How Green Becomes Wood

The touch was enough, and Daizi woke with a start, hurriedly sitting up and moving away from him in the few moments before her brain rationalized that none of it was real and it had all just been another dream. After taking a few deep breaths, Daizi mumbled, "I'm sorry, I'm okay. Um. Thank you."
 
Are you... okay?" Xander asked uncertainly, holding perfectly still where he was next to the couch. He didn't know if he should move back and give her more space or stay close as a comforting presence. Or as close to comforting as he could get.
 
Xander caught the move. "About me hurting you," he said bluntly. He hadn't meant to say it. The words just popped out of his mouth. He winced and started to stand. "I should... go, I guess."
 
Daizi nodded, tucking her hair back, keeping quiet about how often this dream recurred for her. Most nights, it had been happening. It was his fault, but it wasn't. "It's just... it was the not knowing."
 
"I'm sorry," Xander said, looking away. It was the not knowing that had initiated his strike, and it was the not knowing that had given her the most fear. At least his fright had been short. Hers had lasted much longer.
 
She tipped her head back slightly, wanting to say something, but finding it too hard. It wasn't something she was familiar with, hurting someone in fear, but it was easy to guess how awful it must feel, and she really didn't want to make it worse for him. The last time she had tried to establish anything about it, he had ran away, and she didn't want to make him do that, again. So, instead, she just said, "Thank you."
 
Xander shuffled his feet a moment before turning to go. He'd taken a couple of steps away before stopping and turning back. He shoved his hands hard in his pockets as he said, "I didn't mean to. I really didn't. And... I shouldn't have... run, I guess, but I couldn't... I didn't..." He bit his lip as he tried to get his words to work. "I didn't want to cause more pain."
 
"I don't think I thought anything other than to not hurt you... at least not physically," Xander admitted, rubbing the back of his neck before returning his hand to his pocket.
 
"It did," Daizi murmured, turning her face away, "I know you weren't really in the headspace to consider it, but... And then I had to think about what I should have done to make it easier on you, and wait--" With great efford, she forced herself to stop talking.
 
Xander glanced at her, wondering what she had been about to say. After a pause that she didn't fill, he said, "It wasn't your fault or anything. It was just... me being stupid. You've already done way more than enough to make things easier and better. I just... needed to get a bit tangled before I could start unraveling, I guess. I dunno."
 
"I know it wasn't my fault," Daizi replied quietly, even though she didn't love admitting it to him, "but that doesn't change how it felt waiting at home knowing I had asked for distance and you left, with your brother following you."
 
Xander heaved a sigh,, not sure what he was feeling in that moment. "For what it's worth, Alec was trying to talk me into coming back. He wasn't leaving, too. And I... I don't think I could have stayed away. Not really. I just... didn't know what to do. I was scared and felt awful. For what had happened."
 
She shrugged half-heartedly, still holding the pillow, "I just needed space. I needed to process what had happened. But then I didn't even know if you were safe, so I couldn't... take time."
 
Xander hesitated, not sure what to do with that information. Was he supposed to apologize again? Was he supposed to say that he was fine? That he'd never do it again? He didn't want to do it again and hoped nothing like this would ever happen again, but it seemed like an odd thing to promise. So he stood in silence trying to figure out where to go from here.
 
Daizi sat in the silence for some time before saying, "I don't... blame you, really. I understand. It'd be easier if I didn't, but I do. I just... wish things had gone differently. It'd make it easier."
 
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