How Green Becomes Wood

Daizi's heart broke in her chest and she wanted so desperately to walk to him, but couldn't for the mess, "Alec, baby, everything is not screwed up. I know it seems like it right now, but it's not." Inhaling, she touched her hand to her heart and told him, "We all love you, Alec. We need you. We like you. We all want you to exist. Our lives are better with you in it. The world is better with you in it." She put out her hands to him, "I want to walk to you, habibi, I really do."
 
"It's not better!" Alec kicked a pile of clothes, sending them scattering even more. "The world doesn't care if I'm in it! In two years time, most people will have forgotten I ever existed in the first place, and those that do remember, they'll remember the good times for a while, and then they'll remember how selfish and self-centered and beligerant I was, and then they'll be like, 'maybe he wasn't that great." He kicked another pile. "I contribute nothing but humor and misery. That's it! And I'm tired! I'm tired of being me! I'm tired of feeling like me! I'm tired of acting like me! I don't want to be me anymore, but I can't be anyone else!"
 
"Most people don't love you like we do, Alec," Daizi told him, "Two years from now you won't remember most people from your high school either, but those aren't the people who really matter. You contribute so much, Alec, listen to me. Please hear me. You do, habibi." She tried to feel out the floor with her feet to try to walk closer to him, but not even knowing what she had in his room made it really, really hard.
 
Alec rubbed a hand angrily across his eyes. "Really? Like what?" he demanded. "Glitter and sparkles that no one except maybe Becky likes? Advice no one wants to hear? Trash accumulation?" He savagely kicked a tangle of metal mobils, earning not much movement but a lot of noise. "Stress to everyone around him? Poor life choices? Fights? Depression? Extra work? You're right! I do contribute a lot!"
 
Daizi flinched at the sound of crashing metal and stopped trying to advance, "Stress and depression also describe your father and I," Daizi pointed out, "Even if most of us wouldn't wear as much glitter as you, we still love that you love it. You play music with me, you make beautiful music, and you're sweet, and you have great ideas."
 
"If I had great ideas, we wouldn't be here right now, would we?" Alec demanded angrily. Something crunched under his foot, but he didn't even care what it was. "If I had great ideas, none of this would have happened! And I'm not sweet! I get into fights every other day with Ba, Xander can't stand me anymore, and most of my other friends tolerate me at best."
 
"We've had so many great memories because of your suggestions," Daizi told him, "You give such beautiful gifts, and we all had so much fun out in the snow. That was your idea, wasn't it? You're sweet to me, and you're sweet to Ivy. You're so kind to Ivy."
 
"Ivy won't even care about me for much longer! I'm too old for her!" Alec wailed. "You don't get it! You just don't get it! I don't care what warm and fuzzy things I might have done! I don't care! You know all of this is my fault! You know it! You pretend like everything is going to be fine, but you know it's not, and you know it's my fault, and you blame me, and don't you try to lie and say you don't because I know you do! I have proof!"
 
"Okay, yes, fine!" Daizi replied, throwing her arms out to the side, "You have been acting immature and selfish! And your father and I have been falling over ourselves trying to find a way to help you because we know you aren't doing it on purpose, and we know that you're struggling, and in response you've been throwing," She gestured to the rooms, "Tantrums. And yes, you do just need to face the consequences of your actions and live with it instead of... whatever this has been. But you are also sixteen, so we expect you to be selfish and immature! Do not disrespect me by thinking any of that changes how much I feel about you. Your brother hit me in crisis and I forgave him. Do not flatter yourself to think I cannot also forgive you."
 
"I don't want you to forgive me!" Alec shouted back. "I don't want your forgiveness! I don't want it! I don't want any of it! I don't want to be selfish! I don't want to be immature! I don't want to act like this! I don't want any of this! I don't want it! I don't want to be here! I don't want to think like this! I want it to all stop! But it won't! It can't! I can't! I just want it all to stop!"
 
Daizi inhaled softly, dropping her hands to her sides, standing too stiffly for her shoulders to tremble, "Do not," She said, her voice tight and hoarse, "do not make me go through that again. Do not make me find someone I love like that again. Do not make me lose another son."
 
Daizi's tone hit Alec in his near panic mode before her words did. When he finally stopped moving and looked at her, then the words registered. A cold blanket of sharp ice flowed over him, dousing the fire in his soul and leaving him standing there in his tattered room staring at his mother as she remembered pains that he could never fully grasp, never understand the weight and depth of. He looked down at his hands and clenched them, too. He started shaking. There was nothing left in him. No fire, no anger, no distractions, nothing. Nothing but cold, dark emptiness. The silence stretched out.

"Mama," he whispered, his voice cracking slightly, "I'm scared."
 
"I'm scared too," She replied, standing all alone on the edges of the mess she couldn't walk through, doing her best to keep her breathing even, "That's why we aren't doing it alone."
 
Alec pressed the heels of both hands to his eyes. "I feel alone, Mama," he whimpered. "I know I'm not. I know you're here. I know Ba's here. Xander was here, but now he's gone, and when I'm alone... It's so dark, Mama! It's so dark. When I'm still and quiet, it's like... I'm... I don't know. A monster inside. It's waiting for me. A siren in a dark pool."
 
Alec sagged down to sit in the middle of the chaos he'd created. "But it hurts, Mama. It hurts to face it. It hurts to try to think about it or do anything with it. I'm afraid of it. I don't want to face it; I want it to go away. To be locked in a cage and buried deep. I'm afraid... of letting it out. I'm afraid it will get worse. It already has been getting worse. Every day. I fight it all the time, and I'm so tired of fighting it. I just... I don't want to die, but I don't want to continue, either. If I just keep moving fast enough. Maybe. Maybe it'll be quiet."
 
"It's going to hurt, habibi," Daizi told him, "But it will hurt more if you live in fear of it. The only way to guarantee it will get worse is not not working on it. The only way out is through. And it's okay to need help."
 
Alec stayed where he was for a minute, wrapped in a blanket of misery and icy-cold fear coupled with absolute emotional exhaustion. Finally, he got up and made his way over to Daizi, tripping a couple of times despite being able to see where he was going. He knelt down and laid on the floor, curled in a little ball with his head in Daizi's lap. "I'm sorry, Mama," he whispered, aching down to his bones. "I'm so sorry."
 
Alec stayed where he was, sniffling softly, soaking in Daizi's care and warmth. He didn't know what he'd do if Daizi ever couldn't fill this role. He didn't want to think about it. He wanted her and Dark to be eternal. Forever there, forever warm, forever solid in their love.

"Dr. Hepburn is mean," he finally mumbled into Daizi's leg. "I don't like her. She does... she does really good work."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top