Alec noticed the hand placement and winced slightly. "I understand," he said, putting his hand gently on her other shoulder. "It would be utterly terrifying. You should take it easy today. Rest. Mind and body, right?" He smiled, but he couldn't help a faint feeling growing steadily stronger that something was wrong.
~~
Meanwhile, Xander had just reached the stables and had been told to find Pam in one of the training arenas. They were currently having a little bit of trouble and were short staffed. That news made Xander feel he'd made the right choice to come even if he really didn't want to be here. When he reached the arena, though, he felt a good deal less glad he'd come. A knot tightened in his stomach as he approached.
"We're doing groundwork again?" Xander sighed when he saw the set up.
Pam nodded. She'd changed out her blue highlights for red ones, he noticed. "Yep. You did really well last time, so I wanted you to go through it again, but not with Judson. I want you to meet Mudslide." She indicated a smaller, dark brown Quarter Horse tied to the fence.
"Mudslide?" Xander repeated, eying the horse. It eyed him right back. It was smaller than Judson, but its shoulder was still even with his. It was small, but not that small.
"A little obvious, I know, but we thought it fit," Pam said with a grin. "So! Ready to get started? Remember: this is a new horse. Go slow."
Xander approached the horse slowly as Pam had instructed, using what she'd already taught him to approach an unknown horse. Mudslide clearly didn't trust Xander, but he allowed the teen to come to his head and give him a little brush down before untying him and walking him in a couple of slow circles. The horse relaxed a little, but Xander could still feel the tension. It felt like a mirror of his own. When Pam was reasonably satisfied it wasn't going to instantly all end in disaster, she had Xander start walking Mudslide through the obstacle course. Since Mudslide was a newbie at the course, it had been set at the absolute beginner level, mostly involving poles on the ground and nothing waving or otherwise scary looking. Even so, Mudslide did not trust this weird-looking ground, and Xander found himself tensing each time they approached a pole. All Mudslide had to do was either walk between them or over them depending on how they were situated, but he hesitated before each one. The more he hesitated, the more Xander tensed. It wasn't long before Xander was dripping in sweat, and Mudslide finally had enough. He planted his feet, ears slightly back, and refused to go forward.
"Come on!" Xander urged, frustration tearing at his voice.
"Xander, you're getting frustrated, and what happens if we get frustrated with a horse?" Pam called from her play by the fence.
Xander bit his lip. He took a deep breath, turned Mudslide away from the obstacles, and let out the breath as they walked together toward Pam. Mudslide relaxed as they moved away from the scary poles, and Xander knew he'd see this as a win, but they'd work on that later. "Reset, calm down, try again," he said loud enough for Pam to hear. "One bad experience can be enough to ruin it completely."
"Right," Pam nodded. "I notice you're pretty tense today, Xander. Looks like you're really carrying something today."
Xander's grip tightened on Mudslide's lead, causing the horse to toss his head. "I'm fine."
"Yeah, you're as fine as a man with a porcupine on his shoulder can be." Pam indicated the horse with a slight wave of her hand. "Mudslide can sure feel it, too. You've got something heavy and sharp, and it's been bugging you for a while, hasn't it?"
"it's nothing. Just a bad day," Xander said shortly. He growled softly and led Mudslide back toward Pam. "But I can't do this today."
Pam nodded and took Mudslide's lead. She tied him to the fence before turning to Xander. "Look, Xander, I get that whatever you're dealing with is painful. You aren't going to believe me when I say I understand, but I do. I also know that carrying it around like this is going to do nothing but hurt you and everyone around you. You gotta open up and let me try to help you."
"I don't," Xander started loudly but clamped his mouth shut when Mudslide stirred. "I don't want to talk about it," he said shortly. "There's nothing you can do about it. There's nothing anyone can do about it."
"Well, think of mental wounds like physical wounds," Pam told him.
Xander scoffed as he turned to brush Mudslide down again. "If it's stuck in you, you don't pull it out. Everyone knows that. If it's a scab, you don't pick at it. You leave. Things. Alone."
"Eh, yeah," Pam nodded, "but if you got something stuck in you, you kind of wanna get it out, don't you? So what do you do? You go to a professional to pull it out. And if it's a scabbed wound, you might want to get it checked out before it starts oozing puss all over everything." She sighed. "The real point though, if you don't start opening up and letting us really help you... then is there a point to you being here?"
Xander jerked and stared at her. "You're kicking me out?" he blurted.
"Not today, not soon, but it's a possiblilty," she wobbled her hand. "I don't want to scare or threaten you. I just want you to be aware. This works both ways, and so far, our work has only been going one way if you know what I mean. If you want things to get better in your life, big or small, then you have to accept change. Change is a scary, scary thing, but it is what happens when the pain of staying the same gets bigger then the pain of change. You gotta a lot of pain building up inside you, and you're going to have to face it if you want a different life, but if you're not going to let me - let us - help, then we gotta make room for others who will. We aren't like a regular therapist office that can keep you for as long as you throw money at us. We only have so much time and space, and even though we'd happily keep you on no matter what... the fact is, we can't."
"I guess I get it," Xander mumbled, looking down at the horse.
"You have a lot to offer this world and yourself and a lot of potential, but you're holding yourself back by refusing to open up about what really hurting you," Pam said gently. "When you're ready, I'll be here. Promise. Now, I'm going to put Mudslide away. Why don't you get started on the stalls, and I'll be there in a second. Afterward, I wanted to talk about some other options, but I think we could use a manual labor break."
Xander nodded and handed her the brush before starting for the stalls. She didn't trust him alone right now. He couldn't say he blamed her. He kicked a bit of straw as he walked, anger boiling up inside him.
