New User I looked up sites that could help me on my writing, critique it. It gave me a list and chose here.

[Tsubasa Shiyogama]

So i am building and writing a new world, that i am hoping will be picked up by Pathfinder, preferably under a 1st edition based game. Looking for help via critiquing what i have written and give me pointers. I write in cinematic style. Any help would be appreciated.