How Green Becomes Wood

Daizi whimpered, still desperately wishing she wasn't crying but knowing she was far past that being an option, "They needed to give her a transfusion, and she wasn't crying, and it's all my--" She stopped, squeezing herself tighter.
 
Alec sat back but didn't take his hand from her arm. "Don't you dare say that it's your fault," he snapped with a sudden vehemence that shocked even him. He flinched a little and looked away. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I shouldn't have said it like that. I do mean it wholeheartedly that you absolutely should not and cannot blame yourself. It's no more your fault about Ivy than it's my fault that my mother died. It's not your fault. It never was. Not once."
 
She flinched away from him when Alec raised his voice at her and shrunk into herself, "If she hadn't been born early, she wouldn't be here, and she wouldn't be struggling," the first part of her statement was strong like Alec's had been, but she was too tired, in all ways, to maintain that energy, "I was supposed to keep her safe, and I couldn't do that. You can't understand."
 
Alec stared at Daizi for a long time. "No. I don't. I can't. I can never understand. I don't have to understand to know it's not your fault and that you're hurting yourself and Ivy by constantly blaming yourself. Would you rather not have had Ivy at all? No, I don't think so. She is a miracle. She is going to live, she is going to love life, and that is because of you."
 
"I'm not hurting her," Daizi replied, that time with actual force, "she's sleeping, she doesn't know." She tried again to wipe her face, "She's sleeping. But you spent the whole time you knew about it telling me to be more careful, to relax more, and now she's here, and I love her more than I thought I could, but she's here too soon, and I'm so tired, and I feel like I've been ripped into a million jagged pieces."
 
"You kind of have been ripped into a million jagged pieces," Alec pointed out as politely as he could. "Of course you're tired. You have had a decent sleep in over a week." He took her hand gently. "You feel horrible. You feel like the absolute gutter trash. You feel like when things can't possibly get worse, suddenly, they do." He squeezed her hand gently. "Things aren't great right now, I'm not going to lie, but they are better than you think they are. They look truly awful because of how terrible you feel. And that's okay. It's okay to feel awful and horrible, but you can't blame yourself for something you have literally no control over. Of course I told you to be careful, but that's because I'm a nervous, cautious individual, not because you were doing anything wrong. You will be a wonderful mother. You are a wonderful mother. You're just a really tired and hurting person right now, too."
 
The grip she had on herself loosened as Alec spoke, and she mumbled, "I just want to go home," and it was too much to say anything more. She let herself fall against Alec, for once not feeling her normal guilt for relying on him for emotional support. And she really might have stayed there for awhile, and just let herself cry, but then, from her place in the room, a second, weaker cry came. So Daizi pulled away, but hesitated on the edge of the bed, knowing the act of getting up and walking over to the cot was going to be uncomfortable, but also knowing someone needed to get the baby: Xander had yet to hold her, and she could guess Alec would be too nervous to bring her over himself.
 
Last edited:
"And we want you home. You're one day closer," Alec whispered. When Ivy started crying, everyone tensed. He stood when Daizi hesitated. "I'll get her!" He said with more confidence than he felt. He walked over to the crib and put his hand on Ivy's belly. "Hey, little one. Hi! Remember me?"

Xander went to Daizi and lightly brushed her arm. "I have some water for you," he offered.
 
It was just one moment, Daizi was telling herself. She just got a bit overwhelmed, that was all. It was okay to be overwhelmed, everyone got overwhelmed sometimes, "Are you sure?" she asked when Alec offered to get Ivy, but the sound of his footsteps going to the crib felt pretty certain. Ivy's face was red and scrunched and she was kicking her legs as she cried, not even really faltering when Alec touched her and spoke. At her left elbow was a tiny bit of gauze from where she had her transfusion earlier. Her cry still wasn't strong, but it was, nonetheless, stronger than it had been almost a week before.

"Thank you," Daizi mumbled, taking the cup from him and trying to take deep breaths, "I'm sorry. And you don't have to tell me I don't have anything to be sorry for, I know that. I just, I am."
 
Alec smiled down at the tiny baby, his heart warming at her determined little cries. "Alright, I get it," he assured her. "It's not me you want, and you're not interested in idle chatter. The thing is, I've never picked you up before, so I'm gathering the courage to do it." He had held Ivy twice now, but always while sitting. Picking her up from a prone position was new. Holding his breath, he leaned down and carefully slid his hands under her as he'd seen Dark and Daizi do countless times. Then, slowly, making absolutely certain he had her securely, he lifted her up and transitioned to cradle her against his chest. Only then did he allow himself to breathe. Made it!

"I get it, and that's fair," Xander assured her. "A good cry never did anyone any harm. Usually does a bit of good." He waited until she was finished and took the empty cup from her. "You're doing great. Might not feel like it, but you are. So go ahead and cry if you want."
 
"Yeah," Daizi swallowed, "It really doesn't feel like it. And I don't know why it doesn't." She pushed her hair back and then reached over for her robe, wanting to obscure the wet spots on her shirt for the sake of the twins. She'd need to change before her family got in, but that thought stayed in the back of her mind.

Now that Alec was holding her, Ivy wiggled less, but she still cried, and continued to until Alec had successfully crossed the room back to Daizi, transferred her over, and her mother began to nurse her. Daizi murmured something soft and warm in Arabic and bit back a new flood of tears, knowing perfectly well all this baby wanted to do was live, "Thank you for bringing her, Alec. I couldn't see it, but I think you did really well. And I know she is very grateful."
 
"'Cause being in a hospital sucks, and you're still mending, and probably have some kind of weird version of survivor's guilt," Xander told Daizi promptly. He moved away when Alec approached with Ivy, giving them plenty of room.

Alec straightened proudly. "At least I didn't make her nervous or worry her. I think I did alright." He glanced toward the door. "Would you like one of us to stand guard and let you know when we see the family approaching?"

"I can do that," Xander offered.
 
"It's not survivor's guilt," Daizi murmured, but didn't think there was a way to explain it in a way either boy would be able to comprehend, "She was too hungry to be nervous. Weren't you, baby?" Daizi ran her fingers up Ivy's little arm, wincing when they brushed against the gauze, "You can keep watch if you'd like to. There's no way for me to make myself look nice for them. I don't think I'll ever look nice again." She knew that wasn't true, but in that moment, it felt like it may as well have been. Sure she had showered multiple times since the birth, and she felt amazing after that first one, but since then, she just kind of felt... Bad? She couldn't think of a more fitting word.
 
"I'll just be right outside the door," Xander told her and stepped out, keeping watch down the hallway so he could spot them the moment they rounded the corner.

Alec smiled and touched Daizi's shoulder. "All things considered, I think you look fabulous. When Ivy is finished, may I brush your hair? I've been practicing putting up hair. May I try it on you?"
 
"I wish I had your eyes," Daizi dared to joke, but it only reminded her of another pain, "I wish I could see her. And you. And Xander." She took a long pause, punctuated by the quiet suckling noises, "You'd never think she had a transfusion earlier today... You can do my hair, if you'd like. You probably don't need to wait until she's finished either, you can sit behind me. Or we can wait."
 
Alec found a hairbrush and carefully positioned himself behind Daizi. "Just tell me if this starts to interfere," he told her as he loosened her hair. He smiled and gently fussed with it, getting it free of the flattened mass it had become after so long of laying on it. "I am just glad you can here us. It may be selfish of me, and maybe horrible, but I'd rather you could hear than you could see. We aren't much to look at, really, but I have a lot to say."
 
"I am glad I can hear you. And it's good I can hear her." She sighed, running her fingers through Ivy's hair, "the nurses said my hair will start falling out, and hers. Not yet, but in a few months. But that's normal too." She sighed, "I'm glad you have a lot to say. I'm still very interested in it, you know. Even if I seem like I'm too distracted. I still want to know what's going on with you. You're still my son. That hasn't changed."
 
Last edited:
Alec's fingers faltered a little at Daizi's declaration, but he kept brushing and working her hair free. "You have such healthy hair. Even if it does fall out, I'm sure it'll be amazing when it comes back. I know you're interested. Just, you only have so many hands to juggle so many things. I don't mind waiting until you have a free hand again. " He braided up her hair and started carefully wrapping it up, trying not to pull or put it where it would hurt her head when she laid down.
 
"It's not all going to fall out, I won't be bald. I guess it's something like, your hair stops falling out when you're pregnant, so you get extra hair, but when the extra hair hormone leaves, all the extra hair you grew when pregnant all falls out... Dark normally does my hair..." She sighed lightly, and cooed at Ivy, "My sweet little habibti... I wish she didn't have to fight so hard... Alec, I've spent a week in a hospital... I like to know what's going on outside of it, because then, then it doesn't feel like this is it."
 
"Oh, that makes sense," Alec murmured about the hair. He frowned at his work, undid part of it, and carefully wound it up again. "That's a little better. He would have done your hair, but he is distracted by making certain your family gets here on time, I think." He moved over to sit next to Daizi. "Um, well, not much is happening right now. It's still decently warm outside, a good deal warmer than in here, and there's the smell of fall on the air. The leaves are changing, some are falling, which means there's the occasional crunch when walking down the street, and lots of people are starting to have their decorations up. It gets quite freaky sometimes when something randomly laughs at you."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top