How Green Becomes Wood

"It is difficult to advise you without context." Dark told him calmly. "I do not think you have been acting worse at home. More reserved, perhaps, but if you have been upset or bothered, I cannot fault you for that. I would not regardless, some people need or prefer being alone. I do not know how you are elsewhere."
 
Xander tugged at a stubborn weed, but he wasn't really paying attention to it. He pulled on it lightly, getting absolutely nowhere as he thought. Finally, he admitted, "I snapped at Milo. The kid's really fancy eggs, you know? Or fine china. He cracks just like that. Said I was vindictive. I don't think I was - not sure I know what the word means - but I know I hurt him. Didn't mean to. He said he forgives me, but... I don't think he did for real."
 
"Why did you snap at him? If you know," Dark asked, sitting back and letting Xander tug mildly at the weeds. He didn't want to finish up this section and have Xander decide to just go inside, and also wanted to keep giving him something to focus on, "And did you apologize? Besides giving him a present?"
 
Xander blew out a breath and picked off the leaves of a weed. "I wasn't feeling so good. Stressed and stuff. I went somewhere I thought I'd be alone, but then he was there. He was talking about stuff, kind of criticized something, and, I mean, he wasn't wrong, but, you know, bad time. Then he asked me some questions like why I was stressed. Didn't mean anything by it, but I wasn't... Wrong headspace for it, and I was mad at him because I've been trying to be friendly. I'm not good at it, but I was trying, and then, poof!" He yanked out the weed dramatically at the word. "There he is suddenly being friendly. And I was mad at that."
 
"You were mad that he was being friendly because you had been trying to be friendly?" Dark asked, trying to clarify. "You wanted to be alone, but learned you were not, shared his opinion at a bad time, tried to learn why you were stressed, and that is what upset you?"
 
Xander shrugged and didn't answer for two more weeds. "Guess 'cause it didn't feel like a result of what I did. It was him just waltzing up after constantly shoving me away. Except that's how it's supposed to work, right? But it irritated me. I don't know why."
 
"What made you feel like he was shoving you away?" Again he reached into the dirt and pulled out some more weeds. At the very least Daizi would be pleased, she had found it difficult to keep the garden tidy while also keeping Ivy properly cared for.
 
There weren't any more weeds in his area. He glanced around and spotted another patch not far away. After a few scoots, he settled down next to the new patch, pretending like he hadn't also used the time to think over Dark's question. "Most of the time, it's me hunting him down. I guess he hasn't made it that hard recently, but it's still not easy to actually spend time with him. Any kind of time. When you do, he acts like there's somewhere else he wants to be."

Granted, part of that was possibly his paranoia and trying to avoid bullies, but Xander couldn't shake the feeling Milo just didn't want to be around him. He could accept that, except for the fact that then he'd invited them over to his house. It might have been because they were the only people he ever talked to, but maybe he was actually trying to be a friend? Maybe?

Xander shook his head. "And he doesn't tell you anything about himself. Anything. Except I think his favorite color is silver? Or something? We had a weird conversation about colors, and he mentioned something about Chicago, too. I mean, a guy's got his right to privacy, sure, but even people like you and me, we'd eventually tell somebody something about ourselves voluntarily and without being asked if we felt comfortable, right? Or like being friends. I don't feel like I know him any better now than I did back when I first met him. He likes candid photography, he's been to Chicago, he might like silver, and he and his mum move around a lot for some reason."
 
Dark pushed himself up and stretched before joining Xander at the next patch, "That is complicated, and I am sorry for it. Although I do not think you should conflate who I am now with who I was then. It is more difficult for some people to be comfortable saying anything, depending on what they have experienced. And if he does move around a lot, it is possible he is wary of sharing anything about his life because he has to repeat it so often. But I do not know him at all. If it bothers you, though, you could mention it to him. People do not know they are doing something which bothers you unless you tell them."
 
"Could try that, but what if he then thinks I'm just trying to be mean to him? Or that I'm fishing for something to hurt him with?" Xander had been called vindictive once. That had hurt. A lot. He wasn't eager to put himself in a position where someone he liked would call him that again. "And what if he thinks I'm trying to be critical of him and blames himself?"
 
"You cannot control how others respond to you." Dark replied, briefly actually looking at Xander. Then he looked back at the weeds and pulled more, "Sometimes, if you want a deeper relationship with someone, you have to be the one to initiate it. And it is not easy or comfortable to say, 'I want to know more about you,' or ask, 'why do you never speak about yourself?' but if it bothers you that he does not let you in, it is better to express that problem and work to resolve it than it is to stay silent and hope things change on their own."
 
Xander plucked idly at a tiny weed. "Yeah, but maybe it's better to not bother. That's what he seems to think. He's always focused on not being here for long and not making memories or something like that. So why bother cultivating a friendship between someone who's waiting to leave and someone who doesn't know how to be friends? Sounds like a disaster."
 
"Is the bother worth it to you?" Dark asked, pulling out some weeds and frowning as loose dirt left a stain as he brushed it off his pants, "and were you interested in making friendships when your life was still chaotic? Or was that something that began to interest you after your life was settled and you did not need to worry about food anymore?"
 
Xander lifted one shoulder in a shrug. He was out of weeds again. He looked away, seeking something else to do. "Dunno. Wasn't ever interested until recently, I guess. Friends just got you hurt or hurt you. Sometimes not on purpose. Not always. But if he's still suspecting I'm going to hurt him again, what kind of a friendship is that?"
 
"What I'm asking," Dark asked as he got up to get a trashbag from his shed, "is do you think, maybe, he has not reached the point you have? So he has his walls still built higher than you have lowered yours to? So he may need more time." He handed the small bag to Xander and began gathering up the pulled weeds, "I do not need to tell you it takes a lot of work to unlearn expecting to be hurt. When you first began making friends with Sloan, how long did it take you to understand she was not going to hurt you?"
 
Xander picked up the weeds, shoving them into the bag. "A while. I guess... I'm used to being the one who needed dealt with, not being the one trying to deal with someone else. I get walks and stuff, I do, but I don't see him ever forgiving me."
 
"I guess so." At least, in his way he had. Was it good enough? Was he supposed to grovel? Even if he was in the wrong, he didn't think he liked the idea of groveling. Xander shifted uncomfortably and took the bag to toss its contents on the compost heap. "Does it really matter? I broke his trust, he's not going to give it back, and he's just going to focus even more on the fact that he's leaving and be happy about it. He has no reason to be friendly to me except maybe to try to get his grandparents to be less unhappy about him being friendless."
 
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