How Green Becomes Wood

"No," Daizi replied, wiping her tears from under her sunglasses, "If they had somewhere safe to go, I'd have let them. It would've killed me, but I'd have let them. I want them to be happy, but," She touched one hand to her chest for a moment as she tried to find the words, "I'm waiting for it to be bad again. I'm waiting for when it falls apart again, and they say they think it's not working again. They have my last name, now, but I have my father's. I'm afraid for when they fall apart again, I'm afraid of what happens if Dark or I can't save them, I'm afraid for when someone tries to take Ivy from us again or if something happens to her, because anytime things have seemed okay then they became so much worse than they were before. I'm waiting for when I unknowingly do or say something that breaks everything again. And people tell me, they always tell me, it'd never happen, but it has happened. I can't trust it won't happen again."
 
"Oh, Daizi, love," Sally moaned softly, her heart breaking. "I do so desperately want to tell you that everything will be alright and that those things won't happen again, but you are right. It did happen, which means it has a chance of happening. Children are challenging. People like to say because they act out or when they are young all those physical things like keeping up with them, but, in truth, the most challenging thing about children is understanding how to be there for them. It's the sleepless nights wondering if you made the right decision, worrying if you raised your voice too much, if you are allowing too much freedom without consequences, if you made the right decision in setting a certain rule... and all of that is without fearing you said something wrong. Our children are sensitive. We are their world, their bulwark against the bad things, so what we say or do not say stands so much more importantly in their minds. That said, there is only so much we can fret about what has been. Just as we must apologize to a friend for saying something out of turn, we must apologize to our children and then make our best attempts to move forward or else our relationships can never heal."
 
"I do apologize. And they tell me it's okay and then months later we learn it wasn't fine and it never had been fine," Daizi told her, turning her face away and doing her best not to fully breakdown. They had just sat down, food hadn't even arrived yet. "I don't blame them, I'm not upset at them, it's not their fault. But it's so hard to take learning something which didn't mean much to you at all meant they felt like they couldn't be your family anymore. I live in crisis all of the time and I miss when it wasn't, but I don't think it ever won't be again."
 
"Oh, love. It will be okay. Someday. Maybe not today or tomorrow or even next week, but it will be okay," Sally said gently. "I'm not just saying that to make you feel better. I promise. I know it will be okay because of the way those boys look at you. Even if you could see it, I doubt they would let you for embarrassment, but they are like two puppies of differing types. Alec always looks for you first anytime he enters the room and then Dark. Xander likes to check in, not to take care of you, I don't think, but to reassure himself. He'll look, give a little nod, and go back to whatever he was doing. I doubt he even realizes it. They love you so much, and they want to find the same peace you do. With that combine, you will find a way through. Just like how you told me about the early days of you and Dark. You had less riding on your success, I am sure, but you were both determined to make it work."
 
"I don't know if it will," Daizi murmured, "For two years I've been saying it'll get better. And it keeps seeming like it's going to, and I keep letting myself relax. The day before Ivy's birthday, the day before, Tristan yelled at Alec and called him stupid. Dark had to pull over into a random parking lot to calm Alec down. Dark was so angry about it. Then her birthday is beautiful, even though it hurt. Then I got into this fight with my father. And we're all choosing to trust Tristan meant it was okay, and apparently my father keeps texting my family members to try to get me to talk to him, and it's been two years living on a leaking boat and I can't keep bailing out the water." She held her face in her hands for a few moments with her fingers underneath her sunglasses, "They don't trust me like they trust him. At least when Dark and I were kids and stumbling through our relationship I was too stupid to know what hurt. And we were equals, it wasn't my job to take care of him."
 
Sally was glad for once that Daizi couldn't see her expression as she tried to sort that out. There was a lot going on, a lot that she hadn't heard about. Thankfully, the server returned with their order, and she was given some time to think about it.

"Your father is his own man. As the children say, he messed about, and now he is finding out," she said succinctly. "You have given him years of your life and offered sacrifice after sacrifice. You owe him nothing. Not even to accept whatever apology he may offer, if you do not wish to. Or you may accept, if you wish, but that is for later. Tristan yelling at Alec is another issue. Daizi... Why are you bailing out this boat alone? Why are you bailing at all instead of coming to shore and resting? What have you done to look after yourself?"
 
"I'm not alone," She said quietly, feeling defeated, "I know that, I have my husband beside me, and he tries so hard too... but it's so much easier for him." She swallowed hard, turning her face towards the wall, "and we can't make it to the shore. It's like... someone opened the wind bag and we can't make it home because there's always another storm. I can hardly play music anymore. I don't have anything that's mine anymore."
 
"I didn't have many hobbies before. I played piano, I played the harp, I gardened. Some people talk about witchcraft like it's a hobby, but it's not. I had my rats, so I'd play with them. I still have Neith, I like holding her, but you can't do it too often. But owning pets isn't really a hobby either. So I had music, and I had my garden, but I taught Alec to play, when he first moved in with us, because he needed something. And both boys help me garden, now. So now..." She stayed partially turned away, "My garden feels shared. Dark would always help me with the harvests, but it's myself and the boys with the weeds and watering now. And Alec works at the flower shop, so... It just... It doesn't feel like it belongs to me, like it used to. And with the music... We used to play a lot, the two of us, and after Ivy was born, I made a point to invite him to play with me just so he knew I hadn't forgotten him." She inhaled sharply, "Not knowing all the while he thought I didn't actually want him. It's not that I think if I go and play by myself he'll take it personally, although who knows, I just... I go in there to play, and nothing feels right, anymore. I can't focus. It doesn't make me feel like it used to, so I just... I can't."
 
"Daizi, you need something that is yours," Sally said gently. "I know it is an easy thing to say, especially as someone with only one child, but, darling, you are giving so much of yourself that your well is empty and now you are breaking off pieces of yourself to fill in the gap. I am very worried about you. You are a wonderful mother. I know you don't always feel it, you just told me some reasons why, but the very fact that you are so worried about what you are doing wrong helps to prove that you are a wonderful mother. You face these problems head on with all you have, but you have emptied yourself so much that you don't have much in you. You are like a vase filled with chips and cracks that needs time to heal before it can hold more water, and that is why the boys do not bring more to you. It is not that they do not trust you; it's that they are terrified you'll break, and you will! Just for a little bit of time, you need to be selfish. You need to look out for yourself. Before you argue with me, I want you to think about what you would do if I or any of your friends were in this state. Why do you deserve love, care, healing, and rest any less than the rest of us? Don't you deserve to be treated by another person with basic human kindness? So why don't you treat yourself that way?"
 
"I don't know how Sally," Daizi admitted, trying in vain to wipe her tears before they rolled down her cheeks, "I don't even feel connected to myself anymore, I lost something fundamental at some point and I don't know where it went. Xander pointed it out, once, and I had this---overdramatic, embarrassing breakdown over it, but it was the first time I realized. I just... It's not... I want to love my favourite things, again. I want to feel good about myself again. But most of the time I'm just glad my husband still likes me."
 
"Oh, darling," Sally murmured. She reached out and clasped Daizi's hands in her. "There are very few things I can imagine more terrifying than that. I am so sorry you have been feeling like this for so long." She paused, trying desperately to think of what to say next. "I don't know the answer to this problem," she finally admitted. "I don't know how to help you find yourself again. All I know is that my heart and soul ache for you, and if I had an answer, I would give it to you. I want to help you find yourself again. Your strong, beautiful, independent, stubbornly selfless self."
 
"Every time there's a knock at the door that I'm not expecting I freeze up," She whispered, "I know it's been almost a year, but I do. And Xander had said I had been tamed, and I miss who I used to be, and I have this man with gorgeous arms who carries me to bed and brings me breakfast and draws me baths and braids my hair and listens, and I feel like I'm letting him down, and I feel like I'm letting my children down, and I was so, so happy on Ivy's birthday. It was hard because I have lost so many pregnancies, but I was still so happy. I don't want to hurt them."
 
"Daizi, darling, I want you to hear me," Sally said, gently but firmly. "You are not letting them down. I swear to you, you are not letting them down. I can guarantee you that your husband feels he is letting you down because he cannot heal your hurt. And you are hurt. Deeply. What you suffered last year, with the CPS and all of that, that was a deep, deep wound and utterly terrifying. It is understandable that you would freeze up like that. It is understandable you would fear like you are. It does not matter that a certain amount of time has passed, it has not been sufficient for you to heal properly. And that's all we want. All of us. For you to heal. You will not hurtyour children by taking time away from them to help yourself heal; you will be helping them by becoming stronger. You have not been tamed. I do not even know if you know the meaning of that word. What you are is a wild animal that is wounded and exhausted and in need of a little help before you are soaring free again or running or whatever else wild things do."
 
"You take time by choosing to be away from them and telling yourself that it is as if you are in the hospt- at a spa for the recovery of your mind," Sally said gently. After you have fed Ivy, you go and you do something for yourself. Sit on the couch and read a book. Sit in the garden and listen to the wind while smelling the flowers - or what is left of them. Have a bath. Listen to music. Or simply sit and allow yourself to exist and take up space. Let Dark tend to Ivy for a couple of hours. Talk to him and set up times where you can step away and be you for a bit. If you need, I can give you a ride to anywhere outside the house, and I can either be with you or set you free to do whatever you will wherever you will."
 
Daizi fell silent for awhile, her breath and shoulders trembling, "Our family therapist told me to take time for myself every day. I try to, I do. But it's so hard. I don't mean finding the time, Ivy naps. The twins are in school... I work, though. It's not the time, I can't focus. And I feel so guilty, because Dark does most of the childcare during the week because I work remote, it's not like she's primarily my responsibility during the day, I take more breaks so I can join him, but he makes all of her solid meals, he keeps her occupied, and he's thriving but I..." Her face crumpled again, thinking not for the first time about the consequences of tempting fate.
 
"And you work hard to provide the money our society requires to keep a household running," Sally said firmly. "You feed her, you rock her, you listen to her little sounds, you talk to her and read to her, you make yourself available as much as you can. You listen to your boys. You open lines of communication. Do not sell yourself short. Think of how you would comfort Dark if the roles were reversed and he held a so-called traditional job. You would not let him sell himself short, would you? As for taking time for yourself... it takes practice. It sounds like it should be easy, but it's not. It is hard to focus because you are trying to focus. It is like trying to will yourself to sleep. You are trying. That is no small feat. You are trying. It is okay to feel overwhelmed and to miss what you once had. It is okay to feel sorrow when you look at Ivy and she reminds you of the ones you lost. That does not make you a bad mother. The opposite. It makes you a good mother; grateful and joyful for what you have yet mourning what you have lost. Nothing about motherhood is simple, and nor are emotions. It is only right that you feel conflicting emotions."
 
Daizi did remember how she comforted Dark when he was still working and struggling so desperately. Her heart squeezed at the memory. All of her boys were hurting then, to her memory, and she was the only one there to hold them together. "I feel like I'm drowning in it even though I wanted it so badly."
 
"That is not a bad thing to feel. You are not bad or flawed for feeling that way. I think it is safe to say all mothers feel that way, especially with their first, and you had a complicated first birth and two highly emotional teenagers in the span of a few months. It makes sense that you would feel this way no matter how overjoyed you are to have your three children," Sally assured her.
 
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