How Green Becomes Wood

Dark took comfort in the silence. There was a lot on his mind, suddenly. After some time he spoke up to say, "I will go back there some day."

~~

She adjusted the strap of her shirt, hesitating for a significant while as she tried to figure out how to explain it without it sounding terrible. "It wasn't Dark," was how she chose to began it, "He's never hit me." Not without her consent, anyway, "But, well..." She frowned, slumping her shoulders, "There's no real way to explain it without sounding like an abuse victim in denial. I'm not either."
 
"Yeah? Cool," Xander nodded. "I bet you will, and I bet you'll have a complicatedly good."

~~

"Well. This ought to be a good story," Lex said, crossing one leg under her. "Means it was one of your boys then. Mind sharing with me how you're not a victim in denial?"
 
"You have never known weather like that. It does not rain at all during the summers." Dark said mildly, looking up at the distant rain clouds.

~~

"It was Xander," Daizi admitted, tipping her head down and listening to Ivy's little jingle. "It wasn't his fault, I had startled him. ...I'm not stupid, I know exactly how that sounds. It was his fault, but he was outside consumed with this memory he was dealing with... It's not my place to tell his story or his experience, but I think he was only physically in the garden, if you understand me, so when I approached him, he reacted as if he were elsewhere, he didn't know who had come up behind him."
 
"I wasn't sure if it rained at all," Xander admitted, following his gaze to the clouds. "When does it rain? In the winter?"

~~

Lex didn't say anything for a long moment, just absorbed what Daizi had said. "Well. Sh**," she said at last. "That's a pretty strong reaction. Are you sure you're okay? That he's okay?"
 
"In the winter." Dark confirmed, "But even then, it's much less than here. I have not looked at the statistics in a long time, but I believe we get about forty inches of rain each year here, but there... It's probably under ten inches."

~~

Daizi sat in silence for awhile, still struggling with the emotion of the night felt, "He's like Dark. He's always been like Dark. In a flight-or-fight moment, they fight. And that's not an excuse. But Dark has never hit me. I didn't think Xander ever would. But it wasn't... me, really. So, I forgave him. And I do forgive him. But, it felt like... I never had the chance to really process it. Because when he was realized, he was distraught, he ran away, so I had to worry for him and make sure he was okay and supported. And the next day, everything he had been suppressing broke loose, so I had to be there for him. And I'd do it again, for him I'd like to believe I'd do it again, because I don't want him to feel overwhelmed by guilt. I know it was an accident. But I wish..." She trailed off, not knowing how to explain it. It didn't happen in her own time, she supposed. "He's been doing better, I think. He's had some more insular moments, but nothing quite like that."
 
"That's not much at all," Xander said. He didn't fully understand rainfall stats, but just comparing the two numbers, that was a big jump!

Alec pulled himself up out of the skating ramp with a groan. "My butt hurts!" he declared, hobbling over to them. "Why don't they have butt pads?"

~~

Lex hissed softly and winced empathetically. "That's a lot to deal with. That's a lot of scary stuff to happen all at once, and I'm betting he scared you big time when he hit you." She wondered briefly if Daizi was the type to strike back or cower. Not that she blamed anyone for cowering. It was a completely natural response and sometimes better than striking back.
 
"It is a desert," Dark commented, his gaze moving to Alec as he walked up, "I believe your body is meant to provide that naturally for you."

~~

"It did." Daizi wasn't ashamed to admit, "I was so sure none of them ever would, when he p--hit me, until he spoke, I thought someone had broken in, and this stranger was clearly violent, and I didn't know what they'd do if I tried to run, or if I tried to scream, and I didn't know if they were armed. Then I learned they weren't real, but... Until he spoke, I didn't know. Had it been someone who broke in, what could I have done? I didn't even have my phone on me, nobody walks into their gated yard with pepper spray."
 
"Haha," Alec said blandly, rubbing the injured part of his body. "Still, it was actually a lot of fun! Not my thing, but so much fun! I think I'm happy with my singular wheel."

Xander patted his shoulder gently. "Good job. Looks like you did pretty decently for your first time, too."

~~

"Pain inflicted by loved and trusted ones hurts deeper than anything else," Lex agreed solemnly. "It's something that's not easy to get over. It takes time for trust to be rebuilt even if you fully understand the whys of it all."
 
"You did seem to do well for a beginner, although you may be sore tomorrow." Dark said, leading the way from the spot where they had been lingering, figuring it was probably around the right time to get lunch. "The Cyr wheel may have helped with this, I presume you have learned how to fall safely."

~~

Daizi took a breath and scrunched her face, holding it before exhaling and rolling her shoulders back, "I'm coping with it. There's nothing else I can really do. He apologized, it's on me to do the rest, really. He's already in therapy, so. The rest is on me." After tucking her hair back, Daizi bent down to scoop Ivy back up, holding her closely, "I don't mean to trauma dump on you, I just intended to bring over some berries."
 
"Uh-huh! I've gotten pretty good at it! I'm the best at falling," Alec grinned jokingly.

"That you are," Xander told him. "It was pretty cool watching you."

"Did you see those skaters? They were so epic! They way they flipped and twirled? Out of this world! Especially that one girl with those amazing black curls! They were so bouncy and shiny," Alec chattered.

~~

"It's alright. I've got some pretty strong shoulders to help carry a burden or two, and it seems like you needed an outside perspective," Lex told her easily. "It's not easy when the problem is inside the home, but you've got an excellent support system. Just one day at a time, am I right?"
 
"Perhaps you would not have fallen so much had you been watching what you were doing," Dark allowed himself to tease, "They did look impressive. It takes a lot of training to be able to do the things they can. Daizi has always said if she weren't blind, she would do roller derby."

~~

"Yeah," Daizi murmured, unable to help but try and smile when Ivy attempted to steal her sunglasses, "One day at a time... I just... He told me yesterday becoming a mother 'tamed' me, and it was crushing. He walked it back later and tried his best to make me feel less bad about myself. And I appreciated that. But... I realized this morning, I couldn't even have the space to deal with what he did to me--even though I do forgive him, and even though it was an accident--on my own terms. What more can they have me do?"
 
"That's fair," Alec chuckled. "Mama would be fabulous at roller derby! Even blind I bet she'd be good."

"She'd totally kick a**," Xander agreed. He turned and waved to Toby, who waved back enthusiastically.

~~

Lex shrugged. "Maybe it's not about you," she suggested, "or maybe it is but not in the way you think. We're all inherently selfish creatures, you know. Can't help it when they only head you can see into is your own, and you are constantly trying to figure things out for your best survival. Empathy takes a hell of a lot of work, but even when we're doing our best to be empathetic, we only got one view of the world. Tunnel visioned, and we sometimes don't even realize it. You've had a lot of sh** to deal with, before, during, and after little Ivy there, and it's hard to balance self-care with total devotion to the wee-one. Kids don't understand that. They can't. It's too easy to be black and white. So, it's up to us to tell them exactly what we need. Which then sucks when we don't know what we need. They think they know what you need, and they're trying to push it on you. Like all those nosey old ladies who tell you the right way to treat your body when you're pregnant, right? They might mean well, but you're the only one who can figure out what you need."
 
"As much as I want to claim otherwise, I think I would be incredibly anxious if she took up a full-contact sport like that." Dark confessed, "She is the only one who knows the soup recipe. What would I make her if she had a broken bone?"

~~

It was hard to figure out how to reply to that. She didn't know what she needed, Lex was right about that. Untangling this confusing fragmented and conflicting source of distress felt almost hopeless, especially because she was in therapy just like the rest of them were. "I wanted to be a mother for so long, but now that I am... I don't know. Sometimes it is exactly like I had thought it would be. And sometimes..." She smoothed her baby's hair, "Dark took to parenthood easier, I think."
 
"Oooo, good point," Alec said soberly.

Xander nodded seriously. "A very good point. I guess that means that she must be protected at all costs for the sake of the soup. No contact sports."

~~

"Sometimes you feel like you just need a break, but then you feel guilty as hell for wanting a break, especially when you wanted the baby so badly?" Lex asked bluntly.
 
"It is not for fear of her not being able to make the soup," Dark clarified, "but I have treated her many times as she has not been at her best physically. Now you both have too. There is nothing I can do to match the magic she works."

~~

"It's not even just her," Daizi said, "I mean, she's difficult, but so are the twins, just in different ways. And I can't put her down for a nap without feeling like I should do something with them, because I don't want them to feel like I love them less. Because I don't, but it's different, because they don't have the same support needs, and sometimes it's the opposite, and I feel bad about wanting to be with them instead of her. And in between that, I still need to find time to be a wife, and to be with our pets. We're getting rid of our rats. I wanted this, but we didn't plan it."
 
"You offer a different kind of magic, something none of the rest of us can do," Alec told Dark. "Maybe it's not as directly powerful as Daizi's, but it's still powerful."

Xander slowed as they approached the car and glanced back toward the park to catch a final glimpse of the skaters. He had absolutely no desire to learn to skate - or board, or use a scooter - but at this level of skill, it was fun to watch. And it had been amazing to go with Dark.

~~

"Ouch. That is a lot of baskets to juggle," Lex agreed, nodding solemnly. She could have offered further advice, but Daizi hadn't asked for it, and she hadn't meant to offer the advice she had. So, instead, she reminded herself to play the listening ear. "What do you do with the boys?"
 
"Really? And what is that?" Dark asked, looking down at Alec.

~~

"I play music with Alec," Daizi said, shutting her eyes when Ivy took the glasses off of her face. She wanted them back, but didn't want Ivy to burst into tears, "I was who taught him how to play piano. It's harder with Xander. He still maintains we don't have anything in common, which I don't think is true, but Ivy sort of complicated things, because he has an issue with pregnancy, so during much of our first year, he kind of found it... difficult. We didn't have a lot of time alone together as a result. I keep trying to find something, but there are a lot of things I either couldn't do or still can't. We went parasailing together, though, just the two of us, and that was wonderful."
 
"You make people feel safe, for one thing, and you make Daizi feel like the the most amazing person in the world with how you look at her, talk to her, and touch her. If that's not a kind of magic, I don't know what is," Alec stated.

Xander turned to stare at him. What kind of romantic sap was that?

~

Lex considered this for a moment in silence. "That is tough with Xander," she mused, "and it sounds like Alec's let the attention run away with him just a bit as well as the adrenaline rush of always being busy." She tapped her chin lightly before asking, "Can I make a suggestion? Feel free to say no if you've had it up to here with suggestions."
 
"I do not know if that is magic," Dark countered... but still puffed up his chest a bit at the praise, "She is the most amazing person in the world. I would marry her twice. Making her feel that way is only keeping things in their natural order."

~~

Managing to distract Ivy sufficiently, Daizi freed her sunglasses and put them back on without inciting a meltdown. Then, in a tone both wry and nervous said, "Only if your advice isn't just more of the things I'm doing wrong. It's not even like I constantly want breaks from her, or from them, there are days, a lot of days, where I can't take being parted from her."
 
"If Daizi can have magic, so can you," Alec smirked. "Come on! Speaking of Daizi, we should head home, unless you want to watch more people rolling about on wheels."

~~

"I can imagine," Lex said sincerely. "And, honestly? As long as the kiddos are all alive and well at the end of the day, fed, changed, and not severely injured by your doing, you're doing enough. You're winning the gold medal. I mean that. Everything else is just extra that you do your best to fit in. The thing is, though, you need some time to yourself even if you aren't feeling the burning need for it. In fact, it's better if you can manage it before your burning need, but that's not always going to happen. Plus, you want to go back to working in the office eventually, right? No matter how you do it, it's going to be painful for you both as you shift over, but trying to spend some regular time away - safely and all that - might help you both. Now, to help balance time for everyone including you, this might sound real clinical and stupid, but I'd suggest a bit of scheduling. Something like Mondays, you spend an hour just with Alec. Tuesday is an hour just with Xander. Every day, you take some time even if it's ten minutes doing something for you. Hair treatment, extra long shower, whatever, and once a week, you take me time for yourself just like you give to your boys. Dark gets his turn too, of course, and you can be totally flexible. Maybe you spend a half hour here, but two hours next time, and so on. As long as you're spending time that totally focused on the other person, quantity doesn't matter as much as quality. Again, it might not always work out right, and that's okay as long as you keep trying. Trying counts more than succeeding a lot of the time. Does that sound like something you could work with?"
 
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