How Green Becomes Wood

"I wish I could say the same," Dark commented, pleased when the food came.

"You can't imagine how difficult it was for us to pick a wedding cake," Daizi chuckled as the food came, "We tasted so many, I thought by the time we found one he liked, I wouldn't like cake anymore at all. I hope we don't have to go through all of that again."
 
"Earl grey and lavender," Dark answered, a smile pulling at his lips, "The frosting was also infused with tea, and it was a gorgeous midnight blue with gold leaf, so it tied nicely in with our wedding colours."

"I don't actually know what the point of the cake is," Daizi shrugged, "and I don't think at our renewal we'll do a whole thing about cutting the cake and sharing a first bite together, but I really enjoyed it. Honestly, even though our wedding was much more traditional than I'd have liked, I loved every moment of it. Even the really cheesy stuff like throwing the bouquet."
 
"That doesn't sound like cake. That sounds like something you'd drink," Alec said to Dark, mystified. Daizi might have opened his eyes to new flavors, but cake was still supposed to be cake. "I think that all sounds like a lot of fun! All of it."
 
"You add the tea to the batter to flavour it similar to how you'd add vanilla extract," Daizi explained, "I'm sure at the renewal we'll still have cake, you can try it then. It's really lovely."

"I did enjoy our wedding," Dark agreed softly.

"There's something really special about the rituals of becoming family," Daizi mused as she ate her dinner, "There are so many steps to join with someone like that... And Dark was sweet and didn't shove cake into my face like some people do."
 
Daizi considered this for a few moments, thinking heavily, "I don't know. In a way, the documents and the court hearings are in their way a ritual, in the same way signing our marriage contract was---although the signing of it was more formalized and included more than our document did-- but there may be a ritual I can find. Or we can start one of our own."
 
"Of course it's possible," Daizi promised, cupping his cheek in her hand, "I'll find something, and all four of us can plan something together that feels right." Her mind immediately went to a blood oath to bind them, but knew it wasn't something they could do, with Dark's history (even the pin-pricks she'd sometimes use were something she never asked Dark to join her in), and even if it was, she wasn't going to try and get any of Ivy's, but it'd be wrong to exclude her. So she'd have to spend more time thinking about it.

"Have you and Xander thought more about how you want to celebrate being officially adopted?" Dark asked curiously.
 
"We can't agree on anything," Alec admitted. "We agree we want something special, something to mark the occasion, but neither of us likes what the other one suggests, and our suggestions are starting to get... well, silly."
 
"Well, I'd do a big party and invite everyone, to be honest. Xander says that's too much, and maybe he is right, but I want flashy! Bright! Colorful! Wild!" Alec grinned. Then his grin faded. "Maybe I do go overboard. I just... don't want things to be forgettable."
 
Dark reached over and squeezed his far shoulder, "It will not be forgettable." He promised gently, "How could it be? You are becoming, in the eyes of the law, becoming our sons. It will be memorable."

"I'll braid locks of our hair together," Daizi suggested, only vaguely seriously, "Maybe all four of us should make plans together. We're all being changed by it." She didn't mention how they didn't have much time left to plan.
 
"Thank you," Alec said sincerely. "And I agree. We need to move forward with the planning of this thing if we are going to do anything at all! Should we discuss it when we get home?"
 
"That sounds perfect." Daizi said brightly, sitting back to finish her dinner, "I can't believe it's so soon."

"It has been a long road," Dark said, looking out the window, "A very long road."
 
Dark swallowed, his gaze still averted and at Alec's words, Daizi's smile faltered. She brought one hand to her middle, even though there was no hopeful life hidden inside anymore. The motion was innate.

"Yes," Dark answered first, "It has been."

"Our very first would be hardly two years younger than you," Daizi added.
 
"I'm sorry," Alec said gently. There was no way he could ever truly comprehend the horror and the pain that accompanied that kind of loss, he knew that, but he understood pain. Maybe not the depth and the breadth, but the idea of it. He reached out with both hands and lightly rested just his fingertips on Dark's hand and Daizi's, letting them linger there. It was a strange thing. He would never wish this on anyone, but the fact was that if they had not lost their little ones, he would not be sitting here with Dark and Daizi now. If he could have his way, he would change things. Even if he was not allowed to have his mother back, even if he and his brother remained on the streets or worse, he would change things so that Dark and Daizi could have their little ones. He would change that for them. But he couldn't. So, he would do his best to be a good son. Maybe that would ease the pain a little. It was all he could offer.
 
Daizi turned her hand over to squeeze Alec's. She hadn't been counting on the conversation taking this turn and hadn't had time to prepare herself emotionally for it. There had been so much blood, so much pain, so much grief. And fear, and guilt. And longing. So much of it still lingered.

But now she had everything. She had her children. As much as she wished she hadn't gone through any of the loss, she knew, also, they weren't ready to be good parents yet, with the first miscarriage. At what point in their long history they became the people who were capable of being the parents they were now, she didn't know. Maybe by Omar. She wished to not have suffered through childloss, but the rest--- she didn't know. That very first pregnancy, through all of the fear and confused potage of grief and relief when she miscarried, some part of her loved that would-be child, but it wasn't in the way she loved the children she had. Omar she had loved in that way, and had the first few lived, she wouldn't have kept having children to make it to him. She definitely wouldn't have had Ivy. Despite knowing she wouldn't have known there would by the Ivy, the thought of not having her hurt. And what about her sons?

As her hand gripped Alec's more tightly, tears pricked her eyes: it was too difficult a calculation. If things could be changed, she couldn't change things so she wouldn't have Alec and Xander, anymore. She could never go back and lose them. As messy and as difficult as it was, they were hers, and she didn't want to live a life without them.

It felt to unacceptable to acknowledge in her mind, but some deep murky part of her wished, maybe, she could be a mother of four. If the first time she'd ever had been pregnant was with Omar, and he had lived, then still they took in the twins, and still had Ivy, that would be perfect. But that thought, as well as the constant awareness of the fact she only was able to have these twin boys in her life because they lost their mother, filled her with guilt. The only way she'd ever sacrifice them would be if they could still have their mum.

"It's okay," Daizi said, the frailty of her voice catching her off-guard, "I have you, and Xander, and Ivy. I get to give all that love I've been saving up to you three."

Like his wife, Dark turned his hand over to hold Alec's, but his thoughts were locked down deep inside. Finally, he spoke, "I am a better man now, than I ever used to be."
 
Alec held both their hands, watching their faces intently. He tried to form words, but they failed. How could he follow this up? How could he say anything to either support them or make them feel better? He was at a loss.

The server came over then to ask if they wanted dessert, and that broke the tension. Alec let go and sat back in his chair quickly. He smiled and asked for the recommendations, trying not to make the server feel anymore awkward than they already did.
 
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