How Green Becomes Wood

Daizi paused for a moment, remembering her conversation with her aunt the night before, but also knowing Xander generally just liked cooking, so she smiled and said, "If you'd like to, but all I have to do is roll out the dough and bake it, it's really not difficult."
 
"Sweet," Xander muttered. He really was just hoping to work in the kitchen. Zeinab had mostly kicked him out, and he missed it. He started cleaning up a little for something to do while Dark and Daizi ate their breakfast.
 
After breakfast, Zeinab picked up Ivy, wanting to spend time with her, but when she did Ivy reached out towards Daizi, "Mama!" She fussed, wiggling, but Zeinab patted her on the back.

"Your Mama is busy, Qadi, but we can play. We can. Zalmi, come play with me and your daughter."
 
Xander happily helped Daizi in the kitchen, following her instructions perfectly.

Alec came in after a while and went up to the music room instead of joining the rest of the family. He wasn't hungry, and he usually made a mess in the kitchen anyway, so what was the point of joining his mother and brother? And Ivy had Zeinab and Dark. So, he went up to the music room and plunked away on the piano.
 
After the cookies were in the oven, Daizi stretched, saying she wanted to go refresh herself so she looked as nice as she could at the NICU, feeling personally quite proud of herself she was choosing to visit a hospital, when she heard the music coming from the piano. After knocking lightly on the door, Daizi opened it, "I didn't know you had come inside, habibi. I missed you at breakfast."
 
"It is important," Daizi agreed, "but so are you. And I'm here, if you want to talk."

But saying that, she knew he wouldn't. Because they didn't. Because they thought she was one sentence away from breaking. Even though she wasn't. And she kind of wanted to turn around and pound her head into the door frame because how could they possibly have lived together for two full years and still struggle with the exact same problem? Sure, she was smiling gently at him, earnest and serious about her offer, but she waiting for him to say he was fine, maybe even snap at her for making the offer after he had already said he was alright. Gods forbid she wanted her son to be better than alright. Then she'd apologize and leave him be and wait patiently and anxiously until what ever trouble bubbled over. And, hey, it had been a year. It was about time for there to be more strife about if he and Xander mattered as much as their biological child, as if they hadn't literally just gone through a lengthy and complicated legal proceeding to adopt them.

Is this what they were? She smiled. Four people who pretended they were fine? And waited. Even though they weren't really fine? And smiled. Despite promising to be more honest? And waited. But never actually being more honest? And god she wanted to scream.
 
"I know I'm important, and I know you're here. It's just, I mean, it's just that when I," Alec looked up at her and stopped. "Um, are you alright?" he asked uncertainly. "Your face is doing funny things. You're smile looks like it's trying to detach itself from the rest of your face. Are you... okay?"
 
Inhaling softly to control her emotions so she didn't actually scream and to force herself to be honest if nobody else in her family would be, "I just want us to be honest with each other instead of claiming to be fine and never actually addressing our conflicts until we physically cannot hold it in anymore."
 
Alec felt a bit like that was the pot calling the kettle black, but he also wasn't entirely certain he understood the balance of what a parent should tell their kid. Not to mention, she clearly did not need to hear that right now. "I am willing to talk and be honest, I just really don't want to just yet, and I don't feel like now's a good time," he said delicately. "Maybe we could talk after we go to the NICU? For now, maybe we could... just sit and play a little?"
 
"It's okay if you don't want to right now," Daizi sighed, rolling her head back and touching it against the door frame, "There's just never a way to know if we aren't talking right now because we're not ready or if it's because we're suppressing everything and waiting to explode. And you don't have to tell me so long as you're telling someone..." She sighed, shutting her eyes, knowing she really, really wanted to be the one her children went to. That time Alec ran out of school, he ran to Tristan. And yes, she was glad he had a space he felt comfortable, but really, Tristan? He was a nice man, but they hardly knew each other. Pretending like she didn't feel guilty over her jealousy, she took a breath, pushed her hair back and said, "I'd love to play with you."

As with her offer before, she did truly mean her willingness to play with him, but she also knew even if it was the last thing she wanted to do, she still would sit with him.
 
Alec scooted over so Daizi could fit on the piano bench next to him. He waited until she was comfortable and then gave him a little one-armed hug. "Thank you for always being here, Mama," he said softly, and his sincerity shone through his words. He straightened and started lightly picking out one of the songs she'd taught him when he was first learning.
 
Daizi swallowed hard, pushing down the tears which immediately sprang to her eyes at his gesture. Her husband was completely unaware of how fortunate he was to not be so emotional, she despised it. And she despised how often it seemed like she came to comfort her children only to be comforted instead, but she hugged him back with one arm and touched her opposite hand to his cheek, rubbing her thumb against his face. "I love you, Alec."

Then she let go, settled her hands on the keys, and after recognizing the song Alec was playing joined in, prepared to play until she felt like she could breathe again.
 
Alec sat and let the music loosen the tightness he'd been carrying in his chest. He wasn't even certain where it was from or why he felt angry. He just... did. And while he might have been willing to talk about it, this was an important day. A stressful day. And his mother was about to face one of her biggest fears. That felt bigger than whatever he was feeling. What he was feeling could wait.
 
Daizi continued to play, not saying a word, until finally Dark came and knocked lightly at the door, "I hate to interrupt," he said softly, creeping in, "But we should prepare to leave."
 
"Yes," Daizi answered. Playing music had settled her, but she still yearned for only a few hours ago throwing pillows at her husband. "We have to, anyway. Do I need to put the basket together?"

"No, Spider, I did that, I didn't want to interrupt you," Dark replied impressed by how brave it was she was committed to this, despite how much it scared her.
 
Alec hugged her quickly. "Thank you for sitting with me. It was nice." Then he got up and went to retrieve the vests he had in his room. When he went downstairs, he found Xander babysitting the basket of goods, his eyes fixed on the treats. "You look like you're a fox that got put in charge of a hen house."

"Hardy har har," Xander said without taking his eyes off the basket. "I'm counting. Every one of these is important.
 
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