How Green Becomes Wood

"Okay." Alec closed his eyes, not really responding noticeably to Daizi's touch, but he did appreciate it. "I'm sorry, Mama. I just want to stop existing for a while. My... I guess soul. It hurts. I want to hide, please."
 
Alec burrowed deep under the blankets and lay with his eyes open, staring at nothing, trying to feel nothing, but feeling so much despite his best efforts. He was angry, still, feeling vaguely insulted even though he wasn't sure why. He felt wronged. Why should he be in trouble for all of this? Why did he get to be yelled at and accused of lying by Xander and expected to act like everything was fine? It seemed like everyone around him was lying about something or other. Why was he the one in trouble for it? He knew, deep down, he was being childish and was being and had been selfish, but he didn't want to focus on that. Not right now. The anger was the only thing holding him up from the gaping hole opening under his feet. He knew he'd hurt Xander, hurt him deeply. He knew he'd hurt his father. He'd probably hurt Daizi, too, with how he'd been acting. She was still caring for him, but that was Daizi. What happened when she couldn't take it anymore? What happened when Dark couldn't handle the pain of it or the pain Alec was causing Daizi? What happened if he'd pushed Xander too far? None of this were things he wanted to think about, but they were the things haunting him.

Meanwhile, at school, Xander was trying to remember what it was he did when he and Alec came to school early with Dark. He wandered into the gym and looked for a place to do some studying, figuing he might as well be productive with this unexpected time.
 
"Yeah, I will," Dark was saying on the phone as Daizi came back downstairs, "No, I do not know about today. Maybe tomorrow? Because I cannot just leave, Tarot is working, I have to watch the baby. Well, yes, she can, but she needs notice. It is not that I do not want to, I just do not see how I can."

~~

At school, Milo was scurrying to try to get under the bleachers to wait for the start of the day, but he stopped when he noticed a certain red head. All alone. So, he changed course and went to sit beside him, "Hey dude. You're here early."
 
"Hey," Xander greeted him. "Alec's home sick," he said in answer to the unasked question. "I got up early and just sort of ended up here." He snorted softly. "Would have been a time this'd be the last place I wanted to be."
 
"Oh. I hope he feels better soon." Milo said, looking at his friend for a few moments and silently trying to determine if that's all there was to it, "Is this the first place you wanted to be, or just somewhere that's not where you not wanted to be?"
 
Xander took a second to decipher that statement. "It's not somewhere that I do not want to be," he finally said. "Not loving being Herr, but it's better than being elsewhere."
 
"So did I," Xander said bluntly. He tapped the bench harder until he realized what he was doing and forced himself to stop. "I mean, I've always kind of figured he wasn't as serious as me about it, especially recently, but I thought we'd, you know, talk about it before I found sappy romance texts on his phone." He glanced at Milo and added, "By accident when I was on it by permission before you get the idea I was snooping."
 
"I mean you two are really close to each other so I just figured you both are more open with each other's phones and stuff," Milo said to assure Xander he wouldn't presume anything untoward, "So he's just been keeping it secret from you? That's sort of..." He started to say something and then decided against it.
 
"Underhanded? Insulting? A real jerk-move?" Xander suggested. He dug into his bag for a fidget toy, puzzle, or stress ball and came out with a Rubik's cube. He glared at it for a moment as if it was its fault that it wasn't what he wanted but then started flicking the squares around.
 
"I was going to say f*****." Milo said, "I feel like if your identity is so heavily tied to having one person you trust more than anyone else in the world, but then you can't be honest with them, then it's not just like... about the girlfriend. It's like holding you responsible to a ruleset he isn't committed to anymore and it's not fair."
 
Xander paused in turning the cube to look at Milo. "Yeah.. Yes, it's that! Exactly that!" he agreed, relieved to have someone put it into words for him. "I mean, I probably would have been kind of upset if he'd told me about it from the start," he admitted, returning to turning the cube this way and that, "but I'd have understood. Just because I don't like it doesn't mean I don't get it, but, yeah, it's about way more than just the girlfriend thing. It was like... getting stabbed in the back with a corn cob."
 
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