How Green Becomes Wood

She turned slightly at the tug, knowing he couldn't do more, but what it was made her eyes nearly brim over with tears. It wasn't his fault, and he wasn't the one she was afraid of, and it was so much to juggle. "I had wanted," she struggled to swallow so her throat wasn't too tight to speak, "to wake up Ivy, that night, so I could hold her. In retrospect, it sounds crazy."
 
It did sound crazy to him, but he had enough insight to know that would be a very bad thing to say. "To bring you some comfort?" he tried instead. "Or to make sure she was okay?"
 
"For comfort," She answered quickly, but then after a moment, "Maybe to reassure myself she was okay. I knew nothing had happened, but I think my body still didn't, at that point. But I thought it was just for comfort."
 
"And she's just... only good. I think it's like holding hugging Enkidu, when you're upset, except she's learning how to hug back." Daizi explained, despite doubting he'd ever really understand, "She doesn't know there are bad things in the world, yet."
 
"It's okay if you don't," She promised, "It's like what we were talking about yesterday. You love people differently and you grieve people differently. You don't feel the same type of love for a baby that you do for a grown or mostly grown person. You can't."
 
Xander tugged very gently at Daizi's sleeve. "I understand," he promised, and he did understand that. "I do believe you that you don't love her more. I wouldn't blame you if you did all things considered, you know, but even if you did love her more, I know you love me and Alec a hell of a lot. That would be enough for me."
 
Daizi smiled slightly, "Good. That's a relief. Really." She pressed her forehead against the pillow she was holding and tried to remind herself of what Lex said about the twins choosing to help rather than being forced to, but it still didn't feel totally comfortable. Dark never seemed to be in this situation, so it felt like there was some flaw in her. "I love you and your brother more than I thought I could love anyone. It doesn't make sense to say, because of how much I love Dark, but, like I've said, it's different."
 
Xander thought about that, his fingers absently playing with the fabric of Daizi's sleeve as he mulled things over. "I think... I envy that," he finally said. "Maybe not envy. Maybe admire? Something like that. I love you guys more than I thought I could, but it's not a hard bar to pass when you have a hard time even liking people, let alone trusting or loving them. It's a scary feeling. You just... do it. You get hurt a lot because of it, but you do it anyway."
 
Daizi fell silent for a little while, considering what he said, "I think people are all we've got, really. A lot of people are afraid to let themselves love someone out of fear of how it will hurt when it ends, and love always ends. Even in the best possible circumstance, and they never do anything to harm you, people die. And that's terrifying. I'm terrified. I've told Dark for years he's not allowed to die before me. We think so much about how bad it will feel when it's over, we don't stop to consider how wonderful it will be when we're living it. But I think..." She exhaled slowly, considering her words and touching the tip of her tongue to the point of one of her canine teeth, "I decided long ago that even if my relationship, platonic, romantic, familial, or something new altogether ends horribly, the love I had with that person when things were good doesn't go away. I still had those wonderful memories, and I don't have to regret them, just because the ending was bad. It's about the story. It's always been about the story. It's like the Alanis Morisette song: You live, you learn. You love, you learn. You cry, you learn. You lose, you learn. You bleed, you learn. You scream, you learn. And that's... life. I don't want to miss out on any of it, because if you think you've learned all of the lessons there is to learn, then you've run out of things to do. Getting your heart trampled on is a horrible feeling, I've been there many times. Many times. But you can only have your heart trampled on if you loved enough, and it's a wonderful thing to love. It's a wonderful thing. I don't know. It's worth the risk, I guess, because it's better to be with people, and be scared, than isolated and safe, but never know how divine it can be."
 
"Is that like that one saying about how it's better to love and lose than to not love ever?" Xander asked, misquoting the saying but getting it mostly close enough. "I guess. I mean. Up until pretty recently, just having Alec was enough. And our Mum before that. And I didn't think I'd need anyone else, but then I got more people than I know what to do with. And it's still scary, but... it's not... bad? But sometimes I kind of want to still just... pull out and walk away. I know don't want want that, but sometimes the thought pops into my head. But there's you. I kept hurting you. A lot. But you always forgive. I don't know if I have that kind of strength. You're way better and stronger than anything I could ever be, and I just wish I could be better for you."
 
"I keep forgiving because you haven't done anything unforgivable," Daizi replied simply, shifting nearer to him, but not so near they touched, "and you're young. Your brain is still developing. Love isn't something that weak people do. It's never easy, when it comes naturally. It definitely never came naturally to Dark, or... If it did, it was drained out of him. Forced, out of him. It still takes him longer. I think the fact I've no choice but to rely on others more than most affects how things work for me. But..." She inhaled slowly, "Everything takes time. It took me a long time to learn like people, I could live individuals, but... the world... That's a lot harder. It really is. But I think the horrors of the world are easier to cope with if you can accept its wonders, too. That's what Dark says sometimes: There must be blood, but there can be wonders, too."
 
Daizi nodded, lowering the pillow somewhat, "I was telling you yesterday I'm not restrained in it. I think I accept that... I'm not sure I've cultivated as much of a sanctuary as you might expect. Not an emotional one, anyway. It's more like... a citadel. Which I guess would be more secure, but what I mean is there are people in the keep with me, but there are more wandering outside as I move outwards from the people I love the most. My physical safety was violated, but the core of me is okay. I think it's okay."
 
"But you have nightmares about it. That doesn't seem... okay," Xander said cautiously. If she said she was okay, he would accept That and move on, but the dream he'd witnessed hadn't seemed okay.
 
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