How Green Becomes Wood

Daizi made a small noise, nearly a whimper but not quite, but Dark squeezed her hand, so she said, "He used to be angry. He told me once he lashes out because he gets scared. He'd get angry, and he'd fight. But he learned, and I was proud, I am proud, it's not helpful or healthy to process those feelings through anger. This is just what I notice, and I, I could be wrong. But." She swallowed again, a voice in her head telling her she was going to hurt her children so badly, but she forced herself to keep going, "I worry endlessly for Alec, too. Because when things go badly, he takes it hard. He stops eating. He was hospitalized, once. Dark and I didn't know what we were doing then, and still don't, but I think we're better at pretending like we do now. So anytime there's any problem, I worry he'll stop eating again, and I worry that he'll be hospitalized again, or worse. But most of the time, he still... talks. Maybe not at first, but he gets there. Since that moment last year, we get there. But with Xander, I--I can't predict what will happen. I can't guess. I can, but I can't. When he's struggling, and he lashes out, it hurts himself and others. But he's trying not to be angry, anymore, and I can tell that, I know that, and I am proud of that. But I worry he's replaced externalizing it with internalizing it, and repressing it, but when that happens, it always comes out, somehow. I've been there when Dark's repressed stuff, and it came out horribly. I know what's happened when I have. And when Alec does."

Again, she took a slow, carefully controlled breath, screaming on the inside, "When he has, it always eventually turns explosive. And I'm not scared of Xander, but I'm scared for him. But I'm scared for Alec, too. But it's a different fear, and I don't want it to seem like... I love him so much, and I think from the absolute depth of my soul he is a good, kind person. And I enjoy spending time with him, and I enjoy talking with him. But when he's shoving things down, and he's not working through them, I know that they come back out, and I push too hard trying to get him to deal with them, because when he doesn't, it bursts out, and I don't want him to get hurt. But when I push too hard, then, I make him feel badly, and I don't want to make him feel badly. I just, I've been through it, before."
 
Xander looked at the floor, one foot scuffing the rug lightly. His expression was tight and pensive as his fingers looked for something to fiddle with, but there wasn't anything. Nothing but his own feelings waiting for him to face them.

Alec had gone completely still. He watched Daizi for most of what she said, but toward the end, he dropped his gaze to the floor as well.

Dr. Dre let them sit in silence for a moment before quietly breaking the silence. "Alec, how do you feel about what she said? What are you thinking about?"

"Guilty," he said softly. "I don't mean to... to not eat and to scare people. I just get so anxious that I feel like I'm going to choke or throw up, like my stomach is literally tied up in knots. But I don't want her to worry about me. I don't want her to feel that kind of... of..."

"Negativity?" she suggested as Alec struggled. "Responsibility? Weight?"

"Weight, I think," Alec confirmed.

"Do you worry about her?"

"Yes, but that's different."

"How is it different?" Dr. Dre tilted her head just slightly. "Parents worry. That is part of our job as parents is to be concerned over our children, and sometimes we worry more than others. We do not like to worry our children any more than our children like to worry us, but do you think it is unhealthy to be concerned for those we love?"

"No," Alec said at last. "I just don't feel... worth it. Mama is worth it. Xander is worth it. Ba is worth it. I'm... not."

Dr. Dre smiled slightly. "In many ways, we choose and make our own self-worth, but I think in this matter that an argument can be made that we each decide who is worth worrying about. This is because worry is a personal thing that draws upon our own energies. We don't choose who can worry for us. You choose who you think is worth worrying over. Your mother chooses who she believes is worth worrying about. What do you think about this?"

Alec hesitated. "I have to... give it more consideration," he said at last.

"That is okay," she said, inclining her head. "Take all the time you need to think about it. Xander, you seem troubled. What do you think about what she said?"

Xander didn't say anything at first, but Dr. Dre was not in a hurry and waited patiently as he scrapped the carpet and picked at the chair arm. "If Alec's not worth it," he finally said, "then I'm somewhere in the mud below him. And I don't understand why it affects other people so much. I'm not... saying I don't... see it... 'cause maybe sometimes I don't, but I just... don't understand why I should be important enough to cause that kind of worry."
 
Dark stayed quiet, not knowing if he should say something, or what he would say if should. What he did know is how small Daizi seemed beside him, her heart was bleeding out of her from that level of honesty. It wasn't something he hadn't heard before, although not in so many words. There had been many nights over the years where she paced around their bedroom fretting, frustrating herself and failing to reach any sort of conclusion.

"Because I love you," Daizi replied, feeling like her shoulders weren't strong enough to hold the world up anymore, "and that's enough. You don't have to be a perfect person to matter, I'm not a perfect person. But I love you, you're my son, and you matter. You both matter. You matter so much."
 
Xander let out a sound that was half sigh, half groan. "I don't know how you could. I just don't understand how you can! Or even if you did love me, how could you stay close after what happened? I believe you love me, but how? How do you stay so close all the time? Why aren't you afraid?"

"Afraid of what?" Dr. Dre asked.

"That I'll hurt her again!" Xander blurted. He stopped, paling as he realized what he said. "It was an accident. I was upset. I didn't mean to, and it was only the once," he said hurriedly.

"One time for once?" she asked, her tone surprisingly neutral.

"I hit her. In the shoulder," Xander mumbled, his face stricken with shame as he stared at the floor.
 
Daizi tipped her head back, her face pinched as she had to remember that night. It was a difficult memory, and she'd be lying if she said she didn't still struggle with it. "I know it was an accident," She said, "And I forgave you. I do forgive you." She took a deep breath, surprised by how it shuddered, "I don't want you to be afraid of you."
 
"But I am!" Xander exploded, his voice harsh. "I am, and you should be too!"

"Xander, deep breaths," Dr. Dre said, her gentle tone a little firmer now. "Slowly. In. And out. Roll your shoulders for me."

Xander did as told, rolling his neck and his shoulders to force some tension to let go.

"Very good," she said. "Thank you for being honest. I know it hurts, but that is the only way we can truly heal the source of that pain. Xander, you said you think your mother should be afraid of you. Do you believe that of your father?"

"No. He can deal with me, at least physically," Xander said instantly and without hesitation.

"What about your brother?" she coaxed.

Xander hesitated, glancing toward him. "Maybe."

"You never would have said that before," Alec said, his voice meek and small. "And I'm not afraid of you. I never have been."

"What about your sister, Ivy-Qadira?" she asked.

A longer hesitation. "I don't want her to be."

"Do you want anyone to be afraid of you?"

"No. Yes. The people who try to hurt other people. I want them to be afraid of me."

"But not your friends or your family?"

"No. Not them."

"What about you? Are you afraid of yourself?"

Xander didn't want to answer that. He could feel Dr. Dre's patient eyes on him as she waited. He shuffled and picked at the couch for a long time before finally admitting, "Yes."

"Do you want to be afraid of yourself?"

"I don't know how not to be."

"A problem, yes, but not the answer to my question."

"No," Xander whispered.

"We can work with that," Dr. Dre said. "Punishing yourself and saying that you cannot be any better will not help you to be any better, but if you acknowledge that you do not want to be a certain way, to think a certain way, that is the first step." She glanced between Dark and Daizi. "I would like to circle back to this in a moment, but for now, I would like to return to our original topic, if that is alright?"
 
Aching deeply, Daizi struggled hearing how Xander felt about himself, and how he felt about her. When he yelled, she stayed still, but her heart flinched, after everything that happened, she was raw. As her husband pulled her into his side without a word, she wondered if Xander would think she should be afraid of him if she were different. If she were different, physically. If she'd seem stronger, then. But those weren't things she could change.

Dark, meanwhile, heard a lot of himself in Xander's words. But he always had, and that was its own pain. When Xander had raised his voice, Ivy had stirred slightly, and seemed at risk of waking, but he just kept rocking the carrier with his foot, trying to keep her asleep.

"Right," He said, the silent eye of this session, "Of course. How this started, correct?" Although, asking that question, after everything just said--it seemed impossible to get to the start of it. But he trusted Dr. Dre's expertise.
 
"Alright. I know it might be a little difficult, but I would like to hear more about the event that prompted this visit," she said. "I feel as though this fight you had was like a failure in a computer code,, and now we need to go backward through the code to see what caused it to happen and why. I have heard your parents' versions, and that opened up a lot. Now I would like to hear yours. Xander, what can you tell me about this fight you and your brother had and what led up to it?"

Xander shrugged awkwardly, feeling off balance. "Okay. I mean. There's not a lot to add. I guess it mostly started with the start of the school year and my friend, Milo." He told Dr. Dre about Milo, the basics of what was going on with him (going into more detail since it was a confidential session), and the friction that caused between himself and Alec.

Before Dr. Dre could ask more questions beyond a couple of clarifying ones, Alec jumped in. "That's not the whole story."

She glanced at him and seemed to consider before asking, "Do you believe you have the whole story?"

"At least more of it," Alec stated. "This didn't start just at the beginning of the school year. This began all the way back when Milo first started coming to school." He started telling the story from his point of view, detailing everything that had gone wrong between him and Xander since their first meeting with Milo. He talked about everything, how he felt ignored and unheard. How he struggled to make himself understood. How he questioned whether it was his own ability or lack thereof to communicate or if it was the other people not hearing him. How much it hurt that Xander had pulled away what felt like abruptly, like a stubborn bandaid ripped away too fast. Of how their band was slowly falling apart. Of how it seemed like he and Xander could never get along. Of how Xander seemed in constant denial of how his feelings affected other people. Of how seeing their parents struggle to meet both their needs filled him with anxiety that maybe this would damage their relationship with each other. Of how Milo's presence was a constant source of aggravation and fighting between the brothers until they'd reached the boiling point of fisticuffs.

Xander sat in silence, but his jaw clenched, and his fists curled. Anger built, but he forced it down until his brother finished.
 
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Dark and Daizi sat silently, not interjecting. Some of it they knew, but thought had been resolved. Much of it they didn't. Again, they felt a growing sense of unease and guilt this problem had gone on for so long but they hadn't seen it. It seemed Xander hadn't connected it all together, either, but that didn't comfort them. Dark's mind wrapped itself up in his months long depression earlier that year, and he wondered if he would've seen, had he just been healthy. Instead, it felt like he had let them down.

Feeling these thoughts radiate off of him, Daizi squeezed his hand tightly, but continued to listen to what her children were expressing.
 
"And that's the whole story," Alec said matter of factly.

"She asked for why we were here, not for your whole life's story," Xander grumbled quietly.

Alec scowled at him. "That whole story is why we're here. It's a necessary backstory! How is supposed to help us if she doesn't know the full story?"

"That's not the full story, that's a bunch of junk!" Xander protested. "That's not why we're here, that was your excuse for running someone else under the train!"

"I am not! He is why we're here, so he is what we should talk about," Alec argued.

"He is an innocent bystander. We're here because you can't leave well enough alone!" Xander snapped.

"And you have a habit of practicing delusions and failed anger management!" Alec shot back.

"They wouldn't fail if you wouldn't stop pushing!"

Dr. Dre raised her voice just loud enough to catch their attention. "One, two, three, eyes on me."

Remarkably, the elementary attention call worked, and the pair subsided, turning toward her slightly.
 
Dark watched the twins argue uneasily, wanting to call them back to attention himself, but refraining from doing so because he knew it was important for Dr. Dre to know what was happening between them. When she did call them back, he looked at her also, although Daizi kept her face pointed down, it wasn't like she could look at the doctor anyway.
 
"Let's take just a moment to let off some of this energy," Dr. Dre said. She stood and indicated for Alec and Xander to do the same. "You may stay seated if you'd prefer," she told Dark and Daizi. To the twins, she had them roll their heads, then their shoulders, then shake their arms, their middles, and finally their legs. "Alright, now that we've reset, let's try to focus on one thing at a time," she said, sitting back down. "You have a lot of mostly smaller issues that have tangled together into one much larger issue. Let's start with the most consistent factor throughout your stories."

The twins grudgingly sat back down, but they were both a little calmer and a little more focused.

"Let's talk about your friend, Milo," she said. "If I understand correctly, Xander, you approached Milo first, and though things were a bit rocky, you were able to befriend him. Over time, Alec also befriended Milo."

"More like shoved his way in," Xander grumbled.

"More like attempted to befriend," Alec said. "I think we're friends, but I'm not sure."

"Xander, do you have other friends outside of Milo?" she asked.

Xander shrugged. "A couple. Peter. Sloan's a good friend."

"And Alec? What about you?" she asked.

"Sloan, Peter, Becky, Tom," Alec listed off. "I have a few others."

"Am I correct in saying that Milo was the first friend that you did not share with Alec, Xander?" At his nod, she asked, "How does it make you feel when Alec tries to be Milo's friend, as well?"

"I dunno. I'm not in charge of who can be friends with who," Xander shrugged, looking away.

"When Alec joins you and Milo doing something, do you feel negative or positive?"

"Negative," Xander admitted reluctantly. "Very negative."

"Can you put a name to these feelings?"

"I guess... protective. Jealous."

"Are you jealous because Milo is the one friend you did not share, or are you jealous because Milo pays attention to Alec? Or is there another reason?"

Xander shifted as he tried to put words to it. "I guess jealous at first because Milo was my first friend that was just my friend. Alec even pushed me to be friends with him even though I messed up a few times. I don't mind sharing friends, but it just... rubbed me wrong that Alec then thought he got to be friends too. I don't know."

"And why do you feel protective?"

"Milo's a sensitive guy with a life full of sh- I mean, trouble. He's a pretty gloomy, and I get why. He doesn't want and doesn't need mister sunshine and rainbows over there forcing his 'look on the sunny side' philosophy on him."

"I do not!" Alec started to protest, but he quieted as Dr. Dre held up her hand.

"So you are afraid that Alec's attempts to help Milo be happier would harm Milo?" she asked.

"Yeah, that sums it up," Xander nodded.

"And you, Alec, you are not trying to force anything on him?"

"I didn't think I was, I thought I was just being natural in saying how things might not be awful, but I don't know," Alec huffed. "I have never, ever said I wanted Milo to be happy like me. Just less doom-oriented."

"Is it possible that perhaps he is so used to living in a certain frame of thought that he finds your hopeful, even optimistic view point unrelatable?" she asked.

Alec glanced toward Dark. "It's been brought up."
 
"We have talked about it, a few times," Dark mentioned cautiously, not wanting to interrupt the therapist's flow of questions, but thinking it was important to let her in on their side, "but more recently, I at least do not remember having conversations about it last school year."
 
"It wasn't nearly as much of a problem last year because he was mostly my friend, and we all thought he was leaving," Xander stated.

"But he didn't leave?" Dr. Dre asked.

"No, and then Alec thought he should have dibs, too," Xander stated.

"We're together a lot, so I didn't think it was that big of a deal to offer friendship!" Alec protested. "You don't get to put dibs on a friendship!"

"Just because we are together all the time doesn't mean what's mine is yours!" Xander growled out.

Dr. Dre let them glare at each other for a bit before continuing. "I think I have a suggestion for how to begin healing this problem. Alec, it is true that you cannot 'put dibs' on a friendship, some friendships are simply not meant to be. That is okay, but it is also okay to try. It is as much Milo's choice if he wants to be friends as it is yours. Xander, has Milo ever expressed that he does not want to be friends? With either your or Alec?"

"Not really?" Xander said, thinking back. "Alec's optimism makes him uncomfortable, but I can't... no, I think he's fine with it?"

"Then I think what would be best is if you both take a step back in your friendship with Milo." She held up a hand as they started to protest. "I do not mean to cease your friendship entirely. That would be damaging to all of you, including Milo. All relationships move at different speeds, including friendships, and Alec, I think that even though you have known Milo for a while now, you are rushing the friendship. I also think you have both stopped seeing Milo as a friend and more as a problem to be fixed or a puzzle to be solved, or perhaps something to be preserved exactly as is without allowing them growth."

"That's not fair!" Alec protested. "I don't see him..." He hesitated, thinking about it. "Well... maybe... I didn't originally, I really didn't, but maybe it did get to that point."

Xander didn't respond, but he did fidget guiltily. Maybe in a much less dramatic way, he did see Milo as a puzzle, and maybe he did tend to guard him too much. Alec only meant to help, and maybe they did disagree on Alec's methods, but he hadn't meant to harm Milo. Maybe Xander was pushing too hard to keep the status quo.

Dr. Dre let them both think about that for a moment. "Viewing a friend that way is not fair to the friend. I think you need to take a step back and let yourselves both see Milo as a person first and a friend second. If he chooses to share problems with you, you should listen first and try to solve them second. Does that make sense to you?"

Both nodded quietly, both now feeling a bit guilty.
 
Now that the focus on the conversation was squarely about the twins and their relationship to Milo, Daizi was able to relax a bit and just listen. She and Dark weren't holding onto each other anymore, because they didn't need that kind of support to get through the tension. They were just glad there was an external, neutral party able to help the twins sort this out. Much of what she was saying was what both Dark and Daizi were trying to get at, but failing to find the words for.

Dark knew what it was like to be treated like a project to be solved. As he listened to Dr. Dre talk with Alec and Xander, he wondered if he should have been more open about what it was like to be a very ill teenager, but he didn't know... if he could talk about those things to them, if he tried to. He remembered when Xander accused him of "slicing" himself up like "roast beef", and he didn't know if the twins could handle hearing the full truth, or if it would be helpful to him. He didn't know if he could say the words, or if he... wanted to. It was a lot to open up about, and he didn't know if revealing it would've provided perspective on Milo's situation, or if it just would've scared them more.
 
"I hope that your friendship improves with Milo, but it is okay if things do not work out the way you might want them to," she said gently. "We can still walk away with a lot of good things learned and people loved."

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened?" Alec asked.

She smiled. "Very good, yes. Winnie the Pooh?" At Alec's nod, she said, "He has a lot of wisdom for us all. Now, I've noticed another problem, and I was wondering if your parents would be willing to weigh in on this." She looked at Dark and Daizi. "Just in our conversations, I have noticed a trend with the idea of sharing. Have you noticed anything with that?"
 
"At home?" Dark asked and took time to really consider it. "I suppose sometimes there can be a problem with space. Alec likes clothes with sequins and glitter, for example, and there can be problems with it transferring onto Xander's, so I built him a wardrobe so they can keep their clothing separate and they do not need to share closet space."

Somehow, he doubted that was what she was getting at, but he was struggling to think up other examples, except for his lingering concerns about how integrated they were with Ivy.
 
"Then perhaps I am on the wrong trail, but one of the things I noticed with Xander was the fact that he brought up sharing a friend. He spoke of Alec, if I may paraphrase, butting into the friendship," she explained.

"Well, he did," Xander grumbled.

"Maybe I did," Alec admitted unhappily.

"How do you feel about sharing other things? I gather you share a room," she said.

"Yes, we share a room, and I like that," Alec said.

"Yeah, but we've always shared everything," Xander complained. "I don't mind sharing things with him. I don't mind sharing clothes and food and books and all the stuff, but sometimes it's nice to have things that are mine. And I'd share the things that are mine, but he never gives me a chance to share. Sharing indicates asked permission. Borrowing! He never asks, he just takes!"

"I didn't think it was a problem!" Alec protested, suddenly feeling in the hot spot. "We've always done it before. We shared clothes, toys, everything."

Xander pointed out, "That was when we didn't have a choice. We had like three toys. Of course we'd share! But now you take things like my puzzles, my belts, things for my business, stuff that's important!"
 
Remembering a bit of conversation from yesterday, Dark added, "We had a conversation, Xander and I, just yesterday. For a number of months I worked on building a puzzle box, and then gave it to Xander. Alec had taken it to try and get it open, but I guess lost it for a period of time, until it was eventually found in a box of cereal."
 
"Yeah, it was important!" Xander huffed.

"I was going to give it back, and the cereal was an accident," Alec said meekly.

"That's not the point!"

"But you can use anything of mine whenever you want! I don't mind."

"It seems as though you two are experiencing a boundaries shift, and you were not ready for it, as we rarely are," Dr. Dre said. "This is a hard thing, but it is a good thing. It shows that you two are both growing. You are in a healthy environment, and you have the confidence and the trust to expand and to draw boundaries where you couldn't before. Alec, you may be willing to let Xander take anything of yours whenever he so chooses, that is not something he is comfortable letting you do. You have shown a lack of care for things that are important to him in the past. You may have very good intentions and no ill will, but that does not change the fact that you are not respecting his wishes. Is that something you would want him to do?"

Alec lowered his head. "No, it's not. I'm sorry. I just... I guess in that way, I just want things to stay the same. I feel like Xander is pulling farther and farther away and leaving me behind, and it scares me. I like to see him being so incredible and so accomplished, but... I'm lonely. I have all the friends, but I'm lonely without him. I guess I was ignoring those boundaries because... it was what we'd always done. It made me feel like some things would never change. We used to go everywhere together, share all the secrets, do all the things together. But I guess it can't last forever."

Xander sighed and ran a hand though his hair. "I'm not leaving you behind. I'm not abandoning you. I just need my space. Some space. Any space! I need my things to be safe. Especially my work stuff. It feels like you're sabotaging me."

"I'm sorry I messed with your work stuff especially. I didn't realize that it was that important. Or the puzzle box," Alec said quietly. "I never meant to hurt your work."

"Do you ever spend time together that is not forced time?" Dr. Dre asked. "Outside of school and time at home, do you two ever go do things together just the two of you?"

The twins hesitated and glanced between each other, trying to remember the last time they had done just that.
 
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