How Green Becomes Wood

"Well... Alec..." Daizi said quietly, pulling her hands free so she could turn to him, "I'm going to worry about you more if you don't talk to me, because I still know you're struggling. At least when you talk to me, I know what's going on with you, so I don't have to be afraid of if I say the wrong thing, or if I did something to hurt you, or if you're in danger, or about any of the other million things it could be. The less I know of what you're struggling with, the more I worry, because... honestly... you are not as good at hiding things as you think you are. Even when Ivy was brand new and we were hardly sleeping and dealing with all of the horrible things happening, and all of the wonderful ones, we may not have known the depths to which you were struggling, but we still knew you weren't okay. And now that we have... more of a routine, we can tell. And if I don't know what's happening, then I don't know how---" With a sharp inhale, Daizi surprised herself with how hard it was to force the word out, "bad you're hurting. Only that you are, and that scares me more than anything. It doesn't make it easier on me, whatever your intentions, when you don't tell me, because I--" A strangled whimper escaped her open mouth and she tipped her face up towards the ceiling, a memory playing through her mind. Tapping her thumb to her fingertips, feeling something she hadn't for many years, she forced herself to take a deep breath as she felt her husband's loving hands on her back and on her knee, and did her best to ground herself by the scent of his cologne.

How could she say what scared her? Knowing what a deep wound it was?
 
The twins looked at Daizi worriedly. This wasn't the first time they'd seen her so upset when talking about this kind of thing, them not sharing what was bothering them, but it seemed like an overreaction to them. Why?

"Mama?" Alec asked cautiously. "Mama, what's wrong?"

Dr. Dre studied Daizi for a moment, glancing between Dark and Daizi. Keeping her voice low and even, she said, "The idea of not knowing how deeply the pain goes seems to worry you, Daizi. Would you be willing to share with us why you are so worried about why the children won't share their pain with you?"
 
From the look on Dark's face, he knew what this was. He knew exactly what this was. And it hurt deeply. Leaning in towards her, he stroked her hair with one hand, watching as her face paled at the question.

"I..." She choked, eyes wide, "I can't---It's... It's not mine..."

"It is okay," Dark whispered to her, gently pressing his mouth against her hair. He didn't know if he was ready, and holding her obscured how his hands had begun to travel. He hadn't retained much more of his colour than she had. "You can share it."

It took some time of her sitting with her husband, holding tightly to his arm, before she was able to force out the truth, in a frail, frightened voice, "If I don't... know... what is hurting them, and how deeply it is hurting them, then... I don't know if they're safe. I don't know what they're planning to do and can't help stop it before they do." She squeezed Dark's arm and hid her face against him as she fought out the words, "I don't want to find them."

Dark blinked up at the ceiling because when he looked down, he could see two versions of his wife, and he felt nearly like ripping his own heart from his chest. In muted voices, old ways of coping called to him, but he didn't listen to them, anymore. Although he was able to shake them away, it didn't absolve him from the hurt and guilt, and, not for the first time, or the second, or the third, whispered a hoarse apology to his soulmate..
 
"Mama?" Alec repeated, his voice trembling. "Mama, you think we'd hurt ourselves?"

Xander nudged his leg lightly but firmly. "Mama, I swear to you, I swear I've never once thought of it. No matter how badly I've hurt." It was a lie, but one he felt was needed, and he figured everyone at some point had a low enough moment to consider something like that. He'd never done anything more than briefly entertain a fleeting thought, but she didn't need to know that. It was never serious, and it hadn't been for a couple of years, at least.

"I swear, too, Mama. I swear it," Alec promised, fighting not to cry. His lie was a little bigger than Xander's, but not by much. "I would never hurt you like that! Nothing I felt could ever be worth hurting you like that."
 
"You said," Daizi replied, as difficult as it was. She couldn't keep her voice steady, but she tried, "You told us, once, you had thought about it. Sometime after Declan, when you weren't eating, you told us. And Dark---he didn't want to hurt me either, he didn't want to scare me, but he was seventeen. He thought it would hurt us less if he was gone: he was so lost, and in so much pain, he just couldn't keep going, and I sort of knew, but I didn't know. Cooger didn't know. We thought, I thought---" Finally, her body couldn't take it anymore, and she broke down in sobs, clinging to the man who had unintentionally caused this so many years ago, the dam that had been holding back all of this terror as she listened to her children suffer without being able to reach them breaking. She didn't know how deep things went for either son, or what they thought of, or how they'd try. It wasn't necessarily that she believed they would, but she believed anybody could. Deeply, personally, she knew that. The twins were younger than Dark was, but older than she was when she found him.

Dark looked made of stone. His hands gripped his wife with a gentle ferocity so loving and protective it seemed if someone attempted to separate them, it wouldn't go well. Torn between guilt, empathy, regret, and a hundred more emotions he could not name, he held her without a word until she was unable to finish his sentence. Then, he spoke for her, "She thought I had been getting better." The pair of them, many times, had discussed what happened that day, just the two of them, and with Cooger, and in couple's therapy, and in individual therapy, and family therapy like this. Although it had been traumatizing, and would always hurt, there wasn't resentment there, but the buried fear had been dredged up time and time again over the two years.
 
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"Oh, Mama. Ba," Alec whimpered, tears tracking down his cheeks as he watched them. Guilt and something he couldn't name, a frantic, fearful emotion, clawed at his stomach. He shook his head and started to stand. "I... I can't. I can't," he mumbled.

Xander caught his arm and pulled him gently but firmly into the chair where he sat. Thankfully, it was an oversized chair, meaning they both fit even if it was a very tight squeeze. "You have to," he whispered fiercely, his own eyes burning with unshed tears. "If you leave now, how do you think they'll feel?"

Alec looked from Xander to Dark and Daizi. Then he gave a slight nod and turned into Xander, clinging to him tightly. He had to stay. It was true. He couldn't leave them to feel guilty over expressing something that needed to be expressed. What Daizi had said was something that needed to come out no matter how uncomfortable it made him to hear. So he closed his eyes and pressed into his brother, trying, desperately trying to be strong. He had to be strong. At least stong enough not to flee. He wanted to run. He didn't want to face the mortality of his father. His mother. His brother. Himself. He didn't want to think about how close death stood to them all! He'd lost one. He felt he'd almost lost another when Xander had finally broken down his own barriers. Wasn't that enough? Life was cruel enough already. He didn't want to face the idea of losing more people.

Dr. Dre didn't say anything, watching them quietly and making a few notes. Daizi could take however much time she needed. She would have let Alec leave and almost stopped Xander from stopping him, but the two seemed to be handling it alright. So, she put a tissue box within Dark's reach and waited.
 
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"I am so sorry," Dark murmured, once more apologizing for the actions of his teenage self. Seeing the way those actions over twenty years ago not only still affected his wife, but would also affect his children, gnawed at him. It was difficult to perceive the boy in the bathtub as himself with all the years which had passed, yet he still vividly remembered how empty everything had felt when he made that choice. And how relieved he had been. Then, how scared. He had died, only to be resurrected, and had done so much work not to end up in that place again. But two decades later, echoes of it still lashed out at those he cared for most. In a way, it didn't seem fair. Daizi's didn't seem to be so long lasting. But hers was much more recent and she hadn't died.

Shutting his eyes for a moment to try and block some of the guilt out, and he let go of his wife with one hand just long enough to grab a tissue and wipe her nose with the practiced motion of a father with an infant. After taking a deep breath, holding it in his lungs, and letting it go, Dark spoke again, once more for his wife, "It is difficult, because our sons' situation is in some ways similar to mine. It is not the same at all, but it is close enough to reopen old wounds. They are the age we were, but we are much older so it looks different than before. It is not their fault, but..." He looked down at his wife, "I believe it is better to ask what someone can handle, rather than assuming. I am sorry you had to hear about that part of my past."

The whole time, Daizi had been trying to get herself to stop crying, but it was so hard. Shuddering intensely, she finally managed to say, "I've been so scared," and, "I'm always going to worry, just going to worry more if I don't know."
 
The twins said nothing. Alec clung to Xander, and Xander held him tight, both shaking a little. They'd had some idea of what had happened, but neither had fully known beyond a shadow of a doubt. Neither had stopped to compare the situations and how they were similar. Neither had truly thought about the ages. They hadn't thought about just how badly Daizi was scared. It had been over two decades ago, and she always presented herself as being so strong. It hadn't seemed like something that would still haunt her. Yet, it did. And would continue to for some time.

Dr. Dre gave them a little bit longer in silence. "Thank you for sharing," she said gently. "That was a difficult thing to bring up, and I appreciate you baring your pain like this. Even with therapy, some pain, some scars, they never fully go away. They can seem to, and they can fade until something happens that brings it all back to the surface again. Resurfacing pain can be especially difficult to deal with when you were not expecting it or when those who brought that pain back do not understand or take the time to understand what it means to you." She looked at the twins. "Would you share what you are thinking about now? Xander?" she prompted after a moment when neither took the initiative.

Xander didn't look at Dark and Daizi, his gaze fixed on something in front of him. He lifted his chin slightly so he could talk without hitting it on Alec's head. "I don't know how to process that kind of pain," he said bluntly. "I don't know what to do about it."

"To do about it? Why do you think you have to do anything?" Dr. Dre asked.

"Well..." He hesitated. "Don't you have to do something? When someone tells you stuff like that? If they said they had a splinter, aren't you supposed to help pull it out?"

"Sometimes, yes, but some pains are not like that. Some pains are more like an incurable condition. Like diabetes. There is nothing you can do about that kind of pain, but sometimes you can help them by simply listening and learning how to ease their life around it. What do you think you can learn from this situation?"

Xander glanced at briefly at Dark and Daizi before returning his gaze to something and nothing. "I don't know how to talk about things sometimes. Trying to learn, but haven't figured it out. But... maybe I could... say something to say... where I am? Like, mentally? To say I'm doing okay or... something."

"Perhaps you can try to convey what it is you need in that moment?" Dr. Dre suggested. "If you need time alone, or if you need your favorite snack, or if you need a hug? Would you be able to express a need, no matter how temorary? Or if you do not know what you need, you could say that."

"Yeah, I could try," Xander agreed.
 
"It's not their fault," Daizi murmured, shivering only from the intensity of her reaction. Something had flooded through her, and now she stood in her night dress, soaked to the bone. When Dark's arm tightened around her, she thought how nice it was at least she had a fire. Shutting her eyes again, she stretched and then nestled closer in against him, and for a brief moment she smiled. Here was a fire that never could go out. One she'd have to the end of her days, regardless of how cold or stormy it was, "They didn't know, and I didn't know how to tell them. I didn't know, until... until recently."

They both listened to what Xander said carefully, glad he was coming around to something. It seemed like something they had suggested before, but maybe it was in their minds. It was all a blur of advice they'd been told, advice they'd given to both boys, or just to Alec, or just to Xander, or what they intended to suggest. But it was good. And it was actionable. It would help.
 
"Alec?" Dr. Dre asked, watching him. "Do you have anything you would like to say? Something you would like to add?"

Alec didn't say anything, still holding tight to Xander. Finally, he whispered, "I don't want to talk right now, please. I don't... No, thank you."

"That is alright," Dr. Dre assured him. She wanted to circle back to him in a moment in the hopes that he would speak up, but she wouldn't force him. Instead, she turned to Dark and Daizi. "Is there anything you would like to tell Xander and Alec in this moment?"
 
This was a question both adults thought about for a few moments, and slowly Daizi made herself sit up properly, even though she wanted to remain half-draped over her husband's arm, safe within his loving wingspan. Swallowing hard, she wiped her face, and from somewhere deep in her soul, said, "I love you both so much. I don't mean to scare you, or worry you. I don't want to burden you any. It's just hard to be kept out from your inner worlds, when I so, so desperately want to help you: I know you're trying to protect me, and I appreciate that, but... I don't want to repeat myself, but I'm always going to worry about you. I'll worry less if I know what's going on."

It took Dark a little bit longer. There was so much in his soul weighing him down, even in the best of times. When the chair creaked beneath him, it didn't sound to his ears like a result of his physical mass, "I do not want you to be scared for me or for either of us. I have not been in such a place for many long years. I remember being that person, but I can no longer... identify... with that desire... It has grown... foreign... to me. I still have depression, and all of my other conditions, but I want to live so much I no longer think about wanting it, it my reality, and I am glad of it." This, like the twins had done earlier, was a little lie. He no longer wanted to die, or when he was worn out and emotionally raw and the thought popped in he immediate responded to it with no you do not, shut up, but sometimes he'd like to sleep, in those moments. And sometimes he was still surprised to wake up and think how glad he was to get to live. But they were all lying a little bit. "I do not know how to not be intense. I want to be easier to talk to, but I do not know how not to be. I am sorry if I am difficult to approach."
 
Xander shrugged a little. "It's not your fault you're intense. That's just who you are. It means we know exactly what we're going to get. You're always going to take it seriously, and you're always going to give it to us straight. I'd rather that than someone who's super easy to approach who only tries to make things light and fluffy and better." He hesitated, not sure how to deal with everything else. "It's... it's good to know that you... you want to live and all that. That you don't think like that." He glanced at his mother. "I'll try to be more... open, I guess. You're easier to talk to than Ba, but... you're always determined to care about every damn thing to cross your path to the absolute max. It's the best worst thing about you. I'm always worried that this might be the thing to break you. I know I could just ask if you're up for it, but would you ever really tell me no? Would you ever actually tell me that today is not a good day and you can't hear my problems?"
 
Daizi shifted, rubbing her arm and turning her face away, "I... I don't know. Maybe not. But..." She shrugged, "I... I don't like to think of myself as being that fragile... I feel like I used to be able to take more. I like to think I still can." Shaking her head softly, she asked, "How am I supposed to hear you come to me with a problem and tell you I don't have the time for you? Especially since Ivy? How do I say I'm too busy for you, and then go off to nurse her? How would that make you feel? I remember last year when Ivy was brand new, and we were hardly able to do more than care for her, and how hard that was on you both. Even without her... How am I supposed to send you away?"
 
"I don't know, Mama, it's just..." Xander pulled one arm away from Alec to wave in frustration. "You're not fragile. I've never thought you were fragile. No, I did, I did when we found you basically passed out before the mini was born. I thought you were fragile then because I was scared and you were scared and everyone was scared, but other than that, you aren't fragile. You just got a weight limit. Everybody does. But you ignore yours a lot. I don't have any answers for you. I want to talk to you and tell you things and not make you think that I think you're fragile, but you already have so much going on. So much weight on your shoulders. You gotta be a mum to three ridiculously different kids, a wife to him, do a whole flippin' awesome career, look after the house... You act like it's not a lot of work, or like it shouldn't be a big deal, but it is. Any one of those things is a big deal. Doing all of them? It's insanely awesome! And it only makes sense that you spend more time with the Mini. She needs you. We do, too, but she's a mini."
 
"When Alec thought I was dead before you knew I was pregnant, or when I did pass out because of my morning sickness?" Daizi asked softly, because it was easier to deflect that way, "and Dark does the most to take care of the house. Especially now that you and your brother have your own chores. Not a whole lot left for me to do, so..."

"Daizi..."

"What?" Dark asked, turning towards him, "What do you expect me to say? I don't know what my limit is. I don't want to say I can't listen to them, and miss something important. The first time we went to family therapy, what started our problems was because I said we were having Ivy call us Mama and Baba, and there was no way for me to predict that'd happen, and I was hardly in my body because I was in active labour, prematurely, when it happened, but I mean... I couldn't give my full attention there, and look what happened." She shook her head, "I know, I know that sort of thing isn't going to happen again, or at least it's not likely to happen again, where one sentence I say unravels everything, but... What am I supposed to do? And you both say that it's okay I spend more time with Ivy, and I want to believe that, but... If you're struggling, and you come to talk to me, and I tell you, 'not right now, I'm dealing with the baby?', how will you feel then? If I'm just about to change her, or feed her, I'm sure you'd understand you need to wait a bit, but if what I'm doing with her isn't urgent? And all of that isn't... What if I am truly rested and fully available, but you just assume otherwise? Then I still can't help you, and all I want is to help you, because I love you. And it makes me feel good to help the people I love. It's hard, but it's not harder than not helping."
 
Dr. Dre stepped in and held up her hand. "Let's all take a moment now. Things are getting heated. I am glad to see things coming out, but I think we should all take a moment to breathe and calm down." She led them in a brief breathing exercise, using her hand to guide them. "There we go." She glanced between them. "Daizi, do you feel as though you are at constant risk of failing those around you?"
 
Dark and Daizi both obliged Dr. Dre in the breathing exercises, and then when she asked her next question, Daizi tried to answer, "I---" before exhaling softly, "When... When the twins first came to live with us, they didn't really speak to either of us, because they didn't trust us yet, which I understand. Then, I was pregnant, so I was told to rest. They didn't want to stress me, because stress could hurt the baby. I still was able to have serious, important conversations with them, but it was harder. I always had to convince them that I could take it, and that was difficult, and frustrating, but... It was only supposed to be for nine months, right? And they were right to worry, I was never supposed to be able to have Ivy, and as is she came early. I still think they didn't need to worry quite as much, and wish they had trusted me more, but I can't really fault their instincts. Then I had just given birth, and they didn't want to talk to me about their problems, because I needed to heal. I needed my sleep. Ivy needed me all the time. And I thought, I was really, really tired. And I was in so much physical pain, it was like..." Her eyebrows knitted together, "I don't know if you have ever been in that position, but if you haven't, it feels like your body is crumbling, and no matter how you sit or stand you hurt, and you aren't even sleeping because the baby keeps you up. It was horrible, and it was wonderful, and I didn't recognize my own body, so I understood why they stayed private. I was going to heal, and Ivy was going to start sleeping through the night, and then it would get better. I did, and she did, but now it's that I take on too much, and that they're worried about hitting my limit, however high they say they think it is."

Swallowing hard, Daizi tipped her head down, spinning her wedding ring around her finger, "I just... I don't know at what point it'll end. At what point they'll be able to just... come and talk to me. Like it's simple. It is heartwarming that they care so much about me. That they want to badly to make sure I'm safe. But I'm an adult. I'm their mother. I want them to be able to come to me without me having to first meet whatever bar they're judging me by out of their fear for me. I can't imagine it's easy, not with what they've been through, but..."
 
"I can see how that would be highly frustrating," Dr. Dre agreed with a nod. "To love someone is to desire to help them and to be there for them, to hear their problems and support them. To have the one you love keep you at arms length with the express desire of keeping you safe can be highly aggravating and grieving. However, if you have expressed repeatedly that you are there for them, waiting with open arms and a listening ear, all you can do is wait for them to come to you. That is the most painful part of being a parent: Waiting for your children to come to you."

She turned to the twins. "I think it is admirable that you want to look after your parents. To love is to protect, and you have done very well, but as your mother said, she has had time to heal. Is it really your job to decide how much she can or cannot handle? It is difficult, I know, when it seems that someone is reaching beyond what they can handle and you are afraid they will get hurt, but to try to define their limits for them can be even more painful than anything else they could experience. Your trust has been tried in the past, and it is difficult to rebuild trust, even when it is with a different person, but in learning to trust them, you learn to trust yourself, and you learn to let go of fears that will hold you back in other aspects of your life."
 
"I try to be patient," Daizi said, choosing not to mention how they go to Dark because she didn't want it to sound like she begrudged him or the twins over it. "And they aren't forced to come to me, if they're truly not comfortable, I understand. I get it. I try to get it. It's just... I don't like... feeling this way. Like people are feeling sorry for me all the time. Like I'm not trusted to know myself. And that's not... that's not something only they do. And I know they don't mean it that way, I'm not upset with them, I'm not. Most people don't mean to come off that way. I'm not... tragic. We're all doing the best we can, all of us. Ivy is the only one largely immune to it, but even she cries if we are. I just want..." She trailed off, then she sighed, shook her head, and said, "No, nevermind. Xander said he'd try to talk to us more. That's enough."
 
Dr. Dre nodded slightly. "Thank you for sharing, Daizi. I appreciate your honesty." She turned to the twins. "I notice that you talk a lot about how it is difficult to bring things to your mother. How about your father?"

Xander hesitated, thinking it over. "It's... easier, I guess. It feels like he takes more time for himself to do his own things. Like woodworking and going for runs in the morning, things like that. He's still got a lot going on, and I'm not saying it's not heavy stuff, but it seems like he takes breaks. For himself. And... he doesn't tend to..." he glanced at his mother briefly. "Go as long on a topic?"
 
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