How Green Becomes Wood

"You are welcome," Dark replied. Even thought it was a sandwich, with the soup, he could not help but eat the grilled cheese like he would much of the Iraqi food he ate: tearing off pieces with his right hand, dunking in in the soup, and eating it that way. It was an entirely unconscious choice.

He waited to see if Xander said anything else before gently asking, "What is?"
 
"This," Xander said, waving his hand. "It's just not fair. None of it is." He scowled down at his soup. "It's all just bull. And you're just... you're making it worse! And I can't tell if you mean to or not."

"Xander," Alec started but fell silent when Xander stood abruptly.

"You're not supposed to talk to cops or CPS!" Xander growled, pacing back and forth next to the table. "You don't talk to them unless you're looking to shift their attention elsewhere. You smile, you say yes sir and ma'am, and you never, ever, question them or challenge them or make it seem like you're looking for an apology. Never! Not unless you're trying to shift their attention, and where's there attention going to go? To us! They'll look at us and think, hey, if these folk are so worked up, maybe they shouldn't have foster kids."

"That's hardly fair," Alec tried again. "They were just trying to get to the truth."

"The truth doesn't matter!" Xander snapped, his voice cracking. "No one cares about the truth, they only care about results, and if those results mean letting a thirteen-year-old off easy, they'll take it, even if he never did what they said he did! CPS is just like the cops. Some of them might be good, but then you got the ones that hold tight to that bit of power, and if you make them mad, they have the ability to make you suffer. They'll take us just to prove they can all because you couldn't just smile and nod. Always smile and nod and never challenge!" Suddenly, he slumped back down in his chair and resumed staring at the soup. "Why can't you just let it go?" he asked, his voice wavering a little. He was angry, but also so very tired of being angry. So tired, but if there was no anger, then he'd have to look at the pain hidden deep under the layers of anger, and he didn't want to do that.
 
Dark listened, not saying a word until Xander was finished. He wondered what happened when Xander was thirteen, but felt it wasn't smart to begin his response by asking. The pause he took after Xander had finally sat down again was prolonged, "I promise neither Daizi nor myself are trying to make it worse." He inhaled deeply, resting his arms on the counter, and looked directly at the teenager, but wasn't staring him down, "I am sorry what we did upset you. Daizi and I... We are both frightened. Not just about her, but about the two of you. I think we are just as afraid of you being taken from us as you are, because you are just as much apart of our family as she is." He took a brief look at Alec, "You are. But because we are frightened, it makes us both, especially Daizi, protective, and emotions hit too hard. It is not so different from when you were yelling at Mr. Corporal over Alec all those months ago."

He sighed again, "Look. After that second visit, he called me, and he said that the reports they wrote about us are great, and that there is no way anyone would try to remove you. And, he also said that if someone tried, he and Mrs. Smith would fight against it, because they know this is a safe home."
 
Xander picked at the edges of his crust. "People expect teenagers to be loud and rude," he mumbled. "We can get away with it. Adults can't. Not fair, but that's how it is. I don't want... I don't want this to fall apart, but it is. It always does eventually. It'd be nice if you could at least get to be happy with Ivy."

Alec reached over and squeezed his arm gently. "Things have to calm down. They have to. Then we can all have a chance to be happy."
 
"It is not going to fall apart," Dark said softly, leaning forward, "Xander, it is not. We would not let that happen. It is a little tense right now, but would we be sitting here, eating grilled cheese, if we were not all completely dedicated to keeping it together?" He didn't turn his head to where Daizi was, because he didn't want to look away from the boys, his boys, but he really wished she were in the room for this, "I know that Daizi is not in here with us right now, but she cares just as much as I do about keeping everyone secure here. If you were able to hear the things she has been saying..." He furrowed his brow, "Neither of us would be happy with just her if it meant we had to lose the two of you. I mean that. And I understand if you cannot believe it, but it is true. We love Ivy, but to us, you are our children too."
 
Xander said nothing for a while, still picking at his crust. He wanted so badly to believe Dark, actually wanted it, but the part of him still held back. He knew, he knew Dark meant everything he said and would always be there as long as he was capable, but the tree of fear rooted deep in his heart would not be eradicated so easily. It had chips out of it and scars from where it had been weakened, but it still held on. Perhaps, in part, because if Xander let go of that pain and fear, he wouldn't know who he was anymore.

Finally, Xander picked up his sandwich and took another bite. "It is good grilled cheese," he admitted quietly. "Very cheesy."

"The right amount of cheesy," Alec agreed, feeling the tension ease in his brother. "It's good for sticking things and people together."
 
"I am glad you like it," Dark said, desperately wishing there was something else he could say to prove it to them. It wasn't the sort of thing you could prove through words. And it was tough, not knowing how to help them.

Daizi had been listening from the other room, and all of her adamance about refusing to let her this day be made into one where she felt bad about being obvious about how happy she was about her baby was gone. Just like she knew it would be. And Ivy was sleeping, anyway, so she stood up, lay her down in the bassinet, and carefully crept to the kitchen.

"Hey," she murmured, "How can we help? It's okay that you don't feel secure, and it's okay if you don't have an answer, but... You can think about it. We can only guess at what might help... I don't want you carrying that much fear, I want you to feel safe here, because we'd..." She hesitated. Dark knew what she was biting back, but what they didn't know was if it would help or hurt. And they didn't want to risk the latter.
 
Alec didn't look at them, keeping his head down as he picked apart the last of his crust. He didn't know what to say to Daizi or Dark. He didn't know what to do or how to respond, so he just sat.

Xander heaved a sigh and finally looked up. "I don't have an answer," he admitted. "I just wish you guys would feel safer. That you guys wouldn't be so scared."
 
"We're scared about you," Daizi said softly, leaning against the wall. It was the most she looked like herself from last December since before she told the boys she was pregnant, although older. It had been a really stressful year, "CPS is one thing. It's awful, and invasive, but... It's you two, and Ivy, and that is who I worry about, that is who I think about all day."

She came further into the kitchen and sat down, "If you want to try therapy, Xander, you can. I know you've been resistant to it before, but it's always an option. We've all been so worried about everything falling apart, but if we just sit around and not address any of it..."

"We are talking about it," Dark said, "which is a good first step, because at least we know," he did everything in his power not to look at Alec, who hadn't admitted anything like his brother had, "and if there is anything else bothering you, you can talk to us about it. If you are not ready yet, that is fine, but we will always be here for when you are. Even if you are frightened we will not be, we will. There is nothing either of you can say that would make us think any less of you, or love you any less."
 
Xander ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "I don't know," he said bluntly. "I don't know what I want. I don't know what- I just... I'm tired, okay? I'm just... tired. It'd be nice not to be tired anymore or angry." He hadn't meant to say that last part out loud. He fidgeted uncertainly. "Maybe therapy. I dunno."

Alec inched over to lean closer to Xander, putting an arm around him. He didn't say anything, just held his brother. Xander turned toward him a little his eyes still downcast and conflicted.
 
"Okay," Daizi said, her voice still gentle, "we will look into that for you. And if you decide you do not like it, or it is not helping, then you do not have to keep going."

Both she and Dark were quiet for a little while. Neither reached out to the twins, because Alec was holding Xander, and since Xander had always maintained a no-touching boundary, they decided that even now, they would not break it. If he wanted touch, it was fully in his control.

"How about you two go and rest?" Dark suggested softly, "when it is actually time for dinner, and not just a snack, we can order something in. One of us will take care of Enkidu, and I think the rest does not have to be fussed with, tonight."

"And remember, you don't have school tomorrow or Friday, for the holiday, so you've got a long weekend to just..." she took a deep breath, "relax. We're here for you, even if here for you means 'please stay away, I don't want to be bothered right now.'"
 
"Alright," Xander said quietly. He stood, gently pulling away from Alec, and trudged toward the stairs. His shoulders stooped tiredly now that he no longer had that rage to keep him bound up tight. He glanced briefly toward Dark. "Sorry."

Alec stood and moved to follow Xander then paused, not sure if he should this time.
 
"It is okay," Dark assured him, "I was never upset at you. Thank you for apologizing."

Hearing only one set of footsteps fully leave the kitchen, Daizi sat up a bit straighter, "Alec? Habibi? Are you okay?"
 
Alec actually jumped a little when Daizi addressed him. "Yeah, um, yes, I'm fine," he assured her. "Just a little... There's a lot going on." He paused and frowned. "I feel like I'm forgetting something. Something about today. Were we supposed to go somewhere or do something today?"
 
"Alec," She murmured, "It's okay to not be okay. There is a lot going on. I promise you won't hurt us by being honest." She paused, giving time for what she had said to, hopefully, sink in, and then she told him, "It's Ivy's due date, today. That's the only thing I can think of."
 
He didn't think she was right, at least not in this. How could they not be hurt if he was honest about what he was feeling? There was enough pain going around he couldn't bring himself to add to it. Things were better off as they were for now. He chose to focus on the positive. "So, Ivy's official birthday? That's wonderful! Did you know that in some cultures they start counting at conception? Or as near as they can guess, meaning when the baby is born, it's already nine months old."
 
"I did know that. You've told me that before, actually," Daizi smiled at him, holding out one hand to her son, "I've been thinking of today as Zero. We were in the negatives before, but now we can start counting to her actual milestones. Including, thankfully, we're now about three months away from her sleeping through the night. And she should be smiling before then."
 
"I forgot I told you, sorry," Alec admitted sheepishly. He stepped forward and took Daizi's hand with a gentle squeeze. "I'm sorry. We should have done something nice."
 
"No, it's okay. It was awhile ago." She squeezed Alec's hand and put her other one ontop of his, "You don't have to do anything. It's a good day. It's like..." She trailed off, still holding Alec's hand. She wished desperately that she could still be annoyed so she could let herself be proud of and loving towards and ecstatic about Ivy, but she knew Alec was hurting, and was so afraid of making it worse. She'd take the hit. So she smiled at him, as brightly as she could, "But really, it's not all that different from yesterday. Most babies aren't born on their due date anyway, even if you don't count premies."
 
Alec looked close at Daizi. He squeezed her hand gently. "It's okay to be excited," he told her. "You've been waiting for her almost as long as I've been alive. You deserve to be excited no matter what." He was about to say something more, but Daizi's phone rang.

It was Sally calling.
 
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