How Green Becomes Wood

Daizi squeezed her eyes shut and turned her face away, her heart constricting in her chest and feeling ashamed of how she felt. Part of her wanted to just get up and leave, but she wouldn't. It wouldn't fix anything. But god, they hadn't even given the twins to talk about the anniversary of their mother's death because she was too busy talking about herself.

Beside her, Dark only looked surprised at Xander. When last he recalled, he was being told he didn't do nearly enough for himself. He never expected the twin who gave him s**t for it the most would have, at some point, decided he knew how to take breaks after all. "Daizi gardens," He did take time to point out, "We are nearing the end of the season for it, but she does. And I recall being bad at taking breaks for most of the past year, or so I was told."
 
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"You're still s**t at it, but you've gotten better," Xander said truthfully.

Dr. Dre hid a quick smile. The harsh language might have been a warning to some about a lack of respect, but to her it indicated an open communication and trust. "That is good that you talk to one parent. Very good." She looked at Alec. "Alec, is there anything you would like to say? Something you would like to talk about?"

Alec gave a tiny shake of his head. He still didn't want to open up. He didn't know what to talk about. It seemed Xander had covered all the bases he would have brought up.
 
"With how wiggly Ivy is, would you trust her to be in my lap as I work with saws?" Dark asked mildly. Being a stay-at-home father, she was his primary duty, after all.

"Alec?" Daizi said quietly, when he still didn't speak up, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, habibi. I really didn't." She squeaked softly, silently telling a voice in her head to just give it a rest already.
 
Alec gave a little nod, wishing he had a better way to assure her it was alright. He didn't blame her, but he was still struggling with the desire to flee this conversation.

Dr. Dre checked her notes. "Are you two looking forward to the adoption?"

"Yes, ma'am," Xander said firmly. "We've been looking forward to it for... I don't know how long."

"Good! Are you going to celebrate it?"

"Yeah, with a party," Xander confirmed.

"That sounds delightful! Will you be inviting a lot of friends?"

Alec sat up just a little and nodded. "It won't be big."

"I have always found small parties to be quite fun. They are very intimate. Will you be going out or having it at your home?"

"At home. We don't want to disrupt the Halloween decorations too much, so there won't be many adoption specific ones. And we are going to have foods from all over the world!" He brightened, opening up more as he described what was going to happen for their party.
 
Daizi couldn't see his nod and she sat there tiredly, feeling haggard and trying to get the biting voice in her head to give her a break. She didn't even know if he had heard her.

It was nice hear Alec brighten up as he talked about the adoption and the after-party, and to hear Xander say they had been looking forward to it, but somehow it didn't make her feel any less sad. It all wouldn't hurt so much if she loved them less, but she loved them first. Before Dark loved them, before they loved her. She never could have loved them any less. The fact in just a few days they were going to be hers forever and ever was only a source of joy, but just then, with this voice in her head, it was hard to get there.

Dark knew exactly what Dr. Dre was doing, and so he commented, "I am still not sure what adoption decorations are, except perhaps dressing a stork up as a lawyer."
 
Xander snorted. "Not a bad idea."

"How does a lawyer dress?" Alec asked with a thoughtful frown.

"Dunno. Kind of like Aunt Ciara, I think."

"If we do that, she might think we're making fun of her," Alec said.

Dr. Dre smiled. "Is your Aunt Ciara your mother or your father's sister? Or is she tied to your family in another way?"

"She's our Mum's sister," Alec said, his brightness fading just a little.
 
"My brother's parents were lawyers, before they retired," Dark added, "and Daizi's friend Spencer is one."

Daizi didn't feel much like talking anymore, but perhaps proving their point about caring for others to the fullest, even at risk to herself, still chimed in quietly with, "We should call Ciara this week."
 
"We could ask Spencer, then," Alec said with a slight nod. "She might have a good idea. And we can ask Cooger what his parents wore."

"If I am not being too intrusive, how is it that you did not end up with your aunt?" Dr. Dre asked, probing gently.

Alec hesitated. "She..."

"She didn't know about us until we were with them," Xander said bluntly, nodding toward Dark and Daizi.

Alec gave a slight nod. "She never really asked for us to come live with her or anything like that, either. She's not really set up for kids."

"Shs did not know? Your mother was not in communication with her?" Dr. Dre asked for clarification.

Alec nodded. "She didn't even know that Mum..." He stopped and looked away.
 
"Ciara had learned their mother, Tara, was pregnant, but they fell out of touch before the boys were born," Dark explained cautiously, not wanting to cross boundaries, "From what I understand from Ciara, there was a bit of stubbornness and a bit of pride. They also did not know they had an aunt until she and their biological father arrived with little warning."
 
"I see. That sounds like quite the sensitive mess," Dr. Dre remarked. She glanced between the boys. "Your mother passed two years ago this week?"

"Yes," Alec murmured, looking at the arm of the chair.

"I am sorry for your loss," Dr. Dre said gently. "It is a difficult thing to cope with even at the best and most stable of times. How are you feeling with the anniversary coming up so close to the adoption date?"

Xander glanced at Alec, who was biting his lip. "Conflicted," he said. "The adoption is kind of the best thing ever, we don't want to change that, but..."

"I miss our mum sometimes," Alec said softly. "There are times I wish she was here so she could share all the good things with us. So that we could tell her something Daizi told us or something Dark made. So that she could share the joy and the stability and happiness and show her all the things we're doing and learning... and then I realize... she's not here. If she was here, we'd have her, but we wouldn't have the good times we do have. We never would have had the ability to pick up Judo or Cyr wheel or try out for the drama club or go horse riding or pick up leatherwork or any of the things we do now. But we'd have her. But our lives... were kind of crap. But she wasn't. And... it's just... tangled."
 
After a long silence where Dark and Daizi only listened to their sons words, Dark said, "I wish you could have her, too. I wish you had not lost her."

It took Daizi a little longer than her husband to speak, because she still felt overwhelmed by the weight of her own emotions and fears, and because she thought of Tara, a woman she had never met, regularly, "I don't wish to lose you, and I want to forever be your mother, but I wish there was a way for you to have Tara, and have me, and Dark. I wish we could have been there earlier, to help earlier. I want to believe we would have, if we could have known." She rubbed her arm, almost sharing how she liked to imagine Tara up with all of both of their families. At least, on Tara's side, the Cunninghams she'd want to be with. Those she missed. And Daizi's mom, who she had never met, but liked to believe watched her. And her brother Omar, who she knew did. And her son, Omar, who she didn't know how to imagine. Hopefully not as he was when he was born, but she didn't know if he was a baby or a five year old. But maybe Tara watched him like she watched her boys. And maybe, at the end of all things, they'd all be together, and be happy, and thank each other for taking such good care of their loved ones. Or maybe Tara's soul was back with them. Daizi believed in reincarnation, but didn't believe all souls were put back, or that every person had a past life. But she held her tongue, not wanting to inject her own religious beliefs into her sons' trauma. Instead, she said, "I really wish I could talk to her. And tell her you're safe. And thank her. I'm glad that you miss her. You're allowed to miss her. Even if it's complicated."
 
Alec shakily wiped his eyes with one hand. "I just wish... I wish I could have both. But I can't. And I need... I don't know. I don't know what I need. I know I need to let her go, and I thought I had a long time ago, but now that we are officially taking on a new family and filling new roles, it feels different."

"I would like to understand more about what you are feeling," Dr. Dre said gently. "Do you feel guilty? Do you worry what your mother would think? Do you believe she is unhappy with your choices?"

Alec shook his head, one hand on his eyes, the other clinging to his brother. "I don't believe in an afterlife. Of any kind. I wish I did. I think it would be easier that way. I don't think she's watching us or judging our actions. Sometimes I pretend she is just to make myself feel better, but I know it's to make myself feel better. I don't think I feel guilty about it. Maybe guilty over how I want everything and I feel a little selfish, but not really, truly guilty."

Dr. Dre nodded. "For a moment, then, let us pretend that your mother is watching and cares about what is happening. What do you think she would say?"

Alec dropped the hand at his eyes and took a shaky breath. "She would... She would tell us that we've spent long enough. That it's time to pick up and get on with things. That we're doing our new parents a disservice by sitting around moping about what we'd lost. It's time to let go of the past and embrace the present and the future. I'm not sure if she would have liked Dark or Daizi, but she would have liked what they do for us. She would have liked that we finally found... safety. Comfort. Life with them."
 
Dark and Daizi didn't say anything now, choosing instead to only listen, even though neither of them were particularly comfortable with the idea of just moving on and just stopping grieving. They weren't sure it was helpful, but they wanted to let Alec say what he needed, and give the therapist a chance to respond, before either of them said anything. Daizi still felt like she had said enough and taken up too much time, anyway, and Dark, at least for the time being, felt... pretty okay. Worried for his children and wife, definitely, but as an individual? He was... fine? He thought? And that was itself terrifying, because if he was doing okay, then that meant he probably would stop doing okay, but he knew that fear was in his head. Plenty of people were okay, and stayed okay. And since he was okay, he didn't really feel like he had much to bring up about himself.
 
"How do you feel about that?" Dr. Dre asked. "Do you want to move on so determinedly?"

"No," Alec admitted after a moment. "I feel like I should, but... no. Our mum had to do things like that for survival. We... I... don't. I can... I can..." He paused and swallowed hard. "I can sit and think about how amazing she was, the bad choices she made, and how much I miss her. I don't have to keep shoving on, but... I kind of wish I could." He closed his eyes and tears tracked down his cheeks. "I don't want to feel this pain anymore."

"Very few people like pain," Dr. Dre agreed. "It is not something we enjoy, but it is a part of us. It is a part of how we live, learn, and love. If we did not feel pain sometimes, none of those other emotions would be allowed to shine as brightly."

Alec rubbed his face. "My therapist, the one I see alone, she says stuff like that. That I'm hiding from myself. That I need to sit still sometimes and just... let it be, but I don't... I really don't want to."
 
"It is really hard to carry." Dark said solemnly, from experience. Many, many hard years of weathering experience. He took a breath and tried to figure out what order to put the words into. "It is... like a cold shadow living behind your heart, creeping its mist around you in quiet moments, and it seems... In the depth of deepest nightmares it seems if you sit and reach out into that shadow, it will block out all light, and freeze all parts of you, until it is all there is left." For a few moments he pressed his lips together, considering his words cautiously, and then looked at Alec lovingly, but the lines in his face seemed more prevalent, "But fearing it... The only way out through some of what we dread is through it. Ignoring it only builds to that shadow, or so I have found. It may always be there, some things always are, but when you can engage with it, you can learn what is there, and how to control it."
 
Alec squeezed his eyes shut tight and leaned back into Xander. So many times he thought he was okay with all of this. He thought he was okay with his mother's passing. He thought he was okay. But he wasn't. Not deep, deep down. There was a splinter stuck there in his soul that threatened to fester, and he knew he needed to deal with it, but oh how it hurt to mess with it!

"Thank you for sharing," Dr. Dre said, impressed by Dark's grasp on the situation and guessing approximately how he might have come to such an eloquent knowledge. She did not pursue that thought, though, focusing instead on the teens. "Alec, your father is right. We all want to run from the pain, and no one wants to deal with a wound, but if we don't face it head-on, things will only get worse. It might take longer than you hope, but sometimes it is quicker than you expect. Each person is different and handles things differently. The loss of a mother, however good or bad of a mother she may have been, is always complicated and hard. Give yourself a little grace and be gentle when you feel things aren't going well, but at the same time, but firm enough with yourself to not allow yourself to continue to run. It is a delicate balance and one only you can find. I would suggest that you find some time each day up until your adoption to sit quietly and allow yourself to contemplate your mother and everything she meant to you. You can write things down, if you would like, theme them, or simply allow your mind to take you where it will."

Alec took a deep, shuddering breath and finally manage a sharp nod. "I'll... I'll try. I promise I'll try."

"Trying is all we can ask of anyone," Dr. Dre said. "Thank you. Xander?"

"I am... okay..." Xander said carefully. "I mean, it hurts. The anniversary. Thinking about everything. Bringing up stuff. I hate it. But I guess I'm working through it. I think. I dunno. I spent a long time trying even harder than him not to think about it, and then my brain kind of forced me to think about it, so now I don't know where the hell I am in the process."

"At least you are honest with yourself. That is an excellent place to be," she said with a nod.
 
With just about what was left of her energy, Daizi made herself say, "We both... we don't know, exactly, what it is like, but we both... emphasize with life altering loss. I know you know this, but you're not alone, neither of you."
 
"I know, Mama, and it means a lot. We might not do a good job of taking advantage of that, but it means a lot that it's there," Xander said earnestly.

A soft chime sounded, and Dr. Dre quickly checked over her notes. "I am afraid that is time," she said. "I'd like to summarize a bit. I am very pleased with the progress you have made so far. Xander and Alec, you two seem to be getting along much better now. Daizi and Dark, you two are marvelous parents. You are both doing tremendous jobs. There are a couple of things I would like to see when you leave here. Daizi, I want you to allow the children to see you taking time for yourself each day. Whatever that looks like for you, and for however long you should chose, I think it is important that they see what you are doing. Even if you have to announce it a little bit to make certain they see what you are doing. The same goes for you, Mr. Dark.

"Xander, I want to see you expressing your needs a little more. No matter how simple or complex your need is, I want you to really try to tell your mother how you are feeling and what you do or do not need. I recognize that this can be very difficult to do, but I want you to please keep trying.

"Alec, I also want you to do the same as Xander, but I need you to dig deeper. If you are having trouble speaking out and expressing yourself, try writing it down in the form of a note or a letter. Start with small steps and build from there. Also, especially this week, I want you to really take some time to be still and allow yourself to feel what your heart wants you to feel. It is scary, but I want you to touch the void.

"As a final note, before we meet again, I want you two," she indicated Dark and Daizi, "to go on a child-free date in some way or another. And I want you two," she indicated Xander and Alec, "to also go out and do something together. Some kind of fun event that is either not related to anything you share in common or emphasizes a shared interest. It cannot be something only one of you cares about."
 
Daizi nodded, and made a quiet promise she would do as she was told, although she had no idea how she was meant to manage it. They were at school for most of the week. Did she have to schedule her personal time around when they were home? Or text them in the middle of the day to let them know? But she'll try to, she'd do her best to. Even though her family were arriving literally next week, because Ivy's first birthday was only twelve days away, and they were preparing to cook for the adoption party, then they'd be preparing for her family, and then preparing for Ivy's birthday, and then planning the renewal, and... And maybe it'd make sense after she had slept. All she wanted to do was go home, change into something comfortable, and lay in bed.

Admittedly, Dark had a few of the same concerns, but at least the twins went on Fall break... Thursday of this week, really, since obviously they couldn't go to school on Friday because of court. So that would make it easier for them to be seen taking time for themselves, and he wondered if the twins would accept him and Daizi planning the vow renewal or writing the vows they were going to share at the event as "taking time for themselves." Somehow, he doubted it. Finding a way to fit in a childfree date, though... That he could do. So, he promised he would, and standing first, shook Dr. Dre's hand and thanked her for her time.
 
As Dr. Dre shook Dark's hand, she glanced at Daizi, and, seeing how worn and exhausted she looked, chose to whisper her last bit of advice to Dark instead of to Daizi. "I would highly encourage Daizi to have more personal therapy sessions with her own therapist." She then thanked them all for their time and saw them to the door.

The twins didn't say anything as they followed Dark and Daizi out of the office. They both had a lot to think about. Xander was wondering both how to better express himself and if he was really as okay as he said he was. Alec was wondering how he was going to get through the rest of the week to Friday he was so tired. Friday was a gleaming light of hope and anticipation, but there was a lot standing between here and there, and then after that there was... so much. So much happening.
 
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