How Green Becomes Wood

"Do you really think so little of me?" Dark asked, expression unchanging. "Do you really think so little of her? Xander, what you did was awful. It was an awful thing. But it was an accident. And we both know that, but rather than you talking with us, you decided how we were going to be, and you left. I think your mother and I deserve a bit more credit than that, and I think you should at least acknowledge how selfish it is that rather than apologizing to her, you walked out on her, and now she does not even get to be part of this conversation."

~~

She fixed her shirt and shrugged, "His biological father's brother decided to introduce himself. That's the only thing that's changed, but that was... All of this didn't start until after we got home from vacation. At least, that's how it felt, I don't know if it was bubbling under the surface before then, but he was great while we were away."
 
Xander shifted from one foot to the other, his eyes darting back and forth. "Maybe it was selfish. Maybe I should have stayed."

"That's what I said, but I guess it's different when it's said in a deep Arabic voice like the sands of time," Alec grumbled quietly.

Xander didn't hear and would have ignored him anyway. "But you're not the blind one. You saw how she looked at me! Or whatever. You saw it! You saw how she looked! She was so scared!"

~~

"They have a biological uncle?" Sally asked in surprise. "That would cause a bit of a stir."
 
"Of course she was scared." Dark said forcefully, furrowing his heavy eyebrows, "She had no idea who you were. You never said a word to her before you swung, you could have been anyone. And of course you were scared. But you did not try to make any of it right. You did not try to fix things. You just ran away. Did you think about how Daizi would feel when she realized you were gone after she--understandably--asked for space? I know what it is like to be so caught up in your emotions to not be able to think about anything else but saving yourself, I understand that, but we are so beyond the point where you get to decide when we are not a family anymore. We are past the point where you are allowed to say, I guess it is not working out, I am leaving. Okay? Do you think when Ivy is sixteen she will be able to just decide to get up and leave? Why should you be any different? You and Alec and Daizi and I have had more chances than anyone typically gets to choose their family. But we have chosen, and you do not get to walk back on that anytime it is too difficult to come to terms with the things you have done."

~~

"I guess they have a few, and a paternal aunt, but only this uncle wants to meet them. The rest, from what I understand, don't even know they exist, which their uncle says is for the best." Daizi rubbed the back of their neck, "The paternal aunt doesn't have anything to do with the rest of the family. And Alec was hired at the Uncle's flower shop, today, actually... Cooger has been hired by him a few times, so we know a bit more about how he is behind closed doors, which is why we allowed it."
 
Xander let out a half-scream, half-growl of frustration and grabbed at his hair, pulling it roughly as he paced a quick circle, needing to move. Inadvertently, the circle brought him closer to Dark. "Family doesn't hit family! Family doesn't hurt family like that whether you're born into it or not! She told me to leave! And she should have! Of course I'm not going to stick around and try to make excuses! I did what I did! I know what I did! I can't rewind time and undo it! It's stuck! It's always stuck no matter what anyone says or does!"

~~

"That's a bit of good news," Sally said encouragingly. "Very good news! It sounds as though Alec is getting along well with him, then." She hesitated, tapping the side of her cup. "If there was anything festering beneath the surface for Xander before, could that be what brought all this up? His position threatened by this new uncle?"
 
"Do you think I do not know that?" Dark asked gravely, taking one step nearer to Xander, looking him directly in the eyes, "Do you think I do not know that? Do you think I would be standing here if I did not know it was an accident? If I thought that was who you were? That you just punched her because you wanted to, because you could, because she is not as strong as you?"

~~

"Maybe. It's the closest answer I have. He's in therapy, and I know that can bring things up too, because therapy is all about how the only way out is through. But... If this is what going through means? I forgive him, I really do, and I don't care if I should or not, but you heard of his heard the way he said my name, after. I was too worked up to register it at the time, but I can hear it now. So I forgive him, but that doesn't mean I'm okay with it. What if it happens again? What if it's Ivy who startles him? It was an accident, and I forgive him, but what if it only gets worse from here? What if this isn't the bottom?"
 
"I don't... I don't... I can't..." Xander stammered. He shook his head, rubbing his arms hard and shifting again. "Just because I didn't mean to doesn't change that it happened!" he shouted. "Stop just forgiving me! Stop treating me like I'm some stupid little puppy who peed on the rug! I hurt her! What if I do it again? How many times are you going to let me hurt your wife? Or are you okay with that?"

~~

Sally didn't have an answer. She sipped her tea thoughtfully. This wasn't in her usual wheelhouse, but she was a problem solver, naturally. "For now, don't leave him unattended with Ivy. I doubt you do that already considering he doesn't like touch, but tell Dark and Alec to be especially aware if it seems he has spaced out and Ivy desires to crawl to him," she suggested carefully. "I know this is not optimal, but perhaps you should wear a bell, too, to announce where you are at all times in a very loud way. It is not at all sustainable, but perhaps it will work until he sorts himself out. If it's not the bottom..." She pinched her lips tightly. "Then I suppose you will deal with that when you get there. Dark is not working right now. He can... babysit... Xander if need be."
 
Dark did not blink and still did not yell, "This. This is what I am talking about. You feel threatened, because things are not going the way you thought they would, so you are lashing out. Do you really think I would be okay with somebody hurting her? Do you think I would be okay with someone abusing someone I love? Or do you know what I have been through and you are using it against me, so that I will yell at you? To get me to treat you the way you think you deserve to be treated? Because I am not going to do that." He pressed one finger against his own chest, "I deserve more than that. I have not survived everything I have for you to imply that about me. Do you really want to be punished, Xander? Fine. Your punishment is my forgiveness. Your punishment is knowing that even after that, I love you, and believe you can do better. That I believe you can put in the work to make sure this is only a one time thing. You ran away because you thought nobody would forgive you, but I have. So what are you going to do?"

~~

Daizi sighed, taking a slow sip of tea, knowing Sally was right, or at least more right. But it was so hard to talk about, "I really hope he finds them tonight."
 
Emotions flooded through Xander until it felt like they had clogged his mind. He felt so much it got to the point of a continuous buzz inside and out. He clamped both hands over his ears, trying to find a center and a balance in the middle of the storm. Pain. Fear. Regret. Love. Terror. Guilt. Sadness. It was too much! It was all just too much! He wanted to go back to when life was simple survival. There was no time or energy to deal with deeper things when stuck on survival mode. There was only moving forward. Moving away. Now, there was nowhere to run. No way to escape. He had to face it. He couldn't face it! No!

"Stop!" He screamed. "Stop! I don't want you to forgive! I don't want this!" He was trapped! He needed to get out! He lashed out violently at Dark.

Alec let out a strangled yelp of shock.

~~

"He will. Of that, I have no doubt," Sally promised her. "Alec is not upset, which means he'll be thinking more clearly than his brother and will find a way to contact you." She hoped.
 
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First, Dark just stepped back, trying to grab Xander's hands to stop him from hitting them, but then simply grabbed him by the back of his shirt and held slightly up, and out of distance. If anything the teen had done had hurt, he'd find out later, but he couldn't feel it just then. "Xander. Stop it." He commanded, far quieter yet more forceful than he ever was, "Your mental health is not your fault, but is your responsibility. So take responsibility. You want to know how you make sure you never hit Daizi again? By working on yourself. By working through your problems. Yes, it is difficult. Yes, it takes time. But you put in the time, and you put in the work, because it means other people can feel safe around you. It means you can feel safe around you. So they can trust you, so you can trust you. If you need medication, take medication, but do not do this. This is not how we handle our emotions. This not how we handle our fears. You put in the work until you have made yourself someone you can live with, and then into someone you like, and then someone you love. And you take responsibility."

Dark set Xander down and then passed one hand over his face, tugging lightly on his beard, and with an exhale, said, "Get in the car. We are going home." If they hesitated for more than a moment, he clicked his tongue and said, "Yalla. Both of you."

~~

"I hope he didn't see it," Daizi said, running her finger along the rim of her mug, "I'm glad Ivy was asleep. She doesn't know. She'll never have to know." If they come back.
 
Xander went still at the commanding tone in Dark's voice, and he hung feet still touching but very much still hanging by his shirt. He panted, trembling slightly, his mind still spinning. Dark's words hammered home one by one, and he wanted to listen. Wanted to obey. But... something still dragged at him. He didn't know how. He just wanted to run. He nearly did run when Dark set him down, but his respect and trust of the large man managed to hold him in place. He stood there for a moment until Dark clicked his tongue.

Alec was only too happy to scramble into the car. He slumped against the opposite door with a sigh.

Xander slowly started to follow. A car drove past, slowing down and revving its engine slightly as the driver got a good look. Xander froze, tensing as the light played over him. Then the car was gone. He shook his head and climbed in, buckling himself up.

~~

"It's sometimes a comfort knowing the things our children will never know, isn't it? Or at least won't learn for many, many years," Sally sighed.
 
After Dark confirmed with the officer they were free to go, Dark got into the car silently and started it. After buckling his seatbelt, he picked up his phone and called Daizi, who, back with Sally scrambled to pick it up.

"Goose?" She asked anxiously.

"I have them. Both of them." He answered, "We are coming home now."

Even though the phone wasn't on speaker, and Daizi wasn't speaking in English, her relieved cry of Oh thank god could be heard even into the backseat. Dark hung up not long after that, and without turning around or even looking at them in the rearview mirror, Dark told the boys, "When we get home, you are both going to apologize to her for leaving. Xander, you are also going to apologize for what you did. Am I understood."

~~

When Dark hung up, Daizi started to cry all over again, feeling more vulnerable than she had since CPS and the FBI had been called on them, "He has them," she said, trying to dry her face, "They're all coming home."
 
"Yes, sir," Alec agreed instantly. He decided to wait and explain why he'd left, too, until they got home. Or he'd skip that part and just apologize. It had been a flurry of activity. After a moment, he added, "I'm sorry we didn't trust the officer. We've had a couple of bad experiences, but that shouldn't have colored today." That, and he really, really didn't trust Xander to not act out very badly with the officer.

Xander didn't say anything. He pressed his forehead to the window feeling miserable.

~~

Sally cheered and gave a little bouce before putting her arm around Daizi's shoulder. "Oh, that's wonderful!"
 
Dark tried to think of an adequate response to that, but finally simply said, "That does not matter now. I think of everything which transpired this evening..." He trailed off, glad the drive home was shorter than the search. The twins had made it a surprising distance away from home, but it wasn't so long that they had an extended period of awkward silence.

~~

Once again, Daizi could do little else but fall against her friend, too relieved to do much else. She was fairly certain she had, over the past hour or so--she had lost track--felt every conceivable emotion except for lust, but everyone was coming home, now, and she would be able to go to sleep.
 
Sally held Daizi, staying there as her support for as long as she needed her.

The twins said nothing else on the drive home. Xander got out slowly once they'd stopped, and Alec, as always, followed him out. Alec headed to the door, getting there first and opening it.

"Mama, we're home," he called tiredly. He kicked off his shoes and wiggled his sore, cramped feet before touching the salt.

Xander followed more slowly, basically dragging himself through the door. He looked like he was the one who'd been hit.
 
When the door opened and she heard the voices come in, Daizi hurried to her feet and went to the front hall, squeezing Alec tightly, "Don't ever do that again," She told him fiercely, "Leave a note, take your phone, something, you always forget your phone. Why do you have a phone? You need to remember your phone."

Dark shut the door behind them, wanting to lock it, but with Sally over--he wasn't surprised when he saw her car in the driveway--it felt a bit rude. He nodded slightly to her, looking like he had been to battle.
 
"I am so, so, so sorry, Mama," Alec apologized, hugging her tight. "I didn't mean to forget my phone, and I remembered a note too late. I should have left a note. I'm sorry."

Sally nodded back to him and rose. "Unless you need me, I will take my leave so you can have family time," she said. "Daizi, you will call me tomorrow, yes?"
 
Daizi sniffed, pressing her face against Alec's hair, "Yeah, you should have." Her back trembled and she squeezed him tighter, "I'm just glad you're both home. You needed to come home."

She didn't hear Sally, but Dark took a breath and said, "Thank you for coming over for her. I am certain she will call you tomorrow, yes."
 
"Yes, yes we did," Alec agreed. He hugged her tighter, so very happy to be back home. "I'm sorry I scared you. I didn't want him to be alone."

"Good luck," Sally said quietly to Dark and took her leave, closing the door quietly behind herself.

Xander stood in the corner, having almost instinctively placed himself there. He had a moody, closed expression, but inside, he felt like he was being slowly torn apart. The thing, whatever it was... it wanted out. He didn't want to let it out. It couldn't get out. No matter what else happened, he couldn't let it out, and he couldn't let it hurt anyone else. Let himself hurt anyone else. Trying to accomplish both those things, though, was proving to be very hard indeed. He just needed to hold on and let the wounds scab back over. That was all.
 
Daizi sniffed, eventually finding the strength to pull away, wiping her face. She didn't know what to do, after that, because she wanted to collapse into her husband, but didn't want her other son to feel left out, and she didn't know what to say to him, yet. With him running away, he hadn't exactly given her the space she needed, but she was so glad he was home, and he wasn't speaking again, so how could she, after what happened last time, try to speak to him now?

"Xander." Dark said, hoping he could remind the teen to say he was sorry without having to explicitly saying the words.
 
Alec patted her gently before stepping away and giving her personal space. He tried not to look at Xander and put him in the spotlight, but it was hard not to.

Xander tensed a little at the sound of his name and blinked. He took a deep breath. Then another, stabilizing himself. "I'm... s-sorry. For. For everything," he said quietly, looking slightly off to the side rather than right at Daizi. "I didn't mean to. I'm sorry."
 
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