How Green Becomes Wood

"There... has been," Dark agreed slowly. He was a big advocate for therapy, but it still wasn't always easy for him, "Ivy was born early, which was unexpected and meant we did not really have time to... prepare. And then Daizi and I spent two weeks in the hospital with her, I was able to come home but it was not really possible for Daizi to, because she is breast feeding exclusively," He sighed, "since then, we have had CPS called on us a number of times." He took a long pause to think, remembering Sally saying Peter had noticed a change even before Ivy was born, "Before then, I did not really notice... Well, there was some trouble at school, there was this... girl, and that was right around the start of the school year. But after that seemed, to us, like it had been resolved, I had felt we had found even ground, but I might have overlooked something."

"Me too," Daizi added softly.
 
"That is a lot of burdens to carry and to juggle all at once," Mrs. Anderson said sympathetically. "As well as a rather massive life change." She turned to Alec and Xander. "Things like a new baby whether it is related to you or not and things like the CPS are certainly stressful. Do you feel like it has impacted you?"

"Of course, it's impacted us," Xander said, giving her a look that said he questioned her intelligence. "We'd have to live under a rock and be completely checked out of reality for it not to bother us. It's just, what are you going to do about it? If it was just the mini, that's rough, but whatever, it's what's important to them, and it's not her fault, but the CPS thing... that's just fu- stupid," he corrected himself. "It's stupid, but we can't do anything about it. We just need to smile and nod and ride it out until they stop. Trying to fight things like that just leads to more trouble, and I don't have time for more trouble, especially when I can't even punch it. I've reached my quote for un-punchable trouble. I'd rather we were just getting bullied at school."
 
"Yeah, it's probably a good idea not to punch CPS," Daizi lightly teased, and then waited to see if Mrs. Anderson was going to say anything before adding, more seriously, "but even CPS agrees the calls are unsubstantiated. Now, anyway. And we've been better about not arguing, right?" She didn't ask to contradict him, she wanted to show they had listened after Xander expressed this concern he had.
 
"Well, yeah," Xander mumbled, sitting back deeper into the couch.

Mrs. Anderson tipped her head slightly. "Xander, I cannot help but notice how often you glance at your foster parents when talking about the CPS and not really any other issue. Am I wrong to wonder if perhaps you might blame them on some level for the intrusion?"

"What?" Xander blurted explosively, sitting forward. "That's ridiculous! Why would I blame them for the CPS? It's not like they are going to call the agency on themselves, is it?"

"No," Mrs. Anderson agreed, "but sometimes the actions we do have unintended consequences that others might see before we do ourselves. Do you feel like that might be the case?"

"No, it's not that at all," Xander grumbled, gripping his hands tightly together. "It's not their fault that the CPS is here. They just didn't know how to handle them."

"And you do?" Mrs. Anderson asked.

Xander shifted uncomfortably. "I know how to handle authority figures. At least the ones I really don't want to get into trouble with. Like cops. You don't fight them, you don't argue with them, and you don't-" He stopped short and glared at the floor. "You don't argue and you don't... you don't shift the blame."

"To you?" Mrs. Anderson asked gently. "Another person shouldn't shift the blame to you?"

"Or to anyone who's innocent. If you done it, then you gotta do what you gotta do, but you don't blame someone who wasn't even there, even if that someone gets off on a lighter sentence," Xander stated.
 
Dark watched Xander closely, recalling how Xander had said they should've just said it was the twins had done the call and been done with it. He opened his mouth to mention it, but, uncertain, glanced at Mrs. Anderson, worried it would cause an issue if he did.

Daizi fiddled with her wedding ring. It bothered her to learn Xander had been glancing at them only when discussing CPS. She believed he was probably honest when he said he didn't think it was their fault, but she worried maybe, unconsciously... And she worried how many little glances that might of meant something she had missed.
 
"Someone has done that to you before, haven't they?" Mrs. Anderson prompted.

Xander sat in silence.

Mrs. Anderson waited.

Xander fidgeted.

Mrs. Anderson waited.

"Once," Xander finally relented. "There was this guy our mum dated. He was cool. At least, we thought he was cool." He fell silent, shuffling his feet, but when Mrs. Anderson still said nothing, he kept going. "He did something stupid. He went for a joyride in a car, shoplifted from a convenience store, and crashed the car into the side of a building. No one was hurt, no one saw him, but I guess he dropped something or something because the cops knew to knock on our door. He protested and said some stuff, and I thought maybe he was going to get away with it. Next thing I know..." Xander shifted, gripping his forearms now. "They didn't even officially charge me, but I had to work at the convenience store after school every day for a week. It wasn't bad. The work."

"But the betrayal from someone you looked up to hurt deeply," Mrs. Anderson finally said.

Xander nodded without saying anything.
 
Dark and Daizi listened quietly, also taking great care not to interrupt him. Alec had hardly said a word since they sat down, which Daizi found notable, but it wasn't her place to mention it.

After giving a gap to make sure Xander wasn't going to add anything else, Dark chose to speak up, although he was quiet, "When we were asked if we thought it was you, we did not blame you. I know that it is difficult to unlearn trauma like that, but..." He trailed off, not entirely certain it was helping.

"How old were you?" Daizi asked.
 
"Thirteen," Xander mumbled. He lifted one shoulder and tried to force himself to relax and shake it off. "I mean, it wasn't so bad. He was gone pretty quick after that. They were paying rent together on an apartment, so our Mum, she actually waited two weeks before kicking him out right after he helped pay that month's rent. He wasn't too happy about it, but he couldn't really argue after what he'd done." He cleared his throat and tossed a hand toward Dark. "I knew you wouldn't really blame us, not really. You're not him, after all, right?"

"No, he is not your mother's ex-boyfriend," Mrs. Anderson agreed after a moment. "He does represent a similar role in your life as that man, though, so it is understandable if you are fearful that history will repeat itself. Primal emotions like that do not always respond well to logic. They are a perfectly understandable response to try to keep yourself safe from a similar pain. Eventually, you may be able to heal that wound, but you cannot heal something if you refuse to acknowledge its existence, can you?"

Xander shifted uncomfortably but finally nodded. "Yeah. I guess you're right," he mumbled. He glanced toward Dark. "Sorry I compare you to a scumbag. I don't mean to."
 
Dark held up his hand, "I have been compared to worse, I assure you." Then, dropping it and leaning in a bit, confided, "You are not the first one to have transferred those sorts of feelings onto someone else. I still have that issue, sometimes."

"I just can't believe a cop would believe that," Daizi said, upset on Xander's behalf, "I mean, I guess I'm not surprised, but..."
 
"It's alright," Xander assured her, strangely touched even while uncomfortable that she would be upset for him. "It was a long time ago."

Mrs. Anderson tipped her head slightly. "Alec. I've noticed you have been quiet. Is there anything you would like to add to the conversation?"

Alec flinched and glanced between Mrs. Anderson, Dark, and Daizi. "Um. No, no, thank you. I am fine."
 
Hearing Alec say that made Daizi look a little pained. Her one fear about this was it wouldn't help, that they'd talk and talk and nothing would happen. Very gently, she said, "We're here to talk, habibi."
 
"But I'm fine," Alec insisted. "There is nothing I want to talk about."

Mrs. Anderson tapped her leg soundlessly with the tips of her fingers. "Is there something you do not want to talk about? Something that you are holding back? You don't have to tell us what it is, I just want to know if there is something."

Alec hesitated a beat too long. "No," he said. "There's nothing."

She studied his face, her own an unreadable but calm mask. "Is it because your brother is here? Or perhaps because of your parents?"

"They aren't my parents," Alec snapped. He blanched as soon as the words left his mouth and he looked away, horrified that they had escaped.
 
That was enough to make even Dark look hurt. Somehow, even though Daizi's expression was a lot more obvious, somehow they both looked equally devastated. She surprised herself by not immediately crying, but she was also too shocked to change where she was facing.

Neither of them said a word, but Dark stopped rocking Ivy with his foot, and stared down at that one annoying blank space on his wrist.
 
"I apologize," Mrs. Anderson said gently. "I was out of line to refer to them that way without your indication that it was alright. Would you prefer-"

"It doesn't matter what I prefer," Alec said sharply, his breathing coming harder as he tried to control himself. "It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters, Alec. You might not always get what you prefer, but it matters that you have a preference," Mrs. Anderson encouraged gently. "Why do you think that it does not matter? Has someone given you a reason to believe that way?"

Alec flushed and didn't answer at first. "Yes," he finally admitted. "They did, and... and I realized that as much as everyone involved might want it otherwise, I'll never be a part of this family. They," he indicated Dark, Daizi, and Ivy, "are the family. Maybe even Xander. But not me."
 
Daizi felt her heart flutter rapidly in her chest and she sweat. The whole ground felt fall away from beneath her, and she stuck her hand out to Dark who, not looking, had also been reaching for her. They fumbled for each other and then squeezed tightly. His expression remained pained, feeling destroyed and frozen to the spot. He didn't move. The way Alec had gestured to them felt like he was being cut open.

Instead of yelling, or crying, or leaving, Dark took a deep breath, which did tremble, and in a low voice asked, "How did we make you feel that way?"
 
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Alec hunkered down into the couch, not looking at Dark and Daizi. After a minute, he reached out and found Xander's hand. Xander gripped him back tightly as they held onto each other not too dissimilarly to how Dark and Daizi were sitting. Mrs. Anderson said nothing, letting the silence stretch out and giving Alec space to answer.

At last, Alec started to speak again. "You don't want us - me - to call you our mother," he said softly. "You don't want that. If you don't want it, then... then Dark must feel that even more so. We aren't like you. We don't have your culture, your customs, your language. We - I - tried to connect, tried to learn at least a little bit since there's no way we could ever be like an actual native, but... you don't want it. You allow us so much and try to make us comfortable and even get the food we like, but... you don't really want us. I'm sorry I'm not better at being what you want. I'm sorry I'm not a better person so that I could be a better son, but... I can't. I can't reach that far in your direction, and I guess you can't reach that far in mine, and I don't think it's fair to ask you to when you're already stretched so thin. I just... think it's best if maybe we don't even try."
 
"I never said that," Daizi replied, shocked and quiet, "I never said you don't want me to call me that." Her heart beat quicker and she was shocked that her breathing wasn't ragged. It was her fault, she had done something and it was her fault. And she hadn't even known it. She hadn't even known.

"We do not care that you are not from the same culture," Dark added, feeling shredded with every word Alec said, "Daizi and I are not even from the same culture. It is similar, but not the same, and our language is not the same, and we do not care that you are not from ours." For the first time since knowing him, he seemed almost animated, "Ivy will not be from the same culture as us, either, and Cooger is not, that does not matter to us."
 
"It does matter to you!" Alec said fiercely, almost looking at Dark but not able to meet his eyes. "It does! What matters most is that Ivy knows your heritages, that she can speak the language, that she knows the right words, that she calls you by the right name. You're worried we're going to mess that up, that Ivy will have less because of us. You're worried that she'll call you the wrong names and not know how to be bilingual. Because of us." He took a ragged breath. "Ivy comes first. Getting Ivy's education comes first. I wish you'd stop pretending otherwise."
 
"We would teach you Arabic," Dark replied quietly, while Daizi sat silent by his side. She felt like she wanted to scream, but couldn't scream, because she found it difficult to breathe. "We have offered before, awhile ago, before... her, but at the time you did not seem interested," He took a long pause to assemble his thoughts, "And we did not want to force it on you, I did not want you to think in order to be accepted by us you had to be like us." He took another shaking breath, squeezing his wrist with his opposite hand, "I am sorry we made you feel excluded, we were only trying to..." He furrowed his brows and shut his eyes, squeezing his wrist tighter, trying to think everything through the shock of all of it. He didn't understand what Alec meant by 'call them by the right names' and was struggling to arrange his thoughts. He did admit, "Yes, it matters to us that Ivy grows up to be bilingual, we want her to feel connected to her ethnicity, I know how isolating it is to be separated from it, but that does not mean, it has nothing to do with..."

"I'm sorry," Daizi managed to say in a frail, pained voice like a wounded rabbit. Her worst nightmare was hurting one of her children, but she had. She had hurt them. "I'm sorry."
 
Mrs. Anderson gave them a moment before speaking. "Thank you for your honesty, Alec, I know saying something like that is quite painful, but it is better than hiding the truth. Can you tell me, when you first arrived in their home and started becoming accustomed to them, was their use of a second language or specific cultural activities something that made you feel isolated?"

Alec shook his head, not looking at Dark or Daizi. His heart hurt so badly now. He wished he'd never come. "No," he said, remembering to speak allowed. "Well, yes, a little, but it wasn't any more or less disconcerting than going to an English-speaking house where they did things differently. I'm used to not feeling like I fit in. That faded with Dark and Daizi, but... I wanted to learn Arabic to make them happy, to show I was interested, not to try to be like them. At least, not at first. Maybe some later on."

"I see. So what was the difference when they spoke about Ivy with the use of Arabic?"

Alec fidgeted, holding Xander's hand tight with one hand and picking at the edge of a couch cushion with the other. "When I realized how important it was to them that Ivy like them and not like us," he said at last. "It's not a very good way to put it, but what I mean is... Daizi would rather I not call her anything at all than let me call her my word."

"Your word?" Mrs. Anderson pushed gently.

"I wanted... we wanted... to call her our Mum. She said no. She said... she said Mama. So that Ivy would call her that. But Mama... that's not what it doesn't..." He faltered a little.

"It's not the word you associate with a motherly figure?" Mrs. Anderson suggested. "Mum is the word that to you means a mother on a personal level, but Mama does not mean that to you?"

Alec nodded mutely. "Yeah," he finally managed to get out.
 
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