How Green Becomes Wood

"He'll forgive you," Sloan replied, looking at him carefully, "I don't have a twin, but I have a brother. He'll forgive you. Unless you murdered someone, like... I don't know. You have to do something really unforgivable for your sibling to actually quit you, especially when you're as close as the two of you are. Even if sometimes you don't want to forgive someone, you do."

Milo enjoyed the relative silence for most of lunch, but eventually he mumbled, "I told Alec we just won't talk about my mom so we don't hurt each other."
 
Alec sighed and shrugged. "I dunno. No one is entitled to forgive anything or anyone, and he's pretty mad at me. Never seen him this mad. At me, that is."

"Okay," Xander agreed. "Was it the mom thing that hurt him? How and why?" He took a swig from his water bottle. "You don't have to answer that. It doesn't matter. He'll be fine. He wasn't that hurt."
 
"Yeah but I'm guessing it just happened. No offense, but Xander almost always over reacts. But then he realizes he was being way harsh." Sloan replied, and then afterr a moment asked, "How involved was he in what happened?"

Milo replied, "It made him feel bad that I'm always talking about leaving, because it makes him feel like I don't care about the two of you. I told him it makes me feel bad to hear what people think about my mom."
 
Alec shrugged and lifted his head. "He was there. Thank you for wanting to talk me through this, Sloan, but I'm just... not in the mood to go over it again, and you'd need a lot of details to understand. Maybe he'll forgive me eventually, but for now... it just hurts." He folded his arms on the table and rested his head on his arms.

Xander frowned. "Wait, was he talking crap about your mum when I wasn't around?" He knew a lot had come out in that bizarre explosion Alec had, but he couldn't remember Alec talking about Milo's mother unless Milo brought her up, and usually it seemed like he was being positive as best he could remember. Was Alec talking to Milo when he wasn't around? Or had it all been when he was around? Was he that oblivious? What had he missed?
 
"I get that, it's chill," Sloan replied, more than willing to let it go, "I bet it does hurt. But I'm serious, I don't think this is going to be permanent. I doubt you did anything that bad."

Shaking his head, "No. It's just. I mean, you heard what he said on Wednesday. And I guess... he tries so hard to be positive about everything... I find it difficult to... believe him. Even if I could, it just feels like... placating me. and I can hear what people think in their pauses, too. Not literally, but. You know. I don't like when anybody talks about her, really, when they, you know, really get into how they think about her, because it's difficult enough for me to manage how I feel on my own, without outside thoughts."
 
"Thanks, Sloan," Alec said into his arms. "I appreciate it." He wasn't so sure, though.

"Oh, that's good," Xander said, relaxing just a little. Then he added darkly, "The annoying thing is that he does mean it. It's not just to placard anyone." He meant "placate." "Never mind him. Never mind anyone else. Just ignore them. I know, easier said than done, but if they don't know her or you, then it's none of their damn business any more than when people talked about our Mum. At least the ones about our mum had to stop eventually, and soon you'll be heading out of here to go be with her where no one knows the history." He glanced at Milo. "But you told him to shut it? Good job."
 
"I don't know. I guess I just don't believe he can mean it. He doesn't actually know her. And like, you heard all the things he said when he couldn't keep it in, anymore, so. Just can't trust people actually think well of her. But it's not just him, really. I'm protective of her. It's not like anybody else is going to be." Eating a bit more of his lunch, Milo took a bit of time to think before saying, "I thought you'd be defending him to me."
 
"Do you want me to?" Xander asked mildly. "I could tell you that it's not your job to be protective because she's the adult and all that and you're assuming she needs protecting. No, wait, that's not defending him. I guess I could say that just because he reminded you of where she went wrong doesn't mean he can't still believe she's good and sticking on the clean path." He shrugged. "That's all I got."
 
"When most people I know, who know her, act like she's junkie trash..." Milo trailed off not feeling like it was necessary to finish his sentence, "I think everyone who loves their family wants to protect them. You don't want people you love to hurt." He took another long pause before asking, "Are you and Alec... okay?'
 
"I get it. And that's why your grands act the way they do. 'Cause they love you and want to protect you. They just suck at doing it right," Xander shrugged. "Not saying that excuses them for acting sucky. They're still being sucky. Lovingly sucky." He didn't look at Milo at his question. "We're fine," he said shortly. "Don't worry about it."
 
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"They want me to be a different kid," Milo replied flatly, "I know that they care about me, but they just expect me to be someone else. And it's like they know how they want me to feel, but don't bother with how I am feeling." He slouched down, "but that's good. I'd feel bad if I... I dunno... drove a wedge or something."
 
"That's a pretty common problem for a lot of kids everywhere," Xander drawled. "Maybe now that you've had practice putting other people in their place, maybe it's about time for you to loose your s**t at them. Just a thought."
 
"I don't think I could. I don't even know what I'd say. And I'd feel like a jerk, anyway, because like... they are feeding me and stuff." Milo replied, "I don't... hate them. But I hate how people seem to think they're these amazing, altruistic people."
 
"Wow. They're feeding you. And giving you a room. Amazingly altruistic," Xander drawled. "Look, if you want to keep your head down and just ignore it until it's time to leave, you can, but someday you are going to have to stand up for yourself and what you want. If now's not the time, fine, you know your life better than I do, but you did it once with Alec. You can do it with people who are s**theads pretending to be angels or whatever I'm supposed to think of your grands. Again, you know your deal. If you don't want to, don't. If you do want to, do. If things get too bad, you got a bolthole with me. Just remember that."

~~

Alec headed out of the cafeteria early, leaving Sloan talking to Becky. He felt a little bad because he'd totally used Sloan as a distraction for his chipper friend and basically sacrificed her to the buzzing energy that was Becky, but he really didn't want to deal with her, and Becky, for all her good points, was not great at staying empathetic for too long. She simply could not contain herself for very long even when she wanted to. So, rather than watcher her attempt to be mellow, he opted for an escape plan. He stood in the hall with his back to the lockers and closed his eyes. This was much harder than he thought it would be. He took out his phone and stared at it, considering texting his mother to ask her for some encouragement.

"Wow, you look bad. Low day?"

He looked up to see a girl he recognized but had never officially met. She was a little on the shorter and wider side with a round face, dimples, dark eyes, square glasses, dark brown hair cut in a longer bob, and wore an oversized brown sweater and jeans. "Um. Kind of?"

"Sorry, kind of rude of me to just jump in there like that, but you looked like you could maybe use a friend," she said, shifting her books to her other arm. "Is your brother okay? You two are, like, never separated."

"Oh, he's fine, it's just... um..." Alec hesitated, not sure how to answer that.

She shrugged. "You don't have to tell me. It's okay. I mean, this is the first time we've ever talked. I et you don't even know my name."

"I don't," he admitted. "I'm Alec."

"I know. I sometimes go to the pizza parlor to watch your band," she said with an awkward smile. "I'm Emma."

"It's nice to meet you, Emma," Alec said. "Oh! Are you the Emma that did the poster on the Aztecs? It was really good."

"Oh, thanks," she brightened. "Hey, I was wondering, would you like to maybe meet up after school? Or maybe do something this Saturday like grab a soda or a coffee or something?"

"Oh!" Alec said in shock. "I, uh... Like a date?"

"It doesn't have to be a date, more like just getting to know you," she said hurriedly. "We don't know each other like at all, so maybe we could get to know each other and see if we want to date or even just be friends. We can go Dutch, I don't mind."

"I think that sounds good," Alec agreed, hesitant yet oddly hopeful. "I would like to," he paused as his memory smacked him like a cold fish, "but I can't this weekend. I'm sorry."

"Oh," she said, hope leaving her eyes. She looked away. "Okay. That's fine. I just thought I'd ask."

Did she think he was turning her down completely? Maybe that happened a lot seeing how she reacted. Hurriedly, Alec said, "But maybe next week we could do something? I think I'm busy this weekend with a family thing, and I have work after school Thursday and Friday, but maybe we could get together during the week."

"Really?" she asked with a tiny gasp. "That would be great!"

They quickly exchanged numbers, and Alec promised the text her once he knew what his family's schedule was. They parted ways, and he headed for class even though it was still early, but he felt a lot better now than he had in the last couple of days.
 
"Thank you," Milo responded, "I just... I don't know how I'd do it, I guess. Or what it'd help. It was hard enough just getting my own room, you know? Not sharing with all the scrapbooking. I don't even know what else to ask for."
 
Xander considered this for a minute. "Hmm. Well. You don't have to do it now, so you can take the time to think about it. Write a list of things you think would make you happy. Don't bother with plausibility or if it'd be a nuisance to other people at first, just write everything down from blue walls to Friday night popcorn fights to a pet manticore. All of it. Then, once you got that down, start thinking about what's actually possible. Meaning the manticore is out. Then what might be a bad thing for someone else. Popcorn fights are out. That leaves you with blue walls. When you got it down to just blue wall things, then you write out an argument for why you should be allowed to have blue walls. It's just paint, not cutting a hole in the wall, so you can paint back over it. If it's the effort involved, you can do it yourself, and you have a friend who likes painting and is good at it."

He paused and looked at Milo. "And then you take that same idea and apply it to your mental needs. What do you need from them for a better mental life? Therapy's a good start. It's done me a lot of good, I think. For them to see you as a real person, not their imagined person. They probably have a good reason for why they want to see you the way they want to, but that don't mean it's right. So you write out what you need, and you write out maybe a letter to explain to them how what they did and are doing is hurting you. You're in the VIP club of English. You're good at writing stuff out. Just take your time, and tell yourself you aren't going to show it or send it to anyone, because you don't have to. Pretend like it's a school project. But if you write it out, if you change your mind, you'll have it ready to show them or read to them."
 
"My grandad doesn't believe in therapy." Milo admitted, "He thinks it's a waste of time, and that people only want it because it's popular. I just, there's no way I could convince him. He'd have to pay for it, you know? And he wouldn't agree to it, because he doesn't think it's real. It's not that, you know, I'm against it. But if he is, I'm basically just out of luck. I don't know how my grandma feels about it, but he's made it very clear."
 
"That's an easy thing. We're just going to have to invite your grands over to meet my folks," Xander said bluntly. "And besides, you're sixteen and you've got issues. You've got options that don't include them. There's a load of places that'll do it cheap, like a free clinic, there's online options, and you've got the school councilor here, and if nothing else, you can call in or text a help line. They aren't just for people looking to jump off bridges. If you want me to find a place to hook you up, I'll do it." He stopped short and held up a hand. "Wait... hang on. Scratch everything I just said, except for the bit about your grands meeting my folks. That could help. Your granddad wants you to get a job, right? Just yes or no on that one."
 
Milo listened to Xander and did his best not to feel overwhelmed at all of the suggestions. He had met Xander's parents, and he wasn't sure if they'd... make a great impression on his grandparents, but he did answer, "...He does, yeah. Why?"
 
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