How Green Becomes Wood

"You did give me a nice day. You gave me a wonderful day, and anyway I'm pretty sure it was after midnight when I realized you weren't so... It stayed wonderful," This was a lie, but a kind one, and she doubted he'd notice, "and I understand it must have been confusing. And I also understand how, even though I said you could talk to us, it's not that easy. Grief is complicated, and I am glad you went somewhere to actually engage in your grief instead of hiding from it. That's important, and I'm proud you took those steps."
 
Alec gave her a watery smile even if she couldn't see it and rubbed his damp cheeks dry. "I wish it was easier to talk," he admitted. "I really do. It's just... I don't know how. I've never met an adult actually willing to listen before. There's plenty that say they are, but then when you try..." He shrugged. "They aren't. Not really. I've only ever talked to Xander. I don't know how to talk to anyone else about things that matter."

He paused for a moment and took a few deep breaths. Drawing his knees up, he hugged them tight. "How do you do it?" he asked softly. "How do you forgive like you do? Have patience for us?"
 
"I know it's not easy... but if you never try, you never get better at it. That's part of why Dark and I keep offering to find you a therapist, because we'd find someone trained to work with people your age who have had experiences like you've had, and they could help you. We both go to therapy, Dark has gone since he was your age, I didn't start until later. And... that doesn't mean I want to pawn you off on someone, because I hope you one day are more comfortable coming to me, but I can't do everything, and I want to make sure both you and Xander are getting all of the help you need," She rubbed his back and drew him in close, "But you know, if you ever do want to try to talk to me, even if you realize you aren't ready, that's okay. If you just want to sit in silence, I'll sit with you. And like I said, if it's easier to text me instead of speaking directly--I am able to text, I have so much adaptive technology, so I can text you, if it's easier."

When he asked how she had patience for them, she was quiet for a long time, and would open her mouth just to close it again as she tried to think up a good answer, "...To be honest..." She said at last, "I think it's because Dark was so troubled when we met. Not at all like he is now. He was really gloomy, and sometimes angry, always hurt. But I've got my third eye, remember? And with it, I saw who he was underneath, and it wasn't my job to fix him, so I didn't, but I was willing to stick around until he started getting better. He never really lashed out at me or Cooger, but he'd get into fights like Xander does, and he'd be just... terrible to himself, because he internalized a lot. It got really bad for awhile, and I was only a little bit older than you are, but I remember lying awake at night terrified it'd never get better, but I could see he was trying to make a change, I could see that he wanted to change. And he did. You know that he did, you get to know him as he is now. And I see you and Xander trying to be better, so I can be patient with you both, too. And also--I've had to learn to forgive myself constantly, from birth I've had to learn to forgive myself."
 
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Alec put a hand on her arm, resting it there without much thought, just connecting with her physically as he might do with Xander. He didn't even realize he'd done it. He sat thinking about what she said for a moment in silence. "I think I'd... I'm willing to try the therapy thing," he said at last. "I want to be stronger and better. Maybe not like physically stronger, but personally stronger. I want to be a better person so I won't hurt you anymore," he said quietly. "And... maybe learn to better trust."
 
"Okay," She smiled, "I'll find someone. I really do think it will help you... but you really don't have to worry about hurting me. You haven't. You frightened me, but it was temporary, I'm okay now. It was one mistake, but you are more than that."
 
Alec leaned into Daizi and closed his eyes, a weight slowly lifting from his shoulders. "Thank you," he whispered. "That means a lot to me. You've been so good to us, and I feel like we've only repaid you with trouble. I'm sorry. I want you to know, we appreciate you. So very, very much."
 
"Some things are worth the trouble," She promised, rubbing his back. Hopefully Xander could be calmed so easily, despite their mistake, neither twin deserved to feel horrible about what had happened. They really were forgiven, but it wasn't always easy to accept that.
 
Alec gave Daizi a small smile. Her touch felt warm, calming, and comforting. "Thank you, Daizi," he said softly, the twists in his gut slowly relaxing. "Are you going to stay home today?"
 
"Thank you. I hate being alone," Alec admitted. "I just... don't feel very well, but I think I'm feeling better now." He paused and then asked, "I got a new puzzle. Would you like to help me build it?"
 
"I don't know how useful I'll be at assembling a puzzle," Daizi laughed lightly, squeezing him one last time, "but I'll do my best."

~~

One of the other teachers, who typically had lunch room duty while Xander and Alec were in the cafeteria, had called out sick that day, and so Dark had been asked to fill in. It seemed he was always being asked to fill in, and he truly believed he needed to ask for a raise, considering how much work he ended up doing that was not in his contract, but he was hoping to use that bargaining power to negotiate for a nice paternity leave, so he resisted. To his annoyance, he stood in front of the cafeteria, just keeping a watchful eye over the room.
 
"It's a 3D puzzle," Alec told her. He got up and went to the dresser, pulling open the bottom drawer. "Actually, the pieces are clear, almost see-through, so half of the time, I'm feeling them more than looking at them." He pulled out the box and held it up even though she couldn't see it. "It doesn't even have forty pieces."

~~

Xander headed into the cafeteria, hands shoved deep in his pockets. He didn't notice Dark at first as he mostly kept his head down. Instead of heading to the lunch line, he went straight to his usual table and slid onto the bench. He hoped Peter and Sloan wouldn't be by today. He wasn't really up to talking. He knew Peter would likely be along eventually, but hopefully, Sloan's totally-not girlfriend would be here and distracting her today. He sighed and slumped over the table, ignoring the grumbling in his stomach.
 
"Alright, I'll see what I'm capable of." She said, both fully prepared to do her very best and fully prepared for him to have to do the majority of the work, but since he said it was more tactile than visual, she trusted him.

~~

Fortunately for Xander, Sloan's totally-not-girlfriend was there that day, but unfortunately for him, while they walked to their usual seat, she spied him sitting alone, so she walked over, "Are you okay?" She asked, adjusting her bag on her shoulder, "I don't think I've ever seen you... alone."
 
Alec got out the pieces and spread them out as he explained what the purpose of the puzzle was. It was nice to spend some time, just he and Daizi, without any drama or need to talk. Just to be.

~~

Xander looked up and scowled at her. "Jim dandy fine," he drawled. "Just enjoying the stimulating scenery. It's not every day I get to witness America's finest in their natural habitat."
 
"Okay, damn. Sorry for worrying about you." Sloan really tried to connect with him, and when he was in a good mood, she really did think he was pretty cool, but so often he wasn't, and she tried to be sympathetic because she knew he had been through a lot, but she just couldn't be endlessly forgiving. It was exhausting trying to figure out what to say that wouldn't cause him to snap at her, "Whatever. I'll leave you be."
 
"Good," Xander grumbled. A tiny part of him did feel a bit bad for snapping, but he really wasn't in the mood to play nice. He didn't know or care what the polite way to say that was.

Peter came bouncing over with his tray, grinning brightly. "Hello, all! How's things?" He paused and glanced around with a frown. "We are one short." He glanced at Sloan as if she'd have the answers.
 
"Don't bother, he's in a mood," She said, crossing her arms. What really got to her was that sometimes she had problems too, but she couldn't help but feel like they were stupid when she was around the twins, but she didn't punish everyone else on her bad days. But, she wanted to be nice, so she let it go, because she knew he acted like this sometimes, "You know," she said, and in retrospect she should've known it wasn't a smart thing to say, but she did mean it, and it was advice she herself tried to follow, "Your mental health isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility. I'm sorry, and if you want to be alone, I'll leave you alone, but you could just say that. You don't always have to be short with the people who just want to help."
 
Xander growled and turned to face her. "Well, geeee wiz," he said, drawing out the words. "I didn't realize my mental health was your responsibility, either, little nazi! You're the one coming over here and getting in my face. It wouldn't have been a problem if you'd stuck to your side of the playground. You're just as nosey as you're mother, aren't you?"

"Whoa, now." Peter slid his tray onto the table to get it out of his hands and quickly stepped between the pair, holding up his hands. "Let's take a second, here to consider jellyfish."

Xander had opened his mouth to turn his rage on Peter, but the last word drew him up short. He was already primed to speak, but what came out was, "Jellyfish?"

Peter nodded sagely. "Yes, jellyfish. The quiet, serene creatures who burn the hell out of you if you cross their paths. That's a lot like you, Xander, but I have a feeling you don't like stinging people. Do you?"

"Only when they deserve it," Xander growled, settling back a little.

"Who deserves it? Your enemies, I presume?" Peter asked.

"Damn right," Xander muttered.

"Is Sloan your enemy?"

Xander hesitated and glanced at Sloan. "No," he muttered, looking away.

"And do you think Sloan deserves it?" Peter prompted.

A little pause. "No." Xander looked around Peter to Sloan and down at his hands on the table. "Sorry," he mumbled. "No. You don't deserve it, and you aren't my enemy."

Peter smiled. "There, now, that's one less stinger to the jellyfish. You probably have quite a few more, but let's just work on one at a time."
 
Sloan recoiled. She didn't even really hear him compare her to her mother, it was that first comment, that initial attack that caught her, "I'm Jewish, you prick." If Peter hadn't pushed into the conversation, she probably would have walked away then, but since he seemed to be getting Xander to listen, she decided to stick around, albeit hesitantly.

When Xander apologized, she adjusted her bag again and said, "Thank you for apologizing... I should probably go, I only came over to ask how you were doing..." Glancing up, she saw Dark standing at the front of the cafeteria. He was having a conversation with one of the other teachers, and therefore wasn't noticing them, which was probably for the best.
 
Xander jerked a hand through his hair, accidentally pulling out a few strands as he did so. He didn't even twice as he brushed off the pain. "It's been a rough couple of days," he mumbled. "Sorry." He felt he should say more, thank her for coming over or something, but he couldn't quite bring himself to get that far.

Peter smiled at Sloan and patted her shoulder, giving her a wink of encouragement. "Mind if I join you?" he asked Xander.

"Sure, free country," Xander huffed.

Peter grinned and slid into the seat. "Really? I thought this was a capitalist country."

Xander looked at him. "Don't you ever get tired of being so cheerful?"

"Of course! But it looks like a heck of a lot less work than being dour all the time," Peter replied cheerfully. "Aren't you exhausted?"

Xander didn't say anything, just looked back down at the table. Yes, yes it was, but he'd rather pull out all of his hair than admit it. He glanced toward where Alec usually sat and folded his hands together, the nail of one thumb pushing restlessly at the cuticle of the other.
 
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