Meanwhile, at the graveyard, the twins sat quietly near the headstone. Alec lightly pucked away a few weeds that had escaped the groundskeeper's notice and rearranged the flowers again. Xander sat on the ground behind Alec, leaning on the back of another gravestone.
"If you keep fidgeting with those flowers, they are going to fall apart," Xander remarked.
Alec sighed and forced himself to stop. "Sorry. I just feel... I feel kind of guilty even while I logically understand that there is no reason for me to feel guilty."
"Because we agreed to be adopted?" Xander asked.
"Yeah. I thought I dealt with this already. All this adoption does is stick a piece of paper to what was already going on." Alec rubbed his face. "It's stupid."
Xander shrugged. "Just feelings. Feelings just feel."
Alec glanced at him with a frown. "That's weirdly zen of you."
Xander frowned. "Yeah, it is, isn't it? It's weird, but I don't feel guilty. I mean, I feel angry about what happened, but not as angry as I used to. I'm sad that I wasn't better to her. That's my biggest regret. But I mostly feel... happy where we are? Like, what am I supposed to do, feel guilty and sad all my life and refuse to allow myself to be happy?"
Alec managed a weak smile. "That's what I thought I'd end up doing." He sighed and shifted into a cross-legged position. "Mum would understand."
"Of course she would. She'd be confused why we're so conflicted," Xander agreed gruffly.
"True enough. But..." Alec hesitated. "No buts, really. Maybe it's just me. Maybe... Maybe I don't want to let the unhappiness go because if I do... it'll be easier to let her slip away."
Xander reached out and pulled Alec over to sit next to him, wrapping one arm around his shoulders. "She's never going to slip away from us. It's not going to happen. Maybe we'll always feel sad, but we can be happy, too, and remember her that way. Remember? You're the one who told me that."
"I guess I did." Alec glanced at Xander. "How did we swap places in this conversation?"
"I guess because I stopped fighting with you and pushing my anger at you, so you didn't have to keep being happy all the time?" Xander suggested.
"That sounds right." Alec sighed and leaned into his brother. After a bit, he admitted, "I hate it. I hate feeling sad. I hate, hate, hate this feeling. It scares me. Sometimes, if I try to let myself feel sad like people say I should, I feel as though I'll never be able to stop. Like quicksand pulling me down."
Xander squeezed Alec's shoulders tightly. "You can let yourself be sad. Be angry. Be whatever the hell you want to feel. When you don't want to feel that way anymore, if you feel stuck, just let me know. I'll pull you out."
"But what if you're sad, too? Or angry?" Alec asked worriedly.
"Eh, I'm used to it. I'm learning how to make myself stop, and they say the best way to learn is to teach, so you're just helping me learn more. We'll take turns feeling all the feels."
Alec smiled and turned his face into his brother's shoulder. "Can I be sad now? And when I'm done, you can sad?"
Xander wrapped his arms around Alec securely. "Yeah. Go for it."
Alec closed his eyes and let himself feel all the sadness he had been trying unsuccessfully to ignore. Xander held him tight and never once wavered. Then, when Alec was ready, as Xander promised, he took a turn feeling all the sadness. Maybe someday it wouldn't hurt so deep. Maybe one day, they could both stand in the pool of sadness without fearing they'd drown. Someday. Not today.
Nearly three hours after they'd left the house, Xander and Alec pulled up into the driveway and walked into the house.
