How Green Becomes Wood

"I like jazz, I just don't really try for it a lot," Milo replied, watching Xander out of the corner of his eye. He seemed different, but he didn't know how, or how to talk about it. Or even if he should talk about it, really. He remembered being yelled at for asking too many questions, and he tried to accept that as Xander needing boundaries. But he seemed different. "In my mind jazz is more of a stand-up bass thing than it is an electric bass thing, and I know that's not, you know... true. But I get these mental images, you know? And when I get those mental images, I'm not good at remembering things don't have to be that way, because things that aren't that way feel wrong, the way saying two plus two equals five feels wrong."
 
"I get it," Peter agreed. "It's hard to move past preconceived ideas, qnd sometimes that's okay. If you ever do want to give jazz a try, though, hit me up. You have my number, right?"

Alec gasped dramatically. "Milo! Are you pulling a Yoko Ono and stealing our drummer away?"

"Lennon wasn't the drummer, and I thought we established it was the manager's fault," Peter chuckled.
 
"I'm also not dating Peter," Milo replied, scuffing his shoe against the floor, "I wouldn't mind trying more jazz, though. I think it's cool to experiment. Once, you know, I get used to, um, not having the stand-up bass. Even though it feels wrong. Feels wrong not to have at trumpet, either."
 
"Sadly, I don't know any trumpet players," Peter said with a grin, "but I wouldn't mind including one if i did! Hey, Xander, you wanna learn to play the trumpet?"

Xander didn't seem to hear as he continued to pluck absently.

Alec edged closer to Xander far more gingerly than he usually did and reached out to touch his arm. "Hey?" he questioned gently.

Xander jeered with a gasp, yanking his arm back.

Alec flinched back, but relaxed when Xander didn't react further. "Back with us?"

"Yeah. Sorry." Xander stood and set his guitar aside. "Just need some air. I'll be right back."

Peter glanced at Alec as Xander walked out. "How's he, uh, been?" he asked delicately. He didn't know the full details, but he'd heard enough from Alec that he knew Xander had been in a rocky place.

"Better, better, not as bad," Alec said, nodding quickly. "Anyway! Next song? Or go over the list for the gig?"
 
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Oh god. Xander had walked out. That's not good. It meant he was right, there was something happening. Bouncing awkwardly on his heels, Milo looked at Alec and Peter. Now he was alone with them. He didn't know what to say to them, really. He didn't know what to say to anyone. They were both nice people, he liked them, but he never really talked to Peter outside of group settings. Even Alec he didn't talk to that much. And there wasn't a dog at this function for him to focus on to cut the tension.

He scratched the back of his neck, wanting to go check on his friend, but he didn't know if that'd be weird. Would that be dramatic? Would they think he was being weird? Xander walked off, so he probably wanted space. But what if he didn't?

"Is there a vending machine?" Milo asked, stumbling slightly over his words, "I can get snacks."
 
"Sure! There's one just down the hall, or I'm pretty sure Xander packed some snacks," Alec said, looking around.

Peter, guessing Milo's true intent, quickly, "Awesome! If you are going, would you get me one of those weird cookie things? They are weirdly good." He dug into his pocket and offered Milo a ten. "I'll cover for Alec. He forgot his wallet."

"I did not!" Alec protested, reaching into his pocket. "Oh, wait, I did. It's in the van. Thanks, I'll pay you back later."
 
"Oh sure, no problem," Milo replied, quickly putting the money into his pocket, "I'll bring you back your change." Then, after setting his bass down with the utmost care, he scurried after his friend, hoping both the building wasn't so mazelike he wouldn't be able to find him and that he was doing the correct thing. He supposed if Xander yelled at him this time, he'd have to forgive him, since he had clearly walked off on his own, so really, if he was yelled at, he knew he should've just taken the hint. But he wanted to check on him. And if he saw him, he'd stay at a distance for a little while before approaching, to try to read the room. Yeah. That seemed like a good plan.
 
Xander had found himself a window that looked out over the parking lot. It wasn't the most beautiful of scenery, but it was better than looking at the dingy walls. He took a few deep breaths and rubbed his chest in slow circles. He'd gotten caught up in his own mind again. It wasn't anywhere near as bad as it had been before, but the memory still haunted him. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on something other than the sound of grinding metal.
 
After a few moments of watching his friend, Milo steeled his nerve and slunk over to him and just asked, "You good?" He nearly mentioned how he thought Xander seemed different, but he didn't want to say too much or ask too much or pry. But he definitely didn't look good.
 
Xander felt like he nearly jumped out of his skin and swore. "Stitch! I'm going to stick a bell on you, damn it!" He caught himself and turned away to drag a hand through his hair. "Sorry," he said gruffly. "Startled me, that's all."
 
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"Yeah, I have a habit of doing that," Milo replied, shrimping down, "Sorry. I just, I wanted to check on you. You okay?" He stuffed his hands into his pockets, looking down at the floor, "I know you said things have been kinda bad."
 
Xander leaned against the wall, staring out the window. "I guess. I mean, I dunno." He crossed his arms. He wasn't sure what to tell Milo. He could tell him about what was bothering him, but Milo had his own mother problems. He didn't want to add to Milo's problems or make it seem like he was trying to one-up him or something stupid like that.
 
"Do you... want to talk about it?" Milo asked, taking a few cautious steps closer, "I, uh, told Alec and Peter I was going to the vending machine. So. If the vending machine 'is broken' we have, you know. Time. If you want."
 
Xander tapped his arm lightly as he considered. "I dunno. It's just... you ever have something happen and it wasn't a good thing, so you just shove it down as hard as you can? And then one day the thing won't be ignored anymore? So it all comes out and then you just.... gotta deal with it after."
 
"I carry narcan because I've watched my mom od and I watched my dad die of cancer, so..." He trailed off, thinking it was pretty obvious what his answer was, "Have you, um, ever watched Futurama? There's a scene, you know, where one of the characters says she usually tries to keep her sadness pent up inside where it can fester quietly as a mental illness, so, um, I think that... it's not that... uncommon, I guess."
 
Xander glanced at Milo then away. "Yeah. It's not great," he finally agreed. He didn't want to talk to Milo about what had happened with his mum. Milo had enough trauma in his life. Xander didn't need to share his. After a bit, he said, "I just gotta work through some stuff, I guess. But..." He shifted and tapped his arm a bit. "Thanks for checking. I 'preciate it."
 
"I guess." Milo replied, looking down at his shoes, "but, at least you're trying to deal with it, now. 'Stead of still letting it fester. But, I mean, if you ever change your mind." He shrugged, digging his shoe into the ground, "You were there for me, so."
 
"Thanks." Xander didn't look, but he reached out and very lightly rested his hand on Milo's shoulder. "I mean it." He took his hand away and folded his arms again. "I don't really want to talk right now, but maybe later." He wasn't used to asking for anything, really, but after a second of hesitation, he asked, "Maybe we could just... stand here for a bit? Then get back to the others." He hoped it wasn't an awkward thing to ask.
 
"Yeah, sure," Milo said, raising his eyes to look out the window, "I don't mind. You don't gotta talk." Unlike some people who said similar things, Milo meant it, and sat easily in the quiet near his friend, looking out the window with his hands stuck in his pockets, not saying anything unless Xander did.
 
Xander took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He didn't say anything for several minutes, just letting the silence last. It was a different silence now, for him. It felt different. It was easier to rest in silence with Milo there. It was like a bit of oil had been added to the troubled waters.

Suddenly, he remembered something and reached into his pocket. "I almost forgot. These are for you." He handed over the small paper bag of postcards. "I got these for you."
 
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