How Green Becomes Wood

He whimpered softly, "I didn't mean---" He throat caught and he tightened his hands into fists before releasing them again, feeling pointless, "I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I tried. I don't know how to be better at trying."
 
Xander hesitated, still holding Milo's hands, trying to think of the right thing to say. "I don't know," he finally admitted. "I don't have those answers. I... I know that maybe you could be better, but me too. I have needed a heck of a lot of work and still do. But I don't know... how to help. I don't know how to make you feel better. I would if I could. I'd tell you if I knew. But I don't. I just know you're worth being friends with whatever some people might think."
 
"I have to love my mom," Milo said, his voice raw and pleading, "I have to love her, and I have to believe in her, and I have to hope, because if I didn't---" His inhale made his body shake, and for a second it seemed like he was going to give up on what he was going to say, but then he confessed, "Because if I didn't, if I didn't do all of those things, then I would hate her. And I can't hate her. Because then what would it all have been for?"
 
Xander squeezed Milo's hands lightly. "You can love her and believe in her while knowing that maybe she didn't make all the right choices. And... and you can know that maybe she made stupid choices and still love her. I hated my mum. I hated her because it was easier than loving her while she made choices that hurt all of us. I didn't realize that I loved her even when I hated her, and I wish I hadn't wasted so much time hating her. Your mum was trying to do her best. She was trying, just like you. Even if she didn't do it right, it wasn't a waste because you've got good memories of her. Don't you? Good memories of good times. It was worth it to know that somebody loved you. That's what I think, anyway, but it doesn't really matter what I think."
 
"It's not easy," He mumbled, feeling impossibly small and weightless, but not like he was floating. More like he had reached the depth in the ocean where humans end up with negative buoyancy and get pulled down. He sniffed, wanting to just curl up on the floor and go to sleep, "I have a lot of good memories with her, and awful ones, and she had tried to quit on her own, before. She had! But until you're in that situation, you don't know how hard it is--I watched it! I saw. She didn't want it anymore than I did, but she ruined my life, but she was all that I had, for years she was all that I had, and I can't just turn that off, because I've needed that, because otherwise--"
 
Xander leaned down a little and stared at the floor with Milo. He didn't say anything for a bit, just holding hands and thinking. Finally, he said, "Your mum loves you. I believe that. She wants to do better. I believe that, too. She f**ed up your life, and it is her fault. That's just a fact. She told you that she couldn't do it without you, and maybe that was true, but that wasn't your job. She wasn't your kid. You're hers. You're a kid, Milo. Same as me. Same as most of the people in this stupid school. You're not supposed to be the parent to your mum. But you were. That doesn't mean you loved her less or she loved you less. It just means you've got s*t to deal with because of it. A lot of it. You should be in therapy. But, Stitch... Milo... you are needed. More than you realize. More than you let yourself be. But not like that. She shouldn't have been all that you had. She should not have put all that weight on you. Should have done a lot of things, should have, would have, could have, but she didn't. She did what she did, and that Sucks. But you have a chance now to change that. So does she. You both have a chance to be something different. Maybe better, I don't know, but different. The past, your life in the past, it's a wreck. But it doesn't have to stay that way. You can change it one pain in the a day at a time."
 
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Milo did listen closely to what Xander said but he didn't know how to respond. It was all so much, and he kept thinking about all the things Alec had said about him, and how low Alec's opinion of him must be. He just kept replaying it in his mind, and it hurt. It really hurt. "I didn't mean..." He murmured, following an extended period of silence. "The birds... I meant... in my grandparents' house. They're the best part of my grandparents' house. Just their house."
 
"Oh. Um. I did think you meant the best part about being here," Xander admitted. "I'm glad you didn't. But it's okay if that is what you meant. I know you don't want to stick around."
 
Milo swallowed, bringing his knees to his chest, "If you came to this town like I did... there are things here that I really like... people that I... but it's not... what happened with my mom, the last time... it's one of the worst moments in my life, and it's why I'm here, so it's hard to... like it."
 
"I get it." Xander considered letting go of Milo's hands, but he didn't dare. Not yet. "I do. It's... it's not a good connection to have, but... you can't just walk away from memories like that. Thats something I had to learn, and I didn't like it, but it's true. You'll always be reminded of that time no matter how much you stuff it down, and then one day it'll decide that you won't ignore it anymore, and trust me, it's not a good experience. It's better to chose to face it than to try to run."
 
"I'm tired of having to face things." Milo said, shutting his eyes, "I've never been strong to begin with, but I have to be, but I don't want to be. My grandparents just expect me to be some normal kid, like nothing ever happened. And I know your brother thinks that it shouldn't matter if I was there or not when we talked about it, but---" His face broke again, "It matters to me. Why isn't that enough? My dad already died, and I didn't get a say in that, why--" He swallowed, shaking his head, "My mom's not dead, but she came close too many times. I didn't get to say goodbye when I was taken away from her, and they didn't give me warning when she left. That wasn't decided last minute."
 
Xander hesitated. He started to lean forward and then pulled back. Then, very carefully, he leaned forward and pulled Milo into a cautious hug, trembling a little as he did so. "It matters," he whispered. "All of it matters." He held Milo, sitting absolutely still other than the slight, uncontrolled shivering.
 
Milo didn't say anything, he just allowed himself to be pulled in by his friend and cried into his shoulder. He still felt overcome with guilt, maybe a little bit moreso that he had been sitting here and, seemingly, doing all the same things he had just been yelled at for. But he didn't know what else to do. He was held together with scotch tape and camera film, and so much of his energy had been funneled into just making it through, but he still destroyed things with one of the first people to care about him since leaving Chicago. He had been attending all of his classes, doing all of his homework, trying to go into the cafeteria when he could brave it, trying to be more talkative, and it still wasn't... enough. At least Xander liked him, he thought, although he wasn't sure how long it'd last now that his brother didn't.
 
Xander squeezed his eyes shut and held Milo for as long as he could. He let Milo cry it out, being as stable and steady as he could. He needed to be strong. He needed to be there for Milo! He needed to be there! His body ached. His skin itched. He was on fire!! But he needed to be there for Milo! Finally, he couldn't take it any longer, and he pushed Milo back, barely restraining himself so it was only a firm push and not a shove.

"I'm sorry!" he gasped, wrapping his arms around himself and shaking. "I'm sorry, I can't... I can't touch... no more. I'm sorry."
 
" 'sokay." Milo mumbled, wrapping his arms around his legs and pressing his forehead against his knees. He sort of expected it, anyway. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I upset your brother." He squeezed himself tighter, "Didn't mean to."
 
Xander took a moment to try to get ahold of himself. His skin crawled with the sensation, and he wanted desperately to either scrub or rip it off, but, surprisingly, it was easier to handle than it had once been. Unbeknownst to him, the consistent, minor contact in his Judo lessons had helped him to build up a slight tolerance. It was still only slight, and a full hug after holding hands was different from tossing people around at speed.

He took a deep breath. Focus on Milo. Just a little longer. He could do this. "Do you want to blow this joint? Or do you think you can do the rest of today? Your call, man."
 
Milo thought about it for a little while, still not looking up. He really, really, really wanted to leave. He wanted to curl up with the lights off and get away from everything. But after holding all of that tension inside, he sighed and said, "We'll just get in trouble if we leave. And then we'll have to explain it to everybody, and then we'll just be told about what we should have done... or at least I will. I don't know about you. I don't want to be here, but leaving won't fix anything."
 
"Yeah, true enough." Xander pulled out his phone to check the time. "Missed most of our next class anyway, so I guess we can just sit here for the rest. We'll get notes from someone else later. One class won't hurt when you just need a break." He sat back and stared at the far wall. Unconsciously, he fisted wads of his long-sleeved shirt and rubbed them against his skin. It wasn't hard, but it was firm.
 
Milo shrugged his shoulders and finally looked up, although he still sat holding himself tightly. "If you gave me a bloody nose, we could go to the nurse, and say you found me like that, and nobody would question why we missed this one," He commented dryly and unseriously, then looked down again. He still felt like he was drowning, but he wasn't quiet anymore, "Thanks."
 
Xander gave a quiet snort. "I am not giving you a bloody nose." He looked at Milo and nodded even if Milo wasn't looking at him. "You're welcome." He sat in silence for a long moment before saying, "But maybe we should take you to see the nurse. Your neck and arms."
 
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