How Green Becomes Wood

It never occurred to Daizi that singing the same song to both Alec and Ivy would bother him. To her, it was her favourite lullaby. It was the one that had been sung to her and the one she most associated with home. Of course it was what she'd sing to her children. And to her, it seemed like the perfect song---she was able to bond with Alec by teaching him to play it, and let Ivy hear the song Daizi had been singing to her since she developed ears.
 
When the song ended, Alec tentatively suggested, "Why don't we play something a little more upbeat?" He didn't really want to continue playing, but he refused to end on a - for him - sour note. It wasn't fair to Ivy.
 
"Sure, if you'd like to," Daizi said. The tiredness was creeping in, again, but Ivy was awake so she would be too---especially because she had spent that time after CPS sequestered alone. The whole time she had been telling herself it was fine to leave Ivy with Dark while she took time to be completely alone, but she still felt like she should've been doing something, "Why don't you choose? I started the last one."
 
"Alright, just a short one," Alec said. He started playing a happy little ditty he had learned with Daizi back when she had first begun to teach him. It was lively, but short, and good for practicing scales. It would only take a couple of minutes to play through. He could see how tired she was, and he wanted a little alone time. His feelings toward Ivy confused him, and Xander acting like he was always put Alec in a bit of a funk.
 
Daizi couldn't help but smile as she realized what song he was playing, because she could vividly remember teaching it to him. He had been so proud when he finally got it right, and it was the first time she had really felt confident with it all. It wasn't until they played it again together, so many months later, that she realized how special it was to her.

At its conclusion, since it felt very obviously like the last one they had the energy to do, she stood up, and after making her way over to him, hugged him from behind, "That was really fun, habibi. Thank you for playing with me." She squeezed him gently, and was about to pull away before she realized she wasn't quite ready to, so she squeezed him again, kissed the top of his head, and did her best to will all of her love into him. It was only after that she released him, "We should do it again. I want to do it again."
 
For that moment while Daizi hugged him, Alec's mind went quiet and his heart warmed. For just that moment, all the worries and the clouds lifted away. He smiled and gripped her arms lightly, feeling loved and protected. "It was quite fun." She pulled away finally, and Alec reluctantly let her go. "I would like to do it again soon," he agreed, the clouds creeping in once more.
 
"We will. I promise." Daizi dropped rested her hands on Alec's shoulders and ruffled his hair before walking off. She didn't really want to leave him, but knew it was time, because she really, really needed to lie down.

When she left the room, she went straight into her own bedroom and dropped down in her bed, and Dark, still holding Ivy, crawled in beside her. She rested her head against his chest and her hand on his thigh, and he had one arm around her waist. His other arm he was supporting their daughter with, who was contentedly sucking on her fist, and also the only one who felt totally fine. For a little while, neither of them spoke, except for when Ivy would kick her legs or sneeze or make a tiny noise, then they would turn to her with big smiles and talk to her about it.

But then Daizi, pressing herself closer against her husband, spoke, "Thank you for still treating me the same."

"What?"

"You don't act weird around me, you don't avoid touching me, and you still talk to me instead of only focusing on her," Daizi replied softly, shutting her eyes even though it changed nothing, "And I'm really really glad. Because I don't know what I would do if you started pulling away too."

Dark looked down at her, frowning. Since he couldn't wrap her up in both his arms, he did his best to pull her in tighter with the one arm he had free, "I promise I am never going to pull away," he said, "You having Ivy only makes me love you more. When I tell you I love you, I mean it, Spider."

She was anxiously tracing circles on his thigh, and when she was aware of it, it occurred to her in just one week they would be cleared to resume 'adult' activities for the first time in months. It occurred to Dark, too, but neither of them said anything about it, because neither of them was ready. Daizi didn't feel enough like herself, Dark was struggling too much with all of what having a baby was dredging up in himself emotionally. And they could both kind of tell the other one didn't have the heart for it yet. Plus---if CPS arrived while they were, engaged, that would be a nightmare scenario.

"I'm worried about the boys," She said after a period of silence.

"Me too." He agreed, resting his cheek against the top of he head.

"I don't think they're coping well," She said, and being with him, allowed herself to cry, "and I don't know how to help them, because neither of them want to talk to me, and I just want us all to be happy, Goose."

"I know," He murmured, swaying where he sat, which had the double purpose of comforting his wife and moving his daughter to sleep, "I want that too."

"Don't we get to be happy? At some point, don't we get to relax?" She asked, her voice squeaking at the end of her second sentence, "What is so wrong with us that we don't get to just be happy?"

"Nothing is wrong with us, darling," Dark replied firmly, "the world is just unforgiving."

"Ivy is so exciting to me, and I love her so much, and I feel so glad that she's here, and home, and healthy, but I feel so guilty when I spend time with her at the same time as you when she's awake, or when I choose to keep holding her when she's asleep instead of immediately lying her down and going to sleep myself, or immediately going off to be with the boys, but she grew inside of me! How can I not be fascinated by her?" She pressed her face against Dark's chest, and mumbled something about not wanting her love for Ivy to hurt the twins, but most of it couldn't be made out between the tears and the way she had buried her face. Eventually she turned her head, and said, painfully, "All I want is for us to be a family together, but we keep getting pulled apart, and I keep trying to hold us together, but they're still floating away from us. And I don't know what to do, babe."
 
Alec went to his room, but after a while, he crept out and downstairs, moving as cautiously and quietly as possible. If asked, he wouldn't have been able to explain why he was sneaking around. Logically, he knew he didn't need to, and that Dark and Daizi would be at best puzzled and at worst hurt by his actions, but he just did not want them to know his movements. He slipped out back, closing the door carefully, and walked out to Xander's shed with his leather work.

"What do you want?" Xander growled when Alec walked through the door.

"Nothing." Alec took a stool and made himself comfortable.

Xander sat on the other stool at his work bench, but instead of pounding leather, he was scrolling through his laptop. He scowled but said nothing to his brother.

"What are you looking at?" Alec finally asked.

"Leather," Xander said shortly. "I'm running out. Trying to find more for cheap."

"Oh." After a while, Alec said, "They're worried about you, you know."

"They're worried about you, too," Xander grumbled, flicking to another page.

Alec shrugged. "Maybe, but I'm fine. Tired, but fine. At least I use Ivy's name."

"I'm not a name person."

"I know that, but... never mind." He picked up a small, beaded leather bracelet and twirled it in his fingers. "The CPS thing is really aggravating them. They aren't used to things like this."

Xander snorted. "They should have known what they were signing up for. Bigots abound. And they aren't helping their own situation."

Alec twisted a loose strand. "He's not him."

Xander finally glanced at his brother. "Huh?"

"Dark. He's not him. It's not going to happen again. Not like that time. And not like Declan. You can talk to him."

Xander's jaw clenched, and he turned back to his laptop. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Alec set the bracelet back on the small shelf and stood up. "Yes, you do. But it's okay if you don't want to talk about it right now."

Alec went back to the house and his room while Xander stayed in the shed, scrolling without seeing what was on the screen.
 
Dark smoothed Daizi's hair and kissed her head, "It will be okay," he promised, and he did believe it, although he feared it would be a long way away, "they will adjust."

"Does he ever even look at her?" Daizi asked, gripping Dark's shirt, "I don't care if he doesn't hold her, but..."

"Everyone is at their own pace." He replied, because it was easier, "I know he is trying. We are all trying."

This statement didn't help Daizi at all, and she began to cry again. She didn't know how she was supposed to take it, how she was supposed to cope. Ivy was just as unexpected as they were. Sure there was a little more time to prepare, but she was still unplanned. It wasn't like she and Dark had intentionally put her into the world, and even if it was, it wasn't her fault, and it agonized Daizi that this innocent five week old, six pound person, was in some ways viewed as this invader.

At least Alec interacted with her, but Daizi feared that if she was as ecstatic around her daughter when the boys were around as she wanted to be, that would stop too. And none of it was Ivy's fault. She was just excited, and she hated how terrible she felt about it, because she had no buisness feeling terrible: she had waited for thirteen years for this. Thirteen years.

Daizi cried harder. It was the first time she had really allowed herself to cry in the presence of someone since giving birth. She had snuck it in a time or two when she was alone, but since the time Alec had snapped at her, she had been trying to avoid it. Yes, she had been on the phone with Sally, but the distance made a difference. Now she was sobbing into her husband's chest, and he was trying to squash the urge to go over to the twins and tell them that it was okay to be upset, and that it was okay to not be feeling totally positive about it, but for godsakes be careful about what they did around a woman who had most of the risk factors for postpartum depression. But he knew it would only make things worse, and he knew this was neither twin's intention, and he didn't want to leave her alone while she was like this, so he settled in.

Dark did his best to say the right things, and truthfully, he hurt along many of the same lines as she did. He had some of his own, and Daizi had some she still remained silent about, but they felt a similar pain about their boys--because between the two of them, there was no discussion, Alec and Xander were theirs. Indisputably.

When Daizi finally quieted, he nudged her, and found she had fallen asleep. And he looked over at Ivy who, also, had fallen asleep. So, Dark took a deep breath, wedged between the two of them, and gave in to being trapped.
 
The twins kept to themselves until the next morning when they headed off to school. Alec gave Daizi a warm hug and assured her he'd bring home all the gossip and news he could as well as describe was was happening outside in the fall foliage. Then, after a quick farewell to Ivy, they were off. The day went by like all the other days. Xander did get into a brief scuffle between classes, but it cleared up before any teachers could report them. Alec just kept his head down, drifting through the motions until it was finally time to head home.

As they walked up toward their house, Xander put his hand out, frowning. "Hang on. What's Enkidu doing out here?"

Alec looked ahead, his brow furrowing. "Maybe someone's mopping?" he asked worriedly.

Xander nudged Alec behind him just in case and headed up the walk. "Hey, boy, what are you doing out here?" he asked softly, glancing around for any signs of an intrusion. He didn't see or hear anything, so he started carefully opening the door, listening intently.
 
At first, the inside of the house seemed quiet, like everyone inside was sleeping. Dark's car wasn't in the driveway, although it might have been missed, considering how strange it was Enkidu was outside. The lights were on, and everything seemed normal, but then, coming from somewhere in the living room Daizi yelled out, "Don't take your shoes off! There's glass!" and from the hoarseness of her voice, it was obvious she had been crying.

If the twins looked closely enough, there were a few drops of blood on the floor. Not a trail, as if someone was seriously injured, but a few stray drops, some near the entry to the kitchen, some by the front door, and some leading to the living room, where clearly Daizi was now.

Immediately after calling out, though, Ivy began to cry, purely because of the sudden noise, and Daizi went back to shushing her.
 
"Gass?" Alec repeated worriedly.

Xander gave Enkidu a quick pat to tell him everything was fine and hurried inside. "Where is the glass?" he called, watching his step and noticing the drops of red on the floor.

"Oh dear," Alec whimpered, glancing around. Both went toward the livingroom quickly, Xander's face a deep frown of concern that, had Daizi been sighted, might have been mistaken as anger someone who knew him less. "What's happened?"
 
"In the kitchen," She said, over the cries of her daughter. In the living room, she was sitting on the floor, holding Ivy, and it was obvious she had stepped in some of the broken shards and cut up the bottom of her foot. Her breath was still shaky, but she wasn't still actively crying, and was more shaken by the situation, "I had been adding more water to the flower vase, the one you keep putting in my office, and, it--it was really quiet and still in the house, but then Ivy began to cry, so I tried to tell her to hush, that I would be there in a minute, and turned to set the vase down, but then there was a knock at the door and Enkidu started barking, and it made me jump, and I didn't have it fully on the counter so it broke on the floor, and I thought it was CPS, again, and I didn't want them to come in and find that I was just letting Ivy cry, but I didn't know where the glass was. I couldn't see it."
 
"Oh dear, oh dear," Alec frowned, looking at Daizi's foot. He moved around Xander knelt down. "It's okay, Ivy, we'll take care of it. Everything will be fine. For now, you need to go to your bassinet, okay? Xander, you stay in here with her, and you," he touched Daizi's arm, "will come with me. We need to look at that foot, okay?"

"Me? Uh, okay," Xander agreed uncertainly. Alec was better at first aid than he, but he wasn't sure about this arrangement. At least he could clean the floor. That was close enough to Ivy he'd still know if something was wrong, and it would only take a minute.
 
"I put Enkidu outside, I didn't want him to cut his paws," Daizi said, still holding Ivy close, although she was beginning to settle, "Dark is at the store, we had run out of wipes, I said I'd be okay. I said we'd be okay." She took a deep breath to try to steady herself: since the blood droplets were small, but still wet, it had happened fairly recently. Then, whispering to herself, she very carefully stood, trying not to put weight on her injured foot, but realizing she needed to, at least a little bit, to make sure Ivy wasn't jostled badly. Then she lay her down in the cradle and murmured, "It's okay, sweetheart, it's okay," before seeking out Alec to lean on him on the way to the kitchen, so she didn't need to step on her injured foot more than she had to, "I think there's still a piece of glass in it."
 
Alec supported Daizi's weight and gently led her to the kitchen, watching out for more glass on the way. "All the more reason to get it taken care of. You sit here," he guided her to the chair farthest from where the vase had shattered, "and I'll go get the tweezers and stuff. Here, put your foot on the other chair. There." He scurried away quickly.

Xander checked to make sure Ivy was safe and secure before going to fetch a broom. If Ivy was unhappy, that was alright. He'd rather listen to her protesting her bassinet in safety while he cleaned up the glass and blood than try to calm her while everyone else risked glass. He'd sweet them mop as quick as he could to make certain every shard was gone before letting Enkidu in. It would only take him a few minutes.
 
In fact, Ivy was upset. Her whole life, short as it was by then, when she was crying, someone had fairly quickly come to comfort her. In the past, this would have been considered 'spoiling' the baby, but recent experts disagreed, and Dark and Daizi didn't need to be told twice. But now, to the young, five-week-old baby, nobody was coming. She wasn't hungry and didn't need changing, but her mother yelling had startled her, and she had been set down, alone, before she was totally soothed.

It bothered Daizi immensely, but she knew, even as her shirt dampened, that it was for the best, and she did what Alec told her to do. She wasn't stupid, she wasn't going to argue this, and she definitely wasn't going to try to carry her baby while limping on a wounded foot, "I'm glad it was just you two. I can't have CPS seeing this," Mrs. Smith calling her extremely high functioning kept flitting through her mind. She couldn't see the glass.
 
Xander focused on getting the glass cleaned up first. Despite his comments to Dark and Daizi, he didn't care and was even a tiny bit jealous that Ivy got so much attention. Not jealous because he wanted that attention now, but because of what he felt he'd missed out when he was small. His mother had certainly not ignored or neglected him or Alec like Dark's parents had, but the facts were that she had been a single mother with two small children and limited resources. There simply hadn't been enough to go around. Yes, Ivy did need to know that sometimes - sometimes - she'd have to wait while people did something like clean up a dangerous glass spill or finish getting dinner on the table or something that was truly time-sensitive, but it was kind of nice, in a weird way, that she hadn't had to learn that yet with a mother who struggled to get twins situated as well as herself. He finished sweeping and got the mop out, but paused by Ivy's crib. "Oi, mini," he said softly enough so Daizi couldn't hear in a tone that might even be called gentle. "Hold your horses, huh? I gotta finish this and then I'll sit with you, but if your dad sees blood on the floor, he might actual die of a panic attack. Okay? Hang on." He hurried to get the mopping done so he could at least sit next to the bassinet.

Alec crouched on the floor used a flashlight to get a good look at Daizi's foot. "Yes, I think you do still have a piece stuck, but I can get it out. It's small, no bigger than a wood splinter, but I bet it hurts." He handed Daizi a pillow to hug while he prodded her foot. "If Mrs. Smith or Mr. Constable saw this, they'd be far more worried about you. If they weren't, they get reported themselves."
 
"I gave birth," Daizi replied, implying that the pain wasn't that bad, and she didn't hug the pillow close, she only squeezed it in her hands... But that was just because she didn't want to stain it, otherwise she probably would've hugged it tighter, "Maybe. But it could still be viewed as a risk. If it happened when she's older and could crawl or walk..." She inhaled sharply through her teeth as he pulled out the shard.

When Xander spoke to her, Ivy slightly quieted, but when he walked away she began to cry again until she could see Xander sitting by her, when she fussed to a much lesser degree.
 
"Things like this happen every day in households everywhere," Alec said, a touch of exasperation creeping into his tone despite his best efforts. "I'm going to disinfect this. It's going to sting." He gave her a second to register what he'd said before cleaning out the wound. "Accidents happen. Life is a risk. You got a bit frazzled because Ivy was crying and should have taken care of your foot first at least enough not to hurt yourself more before hopping across to pick her up, but you're a brand new mum under stress. Of course, you're going to make mistakes, and your baby was - is - your priority. That's what counts."

Xander finished cleaning up the floor and put things away before coming and sitting next to the bassinet. "Here there, ya mini siren," he said in a mock-scolding tone. "What are you wailing about, eh? Hmm? What's the emergency?" He reached over and carefully put the tip of one finger on her balled-up fist. Then he began lightly moving her arm around like it was a gear shift. "We'd better drive fast to the emergency! brrrmmmm brrrrr, vrrrrrr!" He giggled Ivy's arm gently as if it was the vibrations of a fast-moving car, keeping his touch to only one finger and putting as little pressure in his touch as possible as he played with her.
 
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