. But... it means capable. I won't say in which language, so don't go trying to look it up. We're talking about giving her a long, long name so it may not all be in Arabic," She moved her second hand moved to the side of her bump and took a deep breath, "She's kicking again. If she could hear yet, I'd say she likes it. The doctor says she's exceptionally active."

~~

Dark looked at Xander mildly bewildered before glancing down at his arms, turning them slightly to be palms up, and after a moment set down the fork he was currently polishing and held out his left arm to him.
 
"She may not be able to hear, but she can sense your intentions," Sally told Daizi. "She knows full well that we're talking about her, and she's calling us cheeky for trying to talk about her!"

~~

Xander took a long string and wrapped it once around Dark's arm just above the wrist, making as little skin-to-skin contact as possible. He marked the length of the string, let it fall from Dark's arm, and tied a knot as a permanent marker. "Thanks." He tucked the string into his pocket and started walking away. Pausing in the doorway, he glanced back and said, "Messing up is better than not trying at all."
 
"Well we're going to talk about you, Hummingbird," Daizi smiled warmly, looking down, and then to Sally said, "It's so hard not getting to see her. Everybody else can, but I have to wait. I know she's getting here as fast as you can, but Dark always carries her most recent sonogram with him, because he gets to look at how she's doing. He's traced my finger around the shape of her, but it's not the same."

~~

He quickly pulled his arm back, wishing he had sleeves to pull down. It was always a risk, having his arms exposed like that. The scars had all been faded and tattooed over, so in day to day life, if his arms were out he wasn't particularly concerned, but when someone was looking closer... He didn't actually know how perceptible they were, because he knew what he was looking for. If after so many years and layers of ink and stretched skin, those who didn't already know they were there could still spot them had never been revealed to him.

He watched Xander leave and said more firmly then he had in awhile, "Thank you." But he couldn't express how far down the day had hit him.
 
Sally winced. "I am sorry. I cannot imagine that struggle, but..." She paused, and a slow smile spread across her face. "That is something I can help you with. Do you have a copy? Or do you think Dark would let me borrow his?"

~~

Xander heard the thank you, and he gave a tiny nod even though he'd left Dark's line of sight by now. He returned to his room where Alec lay on the bed sketching something while listening to music though his headphones. Xander sat on the floor and used the string to measure out a new piece of prime leather, checking several times to ensure he had the right dimensions before carefully cutting it out and beginning his newest project.
 
"You would need to ask Dark. We definitely have multiple, because the office loves to print out duplicates, but I don't know where they are. What are you planning to do?" She swiveled, "In two weeks we have another appointment, we have them every other week instead of every month, and my doctor said they'll probably be able to tell her sex, then. She said that we probably would have learned this week, but the position wasn't right."

~~

Dark turned back to his cleaning, feeling somewhat better. He wasn't miraculously cured, but his interaction with Xander felt like an olive branch, even though he knew they never seemed all that angry at him. He wasn't quite ready to stop, but part of his drive was now simply the distaste for leaving a job unfinished. And being just a little bit more at ease, he wanted to finish polishing everything and then go check on his wife.
 
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"If it's alright with you, I'd like to get a copy from you in two weeks' time, then, and I'd like to keep my plan a secret. Partly for my own amusement and partly in case it does not work," Sally admitted. "I am certain it will, but just in case it does not I don't want to get your hopes up."
 
"You're welcome to it," Daizi said. She had more questions, but she liked surprises, so she agreed to refrain from asking.

Stretching and settling back down, Daizi lightly touched her wedding ring and said, "He's so sweet at all of my appointments. I don't know if you can imagine Dark excited... and the entire time they're doing the scan he holds my hand and strokes my hair, and I always feel him looking at me when we hear the heartbeat. And he thanks me. We drive home and he thanks me, very quietly. He's going to be the greatest father to her."
 
Sally smiled, a hint of sadness in her eyes, though Daizi wouldn't have been able to see it. She turned, hearing Dark's footsteps, and said, "Well, I should likely be getting home. It's getting late." She rose gracefully. "Thank you for your hospitality, Daizi, and I do hope we can do this again sometime."
 
Daizi stood along with her, not yet pregnant enough to have her mobility hindered, "I can walk you out. I really appreciate you coming, I can't imagine how bad I'd still feel if you hadn't. Thank you..." She hesitated for a moment, and then with her voice a bit tighter from withholding a new crash of emotions, "I don't know how to repay you."
 
Sally touched her arm and then pulled her in for a gentle hug. "Friendship needs no repayment," she said softly. "I am happy to be here. I really am. I just wish I could do more." She patted Daizi's back lightly and stepped away from her. "I need to get my things. If you need anything, don't hesitate to call, alright?" She turned and started packing her teacups and other items into her basket. "Even if it is only to talk. Sometimes it's good to have a third party who isn't quite as involved to talk things out."
 
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