How Green Becomes Wood

"I think he is scared," Dark replied, pulling his coat more tightly around him, "but that is not an excuse, only an explanation."

Daizi pulled him in close and rocked him, stroking his hair with one hand. She didn't say any words, she just held him tight and gently shushed him while she let him just cry out everything that needed to be cried.
 
"It's stupid," Xander growled. "It's stupid, stupid, stupid." He was slowly calming down a bit, and he released his hair as he kept walking. Eventually, his strides slowed to a stop, and he stood staring at the night sky. Then he turned to look at Dark. "You knew. Didn't you?"

It took him a while, but finally, Alec cried himself out. He lay limp and quiet in Daizi's arms, the occassional tear escaping, but he was too exhausted to do much else but sit there and be held. The overwhelming feeling of dread and remorse and a hint of anger drowned everything else out.
 
The intense dread Dark felt about what this confession would do was not enough to induce him to lie, "Yes I knew. But I did not encourage or support him lying to you."

Once he stopped sobbing, Daizi just rubbed his back with big, slow circles. "I've got you," she murmured to him, "Mama's got you."
 
Xander didn't say anything for a moment, just staring at the tiny lights above. "He's the one that should have told me," he finally said. He turned back toward home, but he didn't want to go back. Not yet. Most of the rage had simmered down by now, but pain had taken its place. He didn't want to have to face it just yet, but it was cold out here.

"I broke everything, Mama," Alec whispered. "All of it. I broke it."
 
"Yes, he should have been, and he should have done." Dark replied, turning towards the house with him.

"No you didn't habibi," Daizi replied, rubbing his back, "You didn't make the best choices, but everything is not broken. Just hurting."
 
Xander started walking back, moving much more slowly toward the house than he had away from it. "I hate this," he stated forcefully.

Alec squeezed his eyes shut. "I just wanted to do things my way. Just this time. I wanted to go my way. Why doesn't it ever work when I try to do things my way? It never works."
 
"It's stupid. The whole thing," Xander grumbled. "How do you stand teenagers?"

"I wanted to succeed. On my own. In my own way. To show I can be more than the sparkly, shiny one. That I can make choices," Alec whimpered. "It wasn't supposed to turn out like this."
 
Dark looked dryly at Xander for a few moments befote answering, "By remembering what it was like when I was one."

Privately wondering how a secret girlfriend, choosing to no longer give his best effort in school, and the rest of it proved he was capable, Daizi said, "You're still figuring out what your way is meant to be. You're just stumbling along the way. We all already know you're more than just sparkly. We just also love that part of you, because it takes a hell of a lot of strength to stay sparkly after what you've experienced."
 
Xander snorted. "You're the bigger man. I never want to deal with teens ever again when I'm not one anymore."

Alec pressed his face against her for a moment. "I wanted to tell him. I wasn't ready. I was going to tell him. I thought he'd be mad, and I wanted to be prepared. This was worse. So much worse. And I wanted... I wanted to do other things, so many other things! But there's never enough time. I was just trying to find more time. I was choosing what to give time to instead of trying to do it all 100%. It was supposed to work. I just wanted it to work!"
 
"Unfortunately you will have to," Dark pointed out, "You have a little sister. And she will cause her own kind of terror."


"Sometimes, that is how things go," Daizi said gently, "The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray. But we're all still alive, so there's still time to make things right. As for everything you want to do..." She kissed his head, "That's just time management. It's a skill like anything else."
 
"Yeah, but by the time she's a teenager, I'll be really old, and you'll be ancient, so it won't be my problem," Xander replied.

"I just want to try to do something. Something to leave a mark. But history isn't kind, and there's so much to do before I die. I just... I wanted to plan my own way. Figure things out myself. No one would help me, anyway," Alec whispered.
 
"You should not delude yourself to believe she will not act this way when you are visiting," Dark replied, "You will not be a mere house guest."

"Habibi, you're sixteen. You have plenty of time still to make your mark. You have your whole life still ahead of you." Daizi consoled him, "Why do you think nobody would help you?"
 
"Yeah, but it'll be easier to ignore. It won't hurt as deep," Xander said. He stopped in front of Lex's house, staring at his own. "I'll be older and wiser and dumber. And it won't hurt the same because she's not..." He trailed off, idly gesturing with one hand. His twin with whom he'd grown up.

Alec didn't answer her. He was worn out clear to his soul. He didn't have anything left. No fight. No explanations. Nothing left. He wished the world around him would just stop and let him exist in a void as he struggled to get his mind straight. Nothing felt real. Not even himself to himself.
 
"I know." Dark replied, pausing next to him, able to guess the end of this sentence without it being said. "Nothing about this is easy. Nobody will begrudge you for being hurt. Regardless of what he is dealing with, he still hurt you. You are allowed to feel that way."

The way Alec was flopped against her broke her heart, and as she continued to rub his back, she failed to hold back her own tears, although they fell silently. She knew this. She recognized this. "You never have to hide with me, Alec," She swore to him, "I love all parts of you. Even the ones that are not sparkly. You can show those parts to me."
 
Xander didn't say anything for a bit, letting the sounds of the night fill the silence. "I don't want to deal with him," he finally said. "I'm sorry, I know you've got your own crap you have to handle plus the mini, but I just... I can't. Not for a while. Maybe eventually, but not now. I'm tired of being the second dad to him."

"Don't want to," Alec whispered to Daizi. "Don't want to show it. Don't want to look at it. I just want it to go away."
 
"You will have to eventually." Dark told him, but did not turn towards home, "But you do not need to tonight. You may love and care for him, but he is not your responsibility."

"It won't if you ignore it," Daizi told him, running her long fingers through his hair, "If you're scared of it, if you hide from it, it will just grow and grow."
 
"Thanks," Xander said quietly. He felt a little bit guilty with how relieved he felt, but only a little bit. He stood still staring at nothing until he finally shivered. "We should go inside. Unless you want to build an igloo out here."

Alec dropped the bear and clutched at the front of Daizi's shirt with both hands. "Please, Mama, please stop," he whimpered. "Please. I can't!"
 
"Build it with what?" Dark asked, heading towards home, "It has yet to snow."

His desperation broke her heart, and while her own tears freely down her own face, she gently cupped his face in her hands and wiped his tears with his thumbs, "I would not tell you if it wasn't true," she whispered to him, "but you won't be alone. As long as I'm alive, you'll never be alone."
 
"Hmm. Good point. Inside it is, I guess," Xander said, following his father. As they reached the front door, he added, "I'm going to sleep on the couch tonight."

Alec closed his eyes and leaned into her, crying harder again. It seemed he could never stop crying in these situations. It annoyed him, but what was there to do about it? Drown, maybe. Could you drown inside from not crying? He was beginning to wonder if he was going to drown from crying. He just wanted all of this to stop! Why did they constantly have to cycle through all this pain?
 
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