How Green Becomes Wood

"I don't want to steal your secret," Xander said softly. "Why would you want to tell me if you don't want people to know?"
 
"Let me think of a good one..." Daizi said softly. After a few moments, she nodded, and after taking a breath to steady herself said, "Despite everything I say, and all of the messages I try to teach... Sometimes I still wish I'd wake up and magically be pretty. Properly, conventionally pretty, the sort of pretty where nobody compliments you but feels the need to add 'unconventionally,' or 'in a unique way.' I sometimes think, if I was, maybe my father would like me more. Maybe I wouldn't need to have worked as hard as I have. I don't feel that way all of the time, but..." She shrugged, "Some of the time. And Some of the time I wonder, what could a plastic surgeon do. Every time it makes me feel like a bad feminist."
 
"Oh." Xander twisted the blanket in his hands. "Mum died because of me. I watched her die, and it's my fault."

The crash of pottery from the kitchen made Xander jump. Alec stood just in hearing having caught only Xander's last sentence. A pool of tea and sliver of teacup at his feet spread slowly across the floor, but he was looking at Xander, his face dead white.
 
Xander swallowed, but he'd gone this far. Maybe he could keep going. "We were walking. We'd left the house because of Dax and were walking down the street. We weren't supposed to. She told us to wait for her, but i decided to leave. Alec was behind me, and he'd fallen behind. I walked around the corner and was facing the four-way stop by the Chug Chug gas station. Mum and I had a fight before she left. I was still mad at her. Then I saw her at the stop across from us. She waved at me. I flipped her off. She rolled her eyes and went. It was her turn to go, but there was a guy... he didn't stop." He paused, gripping the blanket as the scene played again in his head. The sound of crunching metal and screaming tires. "I distracted her. She might have seen him if not for me."
 
"Xander..." Daizi said seriously, "That is not your fault. People wave at each other, or flip each other off, all the time. The only person whose fault it is is the person who ran through the light. Let's say you had waved, what would that have changed? If Alec had been there first, what would that have changed?" He might have tried to cross the street to Tara, she thought, and might have been hit instead of her, "It was a horrible thing you had to see, and I am sorry that you had to see it. But you didn't do anything. Your mom didn't do anything. It was the person who was driving too quickly, who wasn't watching what they were doing, who did something awful. Not you."
 
Xander shuddered, tears trickling down his cheeks. "I shouldn't have been there at all. I yelled at her before she left. You know what she said? 'Love ya too, kiddo.' And left. And that's the last thing I said to her. And a mean look. I didn't know she was going to die, but I shouldn't have done that. I should have been better. If I was a better kid and even listened to Alec more, she'd still be alive." He hiccuped slightly. "I turned and walked away. I didn't go see if she was okay. I knew she wouldn't be, so I walked back and made sure he didn't see what happened. I just walked away like it was nothing."
 
"Maybe you shouldn't have," Daizi agreed, "But you couldn't have known, habibi. Most teenagers don't get along with their parents, most teens say things they regret. It's not your fault that you said something you maybe shouldn't have said, and you never had the chance to make it right. Do you think Sloan, who is always fighting with her mom, has never said things like what you might have said? You've seen her storm out. I understand why you feel regret about it, but... You didn't cause it. If you were the perfect son, it still could have happened. As for the rest... You were in shock, and you wanted to protect your brother like you've always done."

"When my parents died," Dark spoke up, looking down at his hands, "I did not check to see if they were alive. It's not the same, I know. I was afraid they would have been, so if I did not check, I was certain they would die. I did not return home again until morning."
 
Last edited:
Xander looked at Dark, shocked. "You... you didn't want them to live?" he asked softly. He shook his head a little, the shock fading. "No, I understand why. I'm sorry. I'm just.. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you had parents that would bring you to feel like that. I'm sorry I didn't go to her. I'm sorry I never told Alec, but I couldn't. How could I tell him? I know you say it's not my fault, but I still feel like it is. I feel like I killed my mum. And I was still mad at her! What kind of a person does that make me? I'm just so sorry."
 
"I think, had our house been missed that night, and I had to stay with them," Dark said cautiously, hoping this wouldn't do more damage, and he was only sharing it to try to make Xander feel like less of a creature, "either he would have killed me, or I would have killed him. He would have gone too far, or I would have snapped."

"Xander?" Daizi asked, raising her head, "Have I ever told you how my brother died?"
 
Daizi took a breath and tucked her hair behind her ears, "I was thirteen, a year before I was sent to the US. I've already said there are so many things I wasn't allowed to do. And I wanted to be normal, you know? And one day, I decided I was going to climb this fig tree we had. I knew I could do it, all of my cousins climbed the tree. So, I snuck out one night, when my dad was asleep, and I decided I was going to climb it." She swallowed, "But, I didn't know how to get down. My brother heard me panicking, and he climbed up after me. And a branch broke, so he fell. It wasn't that high, but... He landed badly. And it's a little bit more complicated than that, because it wasn't on impact, but... If I hadn't decided to climb the tree.." She let out a breath and turned her face towards him, "It wasn't your fault, Xander. And it wasn't my fault. It was horrible string of bad luck. So many things had to happen in the exact worst way. You can't hold yourself responsible for that."
 
"I didn't... let it go. I still grieve for him. I still wish he were here. That's why we decided to name our son after him, only... he didn't live either." She turned her head to the side, "I just had to learn that I didn't make the branch break. He could have put his weight on a different one, and probably would have been fine. Maybe if the tree had been pruned better, then there wouldn't have been a weak branch to begin with... so I take really good care of my plants. And so many kids climb trees. And so many kids get stuck in trees, and their parents or siblings climb up after them. Omar, my brother Omar, was five years older than me. He probably wouldn't have climbed the tree that day if I hadn't, but he also could have grabbed a ladder instead. There are just so many things. Maybe if there was a different surgeon that night, or if he had been lifted one way instead of the way he was... I'll always regret making that decision, but... Even if my family had let me try, when it was was light out, and there were people around, then I wouldn't have felt like I needed to sneak out. A million things had to happen. A million things could have prevented it. I could have spent my entire life hating myself, for just wanting to climb a tree, like all the other kids could do, or I could put that energy into being the person my brother would be most proud of." Tears welled up in her eyes but didn't spill over as her voice tightened, "And that's what I decided to do. And that's what I like to think I have done."
 
"I haven't done anything to make her proud of me," Xander said quietly. "I haven't... I don't..." He lowered his head. "I could maybe learn how, but... Alec. How am I going to tell him? How am I going to explain this to him."
 
"Xander," She said sweetly, "You have time. I'm much older than you. Two years after Omar, I was... In the US, getting into trouble... being sent to detention... You have time. And I think there is plenty about you to be proud of, habibi. You started your own buisness, you have friends, you don't get sent to detention anymore, I still was, at your age. And you have so much time." She tugged lightly on his shirt sleeve, "You do not need to explain anything you are not ready to."

Dark turned his head to look in the direction the clatter came from, wondering if, perhaps, it was too late for Xander to have to worry about explaining it.
 
Xander turned toward Daizi and gingerly caught her hand, holding it in his own shaking one. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything." He started crying again and half leaned, half fell over to put his forehead against her leg. The pain inside hurt so much! So much, and yet... it was a relief to finally let it out. Like pressure released from an infected pocket.

Alec stood there listening, pale and shaking. He caught Dark looking at him and turned away, hurrying out the back door and into the garden.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top