How Green Becomes Wood

Alec sighed, shifting Ivy to his other arm. "I was stupid and thoughtless and said something about adoption, and I didn't think about how it would impact her. I apologized, of course, but I can't take back the words."
 
"...I see." Dark said slowly, wanting to ask what he said, but at the same time he knew he would hear it from Daizi, and... depending on what Alec said, he knew he'd prefer to hear it from her. "Well, I am sure whatever you said, she will not hold it against you. She has never been someone to hold a grudge, especially not against someone she knows would never try to hurt her."
 
"It will be alright," Dark agreed, and gave a little nod in response to his smile before looking at Ivy, "I always would like her. I have hardly gotten to talk with her at all today, is that not terrible, my darling? Oh, sweet girl." He took Ivy from Alec and kissed her forehead while smoothing the back of her hair with his thumb. It was a very particular gesture he did, smoothing her hair like that, reserved for her, "Did Daizi say she wished to be left alone? If she is so upset, I should bring her water, especially since she is still breastfeeding."
 
Dark looked down at Ivy, who was happily sucking on her first, quite recovered from her earlier stress, and sighed heavily. He did want to spend time with her, his little daughter, who he had so little time with... but his wife was upstairs, distressed and alone. "I think," he said slowly, hugging Ivy close and twisting at the waist to rock her, "I think I need to check on Daizi."
 
Alec nodded. "I'll look after her while you're gone. There's still some light out. Maybe we'll go look at the flowers while you're busy." He held out his hands for Ivy to take her back.
 
Dark took an extra moment to give Ivy one more kiss and told her, in Arabic, "Baba is going to soothe Mama like he soothes Baby Ivy. He is. But when Mama is happy, Baba is going to get you," he gently poked her tummy, making her smile, "and Baba is going to snuggle you, and Baba and Ivy are going to have a great night. Yes we are!" He made her laugh, kissed her again, and then handed her to Alec.

Then, before stepping into the kitchen to bring a glass of water for Daizi, he looked at Alec and with a little sigh said, "Be kind to yourself, Albuma. I know you did not mean to upset her."
 
"You sound almost like you're threatening her," Alec teased Dark lightly as he took Ivy. He went to get his shoes but paused at Dark's words. "I'll try not to." He headed out front where he heard Xander clanking around his car. It looked like he was trying to clean it out as best he could with a little brush and getting a closer look at all the dirt. Pleasent. But distracting! He pointed it out to Ivy, staying back to watch, so Xander didn't even notice him at first.
 
After pouring the glass of water, Dark went upstairs and lightly knocked on the door to the office, and when Daizi didn't answer, he carefully let himself inside. Even though he knew already she was upset, the sight of her sitting on the couch froze him to the spot, breaking his heart before she had a chance to say anything. "Spider..." he murmured, forgetting about anything else and dropping down onto the couch beside her, and after setting the glass of water on the low coffee table, immediately he placed one hand on her back, near the nape of her neck, and the other on her thigh. "What happened?"

“They don’t want us to adopt them.” She replied in a small, hoarse voice, and the tightness in her voice was the only thing that kept the tears from spilling over again. “They said it wouldn’t feel right. For us to adopt them.”

It wouldn’t feel right to be adopted by them. Hearing it second-hand hit almost as hard as hearing it directly, and as Dark pulled her close to his chest, he felt a pit of guilt in his stomach stemming from how… relieved he was, to have heard it from her, and not from their sons. Although... he had, in a way, heard it from Alec. The dread of that being what he meant when he admitted to saying something that upset her about adoption overpowered his ability to accept it, then, but it couldn't, now. "That is what they said?" He asked, her hair tickling his face.

"Yes."

"Rohi..." He called her his soul, and held firmly to her. Still she wanted to break down in tears again, but still she resisted, although she allowed herself to be rocked in his warm, strong embrace.

"I love them so much," She whimpered into his chest, "I had hoped that--"

"I know. Me too. Ya Allah, me too."

"He said," Daizi began, her voice breaking, "He said that he feels like it would reject his family. Turn his back on them. And I knew that, I already knew that. Why else?" She pulled away from him, pressing her hands to her chest, "I can't fault him for feeling that way. I'm their second mother, and I am always going to be their second mother. And they are always going to wish, somewhere, regardless of how much they love me, that they didn't need a second mother. And the truth is: I wish that for them, too, I love them so much, I'd be so happy to have not been their mother, if it meant they didn't go through the trauma of losing her. I wish we lived in another universe, where Tara lived, and we met them, and been--their aunt and uncle, and loved them, but they didn't have to go through so much pain, and then we wouldn't be hurting now, but I can't give that to them, nobody can. So I want to adopt them, and be their mom, but as much as I know they love me, I can never-- be what they need, or want, or wish for."

Watching the pain on her face, Dark reached out and gently took her hands, feeling his own throat tighten, "I understand--"

"But do you?" She asked, first squeezing his hands and then letting go and standing up, feeling like she needed to move, "because you've always been their first dad. They have never had to compare you to anyone, they've never had to reconcile their love for you, you've just... been there. They knew you before they met their biological---him. You've just been able to be there, and they don't have to question how they feel. They've never had that freedom with me."

"...Are you upset with me, for that?" Dark asked, sitting up straight and watching her carefully.

"No! ...A little?" She shook her head and made herself sit back down, but she could only stay there temporarily before getting up again, "I'm not upset with you, Dark, my husband. Never with you, Ya Amar. But with the situation? I hate that they have to reconcile their relationship with me. And I hate that I wonder if they had been raised by a single father and not a single mother, if our relationship would be different, or if we were both men. And I hate wondering if, maybe, they'd let you adopt them if I wasn't here, not because they love me less, but because if it was just you, then they'd have their mother, and they'd have their father, and there's no disrespecting anyone. But I'm here, so I complicated things, and it feels like, again, you are missing your chance to be a father because of me."

Now Dark stood, and crossed the room in a few quick strides to lay his hands on her shoulder, "Daizi," he murmured, "Listen to me. You did nothing wrong. You have not done anything wrong: it is not your fault, and I am a father because of you." He released her shoulders and wrapped her up tightly again, and she sank into him, small and frail in his arms, "They need you, and they love you. Adoption papers or not, they call you Mama, and me Baba, and they wouldn't do that if they did not mean it. We both know they are our sons regardless, Spider, I will not let you destroy yourself with guilt over something not only you did not cause, you did not do. And even if it were not the case, if they did not feel for us as we feel for them, you gave me Ivy. You already made me a father, darling, and you can rest. Please."

"You don't understand that either," Daizi said, finally breaking back down into tears, "It's not your fault, and I promise I'm not mad at you, but my relationship with them was hurt by being pregnant with her, too, and you didn't have that fall out either. And maybe, if I hadn't been torn between trying to be a mother to them and growing her..." She broke away again, but allowed Dark to lead her back to the couch, catching her breath after the biggest part of her outburst, "I know they love me, and I know I'm their mother, even if I am their second mother, and I know this isn't even--related, to the adoption, but I still... How different would my relationship been with them if I hadn't gotten pregnant? If I had Ivy before we brought them in, or a year or so after? Instead of right away? Because... My first trimester is a haze, and I spent those months trying not to die, and I couldn't be there for then, when I should have been, because they were new with us, and then I gave birth, and I was torn open, and I was bleeding, and I was in so much pain, and Ivy was in the hospital, and people were trying to take her away, so I couldn't be present then, either, and in between, Xander found me revolting, and even now I can't be around them and feed Ivy, so I'm still ripped in two." She took a deep, trembling breath and collapsed against him, "and I've just been holding it like a shard of glass, and it doesn't matter how many times they tell me I'm enough, it doesn't feel like it, because how much of our time together have I been able to be really there for? They've had a year getting to know you, but in that time I wasn't fully myself. And you're complicit in that, in her, but you still got to be you. And I'm not mad at you, and I don't blame you, but I'm so tired, and I can't stop hearing them say it wouldn't feel right to be adopted by us."

"By us," Dark murmured, rubbing her back, "It is not just you, darling."
 
Meanwhile, outside and completely ignorant of the tumultuous emotions roiling inside, Xander and Alec were spraying off Xander's new car. Well, Xander was spraying it off. Alec was showing Ivy the wet sides of the car and letting her touch and pay with the water while trying to keep her as dry as possible. When the food came, they then had to figure out how to get it in the door since Xander had not stayed dry, and Alec was holding Ivy. After a bit of talk, the delivery guy hung out long enough for Xander to put away the hose so he could take the bags. Alec opened the door, and Xander carried the box full of smaller boxes full of so much food! They started laying out the food, and Alec called up the stairs that dinner had arrived.
 
When they heard dinner was there, Daizi was once again lying with her face buried against her husband's chest, and sobbing. Too much had come up too quickly, and she didn't know how to cope with it, and all Dark could do was cry with her, and say what he could to support her. His heart, too, ached at the knowledge the twins didn't want them, legally and permanently, listed as their parents, and although he knew Daizi harboured many of the fears and insecurities she had just laid out for him, he didn't know about all of it, and he knew there weren't easy fixes. They couldn't go back and relive their first year so the twins got to know her exclusively as she normally was, and there was no undoing whatever damage, if it was damage, her being pregnant for most of that time had done. It was part of their story, now. But that didn't mean his heart hurt any less for her, and everytime her body shuddered with her sobs, all he could really do is hold her more tightly and feel as his heart was shredded, because she was hurting.

There was so much left to talk about, but just then, neither of them could have a frank discussion. Not then, not when it was raw. All they could do was cling to each other, like if Dante's lovers ever managed to touch.

But it was dinner time.

"Are you ready to go downstairs?" Dark asked gently, drying his own face.

"No," Daizi replied meekly, "but I know I have to."

"You do not. I can say you are napping."

His willingness to find a solution for her made her crack the faintest of smiles, "I'd love that, but I can't. You need to eat, and I don't want to be alone. And I don't want you to be alone."

"Uhibbuki," Dark whispered, kissing her forehead, then her cheek, then her shoulder.
Then he picked up the long forgotten glass of water, "Here, drink this. I will go get us both a new shirt. And we can go down together, okay?"

It was the best plan they had, so after changing shirts and taking a few moments to take deep breaths and settle, they went downstairs together.

"Oh wow, that smells wonderful," Daizi said, hoping she sounded mostly normal, "I'm starving."

"Hello, sweet Ivy," Dark said, scooping his daughter away from Alec, "I told you I would get you."
 
Alec and Xander glanced at Dark and Daizi, sensing the remnants of tension and seeing the tiny traces of tears. They glanced at each other and chose to be silent. They could talk about this later or pretend it had never happened. Either way, now was not the time. Alec smiled as Dark took Ivy and assured Dark that Ivy had had a good time.

Xander passed out the cartons, putting the shared ones in the middle and checking Daizi's to see which was which for her. In all, it seemed like a normal evening if one ignored the slightly strained feeling in the air.
 
"Are you excited to drive your car to school tomorrow?" Daizi asked, trying to distract herself with happier things while they ate. The sounds of Ivy's babbling helped with that, she was an undeniably happy little girl, and both her parents hoped every day that nothing would happen to change that.

"I have to call the insurance company tomorrow." Dark sighed, lifting Ivy high above his head and then sticking his tongue out at her, which made her giggle.
 
"I guess I can't drive it until the insurance is settled, but I guess that means Ba will just have to put up with driving us for a couple more days," Xander said, trying to figure out chopsticks. He had a fork, but he was determined to get the sticks to work!

"Oh no, poor him," Alec giggled. "It's absolute torture!"
 
"You can drive it," Dark informed him, "There is a grace period between the date of purchase and when insurance is set up, but I still want to have it set up as soon as possible. Keep the bottom stick still, you are moving both." He held up his two sticks to demonstrate the difference.
 
Xander scowled at the sticks and tried again, but he started waving the wrong one. He shifted his hold and tried again, but he was still moving both. He attempted to pick up a piece of chicken anyway and ended up flipping it onto the table. With a look of revenge, he used one chopstick to stab the chicken and transport it up to his mouth.

"Does this mean you're happy to release us into the wilds of the road and have your morning commute back to yourself?" Alec asked as Xander continued to struggl.e
 
"I can never take you to an Asian restaurant." Dark said blandly, and then explained to Daizi what he had done, which made her laugh for the first time since the test drive.

"You are perfect for a traditional Arab restaurant where we still eat with our hands," She teased, gripping Dark's hand beneath the table, because something about joking hurt in a different way, "you will have no problems there."

"As long as he only eats with his right hand."
 
"I am so sorry that I bring shame and dishonor to this family," Xander said dryly, clearly not meaning a word of it. "I will attempt to get better at eating food with little sticks of wood instead of a fork."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top