Vacillation (1x1 Mamoru and Avery)

"Only suffice?" Edmund chuckled. "And here I thought my company could offer much more."

Gently, Edmund nuzzled into Oliver's neck. He relished the dull tickle of hair against his cheek, and the alchemy of Oliver's scent. A chemical blend of soft woods and something sharply green. Vetiver? Sage? All mellowed by the balm and heat of Oliver's skin. Whatever fragrance came in fashion, Edmund knew that undertone would marry well with it. Oliver was enthralling in that subtle way.

Edmund placed a lazy, open-mouthed kiss against Oliver's neck, sighing happily. So heavy with somnolence, but afraid of morning. "I don't know if I want to sleep." he confessed. Though between alcohol and fatigue, Edmund already felt the vice of Morpheus tightening. Dream and reality dared to flicker like a thaumatrope. Was it possible to sleep standing?
 
Oliver let out a deep breath. If he wanted to go anywhere now, it was certainly not going to happen. The warmth and solid form of Edmund behind him made him never wish to leave at this point. He closed his eyes as well, but stayed careful to keep his balance.

"Well, you're going to have to sleep." Oliver unwillingly pried Edmund's arms from his body before pulling him back to the bed, collapsing upon the plush mattress with a hum of content. He felt his aches and stiffness practically melt away as he sunk into the bed. He pulled Edmund towards him, now his turn to wrap his arms around the other and hold him close. He wanted the warmth to stay.

"I'm dead tired. So if I fall asleep at any second, I guess you can enjoy my slumbering face." Oliver added after the two finally settled down. He pressed his own kiss to the back of Edmund's neck, creating a trail that led down to the crook of his neck, where he nestled his face. All of the fatigue and exhaustion from the day swept over Oliver, and his eyes grew more than heavy.
 
It was tempting to raise petulant protest of sleep, but Oliver's touch was more cogent then any argument could've been. Edmund readily followed his lead. He could have made his grave in that bed with Oliver wrapped around him, the kisses on his neck teasingly stirring, and the warmth slowly pulling him deeper into sleep. But-

"I hate to do this." Edmund begrudgingly began, prying himself from Oliver. "But I need to take off my shoes. And belt. And shirt. And close the curtains." Among other things, like empty his pockets and move what he'd already discarded. As quickly as his state would allow, Edmund did as he'd listed. He jerked his belt and shoes free, shed his shirt and laid the them neatly to the side with his coat and formerly pocketed miscellany. The curtains were then seen to. With each one closed, the room became progressively more tenebrous. At the last, Edmund appeared only as a black silhouette against the pale of night. Then he closed it.

And the room was swallowed by palpable, impenetrable darkness.

It must have been divine intervention that Edmund returned to bed without accident or delay. The mattress dipped beneath his weight as he leaned over Oliver's somnolent, potentially sleeping, body and kissed him one last time. It was off-center, tired, and felt like goodbye. But Edmund wasn't leaving. He settled in tight beside Oliver and pulled the covers protectively over them. Nothing could violate the safety and comfort of that cocoon. Reality felt so distant. And between heartbeats, Edmund sunk into restless sleep.

It was hard to say he slept, let alone dreamed, but in that seemingly transient time of unconsciousness, there was a single, dreamed scene that would cling to Edmund's memory upon waking. In it, he was in his mother's tenement. It felt like the heart of a conflagration, searing and pricking heat surrounded him while he lay pinned in bed beneath patchwork blankets. His sister, Edith, was doing needlepoint by the fire. She was still sixteen in Edmund's memory, but her eyes beget a perspicacity granted only by senescence. The cold of her gaze cut like a knife as she looked across to him.

How long had it been since they shared each other's company. Edmund and Edith. Mama's little eddies, can't never not cause a ripple. Always stirring trouble. He was fourteen when he left for good. He'd lost track of the years. He wanted to tell her, your witchcraft can't save mother. But before he could, Edith answered.

'It's not gonna save you either, mud-rat.' She warned, her needle making an audible puncture. 'You're tracking footprints.'

The heat of the fire swelled, but its glow narrowed to a cold white point, and then-

Edmund awoke, his body on fire. The alcohol had since left his system and the restriction of his veins relaxed. Blood pulsed through him in waves of heat. It was suffocating and he needed water, badly. At the edges of his perception, a headache was starting to intensify. Carefully, Edmund slunk from bed, hoping he hadn't disturbed Oliver. In the pre-dawn dark, he pulled on his shoes and shirt and left for the kitchens.

The air was still cool and wet. The kitchens had only just begun morning preparation for breakfast, their fires yet to burn the morning dew. Edmund filled a mug from the water barrel and drank like a fish. From his periphery, he noted one of the staff eyeing him as they pulled dough from the proving drawer.

"Morning." Edmund greeted succinctly after swallowing.

The man smiled in return. "Nice chain you got there."

Edmund instinctively looked down and noted the necklace he'd failed to hide. He dismissed it passively, half-lying. "Hell of a night, yeah? Nobles have a way with gifts. Not that I remember much. I feel like I was kicked by a horse. Fucking hungover, under and over again."

"Y' certainly look it." he laughed in agreement.

"Don't suppose you could fill me in on anything happening to Oliver Van Haver."

"Van Haver? You mean Oliver Van Haver the king of-"

"Yeah, that one." Edmund interjected, motioning for the man to get on with it.

He paused though, eyeing Edmund up. "You wouldn't happen to be his butler, would you?"

"Something to that effect."

"And you found the time to get plastered?" He asked, incredulous and delighted.

"What can I say. The lad likes his independence and time to brood." Edmund lied smoothly, duplicity practically his birthright. "Can't blame me for taking a bit of a vacation."

"Can't say I do." the man confessed, looking to his dough knowingly.

"So..." Edmund drawled, refilling his mug with water. "Anything of note happen."

He chuckled before divulging conversationally, "Well, Oliver's father isn't much to live up to in times of peace, so most figure the king's more likely to fill a hole than a role. Know what I mean?" Edmund smiled fictitiously into his mug in acknowledgement. Internally he seethed. "And after last night, bets are on Lady Geneva. That the king left the reception early, after their dance, seems to bode well for such. Or, that's what they're saying at least. I don't think she retired with him, but hey, people can hope. Nothing like royal brats to boost the economy, no?"

"Nothing like." Edmund parroted, setting his mostly empty mug aside. "Thanks for the update. I'll try to pass along a good word for you...?"

"Todd Larson." he clarified.

"Todd. I'll remember that." Edmund wasn't going to say shit. "Thanks again."

"Any time."

Edmund instead cataloged the woman's name into memory. He wasn't familiar enough with nobility to recall her family, status, and degree of importance. But, if necessary, he'd learn it. Though, until Oliver made his decision, none of it mattered. Without dallying further, Edmund surreptitiously returned to Oliver's room and closed the door gently behind himself. The lock, however, clanked damnably loud into place.
 
Oliver had never really been a person who had dreams. Whenever he'd awaken the next day, feeling either refreshed and awake or worse than he did when he was going to bed the night before, he'd recall only what had happened before he went to sleep. Never peculiar images his mind conjured that had some meaning. Never dreamt of floating with the clouds which would represent his wish to do as he pleased. Never dreamt of demons and monsters which would grab hold of him while he lay, paralyzed and unable to even speak a hoarse whisper. He had absolutely none of it.

So when he awoke this morning, well, more like startled awake, he was violently pulled from the alternate world of his mind -- he had a dream.

Well, if you could call it that.

His parents were there. Smiling, happy, unlike the regal, poised seriousness they held in composure in paintings displayed around the castle in honor of the two late rulers. They spoke with Oliver, just as they usually had. Questions of his studies, of the recent ball, any girl who caught his eye. It felt almost perfectly planned that just as his parents asked yet again the question of if he found a girl he could possibly marry, Edmund strolled into the room, face blank and emotionless as he refilled the whine glasses of everyone's at the table. Oliver sat transfixed, staring at him. The room went silent. His parents didn't push him to reply. Soon enough Edmund left and Oliver looked back to his parents, only to find them grotesquely decaying away, flesh deteriorating, bone blackened and dirtied, their distinguishing features now distorted and dissipating. Oliver felt ready to vomit.

The dream was unable to progress any further when the sound of the lock clicking loudly alerted him awake. Oliver was never the deepest sleeper, always startled awake by noises. Perhaps that was why he never dreamt. He slept too light.

Groggily Oliver opened his eyes and groaned softly. Although the curtains were still drawn, small slivers of light poked trough, one of which right on his face. He slowly turned himself so his body layed on its other side and looked toward the door.

"Edmund?" He mumbled, though in the silence of the room it carried decently well. He unconciously had been wondering where Edmund was when he awoke. He hoped it wasn't a servant of Johannsen's he was calling to instead of Edmund.
 
"Yes." Edmund answered. "It's me." For a moment, he felt like a child, caught and reproached by a stringent parent. But it was only his compunction at having woken Oliver. He had hoped to be able to slip back in bed without notice, safe as houses, once again beside Oliver. The lock, however, cruelly dashed that. Edmund sighed irritably at his luck. And in the pre-dawn gloom, he walked softly across the distance between to sit beside Oliver.

"I woke you didn't I?" he asked apologetically. "I only meant to step out for a moment." Edmund placed a hand by Oliver's shoulder, supporting his weight as he leaned in, thinking of kissing Oliver, but... He stopped. That name echoed from his memory. Geneva. And Edmund felt his despondency from yesterday wash over him anew, a black tide daring to pull him deeper to despair. Maybe what they shared was already over. The necklace, heavy with symbolic meaning, hung between them, winking like a tear.

"Is there anything I can get you while I still have my shoes on?" Edmund offered, trying to smile.
 
"You woke me from a bad dream," Oliver replied, a bit disappointed in the lack of a kiss. He didn't hold it against him, however, merely glad to still be in bed and could be for a while with Edmund's generous offer. Oliver could see the necklace hanging from Edmund's neck. It looked so nice there, he was sure he wouldn't forget it.

"You can take off your shoes and join me back in bed," Oliver suggested, hopeful. Nothing felt nicer than waking up peacefully with someone else. Well, while he didn't have it this morning, he could pretend he did with Edmund coming back into bed with him now. At this point, he made up his mind about what he wanted to do, but he tried to ignore the fact that it would possibly harm Edmund in the future. Having the distraction of simple intimacy and closeness let his mind stay focused on the now and not the later.
 
It wasn't clear that Oliver was going to end their affair or not. Edmund couldn't say if Oliver had even settled on an answer, but he felt the suggestion, the welcome, of returning to bed was an intimation of continued relations. At least until breakfast. And Edmund would take what he could get. There'd be time to wallow if things came apart. Distantly, he hoped their stitching was stronger than Oliver's will if it came to such. Even if separation could spare Edmund from something worse.

"I hope it wasn't about me then." Edmund bantered casually. "Wouldn't want a dream version of me to get the best of you before I've even a taste." He quickly kissed Oliver cheek before straightening and unlacing his shoes. They were then kicked off, nowhere near his other belongings, but Edmund couldn't care. He stood to lift the blankets and gestured Oliver over. "Make room, yeah?" He didn't want to walk around, climb over, or miss the opportunity to steal the spot Oliver had already warmed. Edmund's side had likely gone cool in his absence.
 
As much as Oliver didn't want to move, he scooted over in the bed to make room for Edmund, following the movement with a low groan and a playful glare at Edmund. As soon as he settled in, his arm was immediately draped over him and he was brought close to him, the added warmth oh so pleasant right now. Oliver's eyes slipped closed, though he didn't have the intent on falling asleep. It was merely to enjoy the feeling of Edmund a bit more.

"Stealing my place in bed, too. You're so mean," Oliver whined, sleepily. He playfully nipped at Edmund's ear. "Do you know when Johannsen is going to serve breakfast?" He asked, just to gauge how much time they could waste simply lazing around. It felt too good for it to not be enjoyed for a while, at least half an hour. If Edmund was awake before Oliver, he guessed that it wasn't that early in the morning.
 
The room Oliver had granted him, private quarters to call his own, Edmund found that sleeping there had left him anxious in expectance of the unwanted. He was used to human presence, as the servants' quarters had been cloying, suffocating with it. But here, in Oliver's embrace, Edmund finally found balance. Though he felt flagrantly overdressed. Any turning made his clothes twist and tug. He'd have obviated such if it wasn't his primary security against wanton compulsion.

Oliver's nip at his ear certainly didn't help.

It was teasing. A spark that dared to kindle a conflagration. Edmund would have been lying if he said he didn't want something more from Oliver. But it was dangerous to act on. There were reasons beyond count not to, and perhaps it was the most sentimental one that kept Edmund from crossing the line. If their relationship was to end today, he didn't want it to be with sex. It felt so sleazy. It would reduce everything genuine and intimate to one salacious act. No better than juvenile dating or prostitution. Edmund didn't know what they shared, but he wanted to believe it was composed of more than base desire.

Edmund relaxed into Oliver's touch, letting the morning chill slowly fade. "I didn't bother to ask." he admitted. "I was more focused on my headache." Partial truth wasn't lying, no? "But they were getting things ready. So, considering the time it takes for ovens to come up to heat and for common baked goods to cook, I'd say... we have a little over an hour."
 
Oliver's face found a comfortable spot in the crook of Edmund's neck, the temptation to fall back asleep becoming harder and harder to resist. Edmund was so damn comfortable, the bed was comfortable, his eyes were heavy... It took nearly everything in him to not fall back into the quiet of sleep. He then briefly recalled the nightmare he had, if you really could call it that, and within a few seconds time his eyelids were back open and they were going to stay that way. He didn't want to have to see the decaying faces of his parents once more.

One of Oliver's hands played with a button on Edmund's shirt. It seemed like every time they were together, Oliver was always fidgeting and pulling and playing with some part of Edmund's clothing. He wasn't sure if it was just unconcious or a peculiar habit he suddenly picked up, but it was there. He wondered if when he'd inevitably get a wife, he'd do the same thing to her clothing. He briefly thought of Lady Geneva, but the thought drifted away when he heard Edmund speaking.

"Perfect." Oliver mumbled into his shoulder. "More time to do jack shit nothing."
 
Edmund chuckled soundlessly, trembling with restrained laughter. Did Oliver really just say that? It was so ill-fitting of royalty, perfectly incongruous. It lacked the punch and grime of a commoner's cadence, but the message was received much the same. Edmund sighed when the feeling subsided. "You should hear yourself." he said. "Like a dive bar regular, but with better pronunciation. I hope it's because you're still tired and not something of mine rubbing off on you." Though part of him liked the idea of Oliver taking on some of his habits. Blending was a sign of familiarity and unity, no? Had Oliver effected Edmund in similar fashion? He couldn't deny that he was more genuine and open with Oliver. Everything felt so organic.

But Edmund thought it best not to dwell on. Turning subtly, he half-kissed Oliver's temple and spoke softly. "If jack-shit nothing is what you'd like to do, then I'm more than happy to share idleness with you. Should you return to sleep, I'll even wake you in time for an early arrival to breakfast. But-" And Edmund's hand trailed absently from Oliver's hip, down his thigh, and back up again. "If you'd prefer, I'm sure we can find something for you to do to pass the time."
 
Oliver laughed, now realizing his choice of words. Maybe it was Edmund rubbing off on him or the comfort they shared. Normally Oliver wouldn't ever be so vulgar, but then again, he never really had anyone to confide in before now. Things were different, and it could explain the sudden burst of vulgarity in his speech. He couldn't deny that he liked it. It felt so... liberating. Simply saying one word could do that, oddly enough.

"You don't like my vulgarity? You've such a potty mouth yourself," Oliver retorted, kissing the crook of Edmund's neck, sloppy and lazy. "Maybe you are rubbing off on me,"

Oliver raised an eyebrow, though unseen by Edmund at the suggestion of something else to take up the time. He was curious as to what that could possibly entail... but that would require moving and Oliver was so damn comfortable right now. He'd much rather soak in the affection and attention of him that do anything else until he absolutely had to. "It's tempting to indulge in your ideas of what else we could to pass the time, but..."

Oliver lifted his head and placed a kiss to his jaw. "I'd like to savour this for a bit longer and just talk."
 
"My mouth may be vulgar, but you didn't seem to mind kissing it." Edmund reminded, teasing. He was happy to stay as they were, content to share Oliver's company in intimate proximity. And in truth, Edmund didn't know if he could think of anything better for them to do. Nothing rivaled Oliver's affections. Nothing of greater priority or pleasure. It was inimitable. Paramount. And stirring.

Edmund dared to pull away, enough to put a fraction of space between their bodies, enough to cool the heat Oliver was unintentionally stoking with every small kiss. Edmund felt young in an impulsive way, and bought some time to reign that feeling in, back under control. In the soft-dark of the room, he looked at Oliver's sleep-disheveled appearance.

"You look like hell when you wake up." He observed flippantly, unable to keep from smiling. "It's attractive." All untucked and unbuttoned, rumbled and knotted. There was something pure and raw in the way Oliver looked to him. Or maybe it was that no one else got to see him like this. For whichever reason, Edmund found himself enjoying it and looking forward to the light revealing more creases and contours.
 
"Maybe that's how you're rubbing off on me. Transmitted through kisses," Oliver replied in jest right back, smiling and laughing softly. His fingers, still toying with the buttons eventually and accidentally unbuttoned one. In the now open space, he could slip fingers into the gap and drag his fingers against Edmund's skin, drawing nonsensical patterns and drawings upon it, and he did just that.

Oliver was surprised at the comment and rose an eyebrow. "Oh?" He replied at first, before giving a small smirk at him. "You like it when I look rough and worn, not immaculate and perfect?"
 
"I was thinking more natural and comfortable." Edmund admitted. Oliver's edges were softer this way, organic, unlike the crisp creases and darts of his clothes. Though composed of cloth, cuff links, buttons and brocade, those garments were something like an armor, eggshell that Edmund wanted to peel away to expose the vulnerability beneath.

"You may be right though." Edmund conceded, his smile faltering somewhat with curiosity. With his hand, Edmund gently guided Oliver's chin up and aside to expose what bruising Edmund had previously made. The contrast of skin and color was clear even in the low light. Oliver was marbled with bruises, blood caught just below the surface in that interstitial tissue, a wash of human color. Ghostly blues, deep purples, lust reds, soft green, and that sallow color like iodine. Each would show in time with healing.

"I did a number on you." he commented, a finger moving to brush a bruise in particular. His touch was fond and soft as dust or moth scales. "This one looks like it might even hurt."
 
Oliver had almost completely forgotten about the littering of bruises all over his neck and some down by his shoulder. He knew they were there when dressing, making him cautious to hide them, especially for the wedding. But in moments like this, when he was alone or with Edmund, they slipped from his mind. The feeling of a light carress over the marks was gentle and didn't cause any pain to him. Should be press down, however, that would be a different story.

"They don't hurt unless you touch them roughly," Oliver replied, studying Edmund's face. He was looking over the marks with a curious expression, eyes slightly narrowed and focused as they looked over each individual mark upon his flesh. "They'll go away. You didn't break my neck or anything," Oliver added after a moment. He was surprised at how dark some of the marks got and how many there were. But at this point, he was used to seeing them upon his skin.
 
"Then, when they do, I'll just have to make more." Edmund quipped, his tone returning to a lighter, more playful one as he looked away from the marks. "Perhaps I'll leave them someplace more easily hidden, more intimate." The levity was short lived however, as he was reminded that there may not be a next time. And if there was, would it ever be as pure as the first? Could he live with being second to anyone in Oliver's heart? To think of Oliver caring for and loving someone more than him... Edmund was so selfish. And incorrigible.

Edmund's hand returned to Oliver's hip, safe to idle there. He sighed. He didn't want their moment to be clouded by despondence, but he couldn't help asking, "Have you thought about us?" Such phrasing was vague. Edmund didn't know how ask him it in casual conversation, it all sounded so heavy. "The day's hardly begun, so I understand if the jury's still out." Flippancy didn't seem to help much either.
 
The promise of more of such marks made Oliver's mind wander, wondering where more intimate areas necessarily meant. It could be lower upon his chest, his lower stomach, or even his inner thighs. He'd be a liar if he said it didn't intice him. The playful promise was certainly something Oliver hoped Edmund would fulfill. However, with the way things will go between them, he couldn't be too sure.

It seems like Edmund was on the same page. He couldn't blame him for being curious, for needing to know before they say more promises and words that will have to mean nothing possibly in the future. Oliver's fingers went back to fiddling with his shirt buttons, unbuttoning and buttoning the topmost one, right against his neck and was keeping the collar closed and tight. His eyes drifted downwards. He knew the answer to the question. Oliver had his mind made up. But he didn't know if Edmund would be ok with it in the end, if this would just end up in more hurt and harm.

"I've thought about us plenty." He started off, eyes lifting to look at him. "I... already have an answer. For what we'll .. become, I guess." His words were slower in pace, not quite sure what words would tumble from his lips.

"I'm guessing you'd like to know, then."
 
The pain of knowing was better than living in hope and expectation. There was certainty in knowing, solid ground to carry the weight of moving on if need be. Things only stagnated as they were. Whatever the decision, it would likely ruin the moment. Edmund knew that, knew there was no perfect solution, no happy ending. But he still wanted to know. Needed to.

"That you've known and haven't already told me leads me to believe what you're going to say isn't something I want to hear." Edmund admitted, taking hold of Oliver's fidgeting hand. His throat felt tight enough without the pressure of his collar. Like bracing for a blow, he was tense in expectation of being hurt. It would hurt if they broke it off. It would hurt if they persisted in secrecy, knowing he'd have to share Oliver. And it would be suicidal inanity to put a commoner, without education or grooming, second to the crown. Edmund could dream, but the truth remained.

There was no right answer.

"I'd still like to know, though"
 
Oliver felt a bit bad not telling Edmund sooner, but he thought it best to wait for the right time to do so. He couldn't bare to do it when they were comfortable, close, sharing each other's warmth and basking in each other's love, attention and affection. He knew the news would undoubtedly hurt Edmund, regardless of what he said. He had to preserve his reputation, please his people and maintain the trust of those in his court to keep his approval in the kingdom so high. If he made the wrong choice, it could cost him much more than losing Edmund.

Oliver gently squeezed Edmund's hand, not sure where to begin. Should he be blunt, let it just happen, no sugar coating? Or should he let him down slowly? Knowing the agony Edmund always felt waiting for Oliver's response, he knew that sugarcoating would be overkill on Edmund's emotions.

"I promised you I'd tell you today. And I will," He began, his thumb stroking over the back of Edmund's hand. "I've decided that it would be best to keep it a secret. I will marry, but we must remain a secret. I'll do my best to give you all the affection you want and desire regardless," He looked up at Edmund finally, gauging his reaction.
 
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