How Green Becomes Wood

Her back trembled but she continued to listen.

"I was not worried about it," Dark replied, "I thought it better to be honest. But I am glad it does not count, it is not the way I wanted it to end."
 
"Every obstacle that comes your way, you figure out how to overcome it. It is not always easy, but you do find a way somehow," Alec whispered. "Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes you hurt. But you keep going one step at a time forward. You teach your children how to move forward no matter what, and sometimes that it is okay to just sit and rest. To let the weight settle and not try to drag it along. To let your eyes close as you remember how to breathe. To allow yourself to exist because you deserve to exist. You deserve to take up space. To be you."

"I can imagine, but I'd rather not," Xander said dryly. "Don't worry. The bet's not broken. You still got this. Whatever this is."
 
Despite how hard she fought against it, some tears slipped out of Daizi's eyes as she lay there quietly, feeling too many things all at once.

Chewing briefly on his lower lip, Dark half stood up off the couch, wanting to go back upstairs and check on his wife when the door opened and Amty Zeinab came happily back inside with the leftovers of her giant bucket of popcorn. She cheerfully called out to them but then paused at the sight of Dark and Xander on the couch. Taking off her shoes and touching the salt, she came into the living room, "Is... everything okay? You look glum."
 
Alec rubbed her back and started singing softly to her again. It was a song for children, not adults, but he felt the sentiment was accurate.

Little child, be not afraid
Though rain pounds harshly against the glass
Like an unwanted stranger
There is no danger
I am here tonight

Little child, be not afraid
Though thunder explodes and lightning flash
Illuminates your tear-stained face
I am here tonight

And someday you'll know
That nature is so
The same rain that draws you near me
Falls on rivers and land
On forests and sand
Makes the beautiful world that you'll see
In the morning

Xander raised his head to look at her. "Glum is one way to phrase it," he agreed. "Things could be better. Will probably get better. Did you like the popcorn?"
 
As Alec sang to her, the little voice in her mind once more began to chastise her for making her child do this, it wasn't his job. And as she began to cry all over again, she heard her father's voice in her head, calling her emotional and selfish.

"What happened?" Zeinab asked, looking at Dark, who sighed softly, and then told her the truth.

"Daizi and Saladin got into a serious argument. He is... no longer welcome here."
Zeinab blinked in surprise, wondering what could possibly have happened since she left, and Dark gently led her away from Xander so he could quickly provide a run-down of what exactly had been said.

As soon as he finished, Zeinab went upstairs and let herself into Daizi's room, "Habibti?" She said gently, walking up to the bed.
 
Alec flinched when Daizi started to cry again, this time harder. "Mama! Mama, please don't cry," he whimpered. "I'm sorry. Did I say something wrong?" He looked up when Zeinab came in, feeling like he was doing something wrong. "Mama... is not happy," he said, stating the obvious. "I don't know what to do."
 
Zeinab came and sat on the side of the bed, rubbing her grand-niece's arm, "It's okay, Alec," She murmured, "I'm here, Daizi, habibti, come here."

Daizi tried to catch her breath and allowed her aunt to pull her in tightly, "Amty--" she said hoarsely, but Zeinab tutted softly and rocked her like she was a child.

"I know, habibti, it's okay. You're okay," She kissed Daizi's head and then looked at Alec, "You should go see if your father needs anything."
 
"Yes, Amty," Alec agreed softly.

He climbed out of the massive bed and slunk off down the stairs. He made his way to the living room first and found Dark and Xander exactly where he expected them to be. Dark did not look in immediate need of anything, so he sat down next to Xander. Xander, without prompting, put his arm around Alec and drew him in close. Now that Ivy wasn't here and in need of protection, Xander could hold Alec the way he knew his brother longed to be held. It helped them both. Xander wrapped Alec in both arms and felt like he could actually do something about a situation. Alec surrendered himself to being practically balled up and felt protected from the outside world. If only for a moment.
 
Upstairs, Zeinab only rocked Daizi and rubbed her back, letting her niece cry on her shoulder. Now that she was with her aunt, who was more like her grandmother, rather than a friend, her spouse, or child, Daizi finally just allowed herself to sob.

Dark sighed, wanting to go upstairs, but knowing it was better to let Zeinab do what she did best. After looking over at Alec, he shifted closer and found Alec's hand so he could squeeze it. He couldn't do much more with Alec so thoroughly nestled with his brother. "It will be okay," He said and believed it, "Sometimes people just need an evening to be upset."
 
Alec squeezed Dark's hand back, shifting a little bit to free his arm enough to make it comfortable to hold hands with his father. "I just want Mama to feel better," he whispered. "I want her to be able to stop hurting so much. Hasn't she hurt long enough? And tried to hide it? It must be exhausting. I just want her to feel better."
 
"I know," Dark replied, rubbing his thumb against the back of Alec's hand, "I do too. But she is trying. And we are trying." He took a breath, "Sally is taking her to brunch later this week, she's going to try to talk to her, and now Zeinab is going to talk to her. It will help."
 
Alec squeezed Dark's hand lightly and fell silent. He was too tired to talk now. Everyone was safe now, the danger was gone, but the consequences lingered. Fallout was the worst.
 
Dark squeezed his hand back and looked at the stairs. "It will be okay." He repeated. "It will be." He swallowed, still rubbing his thumb against Alec's hand, "I should call Neha."
 
Xander didn't know what that had to do with any of this, but he didn't question Dark. If Dark felt he needed to call her, then he needed to call her. He closed his eyes and rested his cheek on Alec's head.

They didn't mean to, but both twins ended up drifting off into a light sleep where they were.
 
"Amty, Baba hates me," Daizi cried into her aunts' shoulder, allowing herself to be cradled like a small child.

"Shh, no, he doesn't." Amty Zeinab promised, stroking Daizi's hair and continuing to rock her.

"He does," She choked, "This whole time, I thought, I knew, he hated Dark, but I thought he loved me, he's just not good at showing it. But he doesn't even like me, Amty. He thinks I'm this awful, broken, selfish person."

"Drink some water, Daizi."

"He thinks my mother would be disappointed in me, too."

"Saladin was angry and he was lashing out," Zeinab said, trying to reach over to get the cup of water on the bedside table but not being able to quite reach from where they sat, "You didn't deserve that, but don't listen to him."

"Do you think she would be disappointed in me?" Daizi asked meekly.

Zeinab sighed sadly and squeezed her niece close, stroking her hair, "No, habibti. She would be so, so proud of you, just like the rest of us are. You have done amazing things."

Her eyes brimming with tears again, Daizi confessed, "It doesn't feel like it."

"Yi? Baby, you have such an impressive career, and a beautiful family, the most beautiful garden I've ever seen, you're an incredible musician, and you've done so much of it for yourself. Even Saladin is proud of you, he's just too stubborn to say it. And that isn't fair to you, either, because you deserve to hear it." She rubbed Daizi's back in big, slow circles.

Her entire body shuddered as she listened to her aunt, "What if he's right?"

"He isn't, baby."

"But I'm the only one who's not coping," Daizi sobbed, "He said I'm emotional, and I never think about the consequences, I just do things. Dark's not emotional, and he's coping. And I wanted this so badly, and I try so hard, but I--I think I'm getting it wrong, and I know that I'm hurting everyone I care about, even though I keep trying, I keep trying to do it well. Dark is such a good father but I just make mistake, after mistake, and nothing I do seems to help. So maybe Baba was right, Amty what if he was right?"

"He wasn't, Daizi. Trust me."

~~

When Dark finished his phone call, he stood still for a few moments to steady himself and then went back to the twins. Finding them both asleep, he simply stood and found a blanket to drape over the pair of them.
 
Xander stirred slightly and grumbled before settling back down. He didn't fully wake as he shifted to a more comfortable position and burrowed into the blanket. Alec didn't even stir.
 
"Daizi, sweetheart," Zeinab cupped Daizi's face in her hands, doing her best to wipe away her tears, "I have known you since you were just a little baby. I was there the day you were born. I know that you are kind, and ambitious, and you've got the biggest heart out of anybody I know. You aren't a horrible, selfish person. You aren't any of those things. You just know what you need."

"No, I don't, Amty."

"You do, and you're brave enough to take it. You've always been brave enough to take it."

"No, I'm not brave."

"Yes you are, habibti."

"No, I'm not!" Daizi cried out, squeezing her hand around the fabric of her shirt, "I'm a coward. And I'm so ashamed of myself, and every day I'm just pretending. I'm really trying to be good, and to do better, but I don't and I can't because I'm not. My whole life people have doubted, and they've not trusted me, and it's always made me so angry, but they're right to. They're right not to trust me, because I can't trust myself, either. And I try," she touched her hands to her chest, "I try. But I f--- it all up. Again and again, and I want to do better, but then I just f--- it up in new ways, and I am so scared, and I am so ashamed."
Swallowing hard, Zeinab rested her chin on Daizi's head and shut her eyes, continuing to rock her, "What are you afraid of, Daizi?"

"No, I can't--" Daizi gasped, trying to move away, but Zeinab gently held her in place, rubbing her back to soothe her back down.

"You can tell me, baby." Zeinab promised, once more trying to dry her niece's tears, "I am never, ever going to judge you. There is nothing you can do to make me think poorly of you. I promise."

At the gentle words, Daizi cried harder, letting go of herself to instead cling to her aunt, and cried into her shoulder. When she could, she managed to say, "of hurting them."

"Of who? Your children?" Zeinab guessed softly.

"I've hurt them so many times," Daizi choked, "and they don't trust me enough to talk to me when they're hurting because I just... they know the truth about me, that I can't---Before Ivy was born, when I was in labour, I told Alec we were going to have Ivy call us Mama and Baba, and it hurt him so badly he thought we couldn't be a family anymore. And when Xander and I had our incident, I told him to go away, and he tried to run away from home, and just today, I was here, and I was crying, and Alec kept begging for me to stop, and I wanted to, but I couldn't. And now he's going to have to cope with that. I tried so hard to keep it together so I wouldn't upset him, but Baba is right."

"He's not right," Zeinab firmly corrected, "and those other moments---those aren't your fault, habibti. Not really. You're just doing your best, we're all just doing our best."

"I want them to love me like they love Dark, but they don't, and they can't, because they don't feel like they need to protect him. Because he's not weak. He's not fragile, but I am." She sobbed, hardly flinching when Zeinab's hands once more caressed her face, tucking loose strands of hair away, "I'm not enough. And I'm so scared of how I'll hurt my children next. I don't want to hurt them, but I just feel like there's something wrong and broken in me that makes it inevitable, like I'm the source of entropy."

"Daizi," Zeinab whispered, her heart breaking inside her chest, "Listen to me, baby, okay? Listen to me, Daizi. There is nothing wrong with you. Absolutely nothing."

"I'm so ashamed."

"Of what, habibti? Tell me, please," She kissed Daizi's forehead, "I want to help you."

"I love my children," Daizi stuttered, her sobs breaking up her words into small pieces, "I love them, and I wouldn't trade them. You have to understand how much I love them. I'd do anything for them, I'd die for them."

"I know you do, Daizi. Anybody could see that."

"But sometimes," She cried, feeling like the worst person alive, "Sometimes I wish it was just myself and Dark, still. I've wanted this for so many years and now I have it and even though I love them--I catch myself missing when it was just the two of us. I miss the fun we were able to have and I miss not being afraid all of the time, I miss feeling like I could breathe, I miss sleeping, I miss pushing him against the living room wall in the middle of the afternoon without worrying about who might walk in, and I miss knowing who I am. I know it's awful, I know it's disgusting, but I do, and I don't know myself, anymore. I want to be like you, Amty, I try to be like you, but I'm not as strong as you."

"Oh Daizi, ya haraam," Zeinab whispered, pulling Daizi in tight, "That's normal. Everybody feels that way, habibti. It's such a difficult adjustment, and you had to make it in ways that would terrify most people. You aren't disgusting, you don't have anything to be ashamed of. I promise you. When I was just becoming a mother, I felt that way too. You have to remember, Daizi, my sweet, beautiful girl, by the time you met me, I had already raised many, many babies. You're only two years into raising yours."

~~

Dark sighed softly, seeing his twins settled deeply on the couch, and then left the living room, shutting off the lights as he went. He thought about going outside to wait but instead went into the kitchen, poured himself a small glass of whiskey, and went upstairs to sit outside his bedroom door. For the second time in two nights, he listened in, but it didn't feel like it had the night before. The sounds of his wife crying watered down his drink and he desperately wanted to go inside, but in this moment, he had to trust that her aunt had her. If he believed anything, as he listened in, it was that she knew how to help in this instance better than he did.
 
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Alec woke briefly and squirmed out of Xander's grasp enough to lay down. He pulled Xander over gently, and the pair of them nestled back in in a more normal sleeping position.
 
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