How Green Becomes Wood

"Soulmates aren't just lovers." Daizi said gently, "The world is scary, and there is a lot to fear. But what does it bring you? Sitting anxiously for hours? It's healthy to worry, and I don't think anyone would tell you to just stop. But does it ever help you to feel better, worrying the entire time he's gone? And I'm not sure it's true you have nothing stable to cling to."
 
He blushed, realizing he'd accidentally said that Daizi and Dark were not as good as his brother as far as stability went. At least it seemed as though she hadn't been offended. "I mean... I suppose it's not true, no, it's just..." He floundered, trying to find a way to talk about it, still turning his book around in his hands. "It's not the same," he finally concluded lamely. "When I try to... to find stability elsewhere, it feels like walking into a room that's familiar, but all the furniture has been moved just ever so slightly. It's unsettling. I know..." He took a deep breath, not looking at Daizi. "I know I shouldn't worry this much about Xander. I know I shouldn't be so... dependent on him. But I can't help it. I'm better now than I used to be, I think, but I just can't... I can't not know where he is."

It was true they'd both gotten better at being apart. They even separated sometimes at school where once upon a time it took a crowbar to get them apart, and Alec was usually okay with Xander going places without him, but it was still difficult. Xander had managed to learn a certain amount of independence, though Alec was still the first person he looked for any time he entered a room. Alec was still having trouble. He sometimes went to Judo with Xander just to watch. If Xander was out in his workshop for too long, Alec would go and check on him. Alec never volunteered to go places without Xander. He still took all his cues from his twin,and he couldn't imagine the future as anything other than what it was right now.
 
She had meant herself, Dark, and their home, but it wasn't all she meant, "You have stability with him even when he is not around, too," she pointed out, "You know that he's healthy. And you know he's not going to back up and move without you. The sun still exists at night, we just have to have faith it will rise again tomorrow. I understand the fear, and I understand not being able to just switch off the worries, and there's nothing any person can say to make it so you're comfortable with him being away from you, at least not immediately, because it takes time, and it takes work. But you aren't alone in it. Does keeping the worry secret help?"
 
"Eh," Alec made an uncertain movement with his hand even if Daizi couldn't see it. "Kind of. Maybe. No, not really. I don't know that it makes it worse, but I'm just..." He flushed again and looked away. "I'm embarrassed by it," he finally admitted.
 
He wasn't quite sure how to react to that. When she put it like that, it sounded reasonable. "Well, not necessarily quite like that. I mean, that's not how I think of it. I guess it is, in a way, but what's bad, to me is... well, I feel like... we aren't..." He peetered off, at a loss. He wanted to say, "I know we aren't living our best lives this way," but he couldn't bring himself to say the words.
 
She was wise, often, but not a mind reader, so although she could guess a million possible conclusions to his unfinished sentence, she wasn't going to guess at the most likely one. Instead, after giving a few moments to let his words settle, and see if he would say something else about it, she asked, "Have you spoken to him at all about it?"
 
"Why not?" Daizi asked, although she could guess the why in his quizzical tone, "Sometimes, talking about a problem like that can help you manage it. And, eventually, the way you manage it will change."
 
Alec rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't really know how... or how to even bring it up. I guess you could be right, it's just such an odd thing to talk about. He's doing fine."
 
"He might be," Daizi agreed, "or that may be your perception of it. But I'm not sure if that matters, habibi. You are having a problem. Relationships take work, and they take communication. Even if you share all of your DNA. Would it do harm to say you worry about him perhaps too much?"
 
" Then you tell him that it isn't. Begin the conversation explaining he has not done anything wrong to set the tone and expectations." Daizi told him, her tone both serious and gentle, "he loves you and he is a good person, I do not think he will take offense. And if you think it would help, I would be glad to help mediate. I'm certain Dark would too---Or, you could have the conversation, together, with your therapist. And those options remain open even if you talk on your own, first, but then decide there's a little more that needs doing. Or a lot more, or a medium amount more. Alec," she spoke sweetly, reaching out to touch his shoulder, "You have so many people who support you. And neither you nor Xander have done anything wrong, you're just in a safe enough of a place to be able to breathe and talk things through. And I know that on its own can be really hard, and terrifying."
 
Alec said nothing, overwhelmed by the kindness wrapping around him, gently telling him that his fear was not irrational, was not embarrassing, was not ridiculous or childish. That it was okay to feel however he wanted to feel. That his feelings were valid. They needed to be addressed, but that didn't mean they were wrong. Addressing them meant better things, healthier things.

He stepped closer to Daizi and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly. He wasn't as small as he had been when he'd first arrived, but he still felt safe and secure in her arms.
 
Immediately, Daizi hugged him tight and pulled him in as closely as she could. Being tall had never been a particular pressing issue in her life, amongst everything else people noticed about her, it had never seemed all that relevant. And, she fell in love with a giant, so, except for the four years they were apart, she hadn't needed to deal with insecure men. Still, the few rare moments where she faced some uncomfortable moment or rude comment didn't seem to matter at all when she was holding her son with her cheek against his head. It was impossible to tell how tall he'd end up growing, but while he was still smaller than her, she'd cherish it.

"Ana Bahebak, habibi," Daizi murmured, rubbing his back and committing to not pulling away until he did.
 
Alec soaked in Daizi's love for as long as felt comfortable, treasuring that connection with her. At times, he did still miss his own mother for all her faults and issues, but here with Daizi, he did not feel the absence of motherly love. She didn't replace his mother. She had her own space in his heart, a second mother, different but just as loved and as loving.

Finally, he pulled away and smiled up at Daizi. "Thank you," he said softly, "for always coming to find me wherever I am. Emotionally speaking, I mean."
 
"I know, but I think it's important for you to know that your efforts are appreciated and not taken for granted," Alec told her with a little smile. "I should probably get downstairs, though. Baba is going to wonder why it's taking me so long to find a bookmark and if I've abandoned him."
 
"I appreciate that," Daizi replied, taking a breath, "and I am sure he is not too concerned, it is not unbelievable that we met in the hall and started chatting. But I should probably go downstairs too, the hallway is only so big."
 
"This is true," Alec smiled. He left the book on Xander's bed and followed Daizi out into the hall and started down the stairs. "The way we meet and chat amongst our own family members, it's like running into friends at the store."
 
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