How Green Becomes Wood

Sloan sighed, scrunched her face up, "It's not that--I mean, I didn't expect it to happen tonight, you know? I didn't go to the party anticipating it, but I guess I wasn't---surprised, when it did, because I know not all people are good people, and I dealt with it, you know, I turned around and taught him a lesson--" She rubbed her face, smudging her makeup, "And I just. I don't know. I'm a little bit drunk, and I'm embarrassed about all of it."
 
"I know, I know. I understand what you mean," Alec said gently, rubbing her shoulder. "But the thing is, you're here to be embarrassed. It's okay to make mistakes. That's how we learn. But you were smart. You saw you were where you didn't want to be, you called for help. There's nothing to be embarrassed about that."
 
"Yeah, but..." Sloan tried to explain but was really struggling to figure out how to express what she was feeling, "Can you imagine showing up drunk to your history teacher's house? And I know that's kind of an ironic question because you were adopted by your history teacher, but at least you were sober, and I'm not even drunk enough to black out, and I just know that I'm not good at being what they want me to be, and I'm also not good at rebelling."
 
"That's because you're not supposed to be what they want you to be, and you're not supposed to be a rebel, doofus," Xander said blandly. "You're supposed to be you. Whatever that means. You're not supposed to know that, either. You're supposed to figure it out, and part of figuring it out is doing a terrible job at rebelling and then showing up tipsy at your history teacher's house because it's safe here. At least you did a better job at rebelling than Alec."

"True," Alec admitted. "I just let a girl be bossy and later tried to squish some pieces of wood into the dirt. Not very riveting stuff."

"It is pretty embarrassing, but there's a hell of a lot worse than just being embarrassed. Not that that's much help right now, or tomorrow, or even next week, but maybe in a month from now," Xander shrugged.
 
"Squish pieces of wood...?" Sloan asked, confused, pulling the blanket more tightly around her. She was struggling to decide if any of this was helping or not. It was comforting to know she had people to support her when things went wrong, but at the same time, she found herself looking around at this gothic house, and her friends who were allowed to wear whatever they wanted, and were allowed to experiment, and she couldn't help but feel like they just didn't get it. They tried to, but for everything they had been through, they hadn't, at least to her knowledge, ever been expected to be perfect. Everything that happened tonight was just a symptom of something she didn't know how to fix, even the embarrassment was just part of it, and she didn't have the vocabulary to express it.
 
"You've got someone sitting on your shoulder and in your head all the time telling you, 'do this, don't do that, go here, think this way,' right?" Xander asked quietly. "I get it, especially that other bit in your head that everytime she says, 'do this,' the other bit says, 'why not do the complete opposite?' And the bit that's you is stuck in the middle screaming into the void and just wants to be... you. Right?"
 
Tears sprang to her eyes again so she shut them, trying to force them away, "I'm not allowed to be," She said, "I've never been allowed to be, and I'm tired and I'm angry, and I can't breathe, pretty much ever, and I thought, tonight, I'd just feel normal. Actually normal, not just pretending."
 
"Except you were still pretending, weren't you?" Alec asked her gently. "And things didn't go according to plan, or at least, how you hoped." He squeezed her shoulder. "You can breathe with us. You may be stuck trying to follow your mom's rules for now, but you are nearly free. Until then, you have us. I know we're not much, but whenever you're around us, you can be you."

Xander nodded. "We're not much, but maybe we could have been more help. Maybe... maybe we... one of us... should have gone with you tonight."
 
"I just wanted to dance," She murmured, "I don't know how I'm pretending when I just wanted to dance, and I know I wouldn't have been allowed to go if I had told my parents, so my only option was to sneak out, and it did feel nice to make a choice that wasn't what they want for me, and I don't know how to be. And I feel stupid whining about it." She sniffed, wiping her face with the heels of her hands, "And you wouldn't have liked it, that's why you didn't go. I thought I was going to. And I might've, if it weren't for all of it."
 
"Then we'll take you dancing sometime," Alec told her. "It's not stupid. It's important to you. All of this is. How could it be stupid? I know you don't know how to be, and that's okay. It's not something we can figure out in one night, is it? So, here's what we'll do for tonight: I'm going to take you up to the bathroom where you can clean up and get feeling fresh and then change into something more comfortable. Then, you can crash out and sleep. Things will look better tomorrow. Oh, but first, I need to figure out what you're wearing. I'll be right back, okay?"

Alec stood and headed upstairs, leaving Sloan alone with Xander. He did intend to find her something to wear, but more importantly, he needed to find Daizi.
 
Upstairs, Dark caught Alec in the hallway, and in a hushed tone asked, "Do you have a t-shirt and pajama pants she can sleep in? I think you are probably the closest to her size; we were going to loan her some of Daizi's pajamas, but she always sleeps in my shirts, and I cannot give Sloan one of my shirts to sleep in." There were, of course, more pressing issues, and more serious discussions he wanted to have, but this was not the right time. At the moment, it was far, far more important to make sure the teen girl on his couch had something comfortable to wear.
 
Alec nodded quickly. "She can have mine," he said, his voice soft but tight. "Where's Daizi? We really need her." He actually wrung his hands, something he didn't think anyone outside of the movies did, and hissed nervously, "We're 16-year-old boys who've never had strict parents. We have no idea what we're doing, and I'm pretty sure we're making it worse! We need a mother!"
 
"Okay," Dark said, resting his hand on Alec's shoulder to try to settle him, "I will get her. Right now, just get pajamas for her and makeup remover, okay?" He sighed and ran his hand over his face before going back into his bedroom, where Daizi was still sorting through her clothes, trying to find something what worked.

"My cloth shirts might fit? They have a draw string," Daizi was saying, sitting on their floor, "Some of my maternity shirts are fine to sleep in. A little awkward, maybe."

"Alec is loaning her his pajamas," Dark said, reaching out a hand to help her up off the floor. "But he thinks you need to go talk to her beause you have the most experience with how she is feeling."

Daizi first nodded along with him, but then hesitated, "Is he sure? I mean, obviously, yes, I have more exprience with this than any of you, because your strict parents were... different, than what the two of us have, but... I don't know how thrilling a concept it is to talk about your problems with your friends' mom is."

"I only know Alec is about to fall apart not knowing how to fix it," Dark told her, and so Daizi took a breath and hoped she hadn't made it worse by leaving (having supposed it would be easier for Sloan to talk and process without fear of what adults would think or say) and hoped she wouldn't make it worse by engaging again.

When she came back into the living room, she said, "Alec is going to let you borrow some of his pajamas, okay? Can I get you anything?"

Sloan shook her head, "...no, I'm okay... thank you."

"Is it okay if I sit?"
 
Alec went through his things and quickly found his most comfortable shirt - a rather ugly brown thing, but it was soft as a downy blanket and reached to his thighs - and a pair of pajama pants that had geometric shapes on them. They should be comfortable, he hoped, and the drawstring would definitely make them small enough. Makeup remover came next, and he also found the new toothbrushes still in their packages. That might help. He headed back downstairs, moving slow so he wouldn't interrupt anything.

Xander stood and collected the empty mugs. "I'm going to wash these and get you some water. I'll be back in a minute."
 
When there was no objection to her having a seat, Daizi sat down on the opposite couch to Sloan, so she was nearby but not in her space, and she did not speak first. When the silence became too much, which didn't take very long, Sloan said, "I'm really sorry."

"You aren't in trouble with us, Sloan," Daizi told her, "You don't have to apologize to me. I promise I have done worse than you have."
 
Alec came in with the pajamas and the makeup cleaner. He glanced between Daizi and Sloan, hoping that Daizi, being the amazingly magically healing person she was, would be able to help Sloan. "Here. I hope they fit well enough for you, and here's some cleanser and a new toothbrush."
 
"Thanks," Sloan said, taking the bundle from him.

Daizi explained the location of the bathroom to him and then said, "You don't have to change now, if you don't want to, but it might make you more comfortable."

Sloan nodded and prepared to get up, but then bit her lip and couldn't help but say, "I think my mom is going to kill me."

"She is not going to kill you." Daizi assured her calmly. Understanding completely how Sloan felt, she almost wanted to laugh lightly when she spoke, but knowing where Sloan was at, she refrained.

"I made every bad choice that I could have made," Sloan protested, gripping the clothing more tightly, and then took a breath like she was trying to stop herself from speaking at all.

"I know it seems that way. But when you felt like you needed to leave, you had someone come and get you, you didn't decide to drive, and really... You snuck out to a party. There are a million worse things you could've chosen to done, but didn't. I bet your mom will be mad, but parents like yours are always mad at something, right?"
 
"She might not even find out," Alec added. "Well, probably, but maybe not, and even if she is mad, she'll also be glad that you did the safe thing when you needed out, right? It might not have been a good idea, but it could have been so, so much worse, and you made the right choice."

"There were a couple of other bad choices you could have made," Xander remarked, coming in with a cup of water. "You could have deliberately done drugs or made the kind of choice that brought us into existence." He indicated himself and his brother.
 
Sloan looked over at Xander at his comment and wiped her face again, "I don't think I'm really at risk of that." Then the froze and turned back hurriedly to Daizi, waving her hands even though Daizi couldn't see, "Because I don't---I know that abstinence is the only sure-fire way to prevent pregnancy, and I believe in that, so-"

"It's okay," Daizi said, this time allowing herself to lightly chuckle at her reaction, "What ever reason you have for not being at risk of an unwanted pregnancy is yours, and I'm not going to fault you or hold it against you."

"...You don't know that," Sloan mumbled, looking away.

"I do. I can promise you, Sloan, I have caused enough of my own father's grey hairs to judge others. And not everything about someone even deserves judgement."
 
"That's what I keep saying, that not everything is everyone's business, but no one seems to believe me," Xander grumbled. He brought the water over to Sloan and held it out to her. He looked her right in the eyes, not something he was fond of doing, and said, "Of all the people you can trust with anything, it's Daizi." He pulled away, turning back toward his corner chair. "And it totally didn't take me several months to figure that out. And I totally don't still need reminders from time to time."

"Totally," Alec agreed mildly.
 
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